Pulse

by Deborah Bladon

  "Why?" He blocks the doorway. "You can't just leave."

  "Why not?" I stand my ground, my arms folded across my chest. "Because I'm your Wednesday fuck and you can't wait until Thursday shows up to get your fix?"

  "Jessica, don't," he sighs heavily.

  "Don't what?" I try to temper my voice.

  "Don't go." He takes a step towards me. "I'm not good at this. Let me explain."

  "Why bother?" I ask hoarsely. "There are two sets of rules. One for you and one for me."

  "I don't want that." He hangs his head down. "I don't want that anymore."

  "What do you want, Nathan?" I push the words at him.

  "You," he whispers softly.

  Chapter 15

  "You want me for tonight and then tomorrow night someone else will be listening to those same words." I take a step back to lean against the couch. I feel deflated, exhausted and worn out from the emotional tennis match we're in the middle of.

  "No. There's no one tomorrow. "He moves away from the door and I realize that now is my chance to walk out of the room and his life. My legs don't budge. I can't go. I need to hear what he has to say.

  "There will be next week and I'm fine with that," I say the words even though I'm not being completely honest. I had learned quickly how to block out images of him with anyone else. I had to for my own sanity.

  "How can you be fine with that? Women aren't fine with that." He picks up my drink from the table and takes a mouthful of the bourbon.

  "We agreed to that." I shrug my shoulders. "No complications. Just sex."

  "Do you want more?" he asks the question so effortlessly.

  "More?" I repeat back certain that I do not understand him.

  "More than just a fuck buddy."

  It takes me a moment to digest his words. He didn't ask if I wanted him to be more than a fuck buddy. He asked if I wanted more than a fuck buddy.

  "Do you?" he presses.

  "You're asking if I want a relationship with someone at some point?" I push the words back to him, trying to decipher exactly what he's asking.

  "Yes." He empties the glass and sits down on the couch.

  "Eventually, sure," I reply. I did want that. I thought I'd have that with Josh but it didn't work.

  "You're just happy having one night stands right now?" His words bite into me. He has no idea that he was my one and only one nightstand and unless I'm mistaken, the definition of that doesn't include an emotionally charged conversation like this.

  "I don't sleep with random men." I don't want to sound insensitive, but I'm not going to lie. "You were my first and only one night stand."

  He raises his eyes to meet mine and I see something flash in his expression. "Have you fucked another man since you met me?"

  The question is so swollen with arrogance that I want to laugh out loud. His face is dead serious though and I realize that, to him, it's coming from a genuine place.

  "No." I sit next to him. "No one."

  "I can't explain it." He pulls his hands together. "There's something about you."

  I want to feel elation at his words. There's something about him too. Something that stretches far beyond what happens in this room when he's helping me feel pleasure. I can't let myself feel the promise of the words. He sleeps with so many women. I can't forget that.

  "Have you slept with other women since me?" I ask knowing the answer already.

  He doesn't respond and any bliss that my heart felt quickly sinks. He's never going to want just me. That’s not how this happens. I can't let myself think that's a possibility.

  "Nathan." I pull my tongue across my lips. "We've had a lot of fun together. A lot."

  He reaches for my hand pulling it into his lap. "So much fun, Jessica."

  "I just can't do this anymore." I pull a weak grin across my mouth. "We agreed that it would be uncomplicated and just sex. Last night it crossed over to something more and I just don't think you understand that when there are boundaries, they have to be respected both ways."

  "I can't see you with another man." He squeezes my hand. "You can't expect me to sit there and not do anything."

  "You and I are not in a relationship." I move my hand in the air between us. "We have sex. Mind blowing, amazing sex. That's what this is."

  "I don't want that to end." He shifts his body so he's closer to me on the couch.

  I stare at his legs. They're so strong. Even beneath the fabric of his pants, I can see the definition of his thighs. I don't want it to end either. I'm addicted to his body. The way he makes me feel is like a drug. I can't get enough of it. I have to come several times a day by my own hand just to be able to focus on anything but his tongue, his hands and his cock.

