A Corner of My Heart

by Mark Seaman

  “Please trust me, Mum,” I said, pulling back a little. “I never want to leave what Jenny and I have here; you and Dad mean everything to both of us.” My body shivered involuntarily as I shrugged my shoulders. “I just…” It was my turn to be at a loss for words.

  She looked at me with tears filling her eyes. “I know love, it’s alright. You do what you need to; the two of us will always be here for you; for the both of you.”

  As I walked back to my room I became acutely aware this had been a truth I had secretly wanted to know from the first day I had discovered, even as a young girl, that I had been adopted. I hadn’t been able to express it then of course, nor in the years that followed; not until today. I wasn’t sure whether it had been from fear of hurting Mum or Dad or in my potentially hearing something that might upset me, but none of that bothered me now. Mum had given me her and Dad’s approval and permission to seek answers to those very real questions that had burnt within me for so long and I knew I couldn’t let the opportunity pass me by. I also knew that, whilst I was no longer afraid of asking those difficult questions, I still had to be prepared for the answers. Was I truly ready for what she might have to say or what I might discover? I felt my body like my courage quake a little as I made my way upstairs. But even with these slight misgivings running through my head I was still determined to grasp this chance and finally face those dark recurring thoughts and ghosts that had troubled me for so many years; prayerfully laying them to rest once and for all. I took a deep breath as I recognised that in having taken this first tentative step, there was no turning back now.

  Twelve

  Mr. Taylor sent a car for me on the first day I began working for his family. I was grateful for this as I had envisaged having to carry my case and other belongings half way across town on the bus. Mrs Taylor was at the door to greet me. She wore a bright yellow dress with a pristine white cardigan buttoned up at the front. I noticed her hair fell free beyond her shoulders and down her back, very different from our first meeting when she had worn it swept up high. She looked equally as beautiful as before and I envied her her natural good looks and confident manner.

  “Leave your case here in the hall for a moment, Ruth, and come through to the sitting room where I have a pot of tea waiting.”

  The sitting room itself was warm and welcoming with two large arm chairs set either side of a polished marble fireplace which had a clock placed in the centre along with a few family photographs on either side. The sun shone through a long window opposite and threw a bright and cheery glow across the deep blue carpet which felt soft and giving beneath my feet. Mrs Taylor gestured for me to sit as she poured the tea.

  “We hope you will be very happy living here with us, Ruth, dear, as I am sure we will be with you. I have taken the liberty of placing a small posy of flowers in your room to welcome you, I hope you like them?”

  “Thank you, that’s very kind.”

  Although Mrs Taylor couldn’t have been friendlier in her welcome I still felt my back stiffen with nerves as I sought to present myself in the best possible light to my new employer.

  “I have arranged for Elizabeth to play with a friend who lives nearby after finishing school today so as to allow you time to unpack and meet the rest of the staff. Hopefully you will be able to settle in a little before she arrives home and assumes full control of your time as she surely will. She is very excited about you joining us; indeed she hasn’t stopped talking about you since your first visit. She has already made a list of games she wants to play with you along with all of the names of her dolls so you can learn them.” Mrs Taylor placed a cup of tea on the small side table next to my chair.

  “Elizabeth is a lovely little girl, Ruth, as you will discover for yourself. However, she can also be rather dominant at times, often demanding her own way, especially when faced with the prospect of an alternative idea to a suggestion or proposition of her own. She is quite happy to stand her ground no matter how reasonable that suggestion or request may have been expressed to her.”

  I smiled, feeling slightly embarrassed and not really knowing how to respond as I lifted the cup to my lips. Mrs Taylor sensed my nerves and affirmed me with a smile of her own.

  “I tell you this because I want you to know from the start that you have our full blessing to exercise your own wisdom and authority with regards to such matters or indeed to any differences of opinion that may arise between the two of you. This is particularly true regarding issues such as an appropriate time for bed, or as to how much jam she is allowed to spread on her toast. Elizabeth always takes too much and then ends up spreading it on herself or her clothing rather than on the bread itself. Her dresses tend to spend more time in the wash than they do on her.”

  I smiled again, sipping at my tea, still a little unsure as how best to react.

  “Thank you and I’ll remember what you’ve said. Hopefully we will get along well.”

