by Amity Cross
“Hey,” he said, his green eyes travelling the length of my body.
“Hey.” Old feelings stirred beneath the surface, but I squashed them back down.
He stood back so I could come inside and I stepped into the foyer, hugging my arms around my middle.
“We can go upstairs,” he said, closing the door. “We’ll be alone up there.”
The thought of being alone with Ash Fuller sent shivers into all the right places, but unfortunately it was the wrong time. I didn’t reply; I just let him lead me up the stairs to his bedroom, to his man cave, like a lamb to the slaughter.
I closed the door behind me as Ash sat heavily on the edge of the bed. He looked tired, totally strung out, but alert.
I sat on the bed next to him, careful to leave enough space between us. The air seemed to zap with electricity and a lot of different things that had been left undone and unsaid.
“I’m sorry about the other day.” He shoved his hand through his hair. “I didn’t expect…”
I brushed my fingers against my lips, the memory of his hungry kiss still burned into my skin. “Neither did I.”
“I shouldn’t have—” His head dropped into his hands. “I keep fucking up.”
“I was the one who got into bed with you,” I said. “Violet told me you were on some pretty strong meds.”
“Stop trying to make excuses for me.”
Fear and something close to regret flashed through his eyes and I swallowed hard. His sister had been raped and I’d almost suffered the same fate. To Ash, this was the same thing.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “You can’t compare yourself to that asshole. This was different. We never—”
“Ren—”
“I wanted it,” I interrupted. “I wanted more than a kiss...”
He began to reach out for me, but dropped his hand thinking better of it.
“I never wanted you to see me like this,” he said.
“Did you think it would change my opinion of you?”
He snorted.
“I’m so fucking angry with you,” I said. “You left me…you said…”
“I left to protect you,” he snapped. “I sacrificed—” He clamped his mouth shut and glanced away.
“If you had of explained—”
“And what?” he asked. “What would’ve you done, Ren? You couldn’t have helped me.”
“Fuck you,” I cried, standing up. “And your answer was to try and kill the guy?”
“I didn’t kill him,” Ash roared, standing to face me.
“And what you did was any more right than that?” I yelled back. “You didn’t have to leave me.” I started to shake, barely holding on.
“I fucked up your life Ren. Don’t tell me that leaving you wasn’t the kindest thing I ever did.”
I stared at him, not believing the shit that he was dribbling. “You don’t get it do you?”
“What’s there to get?” he asked. “I’m a fuck up. A beast.”
“I was in it for better or worse,” I yelled at him. “I’d never have given up on us. You. Gave. Up.”
He jerked his hand through his hair, his muscles flexing.
I picked up the magazine from beside the bed, the same magazine that he’d obviously read over and over, and slapped it against his chest. He caught it in his big paw, his eyes wide.
“If you didn’t fucking care, then why did you keep this?”
He stared at the magazine, rather than lifting his gaze to meet mine. “I thought I was doing the right thing…”
“Well, it wasn’t.”
He bit his bottom lip and I knew that he was trying to keep it together. If he snapped I wasn’t sure what he’d do. Burst into tears or go on a rampage. Remembering the day he’d gone Hulk in the middle of Beat, I realized that the phone call he’d gotten must’ve been from Hammer. Hammer had threatened me and taunted Ash with what he’d done to Violet...
“I know you were trying to spare me Ash. I knew you thought it was the right thing to do, but you’re letting your anger rule you.”
He shook his head, his gaze falling to the floor.
“You should’ve let your heart…” I swallowed the lump in my throat before saying, “You should’ve let me help you.”
“After what he was going to do to you?”
“Especially because of what he was going to do.”
Ash’s head came up and his eyes were glassy.
“Don’t you think I wanted my revenge too?” It was such a simple notion, and one I hadn’t really thought of pressing before, but it was one of the truest things I’d ever said to Ash Fuller. I wanted payback, but that was for another day.
“It was my job to protect you,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “I failed.”
I felt anger rising again, anger and frustration. I turned on my heel, striding for the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I need a time out,” I spat, slamming the door closed behind me.
I’d be doing us all a favor by walking away. It was the easy way out after all. Unfortunately for me, my heart wasn’t in it.
Like a magnet for pain, I still wanted him. I still wanted Ash for better or worse.
And things were probably about to get a lot worse before they got anywhere close to being better.
I found myself in Ash’s kitchen, not knowing if I was welcome to wander the house. It seemed like this forbidden space that I wasn’t welcome in just yet.
I sat at the dining table and studied the decor. It had female touches all over the place and I guessed that was Violet.
I wondered about the rest of the house, what else he kept locked away here. There must be a gym hidden away in a corner, a lounge, study…whatever random rooms fancy houses had. All I knew about homes were two bedrooms, a lounge, kitchen and a bathroom. That’s all anyone ever needed. All this space for two people seemed…a lot.
