Carry Your Heart

by K. Ryan

  "You alright, Iz?" he murmured into my ear.

  I pressed on a fake smile, but it quickly faded when I realized he was just going to see right through it. No, I wasn't alright and I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was that bothered me so much: the fact that Caleb was going to be putting himself in a potentially dangerous situation or the fact that he was leaving for an undetermined amount of time.

  Realizing that both of those things were troubling me, especially since I had no real reason for it, was probably what upset me the most.

  "Aw," Caleb was murmuring in my ear again and this time, I shivered. "You're gonna be lonesome when I'm gone, aren't ya?"

  His teasing eased a little of the tension and my lips twisted into a grin. I elbowed him in the side, making him scoot back with a yelp.

  "Nah," I threw back. "Miss you? Are you kidding me?"

  Caleb's hand covered his heart and he pretended to wince. "Ouch. That hurts me, Iz. That really hurts."

  "Whatever," I just shrugged.

  It was then that my eyes slid to my right and caught Lexie's curious smile. I quickly averted my gaze straight ahead only to collide right into Becca's sly smirk. Wasn't the emotional confusion enough tonight?

  "Well," Becca started, the knowing smile never quite leaving her eyes. "You guys are only gonna be gone for a few days, right? I mean, it's not like it's gonna be weeks or anything like that."

  "Nah," Caleb shook his head. "We're headed to Pittsburgh. Should just be a few days to get everything squared away. Same old shit as usual."

  "Oh, so that's not..." Becca trailed off, her eyes wide.

  Everyone at the table turned their heads to follow her gaze and I almost choked on my drink. Crowding into a corner across from us was Brandon and his band of assholes. He was teetering unsteadily on his feet and if that wasn't enough proof he was half in the bag, I could spot the glassy eyes a mile away.

  After how everything played out last night, it was only fair we both had the same idea to unwind with friends and a few beers, but Brandon wobbled like he'd had about 15.

  "Shit," I heard Caleb exhale next to me.

  Becca's face quickly crumbled. "Hey, Belle, we don't have to stay here. We could go somewhere else, right?"

  She looked frantically to everyone else at the table for confirmation. When a round of nods passed around, she visibly relaxed, but still kept her wide, almost desperate eyes fixed firmly on me. Becca was just trying to help, but seriously, her overblown reaction was definitely not helping the situation.

  "Nah," I swatted out a hand with a shrug. "We don't have to leave because we were here first. Besides, if we leave now, then the terrorists win, right?"

  After that last comment, Caleb's eyebrows lifted up deep into his forehead. Then the warmth of his hand grazed my back and his breath tickled my ear.

  "You sure, Iz?"

  I just nodded. There was no point in making a bigger deal out of this than it already was and ruining everyone's night.

  "Well," he continued softly. "I don't care about that asshole over there, but if you change your mind, just say the word, a'ight?"

  I could only nod in response, still reeling from all the turmoil flooding around me. The one-two-punch of Caleb leaving to Brandon's arrival sent me flying completely off-balance and so, I did the only thing I could do: I just took another drink from my glass and tried to pretend like none of this was happening.

  And for about 10 minutes, it worked. Conversations went back to normal and the situation seemed to be contained. Everyone was staying on their respective sides of the bar, even if Caleb's gaze flitted back and forth from me to Brandon for the better part of our peaceful quiet.

  Everything was, for the most part, back to the way it'd been before our interruption until Brandon decided to saunter towards our table, swirling beer in hand.

  Caleb swiveled his body to put himself directly in front of me and the second Brandon skidded to a stop three feet from our table, all three Horsemen cuts stood a little straighter, ready to strike if necessary.

  "Hey everybody," Brandon slurred, waving his beer around as he spoke. "Just wanted to come over and say hello. Thanks, Isabelle, for doin' the same."

  Caleb tensed next to me and made a move towards him, but my hand shot out to his bicep to stop him.

  "Caleb, don't. It's not worth it."

