Orphans of War

by Leah Fleming

She penned a brief note to Gloria and asked if she and Grace might be permitted to visit him in hospital. The reply, when it came, was equally terse, just the address and ward number of the local hospital, and that it was too soon for visitors. There was no mention of his progress.

  Maddy replied saying she’d be in Harrogate and intended to go to the hospital. On the day of her intended visit, she dressed with care, not as a former mannequin but as a country lady in a dogtooth-checked suit and Hèrmes scarf. Grace was too busy to be spared, but they’d known that all along. This visit would be combined with shopping for provisions for Brooklyn Hall and extra sheets from the linen shop in Harrogate.

  Her heart was thumping as she drove the Morris Traveller estate over the Pennines across Blubberhouses to Harrogate and the hospital.

  This was all new territory to Maddy, the outskirts of town was Gloria’s area. She knew visiting hours were strict, so it was important to be on time. The thought of coming face to face again with Gloria made her nervous, on top of worrying about Greg. What if he was unconscious, paralysed or worse? What if he didn’t want to see her?

  Gloria was waiting in the hospital entrance, white-faced in a smart suit and hat, but her make-up couldn’t disguise pinched cheeks. There was a hunted wary look on her face when she saw Maddy had come alone.

  ‘How is he? I’m not too late?’ Maddy asked. ‘What happened?’

  ‘He’ll live–but it’s going to be a slow job. He smashed his pelvis and his leg. He might have to lose it but I’m afraid he’s not fit to see anyone yet. Only family, of course.’ She didn’t look at Maddy as she spoke. Not a good start, but Maddy ignored the comment.

  ‘But I’m an old friend. It might cheer him up to see another face.’

  ‘So, you know better than the doctors then, do you?’ Gloria snapped.

  ‘You must be so worried and so tired, how is the little one coping?’ said Maddy. Time to try a different tack.

  ‘She’s with the Aftons and not allowed to visit. Rules is rules. Perhaps it’s for the best. Bebe will only get upset when she sees him all plastered up.’

  ‘Is there anything I can do to help? I’m going to the shops later.’

  ‘Can’t keep away from the shops?’ There was a hard edge to Gloria’s comment.

  ‘Nothing like that. Just sheets for the hostel.’

  ‘So you’re Little Miss Plum now, ministering to the needy. We read it in the papers. Charity begins at home, I say. You look well on it. Filled out a bit since I last saw you…’

  ‘Gloria! It’s not like that at all–we’re only trying to help. Plum sends her love, by the way. I rang to tell her and she will write to Greg once we have his address. How did it happen…you haven’t said?’ Maddy was determined to find out more. ‘If I can’t visit let’s go and have a cup of tea, we need to talk,’ she said.

  Gloria pointed to her blue car, climbed into the Triumph. ‘Follow me,’ she ordered, and they drove out to a tearoom near Ripley, parking side by side.

  Maddy knew that this was about as close as she was going to get to seeing Greg now, and her heart sank. All this way for nothing, but she would glean as much news as she could and write to him. Gloria couldn’t stop a letter.

  They sat down like two matrons, removing gloves, eyeing each other up like strangers.

  ‘Well, what really happened?’ Maddy said. It was time for talking straight.

  ‘We had a bit of a tiff. He drove off and hit this deer, rolled over and got trapped. It was late but Greg was always the lucky one. Some farmer came past and saw the mess and they got him out and over here quickly. He saved his life, but I never thought Bambi would make so much mess. You know how he likes to drive like a man possessed. He told everyone he was practising for the RAC Rally, but that’s not true.’

  They circled around each other, eyeing each other up over the tea cups.

  ‘If there’s anything I can do…I only want to help.’

  ‘Oh, I know your game. You still fancy him, don’t you? I saw you at the Festival, all over him like a rash. Have you no pride?’

  Maddy flushed. ‘What I feel or felt is none of your business. You didn’t hesitate to jump into my shoes, did you? You were the one keen for me to let him go. One guess why. Can’t I even be a friend to Greg now? What harm is there in that?’

