Dear Aaron

by Mariana Zapata

  I hope you didn’t fall asleep reading that.

  My mom and her husband have been taking turns coming home on their lunch break to check on me. I swear she takes better care of me now than she did when I was little (before my heart thing). She’d make me go to school even if I had something contagious back then. You’ll be happy to know I made it through a grocery shopping trip and only felt like dying the last half of it.

  Pizzas and books. You got it. All romance. Lol.

  (I know you’re messing with me. I think you’d miss me for the rest of your deployment if I wasn’t around, see the subject line.)

  I guess the aircrafts don’t ever let you forget where you are, huh?

  I have some money saved. I’ve been reinvesting most of it into ads in magazines and a couple of websites, and more expensive materials to work on. If I needed money bad enough, I could ask my mom or oldest brother, Sebastian. They’d let me borrow it with only a few snarky comments. The rude parents I can handle, but my aunt with the bridal shop is a different story. I got a voice mail from her the day before yesterday that made me cry. I couldn’t tell my mom or my dad (his sister) because they would’ve lost it. She pretty much told me she was going to be broke this month because I hadn’t finished the dresses she needed. I feel bad, but it wasn’t like I got sick on purpose.

  I just thought about it, can’t you get malaria from mosquitoes?

  Have you heard from your friends lately?

  I want to ask about your leave, but since you haven’t brought it up again, I’m worried it didn’t work out.

  -Ruby

  P.S. I’m eating more. I’ve gained three pounds back.

  P.P.S While I’ve been busy coming back from the brink of death, I started signing up for this dating website. I haven’t hit publish on my profile, but I will soon. Baby steps.

  P.P.P.S. Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer this e-mail.

  From: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Date: February 14, 2009 4:17 a.m.

  To: RubyMars@mail.com

  Subject: We’ll go with that.

  Ruby,

  You know your heart is the most important part of your body, don’t you? I get why you didn’t want to tell me, but I’m not going to treat you any different. Mostly :] I get your family being overprotective even more now. Your grandma dying from a heart problem doesn’t help anything either. What kind of surgery did you have to fix it?

  Were you faking being sick when you were a kid and that’s why she made you go to school? Or did you genuinely feel bad?

  I got this feeling I’d miss your e-mails even if I wasn’t on deployment.

  No, you never forget where you are with Apaches flying overhead at all hours of the day.

  I hope you don’t have to ask them for money, but I’m glad you have people you can reach out to for it. About your aunt… didn’t you tell me that she used to make those wedding dresses herself? Why didn’t she work on them while you were sick? I don’t know anything about the dress industry, but I know if someone couldn’t come into work at my dad’s business, he would pitch in. Don’t let her get to you. It sounds like she made a bad decision and wants to blame you for it. She isn’t worth crying over, Ru. Some people you can never make happy no matter how hard you try.

  My first time in Iraq, they made us take anti-malaria pills that gave everybody messed-up dreams and constipation. Now they figured out it isn’t a big deal here, so we’re good. Mosquitoes are just annoying.

  Both my friends e-mail me once a week. Not as much as you do. It’s more of them just making sure I’m alive than wanting to talk. Not like our e-mails.

  If you think you’re eating enough, you probably still aren’t.

  What site did you sign up for? What’s your profile like?

  I haven’t heard anything more about my R&R leave again….

  -Aaron

  P.S. For real though, don’t cry over your aunt’s BS, all right? You didn’t do anything wrong.

  From: RubyMars@mail.com

  Date: February 15, 2009 10:55 p.m.

  To: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Subject: Friends

  Aaron,

  I know how important my heart is, smarty pants. Everyone else freaked out so much over the diagnosis, I couldn’t. Do you know what I mean? I’ll never forget hearing my mom crying in her bedroom or my older brother, Seb, blubbering to Jonathan (marine) about it in the kitchen while I eavesdropped. My dad flew to Houston right afterward, even though there wasn’t anything he could do about it. I felt so guilty over it. The surgery I had is a procedure called a catheter ablation. It’s with wires that are called catheters, with electrodes at the tip of each. They traveled through a vein into my heart and the electrodes emitted a radio wave that created heat and destroyed the extra tissue that caused the problems. I wasn’t even technically asleep during it, and I got to go home the next day. :) See? It wasn’t that bad.

  I didn’t fake being sick, thank you very much. That was both my brothers, lol. I was the good kid who never did that.

  For the record, I’d miss our e-mails too.

  I would rather chew my arm off than ask anyone for money, but I will if I have to. The last time I asked my older brother to let me borrow twenty bucks because I’d forgotten my wallet, he tried to tell me I’d borrowed thirty. I know he was just messing around, but that’s how all my family members are. They’ll tease me for it forever. It isn’t a hassle asking for favors. It’s just a pain in the butt.

