by Lee Heaven
I finally get called in and take my seat in the box. I look toward Decker and all the guys. They all smile and nod their heads in reassurance and strength. Decker blows me a kiss.
Just as Kevin’s lawyer got up to start asking me questions a young man comes hurrying into the court room and hands him a folder. Looking at the papers inside, he nods and then the young man leaves. He turns to me.
“How are you today, Ms. Starr?” he asks
Really, you’re gonna play Mr. Nice Guy. “I’ve had better days,” I say sarcastically.
The Judge even chuckles at that one. I don’t think he likes Kevin very much.
“I have some pictures here. I’d like you to take a look at them and explain them to me if you can,” he said as he hands me a stack of photos upside down from the file he just received.
Flipping them over my stomach turns automatically. I turn white, I start to shake and I’ve broken out in a cold sweat.
“How did you get these?” I ask.
“Your honor what is going on here?” the D.A. yells.
Kevin’s lawyer walks as slowly as he can as he hands the judge and then Jason a copy of the same photos.
“Your honor?” Jason yells.
“Mr. Keeper, I suggest you explain what you have going on here,” the judge orders. The look on his face is bordering somewhere between kettle about to explode and mad man on a rampage. He was truly pissed off over this move.
“After Ms. Starr’s panic attack last week in the court room. I checked into her past and found the case that she claims caused her to have PTSD. Should I not be granted the right to question her mental health?”
“How did you get these? I was a minor. This case was sealed. How did you get these?” I whispered as tears rolled down my face.
Looking up I can see the pained faces of Decker and my parents. The rest of the players and reports sitting there with blank faces not understanding what was happening. Not knowing what I was looking at.
“Your honor, this has no bearing on this case and cannot be allowed. On top of that she was a minor when this occurred and this should have been sealed,” Jason bellows out.
Jason and Kevin’s lawyer continue to argue over the pictures as I look through them. The first picture of me I was lying in a hospital bed, tubes protruding from my mouth, my left arm bandaged, my chest wrapped in heavy bandages stained with blood marks, a blanket barely covering my lower half with tubes coming out from under the blanket. The second picture was a close up of the stab wound on my arm, another picture of the stab wound to my side where my lung was punctured. Another picture of my face so bruised it was black. An ultrasound picture of my uterus. The last one, the most stomach turning one there, a close up of my chest and the wounds that were left on my breasts.
I need the bathroom. I need to throw up. Turning to the right I get two steps before I collapse onto my knees and lost my breakfast right there on the floor. The judge ordering the court room cleared. Kevin’s lawyer and Jason yelling at the judge over the use of the pictures.
Finding some balance in my legs I get up and run out of the court room. I head straight to the elevator, pressing the button for the top floor, the doors closing on everyone as they run down the hallway toward me. I shed my jacket and shoes as the elevator rose up.
The door opened on the top floor and I ran toward the stairwell and up the last ten steps to the roof. I threw open the roof door. The hot July humid air stole the last of my breath, making it even harder to breathe through my crying.
Tears streaming down my face I walked over to the edge and looked over. Still clutching the pictures in my hand I start to shake. I raise my foot ready to step over, ready to end my hell of a life. Eighteen floors up looking down at the street I held my foot over the edge. It would be so much easier if I just ended things. So much easier if I just stopped fighting. So much easier if I wasn’t here.
He’s taken everything from me. Once again he stands over me laughing at my scars. Knowing what it would do. He counted on this. Once again Kevin has made a fool of me. Once again he has broken me and this time beyond repair.
“Sarah, baby, step away from the edge. Whatever it is we can face it together,” Decker screams from behind me, the fear so evident in his voice.
Still looking over the edge I lowered my leg. My eyes never leaving the street below.
“I can’t do this anymore. I’m not strong enough. He knew this would break me. He counted on this.”
“Ma’am, you need to step away from the edge,” I hear an unfamiliar voice say.
Looking back over my shoulder I see two officers standing next to Decker. Behind them are two paramedics, my parents, Decker’s parents, Jason, Jimmy, and a few of the players. Everyone looks scared, tears were welling in their eyes.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said looking back down at the street while shaking my head and crying.
“Baby, I’m here to help you. You’re strong enough to get through this. Just step back so we can face this together. I love you. Please,” Decker pleads with me.
Tossing all but the photo of my chest at him, I asked, “How can you love this? How can I go on after this? I’m living in hell everyday because of it.” My voice so venomous.
Decker moved picking up the photos as they scattered across the roof and looked at them. I hear his breath catch and knew he would have tears in his eyes.
He didn’t look at the pictures in the court room. Why? He waited for me to show him. It’s the first time he saw how bad it was. The pain in his eyes is unbearable. He’s never seen my breast, every time we’ve had sex I’ve left my bra or a t-shirt on. He never went over that hard boundary till I was ready. He’s gonna hate me like everyone else. He’s gonna leave. Why not leave him and save him the embarrassment. Just end everything.
Looking back up at me he cries out, “You can’t do this. They’ll all win if you do. Kevin wins. Shawn wins. Brian wins.”
“Ma’am, please step back,” the officer says again taking a few steps toward me.
