The Rules of Supervillainy (The Supervillainy Saga Book 1)

by C. T. Phipps

  Instead, a hatch on the top of the vehicle popped open and a trio of figures exited onto its roof, one by one. The first was a muscle-bound soldier with cybernetic arms and more guns than a Sylvester Stallone movie.

  The second was an attractive but anorexic-looking woman wearing a bikini, a pair of swords on her back, and kinky boots. The third was either a robot or a man in a suit of armor, a Germanic iron cross emblazoned his chest.

  “Huh,” the woman said. “He’s still alive.”

  The guy in the suit of armor said with a metallic voice, “That’s easy enough to fix.”

  “Great, more comedians.” I was infuriated by their attitude.

  The hulking cyborg pulled out a massive gun, twice as big as an AK-47, and aimed it at me. His voice was low and gruff, like you’d expect a mercenary’s to be. “I guess this is going to be more interesting than I thought.”

  “Yeah. Cause murdering innocent people is oh so entertaining.”

  “Prepare to die scumbag,” the man with the assault rifle said.

  “Hold on!” I waved to him, pulling out my cellphone. “Assume I’m going to rat out my friends while I’m on the phone, which will give you more…people to kill, I guess. Before you kill me…which I’m hoping to avoid. Give me a second, though, so I can call them and give you someone to track down and kill.” All the while, I was trying to buy time to think of a way to kill them.

  “You might have rehearsed this better. Do you need any advice?”

  “How can you be so callous?” I asked without a trace of self-awareness.

  “A century of witnessing the worst crimes man has been capable of doing to one another,” Cloak said. “To be honest, though, I am behind any plan to deal with these people. Master Warren was against the taking of human life but it may save lives here.”

  “Thanks.”

  The Extreme, uniformly, looked confused by my actions.

  “Do we shoot him?” the woman said.

  The man in the armor shrugged. “I guess.”

  “Fire!” the cyborg cried, pointing.

  I took that moment to turn insubstantial and zoom underneath the pavement, temporarily putting me out of harm’s way. These tunnels were slightly larger than the earlier ones, and contained a maintenance tunnel large enough to walk down underneath a large section of pipes and electrical wires.

  Pulling out my cellphone and hitting the speed dial, I called Mandy. “Honey, are you there?”

  “Gary, are you all right?” Mandy asked, her voice wavering. “I’ve redirected Arthur Warren’s satellite to get a feed on the place. Goddess, did they destroy the bank?”

  “Yes, yes they did, and for once, I’m not lying to cover up my mistakes.”

  “I see,” Mandy said, her tone concerned but professional. “I’ve got Lancel Warren’s complete files on the Extreme. They’re a lot more detailed than Superpedia.”

  “Give me the info,” I said, comforted by my wife’s voice. “I don’t have much time before they start blowing up the pavement. I don’t suppose they have a secret vulnerability to water or something equally close by?”

  “I’m afraid real life doesn’t work like that,” Mandy whispered. “I’ll keep looking though.”

  “Tell me what you’ve got.”

  I thought about using my brief respite to run away. I didn’t want to. The Extreme’s actions made me so pissed off, I wanted to stay and make them pay. It wasn’t a smart attitude to have, especially given how many people got killed every year because they couldn’t put aside their personal feelings, but I couldn’t help how I felt.

  “The big one is Captain Disaster,” Mandy explained, speaking twice as fast as normal. “The woman with the swords is Ninjess. The third one is Iron Cross. They’re all that remains of the original team. It seems killing supervillains encourages the next ones to try harder.”

  “Killing all those people certainly increased my motivation.” I said into the phone, looking at the surrounding pipes and sewer water. “Give me a short rundown on what I’m fighting here.”

  “I’ll start with the woman. Ninjess is a genetically-modified super soldier with a pair of mystical blades which can shoot transdimensional energy across multiple spectrums of existence,” Mandy explained. “She can endure about any amount of damage.”

  “Can you repeat that in English?” I asked. I could already see tracer rounds being shot through the pavement above me. The Extreme weren’t wasting any time coming after me.