  "How is this supposed to work if you don't respect our boundaries?" I hear my voice asking the question. Why am I even entertaining the idea of letting this go on? There are plenty of men in Manhattan. Hell, there are a hundred downstairs in the club right now. All I need to do is leave him, go downstairs and I can be having a raging orgasm with someone else within the hour.

  "I'll respect them." He traces his finger over my leg towards the hem of my dress.

  "Can you honestly do that?"

  "I crave your body. I can't give that up."

  "You can't act the way you do when you see me outside this room." I don't want to want him anymore but I can't stop.

  "If I see you again anywhere but here, I'll walk away." His breath, hot and fast, races across my neck.

  "I can't do this tonight." I cover his hand with mine, stopping it on its path up my thigh.

  "I want you."

  "Not tonight." I push his hand onto the couch. "I'm leaving."

  Chapter 16

  "Can I ask you something?" I peer over the edge of the counter at Cassandra.

  She smiles as she watches me wipe Allie's face after our spaghetti dinner. "Sure, anything."

  I wait until the nanny scoops the little girl in her arms and takes her out of the room. "Have you ever been in a relationship that wasn't really a relationship?"

  She tilts her head to the side as if she's trying to translate the question into another language. "I'm not sure I'm following, Jess."

  "It's so complicated." I laugh as I motion towards the coffee maker. "Do you want a cup?"

  She nods. "Just spit it out. We're both adults. I can handle it."

  "You're sure?" I cringe at the thought of asking her about this but Rebecca assured me that whenever she had an issue with a man, Cassandra was always the first person to dish out the best advice.

  "I met this guy at a club." I realize how cliché that sounds. "We hooked up and it was supposed to be a random, one night thing."

  "I'm following so far." She pours some cream into the mug before she stirs it.

  "We kept meeting." I giggle before I continue, "the sex is ridiculous."

  She winks. "So far, so good."

  "We have our rules." I start tapping points out on my fingers. "No last names, no details about our lives, no seeing each other socially."

  "So it's just great sex and nothing else," she says it so matter-of-factly. I wish it were as easy as it sounds coming out of her mouth.

  "Until he saw me with another guy last week." I shake my head and roll my eyes.

  "What guy? You're dating someone?"

  "No. It's Bryce. That guy that moved in with Rebecca and me." I know she's met him. I heard from Bryce over dinner last night what a MILF Cassandra is.

  "He's gorgeous." She laughs. "Young, but gorgeous."

  I smile. "Anyways, the random sees Bryce and decides that he should kiss me to mark his territory."

  "Wait." She bolts upright on the stool she's teetering on. "The random just kisses you in front of Bryce as if to say, hands off she's mine?"

  "Pretty much."

  "That's kind of hot, don't you think?" She takes a long sip from the mug. "This is great coffee, Jess."

  I blush at the unexpected compliment. "I was really pissed at him."


  "Why?" she shoots back. "He was jealous, no?"

  "I don't know." I sigh. "I can't read him at all."

  "Did you ask him about it?"

  "He said he didn't want me fucking Bryce, yet he fucks whoever he wants." I laugh when I realize how ludicrous it sounds.

  "He's falling for you." She points her finger at me. "The random is falling for you."

  I want to believe that. She can't be right though. He told me he was fickle. He warned me that he likes variety.

  "You know, he's never asked for my number." It's the first time I've shared that with anyone. I've been too embarrassed to tell Rebecca that detail.

  "That's a complication to him," she states. "He doesn't want to have the responsibility of having to call the day after."

  "Exactly. So why can't I just forget about him and move on?"

  "You're falling for him too." She pats my hand. "If you don't want to get hurt, now is the time to bail out of this, Jess. Men like that never change."

  I knew she was right. My mind knew it. My body just wasn't ready to accept it yet.

