Liv, in the Moment

by Dale, Tracy

  "Why aren't you guys?"

  "We never found a church right for us, so we gave up looking," Dad said. "We do the best we can and that seems right to me."

  Mom said, "How are your girl troubles going?"

  "I'm going to Ana's in an hour to break up again."

  Dad made a pained sound. "As if one time wasn't hard enough."

  "It's going to be worse this time. I'm cancelling Homecoming too."

  "Ouch." He slapped Connor on the back. "Better you than me."

  When dinner was over Connor helped clean up again. "Walk me out?" he said to Liv after they'd finished.

  She walked with him to his truck. "Did you want to talk to me about something?" she said, before he opened the door.

  "No. I just wanted a few more minutes with you."

  "Delay tactic."

  "It isn't! C'mon, give us a hug before we go." He opened his arms.

  "Us?" she said as she walked into them.

  "Because there's so much of me to love. It seems unfair to the other guys it's all wrapped up in this one package."

  She laughed and rested her head against his chest. He squeezed her tight. Could a hug be any more perfect?

  It was almost too perfect. She wouldn't look at him when she pulled away, afraid he would see how much his hug had affected her.

  "Liv." He sounded as if he was waiting for her to look at him.

  She wouldn't. "I hope everything goes okay with Ana. I'll see you in the morning."

  Connor watched her walk back inside before he got in the truck and drove away. He wondered why she hadn't looked at him. Hoped it meant something good instead of bad. She had hugged him after all, and grabbed his butt. And oh man, he couldn't believe she'd done it and had almost embarrassed himself because he'd certainly enjoyed her touching him.

  He was so distracted by his thoughts he was surprised when he pulled up at Ana's. His mood immediately plummeted. Procrastination called to him after he parked. A few specks of loose fuzz on his jeans needed painstaking attention. A thorough search of his truck showed it to be immaculate, which would normally make him feel satisfied. Now he would relish cleaning it up.

  He gripped his steering wheel and let loose a stream of foul language. There wasn't a measure large enough to encompass how much he didn't want to do this. His fingers itched to just text her that it was officially over.

  Knowing it was the cowardly way out prevented him. And Liv's mom. And her dad. And Liv. They thought better of him than that.

  He got out of the truck. She opened her door on knock two, wearing next to nothing except heavy makeup and a come-and-get-me smile.

  She looked good. He was a guy who appreciated a beautiful woman. But.

  "Why are you doing this, Ana?"

  "Doing what?"

  He kept his gaze averted. "Go put some clothes on."

  Her laugh was so clearly forced it made his discomfort ratchet up. "Look at me," she said. "I'm wearing clothes."

  "Please don't do this."

  A beat of silence. "Do what exactly?" When he didn't immediately respond, she made a dramatic show of huffing off to get a long cardigan from the coat closet. She pulled it on and buttoned it up. "Gonna come in now?"

  He walked in. A part of him did not want to close the door, but she flicked it shut and began to hug him, kiss him, tease him with her hands.

  He backed away at warp speed. The question would come next, he was certain. Why? Then he could answer that it was over. Perfect lead in.

  "Don't you want to?"

  "Huh?" His mind was nowhere near the direction of her thoughts.

  "C'mon. You always want to. Every time you've come over, we have."

  This wasn't the lead in he wanted, but he'd work with what he had. "Because that was the whole point of our relationship." Callous! He knew it, but he didn't know how not to be.

  Yet she didn't react like it was callous. "Yeah, that's how it started."

  "Started. And Stayed."

  Callous got to her this time. At least a little. "Stayed?"

  Her seductive expression began to melt away. The shield she created with her sexual persona disappeared before his eyes. Vulnerability, insecurity showed through now.

  Connor couldn't hold her gaze. "I'm sorry."

  "For what?"

  He could tell she was trying to act careless, but he was excruciatingly aware of the desperation in her voice. He forced himself to look into her eyes. "It's over."