  ‘I’m…’ Gloria hesitated, ‘…just jealous. You have a part of him I can never share. We’ve not been getting on lately…it’s my fault. I let him down. There, are you satisfied? There’s the truth of it. You know how he is when he gets mad; he takes out on the road. I drove him to it. Greg’s a strait-laced bloke, straight up and down, black or white. He sees things his way. He likes his women high on a pedestal like porcelain vases, unblemished, no cracks and faults. I did summat stupid, like you did…but with photos. Greg found a calendar with me on it and he went mad. I got given what I gave you. I know that now: what comes round goes round, Maddy. Now it’s my turn. I made a right mess of everything but I’m going to make it right again and I don’t want you interfering.’

  They eyed each other as they sipped their hot tea.

  ‘I saw his face–when we met you on honeymoon. It crumpled when you left. I’ve never had him properly–his body, yes, but not his head. You will always be Miss High and Mighty to him. No matter what I do I can’t measure up, even though he thinks you chucked him. But there’s little Bebe to think of now.’ Gloria paused. ‘Go on, say it.’

  ‘Say what?’ Maddy replied, seeing fear in Gloria’s eyes.

  ‘I only got what I deserved…after what I did to you. They were lies I told you, lies I made up. If I tell you everything will you leave us alone?’

  ‘Tell me what?’ Maddy leaned forward, not believing what she was hearing.

  ‘Your baby was born dead…it never breathed. I panicked. I made it all up.’

  There was a deafening silence as Maddy drank in her words.

  ‘And you let me go on believing I’d…? How could you? You blackmailed me, burdened me with the fear that I might have neglected the baby. How could you? I thought you were my friend. Why, Gloria?’ Maddy leaned over, wanting to punch her stupid face.

  ‘It was the only way to get what I wanted. Hadn’t you noticed I fancied the pants off him? When you brought him back I was so…jealous. You’ve got everything, Maddy Belfield, handed to you on a plate. I was young and I thought, all’s fair in love and war. I’m just like my mam after all. She’d told us lies to get shut of us…threw us on that train. She taught me to look after number one. I thought if I got Greg it would make up for everything.’

  ‘And did it?’

  ‘For a while, but then he found the smutty pictures and the look on his face…’

  Maddy was too shocked to be sympathetic to this confession. ‘Have you any idea what you’ve done to all of us?’ she yelled, banging her cup on the table. The tearoom audience was silenced by the drama at table four.

  ‘Oh, yes, I have now. I’ve got everything and nothing. What’ll I do?’

  ‘Don’t ask me. You stole him for yourself and now you expect my pity? How you must have hated me, even when we were little. All those years you waited to pay me back for being a Belfield. I lost everything, or have you forgotten: my parents, my home, everything. How dare you? I trusted you. You were my friend and I was so ashamed of letting the family down. You knew I’d let him go, didn’t you? I couldn’t risk public shame. I thought you were my friend and all the time…Oh Gloria, what have you done? Well, now you have a beautiful home and a child, everything you wanted, and you expect me to feel sorry for you?’

  The whole room was agog but Maddy didn’t care.

  Gloria turned round, embarrassed. ‘It’s a house full of toys, not a home. Greg’s never in it,’ she whispered.

  ‘That’s not my problem,’ said Maddy, trying to contain her fury ‘Sort it out as best you can. I have my own life to live. It’s not the life I’d have chosen, but each day has its own rewards.’

  ‘So you don’t
want him back, then? I thought you’d come to steal him away now he doesn’t want me. You can come again and see him, if you like,’ Gloria smiled, softening as if everything between them was all right again.

  How childish the woman in front of her was, Maddy thought, this cheap stranger with her rouged cheeks and fancy earrings. How dare she suggest such a thing? It was hard not to walk out there and then. Maddy put on her gloves, making to go.

  ‘Oh, grow up, Gloria. Let’s get this straight. You’re his family now and I’m a stranger who will visit only by appointment. Why should I want him now? We can’t just turn the clock back and make everything hunkydory. At least you had the decency to tell me that I’m not a murderer!’

  ‘Hang on! I never said you were a murderer!’

  ‘You said I’d caused the baby’s death. It’s tantamount to the same thing.’