  My aunt used to make all the dresses herself that weren’t from a catalogue. It was her who taught me the basics. I guess I just feel like I owe her or something. She used to be really nice, but she stopped being so nice when I was about ten or eleven for some reason. I know you’re right about how I shouldn’t let her bother me, and I know she could’ve handled that situation differently so that they could’ve gotten finished, but I can’t tell her that. She wouldn’t listen and I would just piss her off more. I’m dreading calling her back. I’m a little sensitive. I cry over all kinds of things. Just yesterday I watched a video about baby elephants and cried. You’ve even made me cry before. I just didn’t tell you.

  Constipation on top of already getting dehydrated back then? That sounds like a nightmare. At least you don’t have to take the medication anymore.

  Want me to start writing down what I eat everyday so it can pass your approval?

  ……(Chirping crickets.)

  I signed up for pairsmeet dot com. One of my friends has done the dating site game and said this one had the least amount of creepy guys. They ask a ton and a half of questions first, and I still haven’t gotten through them all. I got a free three-month trial. They ask things like how do you feel about kids, what’s your ideal date, put in order the traits most important to you… etc, etc. I’m kind of excited, but it might just be the caffeine I had today for the first time in weeks. There’s this free website another friend told me about… I don’t know about it though. It kind of seems sleazy.

  I hope you still manage to get to take your time off. :) I hate to seem nosey, but how many months do you have left on your deployment now? 3?

  -Ruby

  From: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Date: February 16, 2009 12:08 p.m.

  To: RubyMars@mail.com

  Subject: RE: Friends

  Ruby,

  Wires going to your heart that release heat and kills heart tissue, no big deal.

  I’m being sarcastic if you can’t tell. I’ll keep my mouth shut for now, but… I get it. You already have two brothers, you don’t need another one.

  Don’t let your aunt upset you or make you feel bad. You didn’t do anything wrong. If she doesn’t get that, it’s her fault.

  Send me a link of the baby elephant video. :] Don’t cry for me either, Ru. I can handle it all.

  Better constipation than diarrhea resembling a busted fire hydrant. Once, a lot of us got food poisoning from bad meat in the mess hall. Imagine all tho
se porta-potties being used to the max. You could smell them from a hundred feet away.

  I wouldn’t mind a list of what you eat… Have you gained more weight?

  Did you finish your profile? If you’re talking about the website I’m thinking of, don’t do it. Go to church. Volunteer at a hospital or an animal shelter or something. Don’t do that site.

  They’ve told me I can still take my leave, but this isn’t the first time they’ve told me it was going to happen and it didn’t. If one of the guys here has a wife and kids and can get the leave to see them, I’d rather be the one who stays. I don’t want to be that selfish. I don’t have anybody who cries when I’m not around. I’ll be home in less than three months. I’ll live.

  Are you feeling any better?

  -A

  P.S. A new picture of Ax is attached.

  From: RubyMars@mail.com

  Date: February 17, 2009 4:15 p.m.

  To: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Subject: Diarrhea like a trumpet

  Aaron,

  I don’t know what to tell you about my heart thing. So let’s settle on :) :) :). Thank you for caring. I promise I try to take care of myself. It’s rare I’ll get an arrhythmia in the future, but if it happens, they can fix it. I’ve lived so much of my life with everyone else making a big deal about it… making me worry and be more scared than I should have… making me double think everything I do.... I’m trying not to let it control me so much anymore. You should have heard my mom when I started taking aikido. Remember when I told you about how I’ve been to Disney a bunch of times with my family? For years I couldn’t get on hardly any of the rides because everyone worried. Even now, we go to take my niece and I only get on the little kid rides. I’ve always wanted to go skydiving, but I haven’t, for the same reason. I’ve built it up so much subconsciously that I’ve gotten scared to do things for the last ten-plus years that I think me as a kid wouldn’t have thought twice about.

  I’m sorry if I make you feel like my therapist. Let’s continue.

  My aunt is the biggest drama queen in the world. She genuinely kind of scares me, Aaron. My older sister and I think she’s bipolar. She left me a voice mail yesterday telling me she’ll “think” about giving me more work soon but she’s “really” upset with me. Honestly, I want to quit. I’ve wanted to quit for a long time now. I’m tired and her attitude bothers the hell out of me. I figure if I do quit, I can probably pick up more random work that I usually turn down to keep up with her projects. I’m going to think about it.

  Diarrhea? In a porta-pottie? No. Once, we were on vacation and we all got food poisoning. 8 people sharing two bathrooms. Never again. I almost threw up from the smell alone.

  Har har har. I’m back up six pounds. Still feeling like road kill and I have zero energy but better. I have a few ice-skating dresses I need to finish that I’m going to try and survive through. Wish me the best.

