by Lee Heaven
The judge has allowed reporters to be in the court room, but has banned all cameras and video tapping. Anyone caught with a cell phone will be held in contempt and fined. I wish there were no hounds to begin with.
Kevin’s parents and sisters sit behind him. I knew his one sister never liked me. But the looks she is giving me could turn anyone to stone. She could give Medusa a run for her money. His mother looks at me every once in a while her eyes pleading for forgiveness for what her son did and asking me to drop this all at the same time.
I don’t have time for this. I have a fundraiser to pull off in two weeks. My team is doing great at keeping everything going. But just when I need to be there the most I’m stuck here. And on top of that next week when I should be doing last minute prep stuff I have to be here testifying instead. At least Decker will be here, they’ll be home for games the next two weeks.
Kevin took the stand today. Jason, Decker’s lawyer who’s helping the D.A., said he should take up three days between his lawyers questioning him and then being crossed examined then if needed a rebuttal questioning from his lawyer again.
Kevin’s menacing stare while sitting there is getting to me. I can feel the burning in my chest starting. Maggie sits to my right rubbing my arm every now and then. Jimmy, who I’ve grown close to and continue to do midnight runs with, and his girlfriend Chelsea sit to my left. I can feel the panic set in. My hands start shaking and I’ve broken out in a cold sweat. Rubbing at my chest harder isn’t helping.
I lean forward and place my head between my knees. Jimmy drops down on his knees, starts counting and telling me to relax.
The judge noticing asked in a concerned voice, “Ms. Starr, are you all right?”
“She’s having a panic attack,” Maggie relayed. “She suffers from PTSD from an attack seventeen years ago and under stressful situations has them.”
“We are in recess till further notice. Guard, take the prisoner back to the cell. Clear the court room now.” He bellows as he climbs down off the bench to walk over to me. “Can you get a bottle of water for Ms. Starr?” he asks the court reporter.
Maggie reaches into my purse and finds my iPod. Handing it to me, I place the ear buds in and turn on Bryan Adams. One…breath in…two…breath out…three…slow…four…deep. The panic begins to subside. The pain starts to go away. My breathing returns to normal.
It takes about ten minutes to calm down. The court room is empty besides Jason, the DA, Maggie, Jimmy, Chelsea, the judge, and Kevin’s lawyers.
Taking a sip of water I take a deep breath. “I’m better now.”
“Are you sure, Ms. Starr?” the judge asks.
“Yes.”
“Can you continue? Can you continue today or do you need a recess?”
“I’m good. If I can take ten minutes to make a phone call, we can continue, if that’s ok with you.”
“Tell you what.” He said looking at his watch. “I’ll call everyone back in and then announce we’ll break for lunch and meet back at one-thirty. Is that good with you?”
“Yes, that’s fine.”
My fingers shake as I dig my phone out of my purse and slide the lock over. Pressing send all I can think about is hearing his voice. I need the calm that it brings. I miss him so bad it actually hurts. It hurts not having him with me.
“Hi, baby,” he says sounding so happy.
“Oh God, I miss you.” I sob into the phone.
“Hey now. What’s going on? Why you crying?” His voice quickly changing from the happiness it had when he answered the phone to concern and worry.
I love that about him. I love he can be so concerned and me. I love how he feels for me. I’ve never had that before. No one has ever cared about my feelings or my well being. I was always left to deal with everything on my own.
Therapy had helped with making it feel like someone was concerned and really most of the psychologists just put on a good front to get me to talk and relieve some stress. But in the end none of them really cared how I was doing as long as they got their money.
But Decker, he actually cared. I could hear it in his voice. See it in his eyes and his body movements. I could feel it in everything he gave me. He knew how to take my pain away with just words or wrapping me in his arms.
“I had a panic attack in the court room. They needed to take a recess because of me. I don’t think I can do this. It’s too hard.”
“Oh, baby. I wish I was there with you. I hate being so far away. But you’re strong you can do this. You’ve been through so much more and came out with the sun shining on you.”
“I’m not strong. I’ve got the scar on my wrist to prove it,” I say as I run my finger of the scar that stretches across my right wrist.
It’s not as dark and prominent as it used to be, the plastic surgeon did a great job at sewing it up and minimizing the scar. If you didn’t know it was there you might not have noticed it. But I see it and it’s a constant reminder of just how weak I am. Was?
“Sarah, you were a kid when that happened. Now you’re a beautiful woman. I see it. Josie sees it. Maggie and Jimmy see it. Everyone does.”
“Decker, I’m so lonely I don’t even have Josie, she already left for Europe with Shawn and I don’t see the sun shining on me. I see it setting further and further plunging me into darkness.”
“Sarah, do you remember the note I left you that first weekend you spent with me?”
I love the note he left me. Of course, me being the pack rat that I am never got rid of it. It sits in a box in my closet with other little notes he has left for me or mementos from our time together. I have ticket stubs, pictures, candy wrappers, and even some receipts from restaurants or clubs.