  Chapter 17

  "I was shocked you wanted to come here," Rebecca adjusts the neckline of the top she's wearing. "I thought you wanted to avoid Fingers like the plague."

  I grin at the nickname. She refuses to call him Nathan and since I have every intention of steering clear of him in the future, I couldn't care less what she calls him. Taking Bryce to the club as a way to celebrate his arrival in Manhattan had been my idea. I wanted a bird's eye view of Nathan picking up another woman and sweeping her away to the eighteenth floor. I knew that if I saw it with my own two eyes, forgetting about him would be that much easier.

  "I'll get us some drinks." Bryce calls to us as we exit the ladies' room. Although I'm still not used to the idea of a male roommate, having Bryce around had been fun. He was too much of a gentleman to try anything on either of us. Once we found out he was saving up to get his girlfriend back home an engagement ring, we knew he was the perfect choice to live with us. He had unexpectedly become something of a big brother figure to both Rebecca and I.

  "Fingers at a distance." Rebecca taps me on the shoulder and I see Nathan out of the corner of my eye. He's chatting up a beautiful brunette, her hand resting softly on his forearm.

  "That didn't take long." I try not to sound defeated. What was I really expecting? It was the exact way he picked me up. He trolls the club until he sees someone he wants to take up to his room, and he makes it happen. The mere fact that he has a fuck pad above a club says more than anything that could have come out of his mouth.

  "Don't beat yourself up over it, Jess." My best friend hugs me from behind. "He's a man whore."

  I laugh at the description. Maybe he was. Maybe he'd always be. Cassandra's words about men never changing ring loudly through my ears as the pulsing music shifts to a higher tempo. I want to dance. I search the floor for Bryce but he's still in the line for the bar. My eyes scan the room before they settle on a handsome man staring directly at me.

  He nods in my direction and I smile back. Maybe the best way for me to get over Nathan is to just fuck someone else. Maybe I needed to rid my mind and my body of the memory of his touch. I had to stop thinking about him. I had to stop wanting him so much.

  "Dance?" The man with the brown eyes from across the club is beside me now, his hand resting squarely on the skin of my back. The sheer black dress I'm wearing is backless and the chill that races through me at his touch is unexpected, and welcome.

  "Absolutely." I throw my hand into his and he leads me onto the floor.

  The one glass of wine I had earlier at the apartment is now warming me from the inside out. I feel free and liberated.

  "I'm Drew," he says into my neck as he pulls me closer. "You're beautiful."

  "I'm Jess," I whisper back. I can be Jess with him. I want to be. Jessica is gone. I left her back in that hotel room.

  He hand slides across my back and I shiver at the touch. I push myself into him. I need this. I need this distraction from everything. I don't have to sleep with him. I can just enjoy being close to a man. Being close to someone who isn't as fucked up as Nathan is exactly what will get me through this night.

  "What do you do?" I love that he asks me that. He's interested. I don't care if it's small talk or if he's just asking to be polite.

  "I'm a personal chef," I say with a grin.

  "Seriously?" He stops and pulls back so he can look at my face. "I'm a chef too. I work at Axel NY. Do you know it?"

  My mouth falls open at the mere mention of that restaurant. It's only the best dining experience in all of Manhattan. "Are you kidding? I have been dying to go there."

  "You'll come." He pulls me back closer, his warm breath flowing across my neck. "You'll be my guest."

  This is what it's supposed to be like. This is what it feels like to be with a man who sees me as an actual person and not just someone to fuck in a hotel room one night a week.

  "I want your number before you drift away." He stops mid step to pull his smartphone from the pocket of his jeans.

  I start to call out the numbers and he pushes the phone into my hand. "Put the number in yourself. I don't want to mess it up."

  I feel giddy as I punch each of the digits into the phone and save my name in his contact list.

  "I'm calling you tomorrow morning, just so you know." He runs his tongue over his lips. I soak in how striking he is. He's got a boyish charm that reminds me of home.

