by Leah Holt
Pulling my finger out of my mouth, I giggled. “I guess you do remember everything.”
Watching Yuri unwrap the sandwiches, I couldn't get over how much he hadn't changed, despite going to prison.
I guess I thought he'd come out and be angry, maybe even evil. I pictured him with a teardrop tattoo under his eye and horrible art decorating his body because his skin was stained with prison ink.
In my imagination I saw him as this vile excuse for a man, someone who would only know how to take and not know how to give anymore.
But that wasn't what I was seeing.
He might be sweet right now, but you know what he did. He isn't all good.
Yuri kept his eyes on mine, his lips pulling up into a seductive grin. “I have you alone again, just like that first time.”
Instantly my sex began to pulse, the soft throb a match to my heartbeat. “It looks like you do.” Crawling across the blanket, he loomed over me, causing my throat to swell, making it hard to swallow. “What are you doing?” I asked, my voice cautious and playful.
“I'm taking what's mine.” His body lowered, pinning me to the blanket. Using two fingers, he brushed loose strands of hair out of my face.
“I never said I was yours.” Smirking, my belly went wild as I watched the animal inside him claw its way out.
I used to love when he would take control, when he would take me the way he wanted to. It was sexy, it made me feel sexy, it was pure bliss to watch him get aroused when he looked at my body.
“You don't need to say it, I can see it in your eyes.” His hands moved dangerously slow down my ribs, softly tracing the outside of my breasts. “I still remember how you would melt when I kissed you're neck and how you would moan when I pinched your nipples at the same time.”
Moving his face, he lowered his lips to my neck and kissed the tender skin. Slipping his hand up my shirt, he pinched my nipple, turning it stiff. The moan fell out with ease, built on nothing but air.
“There it is,” he said, smiling as he spoke. “Don't hold it in, you don't need to. No one can hear us out here.” His hand moved over my chest, pinching my other nipple as he nibbled my throat. “And I want to hear you, I need to hear you. It's been too long since I've gotten to hear you scream my name.”
“Mm, Yuri.” Closing my eyes, I let him work my body.
Fingers touched and groped, lips kissed and suckled. Tongues danced and hips rocked. And as we got lost in each other, as the battle with this sexual hunger slowly dissolved, a ravenous greed took hold.
I needed him inside me, I needed to feel him again. He was my past being reintroduced to my present. He was power in the form of pleasure.
Strong fingers tugged my pants down my thighs, peeling away my panties with them. The cool air blew over my exposed skin, creating waves of goosebumps. Yuri kept kissing my neck and face as he pulled out another blanket and pulled it over us.
“I'll keep you warm, I'll always keep you warm.”
The heat between us was enough to start a fire. Taking my shirt off, he threw it to the side. Yuri tugged his shirt off his head, baring his muscular chest and abs cut from marble. The cold outside the blanket had vanished as we laid skin to skin.
His hard cock nudged against my entrance, making my pussy clench the air, eager to feel him inside. Resting his forearms up by my head, he looked down on me, his eyes yearning to feel my heat.
“Take me, Yuri.” Pressing my hips up, I rubbed his erection with my pussy. “Please, take me.”
Growling, he thrusted hard, driving his length in deep. My walls tightened around his shaft, milking his cock as he pulled back, refusing to let him free. Pistoning his hips, Yuri never took his eyes off of mine.
Even then, even after all the years we had been apart, being with him felt right. I felt whole again, I felt like this was what my life had been missing. The thought made my heart seize, unable to remember what life was like without him.
And as he fucked me so hard I could feel him in my lower belly, my body trembled and my nerves fired off electric sparks. The orgasm was violent, making me quiver from head to toe.
Yuri gave one firm, final push, stilling inside me as his cock released pump after pump of hot cream. I could feel the hard muscle as it twitched, pulsing against my walls, enhancing the euphoric pleasure that was coursing through my body.
Rolling onto his side, Yuri passed me my clothes so I could get dressed. Sitting up, he put his clothes on and laughed quietly.
“What's so funny?”
“I've never done it outside in the winter, I thought there'd be more shrinkage.” Looking down at his manhood, he furrowed his brows. “Uh, there it is.”
Giggling, I wrapped myself up in my jacket and put my shoes back on. “Don't worry, I won't judge.”
Yuri grinned, shaking his head. “Now it's time to eat, I really worked up an appetite.” Getting the plates he had started before, he opened the chips.
“Can I ask you something?” Sipping the wine, I let my eyes connect with his. Yuri nodded, going back to putting the food on the plates. “Where have you been all these years?”
“What do you mean?”
“After. . .” Rolling my hand, I said, “You know. Why did you leave here? Why didn't you stay?”
“Well, after I got released, I did come home for a bit.” Passing me a plate, he sat down beside me, resting his plate in his lap. “But things were different. People looked at me differently, my mother treated me differently, it all changed.”
“What did you think it would be like?”
Shrugging his shoulder, he took a bite of his sandwich. Speaking with his mouth half full, he looked off into the woods. “I don't know, I guess I just thought people would have moved on, but they didn't, and some still haven't.”
