A Corner of My Heart

by Mark Seaman

  Then again, if by some miracle she hadn’t wanted to let me go or had been forced to give me up then perhaps we’re being given this second chance to build a proper relationship and to sort our differences before it’s too late.

  Mum and Dad said the nuns didn’t really talk about Ruth when they adopted me. They told them she had been like a lot of other young girls who came into their care with no real family of her own and a liking for the boys and not particular about the company she kept.

  “To be honest, Mary, we were just grateful for the chance to have you in our lives and that she didn’t fight to keep you.”

  Dad smiled in agreement.

  “That’s right, we were told only the basics about her. That she was a young girl who, like so many others, had got herself into trouble and didn’t have the resources or the wherewithal to care for her baby. That’s why she turned to the nuns for help, and to find a proper home for her child.”

  Mum looked at me. “If we’re honest we didn’t really think about her, we just wanted you to be our daughter. Her apparent mistake, however it had come about, was our blessing and that’s all we really cared about. I’m sorry if that sounds selfish, but it’s true.”

  Dad put his arm around Mum’s shoulder to comfort her as he could see she was becoming upset.

  “And we reasoned that if she’d really wanted to keep you she would have found a way and not gone to the nuns in the first place, or allowed us to adopt you.”

  He was right of course, and none of what they said painted the picture of a caring young woman who having made a mistake then fought to keep her baby as I had done with Jenny.

  I suppose in those days it might have been harder to care for a baby if you didn’t have the support of a loving family to help you. There had been no history offered to Dad and Mum about Ruth’s upbringing or her parents, nor in how they might have reacted to their daughter’s pregnancy. Perhaps my father was only a young lad himself and didn’t fancy the responsibilities of bringing up a child, or threatened to abandon Ruth if she had decided to keep me.

  After all Gerry made it very clear that he didn’t want me to have Jenny, or for him to have any part in her upbringing if I did choose to go ahead with the pregnancy.

  It won’t be easy though, telling Mum and Dad if I do decide to go ahead and meet with Ruth. I think Mum was secretly hoping I might get a simple letter explaining the basics, and find she lived in Australia or somewhere so far away that I would never actually get the opportunity to spend time with her. With my first letter I had been told to send it via the adoption agencies and that they would pass it on to her in case she didn’t want any further contact and could say a simple no to my request in her reply. But her response was the complete opposite, saying that she had been really pleased to hear from me and would be more than happy for me to contact her directly the next time if I wanted to. I looked at her address and noticed it was less than a ninety miles away which shocked me for a moment and left me unsure again as to what to do next. I hadn’t expected her to be so close and for a while my desire for information turned to fear realising that the woman whose existence I had tried to ignore for so many years lived less than half a day away by car or train.

  I wrestled with this fact for a few days, but eventually realised I did need to say yes and to meet with her if only to learn the truth of what had happened all those years ago, no matter how difficult or unpalatable that truth might be for me to hear. Much as I resented what she had done, how could I totally condemn her actions without hearing her side of the story? If I was to have my say then she deserved the same courtesy, or at least that was what I told myself for now.

  What if she had experienced the same lack of support from my father, as I had with Gerry? Could I allow the anger and resentment I had held towards her for so long to continue if that was the case? And what if she’d been left alone to fend for herself after falling pregnant? How could I continue to condemn her, especially knowing how blessed and grateful I had been for the love and support poured out on me by James and Carol over the years?

  I remember Gerry’s reaction the night I told him I was pregnant.

  “You’re bloody what? Well it can’t be mine ’cause I always use a rubber you know that.”

  “And what about that night you didn’t use anything?”

  “I told you at the time it was hardly anything and I wasn’t even right inside you by then either. You can’t have got pregnant from that little bit.”

  “It might not have been much but I felt it alright. It was warm and it seemed like it was deep inside me.”

  “It can’t be mine. Bloody hell it was only the once.”

  “You can deny it as much as you like Gerry but the truth is I’m pregnant, and you’re the only boy I’ve ever had sex with so it is yours and that’s that.”

  “You must have shagged someone else, ’cause I still don’t reckon you can have got a bun in the oven from that small amount; that’s if any did get in there in the first place whatever you say.”

  “I’ve told you, I’ve never done it with anyone else you know that. I only agreed to have sex with you because you said it would bring us closer, and I thought you might go off with someone else if I didn’t. You know I never really wanted to do it in the first place.”

  “That’s bollocks, you like your rumpy pumpy as much as I do and don’t tell me any different, otherwise why would you have been up for it every time your mum and dad went out eh?”

  “It was you that wanted to do it not me.”

  “Oh so it was all my fault was it? What are you saying, that you never enjoyed it ever?”

  “No I’m not saying that, of course there were times when it was nice. I just wish we’d never started to do it in the first place and that was down to you. I don’t like lying to Mum and Dad either.”

  We stared at each other in silence for a moment.