“Hey.”
I glanced up at Violet as she hovered in the doorway to the kitchen.
“Things aren’t going too good?” she asked.
I grimaced. “I needed a time out.”
“Sometimes I wish I could punch him out, but the best way to get through my brother’s thick skull is to slap him around with words.”
“Yeah, I’m just having a hard time figuring out the right ones.”
She slid into a chair opposite. “Maybe you should start at the beginning.”
“What do you mean?” I asked with a frown.
“Put aside all the things you can’t agree on and get to know one another. You know, for who you are underneath the surface and all that.”
I raised my eyebrows in genuine surprise. “How do you know this stuff? Are you a shrink in training?”
“I don’t talk to many people,” she said with a laugh. “But I read a lot of romance novels.”
I felt a smile crack the surface and I laughed despite the ache I felt in my soul. I liked Violet Fuller. A lot.
“You know,” I said. “I think you’re right. There are so many things he never told me… I guess we were too into each other to bother. Do you think he’ll go for it?”
Violet winked like she knew something that I didn’t. “I know he will.”
I’d decided I was in this for the long haul the moment I gave up my placing in the AUFC, so there was no doubt that I was going upstairs to try again. Violet’s suggestion had just cut out the middle man. The ‘middle man’ being lots of arguing.
“Thanks,” I said, pushing the chair back.
“You’ve got guts,” she said as I rose to my feet. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For sticking around. For trying to help him.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know about helping him. It feels a little more selfish than that.”
Violet smiled, looking pleased with herself. “You’re honest,” she said.
“Is that a good thing?”
“It’s a very good thing. Ash needs someone to be b
rutally honest and you’re the perfect person.”
I backed away, making for the stairs. “Well, we’ll see how that goes.”
People said that honesty was the best policy, but sometimes it was too brutal to vocalize. Maybe that’s the only way Ash could understand things. He was brutal when he fought, so perhaps ripping it off like a band-aid might do the trick. Sighing as I climbed the stairs, I liked Violet’s other approach much better. Go back to the beginning and get to know him again.
Yeah, that sounded just about right. The band-aid ripping could come later.
I eased open the bedroom door and peered inside. Ash was sitting on the end of the bed, elbows on his knees, head bowed.
“Ash?”
He glanced up, his gaze fixing on me. “You’re still here.”
“I said I needed a time out, not that I was leaving.” I crossed the room and sat on the opposite side of the bed. “It was either cool off or let things descend into a slanging match.”
He grunted, casting his gaze back out the window.
“We need to start from the beginning,” I said. “I think somehow we met somewhere in the middle.”
“The middle of what?”
“You know; the bits after people learn about all the mundane things.”
“Like their favorite color?” Ash snorted.
“You scoff at me now, but everything’s important.”
I wasn’t sure what to follow that up with so I fell back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. A moment later Ash lay back next to me. He was close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from his body, but not close enough to touch. The chemistry was still there between us and it was hotter than ever, but we’d just implode if we couldn’t get our heads on the same wavelength. If we gave in, we’d be over before we even started.
“It was my birthday the other day,” I said, not knowing why I cared to tell him.
“It was?”
I nodded, closing my eyes.
Ash snorted. “I didn’t know.”
“It was the second since my mum died.” I felt his fingertips graze the back of my hand and I stiffened. “It was always just me and her,” I said awkwardly. “I didn’t want to be reminded.” Pulling my hand away, I sat up, trying to distance myself from him.
“I’m sorry,” he said, sitting beside me.
“For what?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know how to explain it.”
I glanced around the room, studying every nook and cranny I could see from my perch on the bed. I could feel Ash’s gaze fixed on me, but I didn’t have the courage to stare back.
“Where are your parents?” I asked.
Ash grimaced and cast his gaze onto his hands.
“Did I ask the wrong thing?”
“No, it’s just… They gave up on me the moment I was sent to prison. I haven’t spoken to them in five years and I don’t expect to start any time soon.”
“They never came to visit you?”
He shook his head.
“Violet?”
“She sided with me and was put into the same pot.” He began worrying the hem of his shorts. “It’s just her and me.”
“They just abandoned you?” I tried not to let my jaw drop, but this was the one thing I knew all about. Parents who were meant to be there but weren’t through their own choice.
“I wasn’t a good kid Ren. I fought kids twice my size just for kicks, I was constantly getting suspended from school. I got expelled three times. My parents put up with me until they saw an opportunity to get rid of me for good. It was like they were biding their time until I was old enough to go out on my own.” He ran his hand over his face, obviously uncomfortable with the subject matter. “It wasn’t until I found Beat that I felt like I belonged somewhere. It… Fuck.”
I’d always thought we were alike and now I knew it. “You could’ve told me.”
“You don’t need more shit to deal with. You’ve got your fair share and then some.”
