by Amity Cross
Boldly, I slid underneath the covers fully clothed, my head resting on the pillow and watched him sleep. I still hadn’t decided what I was going to say. I didn’t know if there were any words to describe all the things I felt for him.
Ash groaned in his sleep, rolling onto his side and I stiffened, my eyes widening. His lips were inches from mine and the sensations that the nearness of his body caused began to muddle my thoughts even further. All those times we’d slept together at Beat flooded into my memory and I began to tremble.
His eyes cracked open like he knew someone was watching him and he stared at me, his breathing shallow. Violet was right, he was so out of it he couldn’t tell reality from fantasy.
“I didn’t do it,” he murmured, his eyes glassy and vacant.
“I know,” I replied, my heart jackhammering in my chest.
Fingertips brushed against my thigh and I jerked back in surprise. Ash hesitated, his brow furrowing in thought. If he didn’t know this was real, then could I...
Shifting forward, I ran a hand over his waist, feeling the hard ripple of muscle underneath my skin. He’d been training, that much was certain, but it wasn’t enough. For a man like Ash, it would never be enough to sate the need inside him. He needed the fight.
He stared at me as I caressed his side, trying to figure me out. Abruptly, he shifted forward, pressing his body against mine. Before I could put a palm on his chest, he rolled over, pushing me onto my back. With a groan, he settled his weight over my body and pressed his lips against mine.
Despite all the shit and chaos and rage I felt toward him, my body exploded at his touch, coming alive as his tongue swept into my mouth. If this was his dream, his drug induced fantasy, then it was my waking nightmare.
Greedy, self indulgent... This whole thing was so wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself.
His entire body was pressed against mine, I felt his hard cock as he rubbed along my thigh and I lost control. Not that I had it in the first place, but any shred that was inside me just vanished.
I wanted to be with him like before. I wanted to have this moment for myself and hope that he didn’t remember. I wanted it.
He kissed me like he was starving, like he’d been waiting for this day for his entire life. I clung to him, trying to forget the last six months, but the heartache was too strong. I tore my lips away with a gasp and that’s when his eyes opened and fixed onto mine. They were no longer glassy, but clear and green like the first day I met him.
“Ren?” he asked, his eyes wide with fear.
Fear. Ash afraid? My heart sputtered and almost died. Seriously, what reaction was I hoping for getting into bed with him while he was out of it? I was such a fucking idiot. He hissed sharply and rolled off me, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“What are you doing here?” he snapped like I was an annoyance he didn’t want or need.
I flinched at his tone and sat up; wondering if this was some kind of sick joke. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but my throat closed over, rendering me speechless. I could still feel his lips against mine, the weight of his body… I should be ripping him a new one for what he did, but instead I sat there and let him take his anger out on me.
“Get out,” he went on, his vitriol burning.
“No.”
He rose to his feet, but I didn’t have it in me to let my gaze drop.
“I don’t want you here.”
“Violet invited me,” I snapped back at him.
Ash fisted his hands into his hair and let out a roar, making me flinch backwards. “Fucking Violet!”
He stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door closed behind him and shutting me out. I stared in shock for a moment before getting out of bed. Fucked if I was letting him chuck a temper tantrum, not after all the bullshit he put me through.
I pounded my fists on the door. “You don’t have the right to shut me out,” I screeched at him. “You owe me!”
“I owe you nothing,” came his muffled voice.
His words continued to slice through my shattered heart, pounding it into a fine dust. How much more could I take before I broke down completely?
“Don’t worry Ash,” I spat. “I’ve heard it all. I know everything. If you had a shred of decency inside you, you’d have been the one who explained it to me, not your sister. Your fucking sister, Ash. Were you ever going to tell me about her? Was everything you ever said to me a fucking lie?”
Silence.
“I never lied once,” I said, thumping my fist against the door. “I gave you the truth. Always.”
I felt tears prickling in my eyes and a lump forming in my throat. The things I was considering giving up for this man and he couldn’t even face me. I thought I was the coward, but yet again I was so fucking wrong it hurt.
I slammed my fist against the door once more and said, “Fuck you.”
Turning on my heel, I strode across the room and picked up my boots and for the second time in as many days, fled the asshole’s fancy-pants house, but this time I didn’t look back, because if I did? I’d just turn around and run right back.
God, despite everything, despite all the fucked up things he’d done, something still lived inside me that burned for him.
I still wanted Ash Fuller and I hated myself for it.
I waited until I knew Beat would be dark and empty before I went back. I couldn’t face anyone after my confrontation with Ash that afternoon, especially not Dad and the Twins or Josie’s questions…and especially not Monica. My bitch of a half-sister would end up gutted and thrown to the dogs if I got my hands on her. After all, I blamed her the most for what had happened to us.
I didn’t sleep at all that night and when I ventured downstairs, all bleary eyed and hollow, I was surprised to see Dad already setting up for the day. He never usually arrived until seven am and the clock was just switching over to six.
He glanced up as he heard me on the stairs and I waved, disappearing into the kitchen. It was way too early for explanations.
