by Amity Cross
Shoving open the door, I fled out onto the footpath, the cool air doing nothing to chill the mortification that flooded my cheeks. My footsteps thundered across the concrete, and I jerked open the back door of the taxi and slid inside.
“Where to, miss?” The driver was looking at me expectantly in the rear vision mirror.
I gave him the address and sank back against the seat, fumbling in my bag for a tissue to soak up the tears that were flooding my eyes. As the car pulled away, my gaze crossed with Lincoln’s as he stood on the footpath with his hands buried in his hair.
Why did he care?
For the first time in years, I’d felt life beginning to flow through my veins, and I thought it was because of him, but maybe I should start giving myself more credit.
It wasn’t Lincoln who was responsible for the change in my soul…it was all me.
15
Violet
I drove into Pulse the day after what I was referring to as ‘the incident’ with my stomach churning.
I was tired as fuck, and crying myself to sleep hadn’t helped one iota. Seriously, I’d been way more emotional since starting work at Pulse than I had in my entire life, and I’d been through some horrendous shit.
At three a.m., it became obvious I wasn’t getting anywhere with counting sheep, so I’d called it quits and sat on the laptop until I had to get up. I’d found the perfect quote on Pinterest and saved it onto my phone. It was a swirly design with stars and galaxies in shades of purple with bold white text. I made sure I set it as the wallpaper, so every time I powered the phone on, I could see the words ‘You are in charge of your own destiny’.
Maybe it was a knee-jerk reaction to ‘the incident’, but maybe it was exactly what I needed to hear.
You are in charge of your own destiny. Damn straight. I didn’t need a man or love to get me through…I just needed me. But as I parked the car out the back of the gym and killed the engine, I began to feel sick. How was I going to look him in the eye? What would I even say to him?
Sliding out of the car, I clutched my bag against my chest, my fingers trembling. It felt like the first day I’d come here, but now I was without Ash. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, calmed myself and opened them again. Confidence, Violet. I just had to get through today and then I could talk to Dr. Ormond about it tonight.
Pushing through the back door, I stepped into Pulse, my heart beating erratically in my chest. Instead of lingering like I had the past week, I hurried through the gym and up the stairs, not raising my gaze from the floor. Just like old times.
Closing myself in my safe zone, I sat heavily at the desk and pulled out the energy drink I’d brought from home, cracked it open and downed half the can. At least I’d be buzzing with more than embarrassment and a broken heart today.
Lincoln had said he’d help me, but what he did wasn’t helping. He shouldn’t make promises he couldn’t keep, and I shouldn’t latch onto small scraps of kindness and make them bigger than they were.
“Violet.”
The sound of Lincoln’s voice sliced right through me, putting a dent in my soul. I wished I could just pretend he wasn’t there, that all of this was a bad dream. I wished I’d never left the house in the first place.
“Violet,” he said more forcefully, and I glared up at him.
“If you’re worried that I’ll tell Ash you were fucking a customer on the premises, don’t worry about it.”
“Violet, I didn’t mean…”
“Didn’t mean for me to hear you?” I asked, scowling. “If I had paint stripper, I’d tip it in my ears.”
“I wanted it to be you.”
I froze, the old Violet coming to the surface. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
“Vee—”
“Don’t call me that,” I snapped. “Only Ash calls me that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What’s there to be sorry for?” I retorted. “You’re not my boyfriend.” The words sliced into my heart deeper than I thought possible. “If you don’t mind, I’ve got work to do.” I turned to the computer and promptly tried to ignore him but failed horribly. He filled every sense I had to the point it physically ached.
Of all the dead shit assholes in the world, I had to fall for the most clueless of the bunch. He wanted it to be me? Who said that to a woman the day after she hears them fucking someone else? Seriously. Maybe I was old fashioned, or maybe I was just decent, but I thought if you wanted someone, you’d do whatever it took to get them—without taking a detour because you were sexually frustrated.