  "I'll be waiting." I feel my heart leap at the fact that he didn't assume I'd jump into bed with him. He wants to get to know me.

  "Jessica." I hear his voice to the left and my stomach drops.

  I turn slowly. He's not more than three feet away, his hands tucked into his pants pocket. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

  Chapter 18

  "Did you fall asleep again?" I spit the words out him as I pace the floor in the lobby of the hotel.

  "What?" He raises both his hands in the air.

  "You had to have been asleep the last time we talked because you agreed to not interfere if you saw me with another man." I run my hand across my forehead in pure and utter exasperation.

  "That didn't include you looking for a new fuck buddy right in front of me." His tone was hard and unyielding.

  "You were doing the very same thing." I motion towards the entrance of the club. "When I got here, you were all over some brunette."

  "I work with her, Jessica." He shakes his head slightly. "I was passing through the club on my way upstairs when I saw her."

  "It's not Wednesday," I glance at the clock on the wall. "It's eleven o'clock which means it's fuck time. Why aren't you naked and in bed with someone else?"

  "I was going up to get something before I went home."

  I pause at the mention of his home. It always seems to escape me that he doesn't live here. He just stays here to fuck women. I wonder what his home looks like. I wonder what his last name is.

  "I was just giving him my number." I know I sound bitchy, but I don't care.

  "So he could call you?"

  "Yes, Nathan," I seethe. "Normal people exchange phone numbers and then they communicate with one another."

  "You're mad that I never asked for your number?"

  "No." I turn to walk back towards the club's entrance. "I'm mad at myself for ever thinking I could do this."

  "You can do this." He pulls on my elbow, stopping me in my tracks. "I can do this."

  I don't turn. I can't. I don't want to look at him when he tells me that it will work and that we just need to go up to his room to talk it out. If we do that, I'll be on my knees with his cock in my mouth within twenty minutes. I have no barrier of resistance when it comes to him. His body is irresistible to me and the only way to stop wanting it is to walk away.

  "I can't fuck you anymore," I whisper the words. "I just can't."

  He pulls me back around so I'm facing him. "You don't mean that."
>
  "It's just sex." I exhale sharply. "We had sex for a few weeks and now it's done."

  His jaw tightens. "You can't end this. I shouldn't have acted like that with the other guy in the club."

  I wince at his words. He truly thinks it's all just about how he reacts to other men. He doesn't understand that I'm becoming attached to him. That I want him in ways he'll never want me.

  "It's not about the other guy." I feel spent. "We can't keep talking about this."

  "What's it about then?" He pulls his hand through his hair and I realize he's feeling just as anxious as me.

  "You can have any woman you want, any night of the week." I motion towards the club, its pulsing music drifting into the hotel lobby. "All you have to do is leave your suite, come down here, buy a beautiful woman a drink and you're in bed with her an hour later."

  I know I sound defeated but I don't care. "I came here that first night looking for exactly that. I just wanted a man for one night. Something anonymous and intense. I wanted what you gave me."

  "I wanted that too," he offers meekly.

  "Something changed between then and now." I feel my heart pound as the words leave me. "I don't know how to explain it."

  "Try." He shifts nervously from one foot to the other. A group of women walk past us and his gaze is locked on me. He doesn't pull his eyes away from my face.

  "I've never met anyone like you." I laugh at the broad scope of that understatement. "Before you, I hadn't ever been with a man who could make me feel so many things."

  The edge of his mouth curls in a small smile and I curse inwardly. I don't want him to take pleasure in this. I don't want him to see our experiences together as some sort of accomplishment.

  "I don't know anything about you. I don't know how old you are or your last name. I think you're a lawyer because you're wound up so tight," I pause to smile at him. "I have no idea where you live or what you like to eat for dinner or what makes you happy beyond coming in a woman's mouth. I know nothing."

  He stares at me, not making any effort to respond.