When I’m lonely and miss him when he’s away I’ll go and sit on the floor in my closet and just look through the stuff. My favorite is a copy of the picture of us at the club the first night, the one that was printed all over the newspapers of him staring lovingly into my eyes why I looked up into his, even though you can’t see my face, just my back, I knew how I looked at him and it mirrored what I saw in his eyes and it was pure love.
“Yeah,” I whimper.
“It says ‘Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life. But I’d rather be your moon, so I can shine on you during your darkest hour when your sun isn’t around.’ Well here I am. I am your moon and I am shining on you.”
“Decker,” I whisper.
I really want him to come home. I want to bury myself in his body and have him hold me and just keep me safe from everything. I hated being without him and hated even more that he was so far away. Six months I have been with him, six months of pure love and I could never get enough of him.
“Baby, you can do this. It’s your last day for the week. Tomorrow is the weekend you’ll get a break. I’ll be back Sunday night and be there holding your hand on Monday. You can do this.”
“I don’t know,” I whispered so softly I’m not even sure I said it out loud myself.
“Is Maggie with you?”
“Yeah, Jimmy and Chelsea are here too,” I said as I looked down the hall at all three of them gathered around some chairs eating some sandwiches.
“Good lean on them. They will be there for you.”
And they would, I knew that. But it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same as having Decker here. He was my rock. He was what held me together when all I wanted was to fall apart and crawl into a hole and die.
“I miss you so much.”
“Oh, baby. I miss you. You can do this. Be strong for me. I love you, baby.”
“I love you too. I’ll call you when I get out later.”
“Be strong, baby.”
~~~
“I need to go some place loud. I need to go some place where I can drown out his voice and the lies he told on the stand.”
I pace the living room trying to sedate the panic I feel rushing into my chest. I think everyone could tell I was about to jump out of my skin as they all seemed to ke
ep their distance from me. Every now and again Jimmy would look at me and then point to a chair trying to get me to sit. I would just shake my head no at him.
“Jimmy, what’s that place down in the Meat Packing District we went to a few weeks ago?” Chelsea asked.
“Cielo. It was small but we had fun. I’ll give them a call and a heads up were coming.”
“Good. Why don’t you call Hard Rock and let them know we’re coming too. I want some good greasy comfort food and fun atmosphere. Nothing expensive or uptight. I’m gonna call Decker and talk for a little. Let’s meet back here in an hour.”
Heading to the bedroom I strip from my clothes and head into my closet so I can find an outfit for tonight. Pressing send on the phone I call Decker.
“Hey, baby. How’d everything go this afternoon?”
“Better. I didn’t have another attack, but his staring gets to me. I can feel it in my bones.” I shiver just thinking about how Kevin’s normally soft baby blue eyes have become daggers of ice and when he looks at me I can feel the chill down deep.
“Don’t worry I’ll be there Monday.”
“I wish you didn’t have to be so far away.” Sighing deeply I hated when Decker had to go on away games. If it wasn’t for this stupid trial I would have been with him. Curled next to him at night, cheering him on as he played and just plain being near him.
“I know, but it’s what I have to do. It’s the job.”
Job! Can you call playing baseball a job? I always thought that was funny. Grown men playing a game as a job but I guess it is a job. He does get paid to do it. He has hours that he has to be at the stadium. He has bosses. Everything a normal job would have. He just gets paid exuberant amounts of money to play a game.
“I know. Still sucks.”
“What are you up to tonight?”
Pulling on a pair of black satin shorts and a silver sparkly tank, I slip my feet into a pair of silver pumps with a small heel. Perfect for dancing and not have my feet barking mad at me by the end of the night.
“We’re headed to Hard Rock for dinner and then going to some club over in the Meat Packing District. Jimmy already called to make sure they knew we were coming so relax.”
I added that last bit knowing Decker always wanted it so where ever we went was prepared for whatever may follow me around the city.
“Good. Speaking of Jimmy I wanna talk to you about him.” Decker’s tone getting serious and kind of shaking my nerves a little bit.
“Did he do something wrong?” I asked concerned.
God I hoped not. I really liked Jimmy. He was my rock when Decker wasn’t around. He sometimes could get through a breakdown better then Decker could. More than that he had become a really good friend and someone I could count on even if he wasn’t working.
“No, just the opposite. Daniel just informed me that he proposed to his girlfriend and was hoping to step back a little. So I was thinking of maybe offering Jimmy a permanent position.”
Daniel had taken two weeks off to take his girlfriend to Hawaii. I had a feeling he was going to ask her to marry him. They had been serious for about two years. Plus she wasn’t like the typical girl, she never got mad over his job which was great because sometimes he had long days and even days without going home. But not once had she complained. She had even taken time to come over and make sure I was doing well after I was kidnapped.
“Really? Are you serious?”
“Yes I am. He really does a good job with you. I’ve noticed. You even listen to him more then you listen to me.”
I laugh out loud with that one. “Are you jealous about that?”
“Baby, as long as you’re happy it doesn’t bother me.”
“He’s here now. Can we tell him now? I’ll put you on speaker phone.”
“Sure, baby. Go ahead.”
“Jimmy!” I scream as I run down the hallway. “Jimmy!”
“What? What’s wrong?” he says as he jumps up from my desk by the window.