  “She’s tough and can hurt you. Be careful around those blades of hers,” Mandy said. “Iron Cross is a genetically-modified super soldier with a suit of armor that can fly, shoot transdimensional energy across multiple spectrums of existence, and endure about any amount of damage.”

  “I’m starting to notice a theme. I take it Captain Disaster is a genetically-modified super soldier who can shoot whatchamajiggers across whozits while enduring any amount of damage?”

  “No, but he’s telekinetic,” Mandy replied. “He can hurl objects weighing up to fifty tons at you.”

  Great, just what I needed, a guy who could throw trucks with his mind. “Do they have any weaknesses at all?”

  “They’re theatrical costumed heroes,” Mandy said, making the biggest redundancy since my name. “They like to make a big impression for the news crews. It comes with the fact they’re trying to prove they’re heroes. If you go in all big and bad, you might be able to get them to posture and pose instead of shooting you.”

  That was interesting. “Drama Queens, huh? I can use that.”

  “Plus, they’re normal humans aside from their equipment and modifications. You have to think past their defenses,” Mandy explained, her voice urgent. “That doesn’t mean they’re not extremely dangerous.”

  “Don’t worry.” I heard energy blasts firing into the ground above my head. If I didn’t move soon, the entire roof would collapse on top of me. “I’ve got a plan.”

  “Oh no,” Mandy and Cloak said simultaneously.

  Levitating, I conjured a ball of flames in my hand as I floated a foot in the air before lowering my voice to an animal-like tone. “Extreme, I’m going to tear your throats out! You psycho-killer disgrace to superheroes everywhere will end up decorating my wall with your hides!”

  “God, that’s awful. You need to work on your monologues,” Mandy spoke in my headpiece.

  “I’m better at banter,” I whispered. “They seem to be buying it, though.”

  “We’re not the psychos here.” Ninjess postured with a pair of katana like she was posing for a magazine cover. “You are.”

  “How the hell do you figure that!”

  “We’re heroes,” Ninjess said, unrepentant. “You’re a supervillain.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Maybe I am a supervillain. Maybe I do rob people. Maybe I break legs and kill anyone who gets in my way. Maybe…okay, I’m a bad example. However, I didn’t blow up a bank full of innocent people. I’m not toting around an arsenal of guns like its NRA Appreciation Day. I’m not the guy with a freaking Nazi in his group. A freaking Nazi! That trumps everything!”

  The guy in the metal armor said, “I’m not a Nazi. I’m a member of Fascists for a Non-Racist Future.”

  “Shut up!” I pointed at him, staring. “I feel stupider for having heard that.”

  I noticed it was suddenly very dark. Turning intangible, I managed to avoid having a car telekinetically dropped on my head by Captain Disaster.

  Levitating onto its roof, I stared at him. “Okay, that was just dirty pool.”

  Captain Disaster pointed at me. “Extreme, blast him!”

  Wow, I was dealing with a military mind equal to Patton. Of course, I still jumped to the side when Iron Cross and Ninjess aimed their weapons at me. Seconds later, the hood of the car detonated as weird green energy reduced it to little more than charred embers. Even intangible, I could feel the heat brushing against my skin.

  “Are they handing out those transdimensional thingies like candy, now
?” I said.

  “It’s a common enough modification for super weapon.” Cloak sounded bored. “You’d be surprised.”

  “Dammit!” I dodged around as the Extreme members continued firing at me. I threw a few fireballs at them but the flame harmlessly splattered against both. Ninjess’ skin was apparently invulnerable to flames, since it sure as hell wasn’t her clothing protecting her.

  “Run all you like, supervillain!” Captain Disaster shouted, firing his assault rifle for the hell of it. “The Extreme will go to any extreme to get their man!”

  “God, that’s even more redundant than my slogan,” I grumbled before leaping down into the sewer system below them. “Cloak, how much juice do I have left?”

  “Juice?”

  “Mojo! Energy! Whatever fuels my powers!” I snapped, waving my hands around. “I need to know how much more time I have before my powers give out.”

  “Oh. Thirty seconds.”

  “Goddammit.”

  “Twenty-eight.”

