by Lee Heaven
“No, that’s all for now.” I had a hint of sadness in my voice. I really love getting tattooed. It was something that allowed me to be me in my life where I wasn’t allowed to be myself at all. I hadn’t been tattooed in a few years; I was beginning to think I needed a new one.
“You want more?”
I nodded my head, “At least one more.”
“You amaze me.”
“There’s nothing amazing about me. I’m just a girl who lost her way and found a piece of it by decorating my body in art.”
“Baby, I wish you would tell me what has you thinking you are so lost.”
There was no way in hell I wanted him to know about my past and why I was so lost. There was no way I was going to show this man my dark past. I was not going to let him in so he could turn and hate me like everyone else. I need to change the subject.
“Why do you call me that?”
“Call you what?”
“Baby. Every since dinner on Friday night all you have called me is baby. Never my real name. Why? It’s not like we are together.”
“Sarah, baby, Ms. Starr, I will call you whatever you want me to call you. But calling you baby is what makes me hope that you will realize that I will do anything to make you smile. Because you have smiled more in the past two days since I started calling you that then you have in all of the previous sixteen weeks that I have known you. And Sarah, your smile lights up a room and I will do whatever I can to make sure that light never goes out.”
Do I really smile whenever he calls me baby? Does something so simple make me so happy? It does, but I’m not going to admit to it. I can’t admit to it.
Oh man, this guy knows all the right strings to pull at my insides. I feel the blush take over my face and spread down my neck. I just have to get away. He’s going to melt me all over this counter and then I can’t guarantee my own actions. I have to get away from him.
“I’ll be right back. I need to get my phone I haven’t check it since I got here Friday night.”
As I leave the kitchen I hear him mumble, “You will stop running from me someday soon.”
~~~
Heading across to the table by the window I can feel my weakness for this man killing me. I need to stop running from him. He can give me everything I have ever wanted. Yeah there lies the problem, I’m not worthy of everything he can give me. I’m not worthy of love from anyone.
Finally turning my phone on I know I’m going to have a ton of messages from text messages to emails to Facebook. “Oh God, I’m gonna be all over Facebook!” I mumble to myself.
Checking my text messages first, I see my mother has text me about fifty times wondering what is going on. I think the only person who loves to gossip more than me is my mom. My dad sent me about fifteen wondering how long I have known Decker Jensen and why I never told him, my sister sent me one just stating WTF!, and Chrissy sent me a couple reminding me to call her when I leave Decker’s to go home.
Besides Chrissy and Shawn no one knew I was working for Decker. I didn’t want to have to deal with all the questions so I never said anything. Everyone knew I was working as a home health aide but just thought it was for regular people. Now the secret was out and everyone knew.
Checking my email wasn’t any better. There were several from newspaper companies asking for interviews. How the fuck did they find my email? Ugh!! A few from aunts, uncles, and cousins all wondering what the story was.
“Ok time to check the dreaded Facebook,” I mumble to myself. Pressing the app button I know I’m in for it. “Oh shit, one hundred-seventy-five notifications and fifty-six messages!”
Everything started Friday night shortly after eleven when the late night news came on and my story was plastered everywhere. Most of the posts started with “are you ok, saw you had an accident” or “how do you know Decker Jensen.” Then as the weekend went on and they tagged me in more pictures the comments became “how lucky are you” or “hope you’re banging that,” -that made me laugh,- “Why you hiding out on us,” or “nice tat” or the most popular one “can you get me tickets?”
The messages were almost the same. I figured I wouldn’t read them now I would just look at who sent them. Most were from friends, some from people I had no idea who they were and probably just looked me up, some from people I had gone to school with and didn’t want anything to do with and then there it was. The one I hoped I wouldn’t have heard from, the boy who ripped my already fragile heart out and stomped it to a bloody mess all over the ground, Kevin Reed. I opened his message,
Hey Sarah, Haven’t talked to you in awhile. Give me a call so we can catch up. Let’s go for coffee. 908-555-5029. Kevin
Talked to me in a while! You walked away from me fifteen years ago and left me crying on the ground of the parking lot of a bank. And seven years ago when you saw me crying again you just turned and walked away from me again without even saying a word. Fucking asshole!
“Who’s a fucking asshole?” Decker said scaring me that I jumped and jumbled the phone. I never heard him come in the room.
“Ahhh…” Crap, I said that out loud.
“Sarah?” Decker raised an eyebrow.
“An ex. I haven’t heard from him in years and he sent me a message asking to catch up over coffee. I don’t even like coffee, you think he would have remembered that. I’m sure he’s only doing it because he’s seen pictures of us together.”
“Do you plan on meeting him?” he questioned with an eyebrow raised.
“No. That wouldn’t be a good idea. The last time I saw him I was crying and he just turned and walked away from me without saying a word. And the time before that was when he ripped out my heart and stomped it to a mess.”
“Tell me about him.”
Why does this man want to know so much about me? Why can’t he just let me have my secrets? However I know he won’t give up until I tell him.
Moving to the couch, I sat staring at the wall not looking at him. I couldn’t look at him. The sadness that will plague his face during my story will break me.