“I—” He clamped his mouth shut, obviously deciding that whatever excuse he was about to rattle off was pathetic.
“We watched a movie together,” I said thinly, not turning around. “That’s all.” It wasn’t all, but I was blowing it all out of proportion.
I felt him move behind me, and he set his hand on my shoulder. “Vee…”
It was the second time he’d touched me, apart from the other night where he’d lifted my chin, and the contact was so unexpected I twisted away sharply. My movement was so violent I almost fell off the chair and landed on my ass.
Lincoln jerked back, his expression full of surprise.
Clutching my hand over my heart, I breathed deeply. “Please, just go.”
I was becoming more mortified with each second. Turning, I rested my elbows against the desktop and placed my face into my palms. How could I want him like that when his touch terrified me? How could I even let him kiss me if that was my reaction? I couldn’t.
He didn’t move, his presence still looming behind me. I could feel his gaze on my back, and it burned. A moment later, he shuffled away and the door closed softly. Peering at the reflection in the computer screen, I could see I was alone. Glancing over my shoulder to make sure, I let my shoulders sag, the tension I’d been holding bleeding away.
I dropped my head into my hands, and a sob escaped my throat. I was trying to be strong, trying to pretend it didn’t sting like a bitch, but I was only fooling myself. I wasn’t okay. Not by a long shot.
It just got fucking worse. My life was one big horrible mess with no end in sight. When Ash got back, I’d tell him I quit. I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d thought I’d be okay knowing I couldn’t have Lincoln but having it smashed into my face by someone like Andrea? Beautiful, confident, toned, leggy, fucking Andrea. I was too weak, too afraid and too fucking broken to handle it.
Taking a deep breath, I wiped away my tears and resumed work on the pile of invoices that Bobby had left on my desk.
When Ash got back, I’d tell him I couldn’t work here anymore. He’d be disappointed, but maybe I could come back after Lincoln had left.
Yeah, maybe I could do that.
Dr. Ormond’s office was fast becoming another one of my safe zones. I never thought I’d say it, considering how I’d rebelled against the whole therapy thing in the beginning, but I was fast becoming a believer. There were things, like the ‘incident’, I could never ever talk to Ash about. Dr. Ormond would offer a sensible course of action whereas my brother would just go and knock Lincoln’s head off.
“How are things going at Pulse?” she asked as I settled in on the couch.
“Okay.”
“Just okay?”
I shrugged, knowing Dr. Ormond would have to work to get it out of me, as per usual.
“Have you spoken to Lincoln since he slept over?”
“A little,” I replied, beginning to squirm.
“And how has that been? Easier?”
“Yes and no.”
Dr. Ormond leaned forward. “No?”
“Something happened…” I trailed off, my mind going back to last night at the gym. Heartbreak. Lincoln and her. Not me. Her.
“Violet?”
I glanced up at Dr. Ormond and knew she was only trying to help. Whether it was only because I paid her to or she really was that invested, remained to be seen.
“He was having sex with a
nother woman.” I felt embarrassed even saying it.
“Who?”
“Lincoln.”
“At the gym?”
I nodded. “In the change room. I didn’t see, but I heard…”
“And what did you do?” she asked kindly.
“They saw me afterward… I ran.” An image of Lincoln on the footpath as the taxi drove off appeared in my mind. His hands were buried in his hair. He’d look distraught that I’d heard them. Maybe it was because he’d wanted it to be me he fucked, or maybe it was just an excuse to butter me up so Ash wouldn’t fire him.
“How did it make you feel?”
I glanced at Dr. Ormond. Shit. All kinds of things. “Inadequate. Heartbroken.”
“The other woman—”
“She’s beautiful. Confident, fit.” I interrupted.
“Everything you think you’re not?” Dr. Ormond asked.
I shrugged. She’d hit the nail on the head. “She’s a customer at the gym.”
“Well, that’s grounds for dismissal, I think.”