  The Extreme didn’t give me any time to think as they started blasting through the sewers to get at me. They were persistent, I’ll give them that.

  “Time to get creative,” I whispered.

  Levitating behind Captain Disaster, I grabbed the cyborg underneath the shoulders and continued on into the sky. The guy weighed over three hundred pounds with his cybernetic enhancements so I had to focus everything on thinking ‘up.’

  Captain Disaster laughed at me. “Do you think you can just lift me up into the sky and drop me? I’m telekinetic, you idiot.”

  “No,” I growled, sticking my intangible hand through his chest. My hand was holding my car keys. “I only wanted some alone time.”

  I was originally going to remove his heart like in a video game but decided they didn’t deserve such a dignified end. Sticking my keys in his heart, I pulled out my hand and let the keys materialize inside said organ. “Oops, lost my keys.”

  “How are they even supposed to get that?” Cloak asked.

  I blinked. “Okay, but he’s still dead.”

  Captain Disaster had but a moment to react before he choked on his own blood and died.

  “That was vicious. I’m not sure whether to be appalled or impressed.”

  “Pay evil unto evil.” I smiled “That’s my motto. That and ‘Goth girls are the best.’ I came up with that one after meeting Mandy.”

  I didn’t have time to say more because Iron Cross was in the air beside me within seconds.

  “Murderer!” Iron Cross screamed, his armor making him sound like he was talking into a microphone.

  “That’s only literally true!”

  The Not-Neo-Nazi proceeded to blast me in the face with his transdimensional whatever blasts, which felt like being hit with an industrial-strength taser. I wasn’t killed, thankfully, but my body went into convulsions.

  Falling from the sky, I struggled to regain control of my powers as I managed to turn intangible once more, landing with a thud against the interior floor of the Extreme’s armored vehicle. The place was filled with all manner of weird high-tech controls and a bizarre 1950s-esque living room with a flat screen on the wall.

  “I’m not dead,” I said, looking at my raw, burned hands.

  “Obviously,” Cloak said. “You do have limited invulnerability. Albeit, a few degrees higher and it wouldn’t have helped you much. I’m better at absorbing energy than ballistics.”

  “Gee thanks Mister Wizard,” I said. “How much juice do I have left?”

  “Ten seconds.”

  “Shit.”

  In the center of the room I noticed there was a periscope-like device with a pair of triggers built into its handles. Assuming it was the control for the vehicle’s main gun; I ran up to it and stared through it. There, I saw Iron Cross blasting away at the exterior of the vehicle. The Not-Neo-Nazi was looking very irritated at my escape, continuing to fire despite the fact I couldn’t even hear his blasts inside the transport’s thick armor. Taking aim with the periscope’s crosshairs, I pulled down on both triggers. A second later, Iron Cross disappeared in an explosion of flame and metal.

  “Two extremists down, one to go.”

  “Have you considered a less violent career?”

  “Why would I? It’s not the job I mind, it’s the working conditions.”

  That was when Ninjess slashed through the side of the vehicle with her katana, the side of it peeling open like a can opener. In seconds, she’d cut open a pyramid shaped hole large enough for her to walk through.

  “I’m going to kill you,” Ninjess called at me, tears streaming down her eyes. “Kill you and everyone you’ve ever loved!”

  “Meep.”

  “You were saying?”

  I made a run for the wall, hoping to pass through it. A second later, I was on the ground from smashing my head against the wall.

  “Oh, I’m out of power now. Sorry.”

  “I noticed!”

  The bikini-clad assassin advanced upon me, drawing her second sword as both started glowing with other dimensional energy. Yesterday, if you’d told me I was going to die at the hands of a crazed ninja supermodel, I would have told you there were worse ways to go. Now, experiencing it? I thought it was something to avoid.

  “Mandy, I want you to know I love you,” I breathed into the machine. “You were the best thing to ever happen to me and I’m sorry I got wrapped in all of this. It’s been a blast.”

  “Gary...” Mandy’s voice whispered.