Popping a chip into my mouth, I twisted my waist so I was facing him straight on. “So where did you go?”
“I floated around, taking odd jobs here and there. I wanted a fresh start, someplace where people didn't know who I was.”
“Did you get it, did you get your fresh start?”
Shaking his head, he swallowed his food. “No, it never felt right anywhere I was. It wasn't home, it wasn't this place. . .” Taking a big gulp of wine, he looked me right in the eyes. “You weren't with me, nowhere ever felt like home.”
Tracing the rim of my glass with the tip of my finger, I had to do everything I could to not nibble what was left of my nail. His eyes captured mine, holding me still, trying to speak all the words he was thinking.
But he didn't say them, he held onto his thoughts.
“What about you?” he asked, picking through his chips and grabbing a folded one. “Why did you leave?”
“Honestly, because I thought you'd be here.”
“So you ran because of me?” Nodding, my brows arched high. “Did I really scare you that much?”
“It wasn't that you scared me, I was afraid of who you had become. I didn't know that person, I had never seen him before.” Swirling the liquor in my glass, I watched the funnel as it took shape. “I knew you as one person and then someone totally different emerged.”
“But that doesn't explain why you left.” Setting his plate down on the blanket, he rested back on his palms, stretching his legs out straight. “It tells me what you thought of me, but it doesn't tell me why you left.”
I left because I still loved you. . .
And I hated that I still loved you.
The words sat on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't get them out. I was afraid to say it out loud, afraid that it would turn from a thought back into a rush emotions that were still living inside me.
I never stopped loving him.
“None of that matters, Yuri. I left because I had to. This place was too small for us to live side by side and not run into each other. After what happened, I wasn't sure I could ever see you the same way again.”
“Gwen, what happened was a mistake. I shouldn't have gone there that night, I never sho
uld have stepped foot in that store and I'd take it all back if I could.”
“Then why did you do it? That wasn't who you were. Tell me why? Tell me so I can understand.”
I watched his eyes dull as he went back to that night in his mind. He was looking at me, but he wasn't with me right then. His eyes looked like he was in pain, as if the memory hurt worse than actually doing it in the first place.
“I don't want to talk about this. Can we just have lunch together and enjoy this, enjoy right now?”
Taking in a slow breath, my lips thinned as I felt the anger I had been holding in bubble to the surface. “Don't I deserve an explanation? Can't I get that?”
“I tried to explain myself to you back then and you told me to get fucked. You didn't want to hear it then, why do you want to hear it now?”
“Maybe I wasn't ready then, maybe I was too young to want to know the truth. But you've affected every single day of my life for years, Yuri. I loved you, I loved you and you destroyed the future we had planned together.”
Reaching out, he laid his hand over mine. “I didn't do it on purpose to hurt you—”
Cutting him off before he could say anything else, I snapped. “But you did, you did hurt me. You broke my heart, Yuri, and nothing has been the same since.” Yanking my hand out from under his, I pushed myself to my feet. “I haven't been able to trust anyone else, because I don't know if they're being real. I haven't been able to open up to anyone and have a normal relationship, because I end up wondering what secrets they have.” Stalking in a small circle, I clutched the back of my head. “I didn't see that person in you and I'm afraid I won't see it in someone else.”
His glare hardened as he looked up at me. “I'm sorry for what I did to you and how it made you feel, but you have no idea what I went through.” Climbing to his feet, he took long steps toward me. “That night changed everything for me too. And none of it was supposed to happen that way. But I'm not going to stand here and apologize over and over for shit I can't change now. You say you loved me, but what you don't realize is that I never stopped. I still love you, even after all these years, I still love you just as much as I did that day.”
Holding my breath, I scrunched my brows, trying to figure out what the hell he was doing. He couldn't love me, because if he loved me, he wouldn't have robbed that store, jeopardizing our entire future.
If he loved me, he wouldn't have gone out with his brother to take what wasn't theirs. If he loved me, he would have done what he promised me he would do.
He didn't.
“Stop,” I said, holding up my hand. “Just stop. You don't love me, and I'm not sure you ever really did love me.”
Pressing his toes to mine, Yuri loomed over me, his mouth folded into a deep frown. “You don't think I loved you?”
Sighing, I curled my arms around my ribs and took a step back. “I don't know what I think anymore, all I know is what I feel.”
Reaching his arm out, he cupped my cheek, drawing circles across my skin. “Can you honestly tell me that you feel nothing for me?”
“Don't, Yuri, this isn't about a quick fuck because we have a history and you took me by surprise. This has to do with choices you made.”
“You made a choice last night, you chose to let me kiss you. Can you really say you felt nothing when I kissed you? When I spread your thighs open and took you as if you were still mine, did you feel nothing?” Closing the gap between us, he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into his chest. “Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you felt absolutely nothing right now?”
Holding his gaze, I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. “I felt like we missed out on so much, I felt like what we had was worth more than what you gave it up for, I felt like last night was just a mistake, Yuri. That's all it was, it was a mistake, and so was this.”
