Broken Angel

by Lee Heaven

  “Nothing. I’m just so happy.” I smiled up at him, hoping my answer satisfied his curiosity. He just nodded at me and went back to watching the show that was happening before us. For the next twelve days I needed to keep my mind on just us and nothing else. Keep my mind on loving my husband.

  Chapter 21

  What could I say about the last fourteen months? I went from being abused, broke, and jobless to a job that pays way more than I ever expected, richer than I ever could have imagined and loved beyond anything I ever could have dreamed or felt.

  I was given a life, a wedding, and a honeymoon I only dreamed of before. A husband who loves me no matter what my flaws are. Who loves me despite my scars and my shithole of a past. Who loves me even with the nightmares and the times I wake up screaming and crying. Who holds me and cradles me as I cry past the panic.

  My beautiful, sexy, gorgeous husband does everything he can to please me every day without ever asking for anything but my love in return. Just to make me smile he will bring home a flower or piece of chocolate every day for me.

  He’ll actually sit on the floor and will play Barbies or Legos or some other little girl game with my daughter. Don’t tell anybody but I even caught him having a tea party one day with her, tiaras, pinkie raised and all. He loves that little girl like she was his own. Spoils the crap out of her to, but that’s another secret I’m not suppose to know about.

  It’s New Year’s Day and I stand at the sink washing crystal stemware from the party we had the night before. There must be at least three hundred glasses. Decker said the catering company would do it, but I needed to do something. My stomach has been flip flopping all morning; I think I had way too much to drink last night. I needed to do something to get my mind off my stomach. So here I stand washing glasses.

  A few times I thought I would have to run to the bathroom to throw up but after a few deep breaths I was able to subside the feeling. I have to remind Decker to not let me drink so much. I was never one who was able to hold her liquor. I’m surprised I didn’t pass out last night or even worse throw up in the middle of the floor.

  Thinking back I’m not really sure how much I had to drink. I thought it was only two glasses of champagne and a glass of whatever that was that Tyler made, it was really gross by the way, I think he called it a rainbow something. It was multiple colors of different liquors. But that’s it right, just those three drinks? I don’t remember.

  I really don’t feel good. It’s getting worse then it was this morning. It’s not just a sick feeling I have, my stomach is actual cramping. I’m slightly sweaty and probably a little pale. My head is spinning and a few times I even had to grab onto the counter as I thought that I might actually fall over. Maybe I picked up a stomach bug or the flu somewhere. Maybe I should go lie down and take a nap for a little while.

  Yeah that’s what I need to do. I need to take a nap. Maybe I’ll feel better after I get some rest. God knows after everyone left it must have been four in the morning by the time my head hit the pillow and then Josie had me up at seven-thirty. So what that’s like three, three and a half hours of sleep. I’m not that young any more, pulling all nighters is out of the question.

  Turning the drain on the sink plug I let the water drain and head toward the living room. Decker, Jimmy, Tobias, and Tyler are sitting on the couch watching ESPN. Men and their sports, ugh. Josie is snuggled into Tobias’s lap playing with one of her many dogs. Chrissy, Maggie, and Chelsea are at the card table playing poker. I bet Chelsea is winning. I’ll never tell the other girls but she can count cards, it’s why I never play with her, I know better than to lose my money to her.

  “Sarah, are you ok?” Jimmy asked straitening in his seat and a look of concern running across his face as I walked through the living room toward the bedroom.

  Decker turns around on the couch to look at me, the look on his face says it all, I must look how I feel and that was not good at all. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  “I don’t feel that well. I think I’m gonna go take…ugh.” I grabbed my stomach in pain. I felt my legs give out and just before everything went black I saw Decker jumping over the back of the couch.

  “Bp is seventy-five over forty-five.”

  “She’s seizing again.”

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beeee….

  “Flat line…”

  “Starting compressions…”

  “Charging one hundred…clear…”

  “Charging two hundred…clear…”

  “Pushing amp of epi…”

  Beep, beep, beep, beep

  “Let’s get her on the stretcher and go.”

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…

  “Mr. Jensen, please step back we need to help your wife.”

  “What is wrong with her? Why does she keep having seizures?”

  “We’re running every test we can. Do you know your wife’s medical history?”

  “Only some…”

  “Good that’s a start. Please go with the nurse so you can fill out the paperwork.”

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beeee…

  “Code blue. Code blue”

  “Starting compressions…”

  “Charging one hundred…clear…”

  “Charging two hundred…clear…”

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…

  That pain in my stomach seems to have disappeared. However I’m surrounded by darkness and everything is fuzzy. I can’t seem to open my eyes or move my arms. Where is Decker? I need him. I need him to help me. I’m so scared.

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…

  “When do suspect she might wake up? Do we know what caused all this?”

  “Mr. Jensen, your wife will wake up when her body is ready. We’re still running a few more tests to be certain. She hasn’t seized in twelve hours which is a good sign. Now it’s just a waiting game.”

  “Baby, please open your eyes. Come on, baby, come back to me.” Sniff, sniff, sniff.

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…

  “Are you serious? You have to be kidding?”