There’s a slight flash of panic in his eyes. I’m sure he was thinking the worst with the way I came running and screaming into the room. I feel slightly guilty but I knew my news would make him forgive me.
“Decker can I tell him or do you want to?” I was jumping from one foot to the other. Jimmy’s face went from panic when I first walked in to wonder.
Maggie and Chelsea had walked into the room and were standing in the far corner. They looked like they were waiting for me to deliver some kind of bad news.
Decker’s voice boomed laughter over the speaker phone says, “Go ahead you tell him.”
“Decker and I were wondering, if you would like to come on in a full-time permanent position.”
“Really?” Jimmy asked as a huge smile spread across his face. It was like looking at a kid on Christmas. I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.
“Yup.” I nod at him.
Picking me up and swinging me around he yelps, “Yes! I would love to.”
Giggling, I said, “Ok, Ok. Put me down before I puke.”
“We’ll go over the specifics and paperwork when I get back on Monday. Good?” Decker asked.
“Perfect,” Jimmy said.
~~~
Sunday afternoon Maggie and I were doing what we did best. Sitting on the couch in our pjs watching the Yankees play. The floor in front of us scattered with takeout bags and boxes as this is what we were also doing twenty-four hours ago also, neither one of us wanting to clean the room.
Playing the not it game when the doorbell would ring as more food came throughout the day. These weekends when Decker was on the road were going to start getting to me. Maggie and I ate so much I was sure the weight was going to start pouring on soon. All I can say is thank God Jimmy and I still went running every night.
I had given Jimmy yesterday and this morning off with the promise that Maggie and I would not be going anywhere. And we had both kept to that promise. He should probably be back any minute and I know he was going to spaz when he saw the state of this living room.
“Yay!” Maggie screamed at the television. “You see that, Sarah. My man is better than yours. Decker only hit a double. Tobias just hit a homerun bringing in three runs.”
“Oh, Maggie, you are a nut case.” I laughed.
“You bet. Especially when it comes to Tobias.” She giggled at me.
Tobias and Maggie had been flirting with each other for months. Finally he broke down and asked her to my fundraiser. She of course accepted in a gracious tone, but once she hung up the phone it was completely different. However they haven’t gone on any other dates so I wondered what was really going on.
“I can’t wait till they get home tonight.” I sighed.
“I know what you mean. If I have to go through one more day of sitting in court without you having Decker there, I’d have to fly out to where ever he’s at and drag him home myself.”
“Tell me about it.
Just as Maggie was going to say something Jimmy walked into the living room and let out the growl of all growls. Maggie and I busted out laughing as he stalked into the kitchen to get a garbage bag to clean up our mess.
“See, Maggie, neither one of us had to clean up. Jimmy’s going to do it.” I laughed.
Both of us were giggling like two little school girls when he came stalking back in the room mumbling to himself about how he can’t leave the two of us alone for one minute before we destroy the house.
Hey we have been cleaning this apartment for almost nine months at this point. We took one weekend off of taking care of it and now we had to listen to Jimmy bitch as he actually cleaned up after us. It was nice having someone take care of us for a change.
“Are you ready for Tuesday when you’re expected to take the stand?” Jimmy asked as he shoved the last of the wrappers into the garbage bag.
“Will anyone ever be ready for something like that? I just have to do what I need to do and try not to freak out.”
“Tobias said
since Boston’s gonna be here for a four game stand on Thursday and that some of the guys want to come to the court house and support you,” Maggie said. A smile spread across her face as she spoke of Tobias.
“Mess with one, deal with all.” I laughed remembering what John Hankles had said to me that day almost three months ago.
Chapter 16
I pace the hallway out front of the court room. It’s Thursday morning and I’m expected to take the stand any minute so Kevin’s lawyers can start their questioning. Jason and the D.A. have spent the last three days asking me questions.
I didn’t so much mind that. They took their time. They were gentle. They allowed me to answer questions at my own pace. Never raising a voice. Letting me take breaks when I needed it. I know Kevin’s lawyer isn’t going to be the same. I know he’s gonna pounce on me, break me down.
“If you don’t stop pacing you’re gonna ware those tiles out, little lady,” I heard a voice behind me laugh.
Turning I spot John Hankles. “Boston!” I laugh as I hug him and about ten of his team mates. “Thank you, guys, for coming.”
“We wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” He smiled down at me.
Who would have thought me, the diehard Yankee fan, would be conversing with the enemy. Not just any enemy the worst one, Boston. Never would have figured that would ever happen. Oh my brother has to be rolling over in his grave. Although at the same time he is throwing the biggest party ever because his little sister is dating a Yankee. Hell, if he was still alive he’d be finding an excuse to move in with us.
“Well, you guys, better get in there before all the hounds and bull dogs take up the seats. Decker’s in there waiting.”
“Hounds and bull dogs?” John asks confused.
“The press that’s what I call them. ‘Cause they’re always hunting me like hound dogs and are vicious like a bull dog could be.”
“Ah, gotcha. I think I’m going to have to remember that one. Good luck we’ll see you in there.” He chuckles.