  Her laughter was hoarse. "I know, we're taking a break. But we can still hang out, right?" The way she said hang out implied all manner of activities.

  "No, Ana. We're breaking up. For good."

  Her throat worked. "Why?" she whispered.

  God he didn't know what to say. Because you aren't Liv was just wrong to say to her.

  Tears began to trail down her cheeks, creating marked paths through her makeup. Somehow the sight made him understand how truly devastated she was. "I'm sorry," he said again.

  "I gave you everything."

  "I didn't want everything."

  "Why?" she cried.

  "I thought we were just having fun. That's all I wanted. I told you that."

  "It was fun! And more, I thought."

  "I don't know why you thought that."

  "I told you I love you. You've always accepted it."

  "I never said it back."

  "You're afraid to love, Connor. You're afraid, like I was, because no one else loves us, but I took the risk for you. You could take it for me too!"

  The more she spoke, the harder it was for him to tell her the truth. He was beginning to understand how much hurt he'd caused her, and would cause her for a long time to come. "I'm not afraid to love, Ana. I just...don't feel it...for you. I'm sorry."

  Her tears were streaming now. "What did I do wrong?"

  It would have been so easy to give her a trite answer. But he knew she deserved honesty. "You didn't listen when I told you it was for fun and nothing more."

  She wiped her cheeks with the sleeve of her cardigan and laughed harshly. "You're saying it was wrong that I cared about you?"

  "Yes."

  Her voice rose. "I wouldn't have been with you if I didn't care about you!"

  "Then you shouldn't have been with me."

  She stared at him in silence.

  He said, "I was up front from the beginning."

  "I--" She cleared her throat. "I thought it was because you were afraid of falling in love."

  "No."

  She searched his eyes again. Whatever she found there made her say, "My mistake."

  He looked away. "I'm gonna go."

  She didn't follow him to the door.

  He didn't want to look back but he remembered one more thing. With the door open, one foot already outside, he turned around. She was staring at the wall where he'd been standing. Tears were still flowing from her eyes.

  "Ana." He almost winced when she looked at him with obvious hope. "Homecoming is off too."

  Such an ass. He knew he was, but he didn't know how to say it both clearly and nicely.

  Her chest shuddered with an indrawn breath. He shut the door. The moment it clicked into place, he heard a sound almost like a scream. Then sobs.

  Endless sobs.

  He felt like the worst kind of person as he walked to his truck. The kind that didn't deserve anything worthy. Why had he ever begun to believe he was good enough for Liv?

  The question rang in his head with such ferocity he didn't question the truth of it. He knew he should cut his ties with her. And her family. They were too good for him.

  He was too bad.

  * * *

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  What Are You Worth?

  Connor was gone again. For days. He didn't show up at the house or at school. Ana was gone too. Liv was sick with wondering what they were doing. She tried endlessly to get hold of him, but every call, every text went unanswered.

  He wasn't home, he wasn't on his phone, he
wasn't anywhere.

  If she didn't hear from him through the weekend, she was going to the jobsite on Monday to talk to him because she knew he at least was at work.

  Dad insisted he was fine. Said to give him time and space, because he'd obviously had a rough time of it with Ana. But she couldn't. Something was wrong. She knew it.

  By Friday night she was wishing she'd accepted Jackson's pathetic offer of a date, just so she'd have something to take her mind off Connor. As she sat there watching TV with her parents she composed and deleted at least ten text messages to him. Finally, she sent, i nd 2 know my best frnd is ok.

  He called a minute later. "Can you meet me?"

  She practically ran out the door.

  She drove to the jetty. Connor was waiting on a bench overlooking the ocean. She saw him silhouetted against the rising moon. No one else was in sight. The only sound was the waves crashing against the rocks.

  "You got here fast," he said when she sat down next to him.

  "I was worried." She drank in his appearance, as if she'd thirsted for the sight. "What's happened, Connor? Where have you been?"

  He stared out at the water for a long time. "I'm a bad guy, Liv," he said at last. His voice sounded...dead.