  Even though Caleb backed down and was leaning towards me now, Brandon just snorted and took a step closer to our table with an unstable sway that had Caleb shifting uncomfortably next to me.

  "Right," Brandon laughed mirthlessly, gesturing towards us with the neck of his beer bottle. "Slummin' it just like I knew you would, Isabelle. I don't think Mommy would be too happy to know her precious little princess ditched Duke to come back here and play biker whore for this asshole—"

  He didn't get a chance to finish because Caleb was already shoving past Eli, knocking over some glasses and nearly our entire table, and slammed his fist squarely into Brandon's already slack jaw. Within seconds, Caleb had Brandon flat on his back and landed a few more furious punches before Dominic and Eli pulled him off Brandon's limp body.

  "Jesus Christ!" Dominic yelled. "What the hell are you thinkin'?"

  Caleb yanked himself free just as the bartender jumped over the bar, screaming at us to get the hell out. Everything was a blur as Becca dragged me towards the door. I didn't even realize I was outside until the cool breeze picked up the edges of my hair and blew it around my face.

  Caleb stumbled out next to me with Dominic, Eli, and Lexie right on his heels and he was digging into his back pocket before he was even completely out the door. But by the time he'd lit the cigarette and taken a few unhealthy drags, his cloudy eyes lifted from the cement and slammed right into mine.

  He blinked once, his eyes widening, and as his cigarette sailed to the cement, he muttered, "Shit."

  "Let's get the hell outta here before this gets worse," Dominic barked out, his eyes trained furiously on Caleb. "Lex, follow us back to the clubhouse, alright?"

  Lexie nodded quickly and I quietly slid into the backseat of Lexie's Oldsmobile as Becca got into the front seat. Motorcycle engines roared to life next to us and I could see Caleb's shoulders rising and falling violently through the dim parking lot lights. As Lexie pulled onto the street to follow the three bikes ahead of us, I had no idea how to process what had just happened and why it happened.

  I was still trying to make sense of the bitter, cruel things Brandon had said to me—let alone Caleb's response to it. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion and in a blur at the same time. All I saw was a flash of black leather and then there was just a crescendo of breaking glass and shouting.

  Even though I was grateful for the complete silence on the way to the clubhouse, it still wasn't enough to wrap my head around the last 20 minutes.

  But the most frightening moment of the night came as I passed Caleb on the way inside.

  He was hunched over on his bike with one hand in his hair, the other resting on the handlebars as Dominic approached him. As if he sensed my presence, he tugged his sullen gaze up from the pavement and met me head-on. The pull of his eyes, of his presence, almost had my knees buckling from the pressure. I wanted to leap into his arms and wrap every limb around his body and that was absolutely terrifying.

  Completely paralyzing.

  Out of self-preservation or fear, maybe even both, I just kept my head down and continued towards the clubhouse, shaking off the fact that Caleb's eyes never left me.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Denial

  Caleb

  I blew out a shaky breath as Isabelle headed inside the clubhouse. Well, at least I could finally have that damned cigarette now. I shifted on my seat to dig for my pack again, and my mind grasping at straws to figure out how everything spun so disastrously out of control tonight. Everything was going fine. Same old, same old for a Friday night.

  And it wasn't until that dickhead decided to show his face and spout his
mouth off at the one person who didn't deserve it that I completely lost my shit. It would be easy to blame everything that had gone down solely on Davis, but I knew better.

  That was the key here. I knew better.

  But it felt so good to finally give that asshole what was coming to him—a couple of times. I clenched my sore knuckles...at least I hadn't broken anything. Still, the payoff of finally getting to pummel the hell out of Davis wasn't high enough to counter the disappointment. I was just so damned disappointed in myself for letting this happen in front of Isabelle.

  I didn't wanted this and I certainly didn't want her to have to take the verbal abuse Davis dished out at her. As far as I was concerned, it was a no-win situation. At least I'd gotten to sucker punch Davis right in the jaw for being such a goddamned insensitive prick. I wasn't entirely sure which comment pissed me off more: the one about Isabelle slumming it as my biker whore or the one about her being her mom's precious little princess. Both were equally callous and mean as hell, especially considering the target.