  No, still haven’t finished my online profile, but I will. What is with you and me going to church? Have you ever been to church? There’re no single guys there. I’m going to pretend I didn’t read your suggestion about volunteering at a shelter either. Now I know you’ve never done that before. Finding a decent guy is a lot harder than it seems. Half the time it feels like they’re all already in a relationship or they’re just scrubs or players. (No offense. You’re not a scrub or a player.)

  I’m sorry, Aaron. That blows you can’t leave, but it’s really admirable of you to be so selfless. Most folks wouldn’t. I’m sure the next months will go by fast at least. Do you have anyone picking you up when you land? Am I jumping the gun by asking? You said you wanted to go on vacation, did you have somewhere in mind?

  I’m feeling a lot better but still not anywhere near 100%. I pricked my finger ten times yesterday just sewing a few beads. That’s a record, and not a good one.

  I can’t stand how cute Ax is. Has anyone started the paperwork to get her to the States?

  -Ruby

  From: RubyMars@mail.com

  Date: February 17, 2009 11:50 p.m.

  To: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Subject: [no subject]

  Aaron,

  I’m sorry for bothering you, but I want to throw up and I don’t know who else to talk to.

  My mom told us all today that they found a lump in her breast and they’re going to do a biopsy. They think it might be cancer.

  I want to cry.

  That’s a lie. I’m crying right now.

  -R

  From: RubyMars@mail.com

  Date: February 18, 2009 3:15 p.m.

  To: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Subject: Sorry

  Aaron,

  I’m sorry about that e-mail last night. You have enough things to worry about, and I’m supposed to be here for you, not the other way around. You were just the first person I thought of to tell.

  Forgive me for crossing the line.

  -Ruby

  From: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Date: February 20, 2009 2:22 p.m.

  To: RubyMars@mail.com

  Subject: Stop

  Ruby,

  You didn’t cross any line. Don’t apologize. We’re past being pen pals. I thought we went over this already? :]

  I am so damn sorry about your mom. When are they doing the biopsy? Did she tell you out of the blue?

  I’m going to respond to your first message.

  No, I don’t have anybody coming to the base. It’s fine. I’m used to it. It’s funny you ask about a vacation because I just wrote back an e-mail about it. Max, Des, and I just started making plans last time I e-mailed to go to Scotland since I couldn’t get my RR. Max’s family is Scottish, and he’s been talking about going for years now; this deal popped up for a tour and he invited us to go along. His little sister, her friend, and another guy we all know are going too. The more people, the better the deal. Have you seen pictures of it or been there before? It looks amazing. We might stay at a beach house for a week after that in Florida, but it all depends if they can get the time off.

  Are you one of those people who gets offended if someone asks their weight? What are you up to now? Hope everything is going okay and you’re feeling even better.

  Why are you so against going to church? There’s got to be single guys you can meet there. Since you asked, it’s been a long time since the last time I’ve been to one. You’ve got to know I laughed at you writing “scrubs.” Haven’t heard that word since HS. I’d like to tell you you’re wrong about the guys being douches part, but… you aren’t. Some of the soldiers under me are all right, but the rest… I don’t know how they’ve made it to their twenties.

  Haven’t heard anything about Ax’s paperwork, but we should get on figuring it out. It’s tricky because we’re not supposed to take animals back with us, but I know I’ve told you other soldiers have done it.

  I’m really sorry about your mom again. Technology and medicine are improving…. And she has all of you to support her. You can’t expect the worst. I’ll be thinking of you all. Write me whenever you need. You’re past being shy with me, remember?

  -Aaron

  From: RubyMars@mail.com

  Date: February 21, 2009 12:58 a.m.

  To: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Subject: RE: Stop

  Aaron,

  You made me cry. I’ve been so much more emotional lately than usual, I didn’t think it was possible. Thank you for being so nice. I thought we were past being pen pals, but I didn’t want to assume how much I could share with you. I really enjoy talking to you. Like I said, you were the first person I thought of to write. (If my best friend or anyone else in my family ever saw me write that, they would kill me, so that’s something to think about.)

  The biopsy was done yesterday. They should have the results soon. Her husband and I went with her to get it done. She told me to stay home, but I wasn’t about to do that. It’s gotten all of us shaken up. We’re all so close, the id
ea of something happening to her…

  I’m crying just thinking about it, and I feel like a jerk complaining when I know you’ve lost friends. I’ve never lost anyone, so that might be why I’m being this way… but how the hell do you come back from that? I don’t understand how anyone could ever be okay with it. I’m a mess. I’m sorry. Everyone was over for dinner on Tuesday, which should have been a sign because she never invites the whole family over for food during the week, and we were eating at the table when my mom suddenly busts out with “They found an abnormality in my mammogram. I already went for blood work and now I have to get a biopsy,” all while eating lasagna like it was nothing. I don’t think it’s ever been so quiet at the dinner table before and something tells me it never will be again. Usually everyone but me is yelling over each other to talk, and it was completely silent.