  "No you're not."

  "I think I really messed Ana up," he continued as if she hadn't spoken. "I bring nothing good to the table, I just screw things up."

  "No you don't."

  "I think it's better if I stop hanging out with you, and your parents. I don't want to scr--"

  "Connor!" She grabbed his face and jerked him to face her. When he finally looked into her eyes, she said, "Do you honestly think we'll let you go?"

  His jaw worked. "My stepdad has always said I'm a worthless piece of...you know. And my mom tells me to stay out of the house so I won't be in his way."

  Liv understood. If his own family would let him go, why wouldn't hers?

  She felt like crying for him. "We love you too much."

  "What if I mess things up?"

  "By doing what? Cussing in the house? Mom will put you in time out."

  "What if I hurt you?"

  "How? By teasing me like you always do?"

  She saw torment in his eyes, in his expression. It scared her. Was he slipping away? Was she losing him?

  "Hurt me how, Connor?"

  He leaned toward her, so close. He raised his hand and stroked her hair back. He gazed at her in silence for a moment, before leaning in just that little bit more.

  When his lips finally settled on hers, she felt everything surge with the rightness of it. They fit perfectly. He nudged her mouth open with his bottom lip. She sucked it gently into her mouth.

  He groaned and pulled away, and then hunched over with his head braced in his hands.

  Liv was dazed. She couldn't believe he'd kissed her, couldn't believe how she'd kissed him. So caught up in the moment she didn't even think about trying to be a good kisser. It had all been automatic, instinctive...and a kiss to end all kisses. It hadn't even been a long one.

  No other kiss would ever measure up, unless it was Connor trying to outdo himself.

  "Is that your version of hurting me?" she said. She wondered how inappropriate it would be for her to say, can I get more of it? His obvious turmoil was the only thing that stopped her.

  "Your parents would be pissed at me if they found out I just did that."

  "They would?"

  "Of course they would."

  She thought about it. Or tried to think. Tried it ignore the dozen fireworks still exploding inside her. "If you play me for the sake of your ego, sure, that would piss them off. Dad would give you a stern talking to--Mom too--and I wouldn't make you any cookies for a really long time, but that's about it." She knew he didn't believe her, so she added, "Because you are like a son to them."

  He didn't respond.

  "Was that kiss for the sake of your ego?"

  "No." He said it so softly she almost didn't hear it.

  "Then why?"

  She waited a long time for an answer, but he never gave one. Maybe he needed love and comfort and that's what the kiss had been about. She wanted to wail at him, demand an answer--and another kiss. But she needed to deal with her feelings later, because whatever had happened with Ana was clearly tearing him up.

  He looked so...so humbled, with his head in his hands, his broad shoulders hunched over. She didn't know what to do, if there was anything she could do. But if he had kissed her for love and comfort, she had plenty stored up to give him.

  They were sitting so close it was easy for Liv to slide her arms around his waist and lean forward until her cheek rested against his back. She hugged him in silence. Enjoyed the gentle rhythm of his breath.

  He was utterly still at first, as if afraid any movement might make her let go. When he finally relaxed she hugged him tighter, and then softly kissed his back before resting her cheek against it again.

  She didn't want this incredibly tender moment to end.

  After a long while, he began to speak. He told her what happened with Ana. He was brutally honest about his selfishness, his total disregard for Ana's feelings. "Still want me around?" he said at the end.

  "You say that like I didn't already know what your relationship was like." She kept her cheek resting against his back. She didn't condemn him but it wasn't pleasant knowing the details.

  And she was strangely hurting for Ana. Liv knew better than anyone how easy it was to love Connor. How easy it would be to get wrapped up in him. Especially if you had nothing else, which Ana clearly didn't.

  "Do you think she's going to hang out somewhere else now?" Liv said. "She pretty much hates me, and it would be super awkward for her around you."

  Connor clearly hadn't thought of that. "We could find someplace else and she can stay with the group."

  "We?"