“We met in high school. He was one of the boys I dated in between dating Ely. Ely was my soul mate, but Kevin was my first love. He was usually the one I went back to almost every time Ely and I broke up. He stopped talking to me when I started dating my serious boyfriend my junior year of high school. Looking back I think we stopped talking then because he wanted to be with me but I found someone else. We didn’t talk again till the November after I graduated. In between is when I got my scars.”
“Tell me about your scars,” Decker interrupted me.
“No. I won’t talk about them.” I looked Decker in the eye and he just nodded at me. “He knew what had happened to me and seemed excepting of it. Although looking back at the situation years later I think he didn’t know the extent of my injuries. Well anyways, we were hanging out all the time it just became natural. All our friends assumed we were dating again. We never really said we were, but around May we starting acting like it. Besides heavy make out sessions and a few blow jobs while driving down the street somewhere we never went all the way. It was sometime in late July when we finally decided it was time to go further. It was never said out loud but we knew it.
“Every town has a spooky road all the teenagers drive up and down trying to see if the stories are real. We loved ours; we would drive up and down it for hours just for the hell of it. It also had a lake that was supposedly haunted. It was creepy at times as it had this mist that would rise from it even when the weather didn’t call for it. It was our favorite spot to go. We would walk out into the woods surrounding it and just sit on a fallen tree for hours. Well the night finally came and we walked out to our tree; however, we had brought a blanket with us and spread it out in front of the tree, leaning back against it.”
I took a deep breath hoping to find a set of nerves but they never really came. Instead I just sort of just rambled on with my story, hoping he wouldn’t run scared from me.
“
We sat like this just staring at the lake holding hands not saying a word. He finally kissed me and we started going at it like the horny eighteen year olds we were. He was the first boy I dated after I got my scars. The first boy I was with in over year. Him in his boxers kneeling between my legs, me in just my underwear and bra, he leans back on his legs and tells me I’m beautiful. Besides family no one had said that to me in over a year. I leaned up and kissed him. He unhooked my bra and slid it off as I lay back down. He looked down at me, seeing my scars for the first time…”
Dropping my face to my hands I sobbed. Decker just rubbed my back. Finally I got my bearings again and continued.
“At first it was a look of horror that crossed his face. Then he started laughing. Not one of those nervous laughs because he doesn’t know what to do, but laughter of cruelty. He stood up and tossed my clothes at me and started getting dressed. I knew what his problem was. I knew he didn’t see me whole or beautiful any more. We walked back to the car after getting dressed. Every time we walked around the lake he would always walk behind me to make sure I was safe and he could catch me if I tripped. Now he walked in front of me and couldn’t walk fast enough to get away from me. I cried the whole time. I didn’t even have the door to the car closed when he peeled off.
“The drive back to my car was about fifteen minutes. He would look at me and then laugh. Whenever he stopped laughing he would look at me and start laughing again. When we got back to the bank where my car was parked he just stopped the car, didn’t put it in park and didn’t say anything for a minute. I finally said his name. He turned to me and with laughter in his eyes. I can still hear his words ‘I can’t believe you never told me the whole thing. How bad it actually is. Did you really think that I could stand looking at that? Did you think that I could love you when you look like that?’ He then leaned over me opened the door and told me to get out. Standing with the door open he told me never to call him again and then took off with the movement of the car closing the door and me falling to my knees crying. Seven years later after leaving Shawn for a little while, I was with a mutual friend and I was crying, Kevin walked into our friend’s house and saw me sitting on the couch crying. Without saying a word he turned around and left. I haven’t heard or seen him since.”
Decker’s jaw was so tight I could see the muscle twitching and his right fist was so tight that his knuckles were turning white. His left hand still rubbed up and down my back. “Give me your phone, I’ll tell him where he can take his ‘meet me for coffee’ and tell him where he can shove it,” Decker growled out.
“I’d rather just ignore him like he did to me for years,” I said in a quiet voice. I really didn’t want anything to do with Kevin. He made sure to walk away from me twice and now it was my turn to walk away from him. It was my turn to save myself from letting him back into my life.
“That’s even better. What time are you leaving?”
“Maggie sent me a text, she’s feeling better and will be here around six. I’ll go home for the night and be back tomorrow morning. We have your x-ray scheduled for ten tomorrow and then you have a dentist appointment at twelve forty-five.”
“I can go by myself if you wanna stay here.”
I knew he was thinking about the cameras following us around and what could happen.
“No, Dr. Wilson will kill me if I’m not there. You’re not supposed to be driving until he gives you the ok. Let’s just hope he didn’t find out you drove Friday night. I really don’t want a lecture.”
Laughing Decker says, “True. What do you want to do till you leave?”
“First, I need to post a status on Facebook to try and shut people up then I want to just lean back, put up my feet and channel surf.”
“Sounds good to me.”
Everyone, yes that is me with Decker Jensen. No it is NOT more than friendship. No I cannot or will not get you tickets or bring you to meet him. Please respect mine and his privacy and don’t bug the fucking crap out of me.
~~~
“Sarah?” I hear Maggie yell as the front door opens.