  “No, sir, I’m not. Look right here. Do you see?”

  “I do. But what happened? Why did this happen to her?”

  “Sir the body does…”

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…

  “Sweetheart, come on open your eyes for your mom and dad.”

  “Baby, we’re all here, come on open your eyes for us.”

  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep….

  ~~~

  Opening my eyes I stared at the bright florescent light above me, blinking a few times to remove the halo affect it has. Looking to my left I saw a scary looking machine that was making a lot of beeping noise, I wish someone would turn it off, it’s driving me insane.

  Turning my head to the right I could see Decker’s head resting on his folded arms on the side of the bed. His eyes are closed but I can still see the big black circles under them. My arm is so weak, I can barely move it to try and touch him.

  I go to talk but there’s something in my throat. Oh God there’s a tube sticking out of my mouth and one coming out of my nose. Panic! No, no not again. I can’t have been attacked again. No, no, no! Oh God, oh God.

  My chest is starting to burn. I need to get these tubes out. I can’t breathe. I start to kick and moan. Decker springs awake just as my hand pulls the tape that is holding the tube in my mouth in place.

  “Baby, no leave it alone. Don’t. I’ll get the doctor,” he says pressing the call button on the remote sitting on the bed and telling the nurses I was awake. “Baby, look at me. Calm down. I’m right here.” Taking my hands and pulling them away from my face.

  Tears of fear were rolling down my face when a young handsome doctor comes strolling in followed by two nurses dressed in pink scrubs. Hello! I’m panickin
g here! Why do doctors always act like there is nothing going on?

  “Good morning, Mrs. Jensen. I’m Dr. Marc Knight, but you can call me Marc. It’s good to finally have you back. Your husband here has told us you suffer from panic attacks and I can tell by your eye movement one is starting. Am I correct?”

  I nod my head as tears continued to roll down the sides of my face soaking my pillow. Decker’s holding my right hand tightly up to his lips.

  “Ok, just relax. We’ll get these tubes out of you in a second. This one in your mouth is a breathing tube,” he said as he disconnected it from the beeping machine “Take a deep breath and on the count of three exhale. You may gag, that is normal. Ready. One…two…three.”

  Dr. Marc pulled on the tube as I exhaled. One of the nurses held a tub under my chin ready to catch anything that may come out. The other nurse has a pitcher of ice chips and places it on the table next to my head. I was gagging as he pulls out the tube he then dropped it into the tub. I was ready to throw up I was gagging so hard.

  “This one in your nose is a feeding tube. I’m going to disconnect it from the machine but I’m going to leave it in for a little while longer, just in case it is needed. It won’t interfere with talking or any ice chips.”

  “I need to pee,” I said in a very raspy, dry throat voice.

  “You have a catheter in,” Dr. Marc stated while making notes on a clip board. I must have made a face because he said, “It’s ok, its normal procedure. We’ll take it out in a few hours when you’re strong enough to move on your own.”

  “What happened? Please tell me I wasn’t attacked again,” I rasped out turning to Decker.

  “Oh God no, baby. I would never let you be attacked again. You weren’t I swear,” Decker said with tears in his eyes.

  “Are you sure?” I asked crying “Please don’t lie to me.”

  “Baby, I’m not lying. You weren’t attacked.”

  “What’s the last thing you remember, ma’am?” Dr. Marc asked.

  “Please call me, Sarah, ma’am is my mother. I remember New Year’s Eve. There must have been two hundred people at our house. You kissed me at midnight; I’ve never been kissed at midnight before.” I smiled at Decker and he kissed the back of my hand that he was holding.

  “You’ve been out for ninety-six hours. You’ve had multiple seizures. You flat lined twice,” Dr. Marc stated bluntly.

  Wow talk about scarring the crap out of someone. That line did it totally. My chest was burning and I was in all out run for my life mode. I totally would have run if my legs would have connected with my brain and actually moved.

  “You mean I actually died twice!” I gasped.

  Holy crap I died twice. That would make it four times that I’ve died in my life. I flat lined twice after my attack years ago and now twice more. What the hell? Am I a damn cat with nine lives or something?

  “Baby, you scared the shit out of me.” Decker gasped while squeezing my hand tighter.

  “What caused it?”

  “You were anemic. Which means…” Dr. Marc started.

  “I know what anemic means,” I interrupted him. “I was anemic before when I was…”I gasped and turned to Decker.

  Decker nodded at me. His eyes filled with worry but were sparkling with so much love and joy.

  “But I was told it was all but impossible,” tears sprang to my eyes.

  “You will be high risk. You will need to take extreme precautions and will be given strict guidelines...” Dr. Marc continued talking but I tuned him out as soon as Decker handed me an ultrasound picture that was sitting on the table.

  How is this possible? I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant again. I had less than a two percent chance of getting pregnant. But now I am. Look at the joy and love in his face. He’s beaming. Am I beaming? What is the look on my face? It’s so overwhelming.

  I’ve been out for four days. I died twice. I had seizures. And now, now I’m pregnant. Now I’m having a baby. No wait, I’m having Decker’s baby.

  “Wait!” I gasped looking at the ultrasound and interrupting Dr. Marc from whatever he was talking about. “Is this what I think it is?”

  “Yes, baby. It is. Twins.”