  I closed my eyes, waiting to be impaled by the psychopathic superheroine. A second later, I heard the sound of a body hitting the floor. Opening one eye, I saw Cindy standing over Ninjess’s body with her ax buried between the cyborg’s shoulder blades. Cindy was covered in soot but looked none the worse for wear from being blown up. Somehow, she’d managed to hit a spot which wasn’t reinforced by subdermal armor.

  “You…bitch,” Ninjess said on the ground, trying to get back up.

  “Language! Kids look up to superheroes!” Cindy clobbered her again, and again, displaying a level of cartoon violence I would have found funny if not for my relief at her arrival.

  “Hey!” I told Mandy. “Good news! I’m not dead.”

  “I heard!” Mandy said, relieved. “Thank God. Listen, Gary, I need to talk to you about this whole supervillain thing. It’s not...”

  The cellphone cut out, the sound of static interrupting her. Picking up the cellphone, I tapped it a few times. “I need to get some better cellphone service. Cindy, it’s wonderful you’re alive.”

  Cindy leaned on the handle of the ax, grinning. “Turns out your whole spiel about leaving the bank was a good idea.”

  “Yeah. Those poor people. I’m going to catch such hell for this with the police.”

  “All that money, gone.” Cindy sniffled. “Such a senseless waste.”

  Smiling at Cindy’s priorities, I asked, “Is Diabloman all right?”

  Diabloman popped his head through the hole Ninjess made. “Yes, for the time being at least. While I am grateful for your sacrifice, you broke the first rule of supervillainy.”

  “Yeah. Don’t kill superheroes.” I stared down at Ninjess’ cold body. “I didn’t have much of a choice, though.”

  “That will not matter to the Society of Superheroes,” Diabloman said. “They depend on government support which means anti-heroes like the Extreme are accepted as auxiliary members due to political contacts.”

  “How bad is it?” I said. “The Extreme weren’t exemplars of their kind.”

  “Bad enough. Not all agree with Ultragod’s strictures against in-field executions and prohibition against collateral damage either.”

  “Great.”

  “I suggest you go to ground,” Diabloman said. “It will make less of a splash than the entire team being wiped out.”

  I leaned down and picked up Ninjess’ arm, checking her pulse. She was gone. While I leaned down, I saw the ax had buried itself into a group of live elec
trical wires in her spine, explaining why the attack had killed her. “I wouldn’t count on it.”

  Cindy hefted up her hammer, looking pleased with herself. “I think I’ve graduated from being a henchperson. I think I’d like to be known as Red Riding Hood.”

  Diabloman felt his head. “All three are dead? This is not good.”

  I walked out of the hole and threw up my hands. “Okay, I’ll head back to the Night Tower and get some equipment together. We’ll change our identities and start over as supervillains of a different stripe. Hopefully, everyone will lose interest in about a month. What’s the worst they could do? Send Ultragod after me?”

  That was when I heard a clap of thunder and saw the entire sky had clouded over, lightning bouncing around across the air as if it were caught in one of Nikola Tesla’s science experiments.

  Descending from the sky was an Olympian-proportioned African American man in a skin-tight white and gold outfit with a similarly colored golden cape flowing behind him. Otherworldly electricity moved through and around his body, circling his eyes especially. Unlike most superheroes, he wore no crests or symbols, but everyone in the world knew who he was.

  “Ultragod,” I said, awed. “The Lord of Light.”

  Ultragod was the greatest superhero on Earth. He was the leader of the Society of Superheroes. An inspiration for billions of people who had defeated gods, demigods, monsters, and dictators in the name of justice.

  Eighty years ago, an African American astronomer had stumbled upon a glowing meteorite during his studies and found out it contained the spirit of an alien god called the Ultra. Bonding with that entity, he’d gained unimaginable power to manipulate the cosmic energies of the universe which permeated everything. The rechristened Ultragod had an aura of energy called the Ultraforce which could protect him from virtually anything, and be manipulated to create any object he wanted. All of this was common knowledge, as was the fact those supervillains who went up against him lost.

  Every single time.

  I was fucked.

  “Merciless: the Supervillain without Mercy,” he said with a deep fatherly Keith David-esque voice. “We need to talk.”

  “Wow, you know my name and catchphrase,” I said, starstruck. “That’s flattering... and terrifying.”