“Maggie, I’m in the kitchen,” I call to her.
“So I see you two had a busy weekend,” Maggie said smirking as she walked into the kitchen.
“Oh please, Maggie. He was just showing me a good time and he’s been cooped up for so long that it was good for both of us. You know I don’t go anywhere when I’m home.”
“I know you’ve been sheltered these last few years, but even you can’t be stupid enough to not notice the look in his eye.”
I can’t figure out her facial expressions. She looks sad but so hopeful at the same time.
“Maggie, what are you talking about?”
Handing me her phone she shows me a picture. “Look, this is from Friday night out front. Look at the fright in his eyes.”
“Maggie, it was scary. I wouldn’t expect him to look any other way. You would have had the same look on your face to,” I countered back trying to squash what she was thinking.
“Fine, but what about this picture?” Taking her phone back and scrolling to another picture she hands it back to me. “Tell me the look in his eye is something different then what I’m seeing?”
Looking at the phone it was of us in the club. We were sitting at the table before we started dancing. I was looking out onto the dance floor but Decker was staring straight at me with heat, lust, love in his eyes. “Ummm…”
I couldn’t think of any other words to say. The picture was just proof of what he was trying to tell me all weekend. It was proof of what I was trying to deny and not allow myself to feel. I mean after all this was fucking Decker Jensen and there was no way in hell I was ever going to fit into his world. Not with all my baggage and fucked-upness.
“Scroll to the next one, Sarah,” Maggie interrupted me.
Flipping to the next picture I almost drop the phone. “Where did you get this one from?”
“I know who was at the club taking the pictures. I made sure this one was not sent to the press. But come on, Sarah, you’re really gonna tell me that there is not some major heat between you two.”
Looking at the picture I realize Decker didn’t kiss me up my stomach like I originally thought. He was running his tongue up my stomach. He was tasting me. He was doing something so hot that just looking at the picture was turning me on.
“You left as soon as he had you upright. Did it go further?”
“Maggie, if Shawn ever saw this I’ll be dead.” Shawn would kill me. Hell, half the time he wanted to kill me for no reason, but this would totally push him over the edge.
“Don’t worry. I have the only copy. You can delete it if you want. But, Sarah, this thing with you and Shawn it was over years ago from what you say and you only stay because of Josie and because you have no money. But now, it’s different, now you have Decker.”
I quickly sent a copy to myself and deleted it from her phone.
“Maggie, first off I don’t have Decker. We’re just friends. These pictures were just two friends having a fun time and getting out of control. Second, I will never depend on another guy as long as I live. After next week when Decker doesn’t need me any more I plan on finding another job. Then hopefully in a few months I can support me and Josie and not have to worry about Shawn bitching that I shop too much.”
“Oh, Sarah, I wish you would leave him. You’re too good for him and he takes advantage of that.”
“So I’ve been told many times this weekend,” I say as I take the chicken parmesan out of the oven.
“Decker told you that?” she said shocked.
“A few times.”
“Oh, Sarah,” she said hugging me.
“Maggie, I’ll be fine. I do have to get going though. There’s enough there for you to eat too.”
“Sarah, you’re even too good for me and Decker.” She laughs as I head down the hallway.
~~~
I grab my suitcase and head for the door.
“Decker!�
� I yell out for him.
“I’m in the office, Sarah,” he calls back.
Opening the door he’s sitting behind the desk staring at something on the computer. His temple is twitching and I can tell he’s aggravated about something. “Everything ok?” I ask.
A loud audible sigh escapes from his lips. “Yeah it’s just some funding issue with my foundation. I’ll have it straightened out in a little while. Are you leaving?”
“Yeah, Maggie is here. Dinner is just about ready. She’ll call you when it is. I’ll be back tomorrow around seven-thirty. What do you want for breakfast?” I said as I walked around his desk, stood behind his chair and then rubbed at his temples hoping to alleviate some of the tension he had.
“Pancakes and eggs,” he said as he closed his eyes and let me rub for a minute till I felt the tension let go.
“Sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I give him a kiss on his forehead, like I do every time I go to leave over the past months and turn to leave. He grabs my wrist and turns me back toward him. He swiveled in his chair and is now facing me. I’m standing in between his muscular thighs. His hands slowly slide to my waist and his fingers dig into my skin. His eyes bore into mine.
“Decker!” I let out a breathless cry.
“Baby, I wish you didn’t have to go. I had such a great weekend I would give anything to keep you here all the time.” He buried his face in my stomach.
I am so weak when it comes to him. I have to stay strong. Doing anything with Decker now would just put my life in danger and make it spiral out of control and nothing could catch me and save me.
“Decker!” There was that breathless cry again. “Decker, please. I had a great weekend but I have to go. Josie will be home soon. I’ll see you tomorrow.” His grip on my waist tightened. “Decker, I can’t. It’s not right. I’m not right. Please, Decker.”
He let go of my waist but his face was still nuzzled against my stomach. His warmth was driving me insane. I sagged a little into him and he didn’t waste the advantage and wrapped his arms around me again. I wrapped mine around his neck.