“Don’t. Don’t come any closer. I’ll step over if you do,” I screamed as I lifted my foot off the tar paper.
The officer stopped in his tracks and retreats a couple of steps so he’s once again standing next to Decker.
“Sarah, turn around and look at me,” Decker pleads.
“I can’t,” I cried. I can’t look at him and see the pitty that will be in his eyes. I can’t look back at him and have him walk away from me. I can’t have him hating me like everyone does after they know my secret.
“Sarah, baby girl, turn around and look at me,” I hear Erica’s voice say and I lowered my foot instinctively at her voice.
“What are you doing here, Erica?” My bottom lip quivered, betraying how truly scared I really am.
“I’m here every day. I sit in the back every day,” she softly says as she shuffles closer to me.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said crying through a wall of tears.
“Think of Ely. He wouldn’t want you to do this. Don’t you think he would want you to fight? Don’t you think he would give anything he had to protect you? He’d expect you to get up and fight, to give it your all.”
“Maybe I should just join him.” Being with Ely again! A shudder ran through me. Ely, my happy life, my life before this hell I live with now. When I was safe and loved. When I feared nothing and no one. My life with Ely, when I thought I had dreams and hopes. When I had everything.
“Don’t you ever say that! He wouldn’t want you to join him till it was your time. He wouldn’t want you to join him unless you went naturally not by your own hand. Not like this. He wouldn’t want this,” Erica said angrily.
I had heard that from her before. All the times I drowned myself with a bottle of vodka and pills, the time I slashed my wrist and even the time I stopped doing everything and just lied in bed doing nothing for days needing an ambulance to take me to the hospital I was so dehydrated and on the verge of dying.
Erica always seemed to be there saying the right thing when I needed her to. She somehow knew when to be there and when not to be. She knew what to say without too many words and never minced her words either, always told me how it was even if it wasn’t the nicest thing to say.
“It would be so much easier if I did,” I said as I hung my head and my hand held on to the necklace he gave me nineteen years ago. My St. Jude charm, we had found it when we were hiking in the mountains one day. After replacing the broken chain he put it on me and not one day has gone by that I have taken it off.
“Baby girl, step back. Step back so those who love you can help you. This man here loves you. Your parents love you. I love you. There’s a whole court room of people who love you. Hell all those little black dots down there are people who came to support you.”
“I don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve his love. I’m not right for him. I don’t fit in his world. There are so many girls better than me. So many who don’t bear the scars I do. So many girls who can give him what he needs. He can’t love me. I’m not right. I’m so broken on the inside and outside. He can’t love me.”
“Sarah, show me the last picture. Show me how bad it is. Shouldn’t I be the one to decide who I get to love and who I don’t?” Decker pleads.
“Baby girl, you have to show him,” Erica says.
Turning half way I look down at the picture, then to Decker and then back to the picture. Without moving from the edge I held my arm out and reach as far as I could. Decker took two steps and reached out for the picture.
“Tell me how you can love this?” I cried.
Decker looked down at the picture. His face never changed expressions. “Turn around. Face the door.” He orders everyone. Turning toward me. “Show me. Show me now. I want to see what it looks like now. Let me judge for myself how bad it is.”
“Decker,” I whisper.
“Show him, Sarah,” Erica encourages me.
Tears streaming down my face I looked down at the black Stella McCartney shirt I’m wearing. Slowly I begin to unbutton my shirt. When I reach the last button Decker reaches an arm out and pulled me from the edge clamping his hand on the small of my back.
His eyes lock on mine. He hasn’t looked down. With one hand clamped onto my back he takes his other hand and slowly drags the cup of my bra down releasing one of my breasts. His eyes never wander to look anywhere but my own eyes.
Looking over his shoulder I see only the officers and Erica standing there. Everyone else has left. The officers have stepped back closer to the door and Erica is standing about two feet behind Decker. Tears still continue to slide down my face.
Releasing my other breast Decker finally looks down. His face never changing expressions, never letting the hand on my back lose its firm grip. He takes a finger on his free hand and runs it up the scar that runs from the underside up the middle of my breast to the areola then circles around where the missing nipple should be. Repeating the same motion on the other breast.
Looking back up into my eyes he doesn’t say a word. I can’t even make out the expression on his face. He replaces the cups of my bra and then buttons my shirt. Then he smiled the most perfect and loving smile he has ever given me and I knew he didn’t care, that he still loved me and wanted me.
Collapsing to my knees, Decker and Erica wrap their arms around me. All I can do is just cry in their arms.
After a few minutes the help me to my feet, then help me to the steps and walk down. They sat me on the waiting stretchers. The paramedics go about checking my blood pressure, heart rate, and other vitals. Someone hands me a bottle of water. The judge drags a chair over and sits down in front of me.
“I need to know the story behind these pictures. I need to know if there is any standing in this case.”
I tell him the story of Brian and how I came about the attack and all the scars. How I suffer from PTSD and how panic attacks and nervous breakdowns can range from very mild to full blown. How I have attempted suicide on multiple occasions. I lay my whole dirty story out so everyone can hear.