I stared at her and shook my head. “I wouldn’t…”
“You wouldn’t report him?”
I shrugged, glancing down at my hands.
“Do you think you might be fixating on him?” she asked gently. “He’s the first person, other than your brother and his girlfriend, who showed you kindness after the attack.”
I’d thought that myself but maybe hearing it from good old Dr. Ormond was what I needed to solidify it.
“This is so messed up,” I said, hiding my face in my hands. “He tried to apologize, and he touched me on the shoulder… I pulled away so fast… I wasn’t expecting it…”
“Touching is a part of human nature, Violet.”
“I know, it’s just…” I took a deep breath. “He’s never really touched me before. Not on purpose. I think I scared him off for good.”
Dr. Ormond regarded me for a moment and scrawled in her notebook.
“If he wants to apologize, maybe you should let him,” she said after a moment. “After all, he’s only going to be working there for a few more weeks. Is that right?”
I nodded, my mind going over all the things that had happened between Lincoln and me since he’d reappeared in my life. The most vivid of the bunch was the night I’d lain on my bed and touched myself while thinking about him. It was the thought of his hand, not Hammer’s, that had allowed me to orgasm after all this time. That had to mean something despite everything else.
“Do…” I trailed off, not knowing how to ask the million-dollar question.
“You can ask me anything, Violet. You know that.”
“Do you think I will ever be able to let anyone touch me like that again?”
“Sex?” she asked, smiling kindly at me. “When you’re ready, I believe so.”
“I think I’m falling for him,” I said. “But he lives in Sydney for most of the year. His whole life is about fighting…”
“Violet.” I glanced up at Dr. Ormond, and her expression dashed my hopes. “Don’t get too ahead of yourself. You only have a friendship with this man, and making plans for a possible future isn’t productive for your recovery. It will only hinder it.”
I raised my eyebrows, suddenly feeling exhausted. She was right. I’d already written an end to this story, an end that I wanted, but just like that night I’d touched myself, it was a fantasy. It wasn’t real.
In a few more weeks, Lincoln would go back to Sydney and start training again. His time at Pulse was a blip on his radar. His shoulder was an unavoidable hitch in an otherwise solid plan that didn’t include me. It never did.
Anyway, it didn’t matter one way or another. He would choose his career time and time again, right? He’d been working toward competing in professional MMA for his entire life. He wouldn’t give that up for a broken woman he never had in the first place.
He was just being nice. He didn’t love me. He couldn’t. This whole thing was unrequited, and Dr. Ormond was right. I was just hurting myself.
Anyway, how could I expect him to love me when I couldn’t love myself?
“I think… I think it was wrong to go work at Pulse,” I whispered.
“No,” Dr. Ormond said firmly. “It was the best decision you ever made.”
I stared up at her, and all I wanted to do was cry.
“Look at yourself, Violet,” she went on. “In the space of a few short months, you’ve gotten out of the house and stepped into the world. You drive yourself to work, you’ve made friends with the staff, and you’ve been handling all the administration for your brother’s business in his absence. Violet, you’ve made tremendous progress. Don’t let this heartache set you back.”
I felt a tear slide down my cheek, and she reached to the table beside her and pulled a tissue from the box. She handed it to me with a kind smile, her glasses slipping down her nose.
“You should be very proud of yourself,” she continued. “Heartache is a normal part of life. It hurts, but you’ll weather it. You’ll go through a lot more of them before you’re old and grey.”
“You think?” I asked, dabbing my tears with the tissue.
Dr. Ormond smiled, pushing her glasses back into place. “I know.”
16
Lincoln
Yeah, I’d fucked up.
I was using Andrea to work out my frustration over Violet. I was fucking another woman while wishing it was her. How could I be such a fucking dumb asshole?
She had feelings for me. I could see it in her eyes every time she looked at me. I could see it in her body in the way she trembled and shied away. She’d said it herself—she didn’t know how to talk to me. I said I would help…
Glancing around the gym, it was fairly quiet. Ryan and Cole had gone into the kitchen for lunch, but I wasn’t feeling it. The outside world seemed more enthralling than an argument with those two about pushing boundaries.