Fixing myself a bowl of cereal, I sat at the table, hoping that food would fix the hollow feeling that had opened up in my gut. Probably not, but it was worth a try.
“Hey Ren,” Dad said as he walked into the kitchen.
“Hey,” I replied, glancing up from my breakfast.
Dad slid into the chair next to mine with a grim look on his face. He’d come in early for a reason and it was obviously to talk to me about something he didn’t want anyone else overhearing.
“What?” I asked, my stomach churning. The cereal wasn’t helping in the slightest.
He worried his hands for a moment before spitting it out. “Is going pro really what you want?”
“Dad…”
“Ren, please just answer the question.”
“But it’s your dream,” I said, dropping my spoon into the bowl.
He shook his head. “I’ve been an asshole to you Ren. I shoved you in the storeroom like a dirty little secret. I never asked you once how you felt.”
I snorted. I’d hated him so much for doing that, but things had changed. “But I like it now.”
“I should’ve handled things a lot better,” he went on. “I made a mess out of it. That day you turned up here, I didn’t know what the hell was going on and when you told me that Anna had passed away…” He trailed off, running a hand over his face. “I loved your mother Ren. I really did. My greatest regret in life was leaving you both like I did.”
“I know,” I replied. We’d had this talk a few weeks ago and I wasn’t sure why he wanted to drag it up yet again.
“Are you happy?” he asked.
I shrugged.
“You can be honest with me Ren. I know this Championship is my dream and sometimes I feel like I’m forcing it on you.”
“I—” I began, but Dad held up his hand.
“I can see something has been bothering you Ren. Don’t feel like you have to go through with this because of me,” he said firmly. “I want what�
�s best for you and if that means you want to take another path, then so be it. I’ll understand whatever you choose.”
I stared at him and suddenly felt like crying. When the fuck did my dad get so…nice? Sometimes I wished he was just the hard-ass coach of Beat and nothing more, but sometimes I wished he was just my dad. I wasn’t sure how the latter was meant to go because I’d never really had a father figure, but I was beginning to understand. It was about unconditional love and support and that’s what he was trying to give me.
“Is going pro what you really want, Ren?”
It was that moment I knew in my heart and soul what I wanted. There was no denying it.
I shook my head, tears threatening to spill. Tears of relief. “No,” I said. “No, I don’t.”
Dad smiled thinly and raised his arm. I fell against him and let him hug me in a rare show of affection.
“Thank you,” he said.
“For what? I just burst your bubble.”
“For telling me the truth. I want your life to be about what you want, Ren. Never forget that.”
“Thanks Dad.”
“So, what do you want to do?” he asked after a moment.
“I’m not sure, but I’m trying to figure it out.”
“Where did you disappear to yesterday?”
I sat up straight, his arm falling away. If things were going to go down the way I hoped they would, I had to be straight with him. “I went to see Ash.”
Dad’s eyes widened in surprise. “Ash?”
I nodded. “We’ve got a lot of baggage to get through, but I’m going to see him again.”
“Ren—” he began and I saw the disapproval in his eyes.
“Dad,” I interrupted before he could get going on a father-ish rant. “I know I’ve been difficult the last few months—”
“Difficult? Ash broke your heart.” I gave him a look. “You never said it, but I could tell. A father knows these things about his little girl.”
Once, I would’ve bit back at him about calling me that, but all I did was shake my head. “I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, but I have to get answers. After he disappeared like that, there are a lot of things…It was just unfinished.” I shrugged, not knowing how to explain the inner workings of my heart to my father. “Besides, I always thought he was your favorite.”
“Was,” Dad said, narrowing his eyes. “That was until—”
“Yeah, yeah.” I waved a hand at him. “I can handle myself Dad. I need to do this before I can move on.”
He stared at me a moment and sighed. “You’re so much like your mother it’s uncanny. She was stubborn and headstrong, just like you.”
“I know,” I said with a smile. “I know.”
“She was also a hell of a fighter. Not with her fists, but she could cut a man down to size with a handful of words.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
We sat in silence for a while, both of us lost in our own memories of the same woman. Mother and wife.
“I gather you still want to train?” Dad asked after a while.
“Yeah.”
“Then I expect to see you out on the mats in ten minutes.”
Smiling up at him, I nodded. “You’ve got it Coach.”
My future was now one hundred percent uncertain, but the relief that flowed through my body was refreshing. The pressure that had been weighing on my shoulders for the past few months had lifted and I could finally breathe. It never felt so good to be lost in my entire life. I could do absolutely anything I wanted and then some. My future was mine and there was one thing I wanted to tackle before I could even think about what that future might look like.
I needed to go and kick Ash Fuller square in the balls.
I must be into pain because I was going back into the beast’s lair and this time Ash would be the one who’d grovel at my feet.
15
Ash
Violet was giving me that look again.
It had become her trademark in a way, mainly because I kept doing stupid shit.
I was on the flat of my back, bench pressing a weight that bordered on dangerous without a spotter. Drop that shit on my chest and hello pearly gates.