Everyone standing there listening to my story has a look of horror on their face. I know what they’re thinking ‘how could she go on after this’ or ‘she has to be so strong’. Some shed tears and some just look ready to punch someone.
He asks if Kevin had anything to do with the attack. I explain that he didn’t, but also tell him about how we dated and when he saw the scars and the outcome that occurred. I tell him that Kevin does know this weakness and exploits it.
“All right. I’ve made my decision. We will resume in thirty minutes and I will announce it then.” He stands to leave but before he moves his court reporter comes shuffling down the hallway and hands him a piece of paper. Looking at it he hands it to Jason.
Jason looks down at it and an expression of anger passes over his face. Ripping the paper from his hands I look down at it. Tears build in my eyes again. There in big bold letters the caption read, Jensen’s Angel Bruised, Battered, Bloody and Broken. Sure enough there was the picture of me lying in the bed with tubes and bandages soaked in blood.
Standing and taking in a very deep shaky breath I run my hands down the front of my black pants. Someone handed me my shoes and I put them back on, then I walk toward the elevator, everyone following close behind me. I press the button for the floor the court room is on. When the door opens everyone waiting in the hallway looks at me. I scan the room looking for who I want. Spotting them I stalk toward them.
“This. This is what you fucking protect? This is what you think did no fucking wrong?” My Jersey truckers mouth starts screaming as I shove the piece of paper into the chest of Kevin’s mom. I can see the others in the hallway backing away slowly to avoid my verbal out lash.
“This is what he fucking does. He takes the worst fucking day in my God damn fucking life and has now fucking shoved it in my face not once, not twice but three God damn fucking times and fucking laughs at me. A day I would love to fucking forget. A day that has made me live in fucking hell for years. But to you I’m just the bitch who’s trying to get fucking revenge for him fucking breaking up with me. Right? That’s what you fucking believe?”
Looking down at the paper his mom gasps and his father’s eyes show pain. “Sarah, I had no idea—” his mom started to say.
“Bull shit. Bull shit,” I yelled in her face, interrupting her before she could try and make some excuse. “Well now you fucking know. Now can you still sit there and fucking protect him?”
Without even allowing a single one of them to respond I turn and walk into the courtroom and sit in my seat, my head falling into my hands.
The judge orders that the pictures and anything else involving my case from seventeen years ago has no place in my case now. He also places a gag order on the pictures and any press or anyone else who releases the pictures will be fined with possible jail time. He orders all pictures posted online to be pulled immediately or sanctions will be placed. He lectures Kevin and his lawyer calling their actions cheap, dirty, and deplorable. If they don’t find a different road to go down he will dismiss the jury and place a ruling himself.
He has instructed the jury to not take into any actions of this morning and that it is to have no bearings on their decisions. He has also called a recess until Monday. Allowing both sides a break.
~~~
It’s the beginning of July and I’m actually standing in front of a fire trying to get warm. A God damn stupid gas fire on top of that. God, I wish I had a real fire place. I always found the smell of wood burning relaxing and I’m missing it right now.
“Baby, talk to me,” Decker says circling his arms around me and resting his chin on top of my head. I think he’s beginning to worry, I haven’t said a word since we left the court house hours ago.
I was quiet for a few minutes just relaxing in the warmth of Decker’s body. Just feeling safe for a few minutes. Trying to figure out how I was going to say what I needed to say.
“There’s a surgery I can get. It will erase most of the scaring and replace the nipples.” I finally said as goose pimples puckered my arms.
Rubbing his hands up and down my arms as if he was trying to warm me up. “Why didn’t they do it back when the attack first happened?”
“There was too much damage and the surgery was fairly new and they weren’t sure if it would work.”
It was true there was too much damage. Hell back then they thought they were going to have to remove the breast themselves because Brian had done so much damage. The one and only thing Brian’s parents did was to bring in a top rated plastic surgeon. Flew him in from Hollywood or somewhere out there in California and paid for the corrective surgery. He was able to save my breast but the scaring and the missing nipples couldn’t be corrected at that time.
“So why haven’t you done it yet?”
“Insurance won’t cover it. It’s an elective surgery at this point. It cost fifteen grand. I’ve never had the money to do it,” I say quietly.
“Baby, I gave you a bank account why didn’t you use that money?”
I shook my head. I know he’s not going to be happy with what I’m about to say. “I haven’t touched a penny of that money. It all still sits there. I kept my other bank account and all my paychecks go in there. Plus if I used it, it meant I would have to tell you and I never wanted to do that.”
I hated that Decker knew the whole ugly truth. I hated that now everyone knew the whole ugly truth. But the one thing I feared the most, Decker walking away from me, didn’t happen. He’s still here.
“Wouldn’t it have been easier if you told me, then me finding out the way I did.”
“Yeah, I suppose. But I still hate that you know. I’m afraid you’re gonna turn and run like everyone else.”
I wouldn’t be able to stand it if he did walk away from me. Everyone else has and if Decker left— I shudder even just thinking about what would happen if Decker walked away from me.
“Baby, I’m not going anywhere. It doesn’t bother me. You want to leave it the way it is, than leave it. You want to have the surgery then we’ll find you the best surgeon and get it done. Whatever you want to do we’ll do it.”