A walk it was. Maybe the fresh air would clear some of the dumb outta my brain.
“Linc?”
I stopped mid-stride as I heard Andrea call out behind me. Annoyance flared, and I turned to face her.
“What?”
Her eyebrows rose. “We on for tonight?” she asked coyly.
“No,” I snapped.
“Excuse me?” She put her hands on her hips, thrusting her tits out.
“I said no.”
“But—”
“No one ever dump you before?” I scowled, not wanting to deal with this shit. She knew the score, and now she was pushing the envelope. She didn’t have the right.
She flinched, her eyes beginning to water. I was beyond giving a crap if I hurt her feelings or not. She’d reveled in Violet’s reaction the other night, and it wasn’t good. It was as classless as her fake tits.
“Linc—”
“I’m not interested, Andrea,” I said more forcefully. “If you want personal training, sign up with one of the other guys.”
She pouted and slipped a hand down the front of her shorts. “How about our other arrangement?”
Narrowing my eyes, I snapped, “Not. Interested.”
Before I let my anger overwhelm me, I turned on my heel, pushed out the front door of Pulse and stepped out onto the street. Ash had been right about her, but I’d picked up on it too. Andrea was trouble and me? I’d done nothing but be a dumb ass since I got here.
Trying to separate myself from my anger, I walked and walked until I found myself on the main shopping street. As a tram rattled by, followed by a line of traffic, pedestrians stepped around me. I was always surrounded by people from Coach, Josie and Dean all the way to the lights and cameras of the AUFC. There were stands full of fans and even more watching the broadcasts, not to mention the people waiting for autographs—I was never alone. Out here on the streets of Melbourne, I could just be any dude. Nobody paid me the slightest bit of attention, other than to give me a wide berth—I must look like a thug with my muscles and hardened expression. I didn’t give a
stuff about any of it. All I could think about was the fact I’d let down the one person who I should’ve been looking out for.
I thought I didn’t owe anybody anything, but I’d made a promise.
I wandered down the street, passing a greengrocer and an Asian supermarket, and had crossed a few roads before something caught my eye. Pausing out the front of a chemist, I stared at the display of hairspray, images of Violet and that fucking spider coming to mind. I was pissed as hell, but the image of her spraying the fucking thing so much it stuck to the roof made a smile pull at the corner of my mouth. Then she’d been comfortable enough with me that she’d fallen asleep and fuck…she’d looked like an angel. A motherfucking angel. I hadn’t even touched her and she’d gotten me this worked up.
There must be a reason I hadn’t stopped thinking about Violet all these years. How could I turn away from that without even trying? Dumb ass. I could fix this. I had to—for her sake and mine. Ash would kill me with his bare hands if he found out I’d hurt her.
I should’ve put my full attention into her from the beginning, and I shouldn’t have let Andrea grab my cock. That’s the trouble with being a dumb fuck. You’re dumb. What could I do to show her I was sorry?
I kept going back to the night I went over to her house, and we’d watched that movie. The moment she’d finally let me glimpse the person she was hiding. It was at that moment I knew, without a doubt, I wanted to know more.
Snatching up a can of hairspray, I took it inside and forked over the cash. As an afterthought, I went into the florist next door, and the chick behind the counter gave me a confused look when I picked up a long piece of purple ribbon and tied it around the hairspray. Violet equaled purple, right?
Maybe this would show her I gave a crap.
17
Violet
I was beginning to dread Monday mornings.
I felt sick to the stomach at the thought of going into work and facing Lincoln and Andrea, if she was there. But I had to go. Otherwise I’d be letting Ash down, and I didn’t want to be responsible for things imploding the moment he felt like he could take a break. Pulse was his baby, his entire future, and after the things he’d sacrificed for me, he deserved the best.