  “I’m sorry if you think I’m being unreasonable Gerry or that I led you along. I liked you and wanted to please you. Like I said I didn’t want you going off with someone else and doing it with them if I didn’t.”

  Gerry looked at me, frustration and anger showing in his eyes. “Bloody wish I had gone off with someone else now, at least I wouldn’t have had all this crap to deal with.”

  After that our conversation just descended into an all out argument that neither of us was going to win, not until I made the announcement I wanted to keep the baby.

  “I’m not having an abortion and that’s final, we may have made a mistake but it’s not the baby’s fault and I intend to have it and to keep it.”

  Gerry’s mood changed immediately as the potential of prospective fatherhood took its terrifying hold on him.

  “Now listen, girl, we may not agree about me being the father and all, but if you have it and name me as its Dad that’ll be both of our lives buggered, and I’m not ready to exchange my fags and my dancing shoes for a pair of slippers and a pipe, know what I mean?”

  I smiled at him, but it was a smile of pity not empathy as I recognised, perhaps for the first time, what a weak and pathetic individual he truly was.

  “Don’t worry, Gerry, I can’t think of anyone I would like less to be involved in the birth and upbringing of my baby than you.”

  He thought for a moment about protesting, but then realised I had given him a way out of accepting any responsibility for our baby.

  “Yeah well that’s just as well, ’cause like I say I’m not ready to take on some sprog that I’m still not sure is mine anyway. What about your parents, what are you going to tell them when they start asking questions?”

  “I’ll tell them the truth. I’ll say we made a mistake and I got pregnant, but that I don’t want you to be any part of the baby’s life, either now or in the future.”

  “Can’t see your dad accepting that.”

  “Don’t you worry abo
ut my dad, he’ll be more concerned about me than he will you. Although he may just consider killing you of course.” I smiled to myself enjoying Gerry’s obvious discomfort as he considered the prospect of trying to appease my father and explaining as to what exactly we had been doing on those nights when he and Mum were out. After all they had trusted him to honour his promise not to do anything with, or to, their precious daughter that he might later regret. Gerry looked at me and shook his head. “I don’t…”

  I interrupted, not really interested in what he had to say at that moment.

  “Well he’s hardly likely to congratulate you, is he? Of course he’s going to be angry with you, Gerry, probably even more than I am, but like I say I know that both he and Mum will be more concerned about me and my decision to keep the baby than they will be about you and your pathetic excuses.”

  “So what are you saying, that he’ll give me a smack and tell me to piss off, is that it?”

  “No I don’t think he’ll do that, but I am pretty sure he will accept my view that this baby will have a better chance in life without you around, although I’m equally sure he’ll want you to help with the costs until it’s older.” I knew Dad would insist on Gerry meeting his legal obligations and pay something towards Jenny’s upkeep as she grew, certainly until she was twenty one. Although I’d told Gerry he wouldn’t hit him I also reasoned it would be difficult in keeping Dad away from him, certainly once he discovered it was him who’d got me pregnant. However, I was also sure I couldn’t present this weak and self-seeking individual to my parents as the father of what was to become their first grandchild and tell them that he was the only man for me. I realised now what a terrible mistake I had made in even going out with Gerry, let alone sleeping with him. I knew my parents, especially Dad, would feel the same and ask what I could have been thinking about in allowing myself to become pregnant by such a pathetic excuse for a man.

  As suspected, Dad was furious and did insist on Gerry meeting his full financial responsibilities with regards to Jenny’s upbringing, even if he couldn’t manage to get him to meet his moral obligations as well.

  “I trusted you with the well-being of our daughter, and even though she is equally accountable for what has happened it is you I hold ultimately responsible. Yes I know it takes two to tango, but I’ll tell you this, even though I was a young man myself once I don’t remember any of my early girlfriends asking me to do what you did with our Mary. It’s always been the man who tries his luck first and it always will be, and that’s why I believe her when she says it was you who promoted the idea of having sex and not the other way round. Luckily for you Mary has told us she doesn’t want anymore to do with you, and that’s about the only thing that’s stopping me from knocking your block off right now.” Gerry moved to speak but Dad interrupted. “And before you make matters worse for yourself by trying to tell me any different I should think again and keep your lips firmly closed, that’s if you don’t want them split, okay?”

  I’d never seen Dad so angry and knew I should also remain silent, thankfully Gerry decided to do the same. Dad went on to tell him he would arrange for a solicitor to contact him informing him as to how the money for maintenance was to be paid. I was grateful for that and knew Dad would continue to help and oversee that side of things in the months to come. Gerry’s pitiable reaction later when were alone only confirmed my thoughts about him as a man and potential father for our baby.

  “He better not speak to me like that again or he’ll be sorry, yeah, I don’t let anybody get away with slagging me off like that.”

  I smiled sarcastically. “I’m sure Dad will be relieved to know that. So are you going to tell him you won’t be paying anything towards the baby’s keep as well then?”

