Carry Your Heart

by K. Ryan

  My hands dug into his back as our hips moved into that easy rhythm we'd found weeks ago and his hands lifted my hips up to hit the spot he knew so well by now. Every touch, every rock of his hips, every moment sent me further over the edge and I just wanted to savor this, to burn it into my memory so I could remember this feeling.

  His movements were gentle and cautious like he was worried if he went too fast, I might disappear right from underneath him. And when we came down and rested shoulder to shoulder, I knew this particular moment would forever be one of my favorite memories with him.

  Because in spite of everything we were about to face, in spite of everything we had already faced, he never ceased to show me just how much he loved me and this time, he'd told me everything I needed to know.

  I shifted a little so that my head was resting on my elbow and grinned down at him. "So was that as horrible as you thought it would be?"

  Caleb barked out a laugh and playfully yanked me against his bare, still sweaty chest. "Watch it, babe. Seriously, I think you must have some secret plans to kill me or somethin'."

  Nuzzling into his neck, I nibbled his earlobe just enough to make him groan.

  "I was right," he growled. "You really are tryin' to kill me, woman."

  "Maybe I'm just trying to get as much of you as I can," I whispered into his ear.

  Caleb sighed and turned his head so he could press a tender kiss into my forehead. "I'm not going anywhere, Iz. And I think you did a pretty good job of telling me you're not going anywhere either, babe."

  "I know," I played with the edge of his comforter to distract myself. "Do you think maybe we could just stay here like this forever? I think I could lay here with you and never move from this spot for the rest of my life and be perfectly okay with that."

  He chuckled into my hair and pulled me even tighter against his chest. "I know what you mean, babe. I don't think it's really hit me yet, you know? I guess it just seems like tomorrow we're gonna wake up and keep doing all the things we've been doing."

  "I guess it's hard to accept that things are gonna change. I mean, I know you love me and I know you know I love you, but we can't pretend the distance isn't going to matter because it is, Caleb."

  "Hey," he stiffened beside me and his voice took on a sharp edge now. "I don't wanna hear that shit from you, Iz. We've been over this already and it's gonna be hard, but you and me are gonna be fine."

  A second later, he sighed again and scrubbed his free hand over his face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

  "I know, baby," I replied simply, his outburst already forgotten.

  We were both on edge, which was crazy given the way we'd just expended some serious frustrated energy, and I guess I couldn't blame him for not being able to hold it in anymore.

  There was really no point in arguing, especially not tonight when what we really needed to do was just wrap our arms around each other for as long as time let us.

  I never should've brought it up tonight in the first place and maybe he was right, anyways. Maybe all of my pre-existing notions about how long-distance relationships worked—or didn't work—didn't apply to us. Maybe all this worry and hand-wringing was just wasted time and effort. Maybe I was just jumping the gun in assuming that our relationship would suffer because of this.

  After all, we loved each other, I reasoned as I let my fingers lightly trace over the compass tattooed on his forearm. So, shouldn't we be able to withstand anything that life threw our way?

  . . .

  I trudged up the stairs towards my new dorm and barely got the heavy metal door open long enough to pass through. Caleb's tattooed arm shot out to hold it open from behind me, even though he was already balancing one of my boxes in his other hand and I sent him an appreciative glance over my shoulder as we started down the hallway towards my new room. Because I was only on the second floor, we'd decided to ignore the elevator, which, in hindsight, was a bad choice.

  My heart pounded with dread as we approached room 207 and I could already feel tears stinging my eyes as Caleb stood beside me at the doorway with the box in his hands. With the way things were already going, I didn't think I'd be able to make it through the whole day without breaking down.

  I'd promised myself I wouldn't cry until after he left, but now it didn't seem like I was going to find the strength to hold myself together because my bottom lip was already quivering.

  I rapped on the door, checking to see if my new roommate was here, and slid the key in the door to push it open. The room was exactly what I'd expected. Boring, monotonous furniture. Cramped living space. Awesome.

  "Shit," Caleb exhaled behind me. "Are college dorms supposed to be this small?"

  "It's pretty much the same size as the one I lived in freshman year at Duke," I just shrugged and set the box in my hands next to the empty bed.

  I didn't really know the story of why this room was open or what had happened to my new roommate's old roommate, but in the grand scheme of things, it didn't really matter. What mattered now was that my new roommate wasn't here, so Caleb and I would be able to move me in and say goodbye without an audience.

  Caleb had already set the box on the bed and perched his hands on his hips as he surveyed the tiny square of a room.

  "That's an awfully small bed, Iz," he muttered under his breath.

  I smiled in spite of myself and wrapped an arm around his waist. "We've maneuvered around a twin bed before, so I'm sure we'll be able to figure it out again."

  "Well, I'm always up for a challenge," he cocked an eyebrow down at me. "You know, I already got it figured out. That bed's clearly not big enough for the both of us, so I guess you're just gonna have to sleep on top of me when I'm here."

  "Wow, that sure didn't take long," I laughed.

  "Funny how you didn't say one word about the sleepin' on top of me part. Guess that means you're lookin' forward to it, huh?"