  "Bro," Dom was murmuring lowly to jerk me out of my thoughts. "What the hell happened back there?"

  I just shook my head with a shrug. "I don't know, Dom."

  "What do you mean you don't know? That's bullshit and you know it," he shot back, his forehead creasing with concern.

  "I don't know, bro," I sighed heavily and pushed back on my bike. "You know me and him have always had a beef."

  Dom's eyebrows rose. "That wasn't about some old high school beef back there."

  I lit a cigarette and took a few healthy drags before feeling like I could finally answer my best friend. "I guess I just couldn't sit there and let him say all that shit to her."

  Dom nodded slowly and ran a hand over his face. "So that's what this is about then?"

  "Maybe."

  Dom pushed out half a laugh and a smile tugged at his bearded lips. "You know, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Everything with Lexie and the baby's got me side-tracked a little but..."

  "What's your question, Dom?"

  Or better yet, just spit it the hell out already.

  "I don't know," he scratched the back of his head. "It just seems like you and her are always together at the clubhouse. Some people think you guys are hooking up or something."

  I frowned. I definitely didn't like where this was heading. "Who's some people?"

  "Does that mean you are?" Dom's lips twisted into a knowing grin and I had the sudden urge to bitch slap it right off.

  "Damn gossip around this place is worse than a bunch of women," I spat back.

  "So," he mused, crinkling his forehead like he just didn't understand. "You're not hooking up with Isabelle then."

  "No, I'm not," I shot back, spiking the spent cherry between my fingers down to the pavement in frustration.

  Dom paused for a moment, like he was trying to think of the best way to word his next comment.

  "Do you want to?"

  "Jesus Christ," I shook my head.

  "Okay, okay," he held up his hands in defense. "You don't have to get so pissy, bro. I'm just tryin' to figure out what the hell is goin' on with you and her because...well, something is."

  "She's my friend," I pushed out curtly.

  When Dom's eyebrows flew into his forehead, I cursed under my breath.

  "Yes," I clarified. "I said, friend."

  "Just wanted to be sure. I feel like I don't know what's goin' on with you half the time anymore," Dom shrugged. "So, what, you guys talk during your shifts or somethin'?"

  "Yeah, somethin' like that. I don't know, Dom. I guess I can't explain it."

  He nodded soberly and shoved his hands into his front pockets. "You and her aren't entirely out of the realm of possibility though, you know? And you're different when you're around her too—you're a little calmer...happier, kinda like how you used to be before...ah, it's shot to hell now, considering what you pulled tonight. But, I mean, you guys have left the bar and the clubhouse together before and you're together at work all the time. You've really never thought about it? Not even once?"

  "It's complicated, Dom."

  "So un-complicate it."

  He said it so simply like that was the only possible answer when Dom didn't even know the half of it. Even though the timing of this conversation really sucked, it was one I'd been meaning to have with him anyways.

  "Look," I started hoarsely. "I'm only tellin' you this because I need you to know in case somethin' happens when I'm gone on the run. And you can't say a word to Iz or anyone else about this unless somethin' happens, alright?"

  "Okay," Dom nodded, mirroring the serious turn this conversation had taken.

  I sighed and tugged a hand roughly through my hair. It was now or never and even though Isabelle would probably kill me for this, I needed some sort of provision in place while I was gone in case she needed help. If I couldn't be the one to help her, Dom was the only other person I trusted with the job.

  "I've been helpin' Isabelle with her dad. That's where we go whenever we leave together. Her dad usually calls her from some dive around town, drunk off his ass, and then we go pick him up and bring him back to their house. I usually stay until I'm sure she'll be alright there by herself with him."

  "Damn," Dom exhaled.