  Gerry shrugged his shoulders not really knowing how to answer as he struggled to maintain his mask of false bravado.

  “I’ll do what I have to, but it’s a lot of aggravation for a couple of minute’s pleasure.” He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. “I still don’t reckon it’s mine.”

  We stood for a moment in silence, any sense of lingering affection between us finally gone.

  “Goodbye Gerry.”

  Turning to leave he sneered. “You know what I’m pleased it’s over between us ’cause you weren’t much of a shag anyway. Not as good as some of the other birds I’ve been with.”

  In those two short sentences Gerry had epitomised all my worst suspicions about him, making me wish I had seen through the paper thin veneer of his character earlier, even before going out with him, and certainly before agreeing to sleep with him.

  I explained to Mum and Dad again about my feelings towards Gerry and not wanting him to be involved in any part of my pregnancy or in the upbringing of my child, their grandchild.

  “I know I shouldn’t have slept with him, but having made one mistake with Gerry already I don’t want to make another one by having him be a part of this baby’s life.”

  Although I knew they agreed with my decision about Gerry I still recognised this was painful for them to hear.

  “I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you both like this, but I know Gerry isn’t the one for me and I certainly know I don’t want him to be a father to this child.”

  Dad, especially at first, had been upset to think that his little girl could let them both down in such a way, but in the end agreed that we would make the best of things as a family without Gerry’s involvement. That was, apart from his monthly payments towards Jenny’s expenses and future, Dad was adamant about that and wasn’t going to back down on Gerry’s financial responsibilities towards her. I couldn’t argue differently. Bringing up a baby is an expensive business and I certainly couldn’t expect my parents to foot the bill, nor would I have wanted them to, but even here Gerry failed us. The first couple of agreed payments arrived, albeit late, and then on the third month nothing. Our solicitor informed us that, following enquiries, he had discovered Gerry had apparently left home without any forwarding address and that without one it would prove difficult to gain any further payments, at least in the immediate future.

  Gerry had made the first couple of payments in cash as he didn’t have a bank account which meant the solicitor couldn’t readily trace him to access any future monies.

  Dad went to speak to Gerry’s parents, but they were equally unhelpful saying that if I hadn’t been so promiscuous in leading their son astray he might still have been living at home and not felt the need to leave after being hounded to make payments towards a child who’s birth he had reasonably suggested might be terminated earlier to save everyone a lot of pain, trouble and expense. They even suggested Gerry had only agreed to help initially because of his feelings towards me and his generous nature. “Our Gerry’s a good lad and wanted to help, but paying out for all those years towards a kid he wasn’t sure was really his just didn’t seem fair and so he’s decided to make a fresh start somewhere else. He was so upset and desperate to get away from all this he hasn’t even told us where he’s gone.”

  I’m not sure Dad believed that particular story and got really angry with Gerry’s father, almost coming to blows, with Mum having to call the police who advised them both to calm down and leave the matter in their hands.

  “We will continue in our investigations to locate him Mr Rowland and once we do we will remind him of his legal obligations as far as the support of your daughter’s child is concerned. In the meantime, you and Mr Porter threatening each other is not going to help the situation. We can understand your frustration but you really need to leave the investigation as to his son’s whereabouts to us.”

  I’m not sure whether the police had some sympathy for what Mr Porter had said or they weren’t really interested in finding Gerry but we never heard from him again. And after a few months the updates from the police in how their efforts to find him were proceeding also became less frequent until in the end we gave up on ever hearing
from Gerry again and just got on with ours, and Jenny’s life.

  Ten

  After the war I went back to Guernsey, but the tailoring business had gone. The Germans had changed the papers about ownership and had sold it on. The shop itself had become a food store, and the flat above that we used to rent out had been turned into storage and office space. There was nothing left for me. The new owners were very nice, but said they had bought the business in good faith, including the lease on the flat. They obviously felt sorry for me and gave me a little money to keep me going but, in truth, I think this was more to salve their own conscious than as to any form of real recompense.

  “We’re really sorry to hear about what happened to you and your family and that we can’t do anymore for you but this is our business and future now. As we told you we paid a lot of money for the lease and all that goes with it.”

  Painful though it was, I understood and was grateful for the small gift of money they offered as I had no financial reserves of my own.

  The Germans had stolen everything from us in the years previously, and in taking the lives of my parents and brother in such horrific circumstances along with our home and business I was left with nothing but memories, and even here they only served to remind me of all that I had lost.

  I stayed on Guernsey for a while working in a hotel but, as I’d been quite young when I first left the Island along with the rest of the Jewish community living there, there was nobody I really knew anymore and so felt no real sense of loyalty to remain, nor in seeking to build a new life for myself there. After a while just being on the island made me think more and more of my parents and brother and what had happened to them and so I decided to move back to England. I arrived in the spring of 1946 returning initially to North London. There were some former friends of my parents, Mr and Mrs Goldblum, still living there, who were pleased to see me and made me welcome in their home.