  "Jackass," I muttered under my breath, even as my lips curved up into a grin.

  For a moment there, he'd almost gotten my mind completely off the real matter at hand. And then, when I realized all those boxes were still stowed away in the back of his truck, reality crept back in.

  "Well, Iz," he smiled, his lips curving up to let me know, without him having to say it, that he loved me. "I guess we'd better head down for trip number two."

  About a half hour later, the last of my boxes and duffel bags were sitting in my new dorm room. We still hadn't seen my new roommate, but that was just fine. Time was running away from us and all I wanted to do was hold on to him a little bit longer.

  Sooner or later, Caleb was going to have to get back in his truck and drive the five hours back to Claremont without me. While I knew I'd see him the next weekend—I'd be taking a train home so I could drive my car back to school—the thought of him driving away and leaving me here nearly had me plummeting over the edge.

  "So," Caleb was saying now. "Everything's all here. Should we grab somethin' to eat? Did you still wanna show me the art building?"

  Yes. Yes. Absolutely.

  Anything to keep him here a little bit longer, but I couldn't say that because it really wouldn't do either of us any good. The only option I had was just to savor what little time we had left before having to separate for an entire week. I knew seven days wasn't that long, but God, it would be. It absolutely would be.

  So, because my thoughts were betraying bitches right now, I just nodded and gestured with my head toward the door.

  We left the dorm hand in hand and rounded the corner of the hallway. This was the only time I think I'd ever seen him without his Horsemen cut when he wasn't working at the shop, but I was grateful he'd left it in his truck today.

  On top of everything else, any unnecessary attention would just be extra stress we didn't need and he was technically still representing the club with his white Horsemen T-shirt. Seeing him in his cut today would've probably been too much for me to handle anyways because it would just be one more reminder of what I w
as leaving behind. Not the club—just him. Everything he was. Everything he needed to do and be a part of in Claremont and a tiny, unspoken part of me wondered if I'd even be around to see it.

  Those kind of thoughts were what my dad would call, "the devil's argument", not like he had too much of a say anymore in my life anyways. We'd barely spoken during the two months he'd been in rehab and he still had one more month to survive. He seemed to be doing well, but what scared me was what would happen when he was released, on his own, and without me around to look out for him.

  Caleb would do it if I asked, but the two of them were like oil and water—they'd just never be able to mix.

  We found a restaurant almost immediately after crossing the street from campus. With VCU located right in the heart of the city, you could basically turn a corner and find something you were looking for, whether it was food, entertainment, or shopping, but that wasn't why I was here.

  After eating a quiet lunch and making small talk about anything to keep our minds off the inevitable, Caleb quickly paid the bill and then we were heading back towards campus. I'd actually never really been on campus before and had just seen it from pictures online, so I knew there should be some part of me jumping with joy to finally take it all in.

  That part of me was smothered and snuffed out by the other part of me screaming its head off.

  Still, we found the art building relatively quickly and snuck inside to get a better look at where I would be spending the majority of my time. There were studios and classrooms to spare with student work expertly on display throughout the entire building. Modern architecture oozed from every seam in the wall and I knew that an art student, or really any student, would be foaming at the mouth to get to spend any amount of time here in this building.

  I wanted to be grateful Caleb was here this first time, but I just wanted to curl into his shoulder and finally let the dam break loose.

  When we started the short trek from the art building back to my dorm, my feet dragged and crawled, doing everything they could to stall by the time we trudged up the steps back to my floor. The tightening in my chest felt like someone was literally reaching inside and squeezing the life out of my heart.

  And when room 207 came into view, my shoulders began to tremble.

  Caleb's hands settled gently over my shoulders, ever in-tune with my emotions, and it took all of my strength not to just crumble right there under his touch. It was already past 5:00 and he still had a five-hour drive back to Claremont, which meant he'd have to leave soon and I'd be here...alone and without him.

  With a heavy heart, I put my key back in the lock and pushed the door open. As we started back inside, I jumped a little, startled to see someone else in the room. A short girl with wild, pixie-like dark hair turned from where she sat at her desk and then a wide, welcoming smile spread across her cute face.

  "Hey!" my roommate greeted us happily and stood up from her chair to close the distance between us. "You must be Isabelle! I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier, but I had to work," she stepped closer with her hand extended. "I'm Gwen. It's so great to finally meet you!"

  Her cheerfulness instinctively set me on edge. It wasn't her fault, but this was just not cool because right now, happy people were assholes.

  "Hi..." I replied finally. "It's nice to finally meet you, too."

  I gestured towards Caleb and if I'd been in a better mood, I would've laughed when Gwen's eyes widened the size of saucers when she got a good look at him. But I wasn't in a better mood. I was in a shit mood and so I mumbled, "This is Caleb, my boyfriend."

  Boyfriend wasn't the right term for what he was to me, but in this circumstance, it was the easiest explanation I could give. He didn't waste the opportunity and hitched an arm securely around my waist to pull me flush against him, reaching out to shake Gwen's waiting hand.

  "Nice to meet ya, darlin'," he winked at her and Gwen faltered a little, looking short of breath and high on my boyfriend.