The downstairs gym had become my home inside my home, or some other stupid house arrest metaphor, and I spent just as much time here as I did when I was off training at Beat and then some. But right now, Violet was ruining my mojo by being all ‘authority figure’ with me. When the fuck did our roles reverse?
“You had no right inviting her here,” I said, scowling up at her as I lifted the bar back into the bracket.
She glanced at the weights, then at me, her eyebrow quirking. Typical Fuller.
“Well, I don’t have to worry about neutering you,” she said, putting her hands on her hips. “You’re doing a bang up job of cutting your own balls off.”
“Fuck,” I exclaimed, sitting up. “Watch your mouth.”
“Hypocrite.”
“I’m serious Violet,” I snapped. “You had no right inviting her here. You know I didn’t want her seeing me like this.”
“You need to make it right with her,” she said, ignoring my tone. “She loves you.”
“How do you know?” I put a stop to Ren ever loving me the moment I left. To her, that was the ultimate betrayal. It was the unforgivable.
“I know because she came here to face you. Twice.”
My heart twisted in my chest and I stared up at Violet. “What?”
“That wasn’t a ghost you saw.”
“You...” I couldn’t believe what the fuck I was hearing right now. Ren had seen me doped up to the eyeballs...she’d seen me...
“You need to let her in. Let her care Ash. I know you don’t want to look weak, but—”
“But nothing,” I snapped, rubbing my eyes.
“If you love someone, you love them despite their flaws. She came back twice Ash. Twice. If she didn’t want you because you were weak, then she wouldn’t have come back at all.”
As usual, my little sister knew more about the world than I did and it put me to fucking shame. She’d gathered up the courage to face the world that she was so afraid of to try and save me and my stupid fucking heart. She went and faced down an angry Ren Miller. Reign of Terror. Fucking hell.
“I don’t even know what to do,” I said, swatting the back of my hand at a bead of sweat that was tracking a path down my forehead.
“I’ll tell you what you’re going to do,” she declared. “You’re going to go pick up your phone and call her. You’re going to beg her for forgiveness. You’re going to ask her to come back and you’re going to tell her everything. You’re going to grow the fuck up and realize that you can’t be everything to everyone all of the time. You’re going to realize you’re human just like the rest of us.”
“Fuck,” I hissed.
Violet clapped her hands together. “Up. Go on, get going.”
“Anyone ever tell you you’d make a good coach?”
“Don’t test me.”
Knowing what was good for me, and a little of it being that I doted on her way too much, I escaped the gym and Violet’s reprimand and went upstairs.
Closing the door to my room, I sat on the edge of the bed, wondering if I should call Ren. I’d said some pretty fucked up things to her. Sighing heavily, I picked up the magazine I’d stared at every day since it arrived in the mail about six weeks ago.
The six page story on Beat dominated the whole thing, but it wasn’t the reason why I kept it. It was a story about the studio where I got my start, but it was obvious that one person shone above the rest. Ren Miller. Spitfire. The next big thing to hit the AUFC qualifying circuit.
There was a full page photograph of her standing in the middle of Beat dressed in her gear and she was beautiful. She was this shining, beautiful, wild star and every time I stared at it I ached like a fucking fool. That was love, wasn’t it? Sometimes love wasn’t enough to fix things, but maybe
I had to believe for it to work.
Fuck, Violet wanted me to call her but she was probably qualified by now. Of course she was. She was one of the best female fighters I’d seen in a long time. The Championship started in less than six weeks, the last thing she needed was to deal with me. She’d be training non-stop...
Violet’s words came back and sliced right into my chest cavity. She came back twice.
I picked up the phone I kept stashed in my bedside table, the one that I never used, and brought up her number. Ren had the balls, so I better be able to match them.
I pressed the call button and pressed the phone to my ear, my guts squirming at the sound of every ring. For a moment I thought she wasn’t going to pick up, but just as it was about to flip to voicemail, there she was.
“Hello?”
“Ren?” My voice came out uncertain and it pissed me off.
There was a pause filled with rumbling background noise and I wondered where she was.
“Ash?” she said after a moment.
“Yeah.”
More silence. Shit, I was fucking crap at this.
I didn’t know what else to say, so I just got to the point. “I need to see you again.”
“So do I.”
She wanted to see me. She was probably going to hand my balls to me on a silver platter, but it was a start. At least we were going to be in the same room again. Maybe this time I could do it over. Maybe this time I could kiss her and remember it.
“When?” I asked, too chicken shit to add in the words, I’m wide open.
“Today.”
“I can find someone to come get you…” I began.
“No need,” she said and my heart did a nosedive. “I’m ten minutes away.”
16
Ren
Ash was waiting at the door when I pressed the buzzer on the gate.
I couldn’t help but take in his impressive body as I walked up the path, my entire being squirming under his scrutiny. His hair was damp, water beaded against his skin and despite myself, my gaze dropped to the collar of his black T-shirt where the very top of his tattoo peeked out from underneath the fabric. Even when he was down and out, Ash always had this imposing presence about him that commanded attention.