“You thought I’d be burdened?” I asked. “Shit, if anything, I burdened you. You’ve got just as much shit to deal with as I do.”
“Like you had a choice Ren. Your history with your dad is common knowledge. What was I supposed to say? Your dad abandoned you when you were most vulnerable…hey, mine too.”
I wanted to lean forward and slap my hand over his mouth to stop him from saying all the stupid things that were breaking my heart over and over. For such a powerful man, he sure didn’t have a lot of confidence in other people. He respected my dad as his coach; he loved his sister and me? I wasn’t quite sure, but I wondered if all I ever caused him was turmoil. A shitstorm of wild emotions he couldn’t tame, right along with his anger.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I always tried to understand you, but I didn’t get it.”
“Don’t be sorry. I was the one who kept it from you.”
Turning so I could face him, I reached out and traced the edge of his T-shirt. I let my fingers press against the parts of his tattoo that were visible and he flinched slightly as our skin connected.
Letting my hand drop, I asked, “What does it mean?”
Ash reached behind and fisted his hand into the material of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. My gaze dropped to his chest, taking in the tattoo that covered his entire front. It moved with every muscle and every curve of his impressive body and I couldn’t help reaching out again. I let my fingers trace each star across his collarbone before dropping to do the same with the words I’d wondered about since the first time I saw him.
Ash watched me as I touched him, letting me explore. His entire body seemed to be coiled, restrained from pouncing, flinching or pulling away…who knew which. Dropping my hand back into my lap, I glanced up at his twisted expression, silently begging him to tell me.
“Rage,” he said, pointing to the first word that was etched across his right pec. “You know what that one’s about.”
“Do I ever,” I said absently. That was something I’d witnessed over and over.
“Heart.” He pointed to the word over his sternum, right in the middle of his chest. He shrugged, giving away that he was having a hard time vocalizing his thoughts again.
He pointed to the last one. “Rebirth.” He grimaced. “I’m still working on that one.”
I stared at him, my heart swelling with pride. It was hard for him but he was trying a little bit at a time and I sighed. Not with frustration, with content.
“What?” he asked, frowning at my reaction.
“Progress,” I breathed.
“Progress,” he echoed.
Finally we were getting somewhere, reaching common ground.
Ash reached behind him and held up the magazine. “Wanna show me your new moves?”
Smiling up at him, I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, that would be great.”
17
Ash
That first day, we fooled around in the downstairs gym and I couldn’t believe how far Ren’d come in six months.
She was always a fast teach, but she’d changed into something else entirely. A force of fucking nature.
There were two places we’d always connected. Those midnight training sessions at Beat and when we were naked and fucking. The second wasn’t an option…yet…but the first we could do something about.
She came back every day for an entire week after that and we trained together like old times. I helped her prepare a regime that would see her through the beginning of the AUFC season and tried not to think about when she’d fly to Sydney. She hadn’t mentioned it and I hadn’t asked.
We got to know stupid little details about one another in endless games of twenty questions. She liked plain food, no spice. She liked the color red. She liked carnations because they reminded her of her mum. She didn’t like coffee and preferred hot chocolate. She didn’t like wearing makeup, but she didn’t need it. She liked rock music and hated the crap they played on commercial radio.
She asked me what I liked t
he most about training and the only answer I could think of was her. So I told her as much and she heaved a medicine ball right into my guts. Apparently that was cheating, but it was the truth, no matter how soppy that shit was.
Whenever Ren came back, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I was convinced if I glanced away for one second she’d disappear and I’d wake up and realize it was all a dream.
We fought, but she came back.
Why couldn’t I just fucking tell her how I felt? For a lot of reasons, the worst one would be scaring her away for good. What if she wasn’t ready to hear it? Shit, I wasn’t sure I was ready for it. Everything had happened so fast between us, whiplash had nothing on it.
We were in the gym taking a breather after a three hour session rotating through the weights when I caught that look in her eye. The one that said she was stewing over something she wanted to ask. We hadn’t tackled any of the big questions yet and with Ren it was only a matter of time before her curiosity won through.
“You’ve got that look on your face,” I said before taking a mouthful of water from my drink bottle.
Her pretty doe eyes widened. “What look?”
“What do you want to ask me?”
“I haven’t seen you take your medication,” she said uncertainly.
“I stopped.”
“Why?”
“I don’t like the person I am on them.” I shrugged. “I don’t need them. I don’t want them.”
“What did the doctor say?”
Annoyance began to stir in my guts. “Fuck the doctor.”
“Ash.”
“The medicine wasn’t helping Ren,” I argued. “It just made me into a fucking zombie. I’ve made more progress in the last week than I have in my entire life. It’s you—” I hesitated. “You…” I grunted in frustration. “I have a hard time with this.” I waved my hands around.
“Talking?” she asked, stepping towards me.
I sighed. “Yeah. But it’s easier with you.”
“We’ve been doing okay this past week right?”