  I would've rolled my eyes at this entire ridiculous exchange if I wasn't already on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Thankfully, Gwen seemed to sense the shift in the air and she quickly turned on her heel to grab her bag and her jacket from the chair at her desk.

  "I'll just, uh, grab some food so you guys can, um...I'll see you later, okay, Isabelle?" Gwen waved a little as she stepped around us to head out the door, graciously closing it behind her.

  "Well," Caleb called out softly. "She seems nice, huh?"

  I rolled my eyes. "I think she's in love with you already."

  Caleb playfully tilted his head and rocked back on his heels. "Isn't everybody, Iz?"

  I knew what he was trying to do, but it wasn't working. That stiff hold around my heart tightened into a vice-like grip and I had to sink down on the bed because I just couldn't handle it anymore.

  Caleb dipped down next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I shifted in his arms so I could bury my face in his neck and then both his arms closed around me, reassuring me that, once again, everything was going to be okay.

  "I should probably get goin', babe," he murmured in my hair. "I don't want to but..."

  "I know," I nodded into his skin and then the dam broke, releasing every tear I'd been holding in since the moment we pulled out of the parking lot this morning.

  My shoulders were shaking now and his fingers tangled in my hair, gently massaging my head in a vain attempt to ease some of this tension. But I knew that it wasn't going to get better. It was only going to get worse the second he left this room.

  "Iz," Caleb murmured gently. "I don't want anybody but you—you know that, right?"

  Because my voice failed me, I just nodded.

  He pulled my face out from his neck with gentle, tender movements and brushed some stray hair away from my face. "I'm so damned proud of you I can barely see straight. I can't wait to go to those things where they show all your work—what are they called?"

  "Gallery openings?" I offered with a weak laugh.

  "Yeah, those things. I'll be the first one in line and then I'll be standin' there braggin' about how I knew you before you got all rich and famous and how I get to take you home at night, too."

  I laughed through my tears, trembling a little when his thumbs brushed away another fresh stream.

  "This is absolutely the right choice, Iz," he told me firmly, both of his hands closing around my face to reiterate his point. "This is where you need to be and I don't want you to waste a second of your time here regretting it. It's just two years, Iz. We can live with anything for two years. We're good, babe. We always have been and we always will be."

  His words just sent another shock wave of sobs through my body.

  "I really love you," I whispered.

  "I love you too, Iz."

  He eased back just enough to brush his lips against my forehead and then shifted a little to dig into his back pocket. A piece of folded paper materialized in his hand and he passed it to me with a sad smile.

  "Don't open it until I'm gone, okay?" he instructed, his voice soft and hoarse. "I guess I just wanted to give you something you could keep here in your room."

  My fingers itched to unfold the thin paper, but I could give him this. I didn't think I'd be able to survive opening his note and watching him leave all in the span of a few minutes either.

  He leaned down to brush his lips against my fingertips and then he rose from the bed. With my chest heaving, dangerously teetering on the edge of an all-out breakdown, I reached out for him again, desperate to keep him here a little longer.

  "Iz," he whispered hoarsely, his nostrils flaring like he was struggling to stay strong, struggling to keep himself together. "I should get going."

  Somehow my weak, shaky legs carried me all the way to the door. When he turned back to me, I flung into his arms and buried my face in his chest. He kissed my hair, my forehead, both cheeks, and finally my lips before gently pulling back, his heartbroken blue eyes shining with moisture.

  "I l
ove you," he whispered, holding my face with both hands.

  My tears almost choked the words. "I love you too."

  He kissed me one last time before opening my door and walking out into the hallway. When he pivoted back around to face me, his eyes were red, his chest was heaving, his beautiful face twisted with agony like he was about to break down right in front of me. He scrubbed a hand over his face and then yanked me to him one last time as I buried my face in his chest.

  Finally, he stepped away and his lips spread in what was more of a grimace than a grin, his eyes shimmering with heartache and grief.

  "See ya next weekend," he called out hoarsely. "Call me whenever you want, alright, Iz?"

  I could only nod as he backpedalled down the hallway, our hands still intertwined until his fingers slipped away and my hand fell down at my side. With the rest of me helpless, I wiped away another stray tear from my cheek as I watched the only boy I'd ever really loved stalk down the hallway and push through the doors.

  Remembering the paper still clenched in my fist, I quickly shut the door behind me and leaned against it to squeeze out another wave of tears from my eyes. It was only by some miracle that I was able to wait long enough to flop down on the bed before my fingers nimbly unfolded the paper Caleb had given me.

  My eyes skimmed over the page and my free hand slapped over my mouth as my shoulders shook with sobs. There was just no choking it back any longer.

  The page, with its rough edges and fraying on one side, had clearly been ripped out from a book, but it was the words themselves that broke down the little strength I had left.

  The eloquent words of ee cummings' "i carry your heart [i carry it with me]" stared back at me and it took my brain a second to catch up to what my eyes were seeing. Next to the poem, Caleb had scrawled in his familiar chicken scratches: Iz, I hope you're not mad I defaced a book, but I had to do it. This guy says everything I'm feeling better than I ever could. Love you, Caleb.