“None of this was a mistake. A mistake is dialing the wrong number, a mistake is accidentally signing your name when you're suppose to print it. You're wrong about this, things happen for a reason, Gwen. ”
“I need to go.” Backing away from him, I felt his fingertips as they slipped free off my waist. Heading back for the car, I didn't look over my shoulder at him.
I didn't want to. Because I knew if I did there was a chance that this strength I felt would dwindle and I'd go running back into his arms.
We were shadows of our past, shadows that were trying to find a light that didn't exist anymore. Even if I still loved him, even if those feelings were real, we could never be together.
My life wasn't here. I lived a world away, I had responsibilities and people that relied on me. I left this place to start over, to escape the memories that ate away at me inside.
I shouldn't have come here, I shouldn't have come home.
I should have stayed where life was predictable and love didn't exist.
Chapter Nine
Yuri
Grazing the door with my knuckles, I opened it up and stuck my head inside. “Mom, can I come in?”
My mother was sitting on the couch reading the paper. She kept her eyes on the page, not bothering to look up at me. “You're halfway there, might as well go the rest of the way.”
“Merry Christmas,” I said, taking a seat in the recliner across from her.
“Is it? Is it really merry, Yuri?” Her voice was hard and angry.
She's never going to forgive me if I don't tell her the truth.
Gwen had really gotten to me yesterday. I couldn't stop thinking about what she had said. She felt like I never loved her, she thought I gave up on us just to make a quick buck.
She was wrong.
It just didn't feel right telling her the truth before telling the one person that deserved to know first—my mother.
I lived with this secret, this burden for all these years, carrying it like a boulder on my shoulders. Not once had I told the truth, I kept my mouth shut because I thought it would save someone else.
But in the end, it changed nothing.
“Can we talk?” I asked her, leaning forward and folding my hands together.
“About what? You need money? Because I don't have any to give you, you should know that.”
“No, I'm not looking for money.”
The ripple effect that happened from that horrible night was more of a tsunami. Not only had I lost the only person I ever loved, but it destroyed my parents life.
My father did everything he could to get me off with as little time as possible. He sold his business to hire me the best attorney, he took out a second mortgage on their home to help pay all the legal bills.
By the time it was all said and done, my family went from living in a huge house in a new plat, to a small two bedroom apartment on the lower end of town. A year into my sentence, my father had a heart attack, which my mother blamed on the stress I caused, and he died in his sleep.
Gwen had no clue about the torment I lived with. I missed my father's funeral because of that choice I made, I wasn't able to be there for my family when they needed me. I never got to say goodbye to the one person who believed in me. And I broke the heart of the only woman I ever loved.
That was what I carried with me everyday. All the pain I caused everyone else.
“Then what is it?”
“Can you put the paper down?”
Huffing under her breath, she closed the paper and tossed it onto the coffee table. “There, better?”
“Mom, this is important, and I'm not sure how to tell you.”
“Then just say it, Yuri. There's nothing you can tell me that will surprise me or disappoint me, you've already done that.”
The resentment in her tone for my very existence was point blank. She didn't try to hide how she felt about her oldest son, and she didn't try to hide the fact that she blamed me for every bad thing that has happened to her since.
“I want to talk to you about that night, the night I got arrested.”
Her eyes turned to pinpricks as she glared at me. “The
re's nothing to talk about, it's done.”
“No, it's not done, I never told you the truth, I want you to know the truth.”
“The truth,” she said, rolling her eyes as she let out a cynical laugh. “I know the truth, and I know how it affected all of us. I know how what you did led your brother down the same road.” Leaning forward, she bared her teeth. “That's why he's in jail right now, because you showed him how to get there.”
Shaking my head, I frowned. “That's where you're wrong and that's what I need to talk to you about. That night, I wasn't there with him to get him to help me, I was there to stop him.”
“Stop him—” she barked, her eyes opening wide in disbelief. “Let me get this straight, now that Ares is locked up, you want to come here and throw him under the bus to downplay your roll?”
“Can you just listen for once?” Biting the inside of my cheek, I was trying so hard to not get up and yell at her. “Just listen and don't talk, can you please just do that, just this time?”
“Fine, keep going.” Pressing her back into the couch, she folded her arms across her chest.
“I was at work that night, and I heard Ares talking on the phone to someone about hitting that liquor store. I tried to talk him out of it, but he laughed it off and said it would be fine, and to mind my own business. I went there to stop him, but when I walked in, Ares was stuffing the cash into a bag and the other kid he was with was holding a knife to the clerk.”
I watched my mother as I spoke, waiting to see if what I was telling her was sinking in or if she had already pulled up her wall and wasn't really listening.
“I surprised them when I walked in, causing the other guy looked away at me. The clerk grabbed a gun from under the counter, aiming it at the kid with the knife. So he took off out the door, leaving Ares alone behind the counter. The clerk turned his gun on Ares and I reacted, I jumped over that counter and knocked him out cold. What I didn't realize was that there was a customer hiding in one of the aisles that had called the cops. The lights hit the windows and Ares panicked, he started freaking out and talking about how he couldn't go to jail and how he was afraid. . .”