  "Yeah," I nodded tightly. "Look, I'm gonna give her your number so she can call you if she needs some help when I'm gone, alright? But don't say anything to her about it. She's probably gonna try to smother me in my sleep for tellin' you all this and the last thing I need is for her to freeze me out now."

  "Alright," Dom nodded in understanding and I could see the wheels in my best friend's head turning. "Yeah, I can do that. No problem."

  "Thanks, bro."

  Dom's forehead creased again in thought. "Can I just ask—and you can punch me later—but are you sure there's nothing else there? I mean, this isn't the kind of thing you just do for a friend. And I don't wanna sound like a chick or anything, but I don't know, brother, I don't see too many guys throwin' punches over a girl that doesn't mean anything to them."

  I bristled a little at that and shifted to the defensive, tugging another hand through my hair. "She's just a friend, alright? I guess if I'm being completely honest, aside from you? She's probably the best friend I've ever had."

  "Come on," Dom pressed, gesturing to himself. "You're not lumpin' her in with me, right? We're not really comparing apples to apples here."

  "Fine," I conceded. "Maybe it's not the same, but that doesn't mean I'd try anything stupid with her though. I've got too much shit to straighten out right now to do anything but mess her up too and I'm not gonna do that to her. Someone like her, Dom? She deserves better than what I have to offer her right now."

  My best friend was silent for a few moments, turning to look towards the clubhouse in thought. When he finally spoke, his simple, quiet words pretty much guaranteed me a sleepless night:

  "Maybe not now, bro, but when you do pull yourself together, I think you're gonna need to revisit that."

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  here is the deepest secret no one knows

  Isabelle

  I trudged down the stairs, with Caleb right behind me, and headed back down to the living room. My dad was stone-cold in his bed, which was probably the best I could hope for when it came to him. About an hour after the gunslinging showdown at the bar tonight, I'd gotten the call. It was almost like clockwork at this point.

  All it had taken was a quick, inconspicuous text to Caleb and we were headed out to the fine Claremont establishment, The Sundown Saloon. There'd been no resistance from my dad tonight either, which just made things as easy as they could possibly be. After the night Caleb and I had both had, it was a relief to just plop down on the couch and completely zone out.

  "You don't have to leave, you know," I murmured over my shoulder. I jumped a little when his hands grazed over my shoulders, but I still couldn't turn to face him.

  "Alright," he replied gently.

>   "Movie?"

  "Sure. You pick."

  He followed me into the living room and I heard him drop down heavily on the couch. He probably looked as tired as he sounded, but I just couldn't bring myself to turn around and look. Facing him now meant facing everything that might be better left unsaid and I wasn't ready to do that until I absolutely had to.

  So, like the coward I was, I sat down cross-legged on the carpet with my back to him. Grateful for the welcome distraction, my weary eyes scanned the rows of DVDs and blurays until my lips curled up in a smile.

  Yep, that one was the perfect choice, especially given the current company, and I shifted a little so I could hold up the DVD box for him to see.

  "What about this one?"

  Caleb, who was lounging on the couch now with one arm strewn over the top edge, frowned as he tried to place the title.

  "You don't remember this movie, do you?" I continued, biting back a smile.

  His forehead crinkled and his lips curled back into a deeper, more confused frown. "No. Should I?"

  "We watched it in American Lit class our senior year," I chuckled and chucked the copy of The Crucible at him for a closer look.

  I had to smother a laugh as he examined the cover with escalating, albeit comical, bewilderment.

  "Uh, I guess that chick looks sorta familiar," he finally exhaled.

  That only made this all the more entertaining.

  "You really don't remember this movie? Well, actually, I think we read the play first, then we watched the movie. We had to write a big paper on it and everything," I grinned back at him.

  "Yeah, uh, I think I probably slept through the whole thing," he admitted sheepishly.

  I cocked an eyebrow at him. "What do you mean probably?"

  "Okay, fine. I absolutely slept through the whole thing."

  "Yeah, I figured that, but I think it's fair to say you slept through the whole semester," I laughed. "Why were you even in that class anyways?"