  "You just said you were sticking with me. You didn't think I'd give you up now, did you?"

  Liv softly kissed his back again, and released him. Emotions were swamping her, so intense she felt like she could drown in them. But she needed to push them aside. Now wasn't the time. "Let's go to my house. My mom has missed you."

  Connor pulled her to her feet and stared down at her.

  The aching pressure that had been crushing his chest fell away. He'd kissed her, she hadn't gotten angry. He'd told her he could hurt her, she still wouldn't let him go. He should start going by the Lucky title now.

  He wanted to kiss her again.

  He almost did but she smiled up at him and then turned toward their cars.

  At her house, the moment they cleared the front door, Mrs. Jones appeared.

  "Connor, I'm saying this with all the love I have for you. Do not--ever--disappear on me like that again."

  Liv's jaw dropped. "You were worried too?"

  "I didn't want you to know. Connor, I understand you were going through a hard time, but you shouldn't have disappeared on us. I protect what's mine. I keep my family close. Got it?"

  Connor had to swallow a couple times before he could say, "Yes, Mrs. Jones. I'm sorry." He was embarrassed that his voice shook a little.

  "Good." She hugged him like she was sealing the deal. Quick, no nonsense, but strong and intent. Then she left them alone.

  "Told you," Liv whispered.

  Mom stuck her head out of the den. "Dress shopping tomorrow, Connor. And accessorizing."

  Liv tried to produce a bright smile. "Ooh, and how about makeup too?"

  Connor looked dazed as they followed Mom to the den, where they watched mindless television for a few hours. When it was time for him to go home, she and Mom walked him to the door.

  As soon as they shut it behind him, Liv said, "How devastated would you be if I said I was head over heels for Connor?"

  "What about Jackson?"

  "I'm sick of talking about him already."

  "Oh." Her lips opened and closed, as if she was working out what to say. Finally, "I wouldn't be devastated."r />
  "But you had that talk with me about not having feelings for Connor."

  "That was... Well...things have changed since then. You and Connor have matured quite a bit since he first came into our family. Particularly you."

  "Insulting."

  Mom smiled. "I'm sorry but it's true."

  "Ever heard of kind lies?"

  "You asked." Mom hugged her. "I love you. Do I need to make sure you two aren't alone now?"

  "No. I'm head over heels. My love is not returned."

  "You sure about that?"

  "Pretty much." But that kiss...

  She went upstairs and tried to do the whole getting-in-bed-and-going-to-sleep thing like normal.

  Failed.

  Why had he kissed her? The question consumed her. She replayed it on one endless loop all--freaking--night, desperately hoping for an answer. Finally she concluded that until she knew for sure how he felt about her, she needed to just enjoy him--the same way she'd enjoyed those fine chocolates from Switzerland Mark had brought her two visits ago. Savored, not consumed. Otherwise, she'd be a big blob of a mess when he was gone.

  Unless he declared his undying love for her, and his chocolate deliciousness became her lifetime supply.

  She fell asleep imagining it.

  The next morning she was just coming down the stairs when he knocked.

  She opened the door, ready to blurt all the questions that had tormented her. Before she could say anything, Dad walked in, dressed and ready to go. "Mornin,'" he rumbled.

  Liv noticed Connor looked supremely pleased with himself.

  There was only one reason Dad would be awake and decent before ten on a Saturday morning.

  Because he was going dress shopping with them.

  "Get in here," Dad said to Connor. He might be going shopping, but he sure wasn't pleased about it.

  Liv followed them into the kitchen. She was still staring at Dad when Connor said, "Horror movie tonight, Lucky."

  "I really hate horror movies. They scare me for years."

  "That's how we feel about dress shopping," Dad said.

  "How did Connor get you to do this?"

  He wouldn't answer.

  "Shoes too, Dad," she said. "Dresses. Accessories. Makeup. And shoes."

  Dad's beard twitched. Was it a flinch? Or a smile? She wasn't sure. "Fine, Livvy. Just fine. One little thing you should know though."