  ‘No, never. I just suggested perhaps…I had to make you let him go. You did the right thing, as I knew you would. You Belfields are so proper. We’ve been happy enough, Greg, me and little Bebe.’

  ‘Have you? Is that why he drove out and nearly killed himself?’ Maddy rose, knocking over her chair, wanting to be far away from those foxy eyes. ‘Tell Greg I was asking after him, and Plum will write to him, but I’ve heard enough!’

  Every eye in the room was on them now. Gloria was blushing.

  ‘Sit down…sit down. How am I going to nurse him? What if he never walks again? What will it do to his business?’ Gloria was whining, her eyes wide with fear.

  ‘That’s your problem, not mine. Get off your backside and support him. That’s what real partners do in hard times. Take a lesson from some of my refugees. You should see what some of them are doing to help each other out, and they have nothing but each other. He’s your problem, not mine.’

  ‘Don’t be bitter, Maddy,’ Gloria said, putting on her gloves.

  ‘How dare you? You tricked me and now you have to live with what you’ve done and so have I. For better or worse, in sickness or in health, like Mrs Plum did all those years of putting up with Uncle Gerald’s cheating. At least she’s found Steve, and they’re such a team. Without their support I couldn’t have opened up the hostel again. Find your own way through, Gloria–you’re a big girl now. Get your friends to rally round.’

  ‘I haven’t got any real friends, just a few neighbours.’

  ‘You do surprise me.’

  ‘You were my forever friend,’ Gloria sighed.

  ‘And look how you treated me,’ Maddy sneered.

  ‘I’m sorry…’

  ‘It’s a bit late for apologies from you. We can’t go back, not ever. You told me I was the cause of my baby’s death. Wires crossed or not, how can I forgive you for that? At least you can tell me what really happened that night. Isn’t it time we squared this off once and for all?’ She stood waiting for the reply. ‘No more lies.’

  ‘The baby was born in a rush. It was too little, like a bird thrown out of the nest, glassy and still. I wrapped it in a teatowel and hid it. I was meaning to tell you but you were sleepy and sick, and I was scared. I wasn’t thinking straight.’ Gloria rose up to face her.

  ‘How do you live with yourself? All these years and here’s me thinking such terrible thoughts. It’s been like carrying a rock on my back, the fear that because I didn’t want this baby, it didn’t go to term…I threw it out of myself. That’s what I really feared. That I might do it again if I had another child.’ Maddy could barely contain herself.

  ‘I’m sorry. I just put it to the back of my head like you did. We both pretended it never happened. I didn’t know what real fear was like until Ken did the dirty on me and trapped me in a corner. It was a filthy place to be…now I know. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Words are easy to say. It’s what we do that shows the person we are. We both have to live with our mistakes as best we can. Being your friend was one of mine.’

  ‘But I didn’t mean to…don’t you see?’

  ‘Oh, don’t kid yourself. You must have envied me so much to tell me those lies. You took away my trust, my confidence. You ruined my chance of happiness…I have to go, I can’t listen to any more of this.’ Maddy rushed for the door.

  ‘Don’t go! Don’t you want to know what I did with the little one?’

  Gloria chased after Maddy as she ran for the Morris, but Maddy didn’t stop to listen. If she turned round she might have killed the stupid woman.

  ‘Go away. Go back to Greg,’ she yelled from the car window. ‘He needs you. You need his forgiveness, not mine. He’s all yours now!’

  ‘But, Maddy, I have to tell you where I…’

  Maddy was beyond hearing as she sped out of the car park, leaving Gloria shouting into the wind.

  22

  Maddy drove across the moors in a daze, numb with shock after hearing Gloria’s confession. Although it had taken such a weight off her mind, there was so much to take in. It was all too much. All of her grownup life was spent trying to prove that she must make amends for her mistakes, that she must be the best mannequin, the best carer and the best hostess. That her best friend had betrayed her in such a way was unbelievable. ‘Smile and smile and be a villain’–that was Gloria, reeling her in on a hook of deceit and subtle lies. What a fool I’ve been, Maddy wept. Poor Greg never stood a chance against such wiles.