  Twins! I’m having twins! Oh my God. I think I’m going to pass out again. How is this even possible? Oh how am I even going to be able to handle twins? We’re going to need more help. We’re going to need more space. Oh God, what if I get post-partum depression again?

  Joy and panic all at once. My mind racing in different directions and I’m scared shitless.

  “We’re gonna need a bigger place and someone to help Maggie,” I said in order to try and calm myself.

  Decker looked like he was trying to hide something and bite his lip. Finally he said, “I know, baby. We’ll get it all worked out with plenty of time left for nesting. I think I found a place, we’ll go look at it once you are allowed out of here.”

  Leave it to my husband to figure everything out while everyone else is panicking.

  “You thought of all of it while I was out of it?” I questioned Decker.

  “Baby, when it comes to your safety and your happiness, it’s the only thing I think of,” Decker said.

  Suddenly a thought came into my mind and I knew it would be perfect. “Decker, what about this? I’m sure with the babies on the way you’re going to want Jimmy and the rest of the security to do more hours. So why don’t we just find a big enough place that has enough room for Jimmy and Chelsea. Then he can be there twenty-four-seven and we can take Chelsea on as a second nanny.”

  “That’s a wonderful idea. I’ll call Jimmy and have them come over and we can talk to them about it. Plus I’m sure they’re gonna wanna see you, Jimmy’s been lost without you to protect.”

  Finally returning my attention back to the doctor, “Will I be able to deliver naturally or have to have a c-section?”

  Dr. Marc went on to explain that that would need to be determined when the time came. While every pregnancy is different, carrying multiples is no different than only one baby. He did go on to explain that I was going to be high risk so there was a very good chance that I would need a c-section.

  I voiced my concern about post-partum depression and explained that after I had Josie I had suffered badly, to the point where I had thought of suicide. I also told him about the attempted suicides when I was younger and started to explain my attack when Decker put his hand on my shoulder.

  “I already told him about everything. However, why didn’t you tell me about being depressed after Josie was born?”

  I shrugged. I mean really like my life before him wasn’t bad enough to add more depressing stuff to what he already knew. He’d probably run faster than anything. But then again he did know the worst of my life, the worst of everything and he didn’t run. He stayed and still told me he loved me. He stayed and asked me to marry him. He even married me knowing the worst.

  “Did you have a support system back then?” Dr. Marc asked.

  “I didn’t know what support was for fifteen years before I met Decker,” I said never taking my eyes off him. “I was in a mentally abusive relationship, taking care of my step-kids who hated me and suffered from PTSD. From the day I brought by daughter home till almost a year ago when I moved in with Decker I did everything on my own.”

  “Well no wonder. Hormones do a lot to a woman after pregnancy and to have no help with any aspects in your life and already having mental health problem it was only evident it would have happen. I’m surprised your doctor didn’t say anything. But with what looks like a wonderful support system now, we can attack it before it happens again. But we’ll worry about that when the time comes. Right now our concern is taking care of your health and those babies,” Dr. Marc said.

  Decker wiped the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. Happy tears! He then planted a kiss on each of my eyelids. I think if it wasn’t for the IVs sticking out of my arms and the doctor leering over us I would have jumped him right there.


  I had never felt more love then I did from Decker. I was giving him a baby, our very own baby. Wait make that babies! Two! I will get to feel my belly swell and all the wonderful joys of the pregnancy.

  My life is finally mine and I am fulfilled and loved with the man of my dreams.

  Epilogue

  It’s been fifteen years since I stood in this room. Fifteen wonderful years. Years filled with lots of love, smiles, laughter, and some sorrow. Now here I stand with my beautiful daughter and she is about to wed the man of her dreams. She is about to walk down the same aisle I did.

  “You look beautiful, baby girl,” I told her as I helped button the back of her dress.

  “Oh Mom, when are you going to stop calling me that? I’m twenty-one years old. I’m no longer your baby girl,” Josie says dramatically rolling her eyes.

  “You will always be my baby girl no matter how old you are.” I smiled at her through the mirror she was staring into.

  “I wish Daddy was here to see me,” she frowned. Shawn had passed away in a car accident about two years ago. Josie was in the car with him and was thankfully only injured with a broken arm and seat belt burn. However, the cute young medical intern she met that day is about to become her husband.

  “I know, baby girl.” I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed as tight as I could. She turned out to be a beautiful young woman. Hair golden as sun shine and sparkling brown eyes like Shawn had. Shawn and I may have had our issues but we always agreed on how to raise Josie and we never put our issues in front of her after the night he beat me. Josie grew up knowing her parents loved her so much that to give her the best life possible they couldn’t be together.

  Olivia Page joined me in hugging Josie. She was a spitting image of her father except she had my blue eyes. “Mom, if you two don’t knock it off you’re gonna have us crying and then everyone’s makeup is going to be ruined. And I do not want to have to do my makeup again.” Spoken like the true fourteen year old she was.