  Yet Gloria’s actions had set her free to live out the rest of her life without that constraint. She would always yearn for that tiny mite, born too soon. What if he’d lived? What would her life be now? Would Plum have supported her or would she have had to give her baby away–the baby she’d never know, the baby who never lived but who was so much a part of her life, even now?

  Perhaps being cushioned by training and education and income she might have brought him up alone. How many other young mothers were there today in the world who didn’t have her advantages? What agonies they must go through.

  Make no mistake, the miscarriage had given her another chance and freed her to make a new life. But that terrible day would never be forgotten. His birthday was always marked and next year little Dieter would have been ten.

  Would they have coped with the disgrace that his birth would have brought on the family? How would she feel knowing that her baby was out there in the world, not knowing her, living with adopted parents?

  Her secret was safe. No one stared after her when she passed, whispering, ‘That one had a baby out of wedlock.’ Being an unmarried mother was a stigma that lasted a lifetime in Sowerthwaite.

  Maddy drove on towards Skipton, looking down towards the grey town. Nearly home, she sighed. When would she ever get Greg out of her mind? She prayed he’d make a safe recovery. But she wasn’t going back there ever. That part of her life was over.

  The hostel would be emptying soon. There wasn’t enough work in the town and many of the refugees came for a few weeks’ rest in the country and then moved on. What new use could it be put to now? It was a shame to leave it furnished and gathering dust. If only there was someone she could share all this with, someone who would understand and advise, but that person was living on the other side of the world. Maybe it was about time she told Aunt Plum the whole truth. Perhaps it might help if she wrote it all down?

  There was a germ of an idea growing in her mind but it would take guts and a brass neck to make it happen. Plum was the only person in the world who would give her permission to make it a reality.

  In the weeks following the accident, Gloria went about her routines like an automaton, cleaning the house from top to bottom regardless that she employed a cleaner, visiting Greg dutifully, taking Bebe to the pictures and out for treats; anything to get away from the confusion in her head.

  Everything was churning up inside. She couldn’t blot out those terrible images of her lying on that rug, opening her legs like a slut. How had she done these things? Why had she told such lies to Maddy? Who was this Gloria, this bitch, this whore? She didn’t recognise herself any more.

  At first she
blamed Mam, poor feckless Marge, who fumbled through life chasing one fella after another. Gloria didn’t even know if she was dead or alive, and she didn’t care. What was wrong with them?

  Mothers were supposed to nurse their kids through bad times and worry over them. They knew you from the day you were born and encouraged you to grow a kind heart. But Marge had taught her only to lie and deceive, abandon people only to pick them up when it suited her. Then she blamed the war for separating them into another world–a world so different from Elijah Street–where she’d seen how the other half lived. Going to Leeds was hate at first sight.

  In some ways she’d been an orphan like Greg all her life. Sid had found his way in the countryside and she’d pinned her hopes on Greg making her life easy and safe. Now, nothing was safe, with no husband and no friends. For the first time in her life she’d taken a hard look inside and didn’t like what she saw. She must face the awful truth that it was payback time. The only person to blame in all this was her stupid insecure self. She had tried to bridge the social gulf between herself and Maddy. She had used Greg to further this end. Maddy had tried her hardest to be her true friend, as best she could.

  She couldn’t help being a Belfield, just as it wasn’t Gloria’s own fault that she was born to Marge Conley. The difference hadn’t really mattered until she’d got it into her head to try to be Maddy. Wanting everything she had was pointless in the end. It had cost her her husband’s respect and her only chum.

  Maddy was right to feel betrayed. Now Gloria had lost that friendship for ever. She was alone and if Greg left her she’d have to find work, something that fitted in with Bebe. Surely it was not too late to build bridges with him, for Bebe’s sake.

  While he was an invalid perhaps she could help out in one of his other ventures, make herself useful. He could baby-sit when he was out of convalescence.

  Greg was making slow progress. He’d been grateful for her visits but she never told him about Maddy’s visit and collected his post at reception so she could check the handwriting. But nothing came. Even now she didn’t trust them not to meet up again behind her back.