  “I’m sure you will but she also needs to know from the outset that you are the adult in the relationship. With that in mind, please do feel free to approach either Robert or myself for a final decision about any particular issue or concern you may have with Elizabeth should you find yourself at loggerheads with her on some occasion or if she becomes overtly difficult or demanding in some way. To be honest, and between you and I, you would be better to speak to me whenever possible as Robert can be rather autocratic when dealing with concerns over Elizabeth. He tends to forget she is a little girl and not one of his bank employees willing to respond with due deference to his every whim and instruction.” She laughed as if to reassure me.

  “But I’m sure none of that will be necessary with you, Ruth, as I have no doubt you and Elizabeth will soon set about building your own bond of trust and respect for each other. It will probably be Robert and I who will feel left out with the two of you plotting against us.”

  “We would never do that, I am sure. I wouldn’t dream of doing anything to displease you or go behind your back in any way, Mrs Taylor, I promise you.”

  “I am sure you wouldn’t, Ruth, I was only joking with you. Indeed I am hopeful you will prove to be the sobering influence on our daughter that I feel she has required for some time now.”

  “I’ll certainly do my best for you both, and for young Elizabeth.”

  “Of that I’m sure, my dear, but I am equally convinced there will be days when Elizabeth, no matter how sweet she may appear to be, may also become rather too possessive or demanding of your time. And so I am simply saying that on such occasions you have the right to say no to her. Mrs Bradley, our previous nanny had exuded the same confidence as you when she first joined us, but soon became grateful for the authority afforded her with regards to having the final say over some of our daughter’s, occasionally, unreasonable demands. Although, as I say I am hopeful that won’t prove to be the case with you, but one can never quite dismiss the possibility where our dear Elizabeth is concerned.” She smiled at me again. “That said, she is an absolute joy to be around for much of the time as you will discover for yourself. It is just that she also needs reminding of certain boundaries within a relationship from time to time. This is part of the reason Robert and I decided on trying for another baby so that she will come to realise the world does not simply revolve around her.” She laughed again. “Mind you, to see Robert with her at times you might be forgiven in wondering as to which one of them is actually the grown up? She appears able to wrap him around her finger whenever she chooses despite his protestations. I wonder at times if it’s because he feels guilty for not spending more time with her through the demands of his work, or as I said earlier it is more the fact that she doesn’t respond to him in the manner that one of his employees at the bank might? Whichever it is I do feel Elizabeth has a much better grasp on the rules of engagement within their relationship at times than he does, only please don’t tell him I said that.”

  The two of us laughed t
ogether sharing the humour of the moment.

  “I really do think we are going to get on very well you and I.” She smiled at me again, placing her cup and saucer on the tray and getting to her feet. “

  “Now, don’t let me keep you any longer, or Elizabeth will be home and you won’t even have had time to unpack your case.” She moved to a chord hanging by the mantle above the fireplace and pulled on it. A few moments later there was a knock on the door and Nelly entered, bright and bubbly as ever. “You rang, Mrs Taylor?”

  “Yes, thank you, Nelly. This is Ruth our new nanny; I think the two of you met when she came for her interview?”

  “Yes, Mam.”

  “That’s good. Please would you show her to her room and then take her downstairs to meet the rest of the staff once she’s unpacked her belongings?”

  Mrs Taylor offered me her hand and I remember thinking how soft her skin was.

  “I’ll speak to you soon Ruth and certainly once Elizabeth gets home.”

  Nelly winked at me as we left the room and nodded towards the front door.

  “Don’t forget your case.”

  “Thanks.”

  I smiled to myself as I picked up my case and walked towards Nelly who was waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. “What would Mama and Papa say if they could see me now,” I thought, “a nanny to a rich family in a big London house?” I heard Nelly’s voice waken me from my daydream.

  “You coming or what?”

  “Sorry, I was just thinking about something.”

  We started our climb together up the winding stairs; they were so wide that we were able to walk side by side. The plush stair carpet was a deep red with different coloured swirls in it and very different from the almost threadbare covering on the narrow creaky stairs at my bedsit.

  “She’s alright is Mrs T. You do right by her and she’ll do right by you.”

  Nelly appeared to refer to everyone by their surname initials alone.

  “What about Mr Taylor?”

  “Bit of a stuffed shirt, if you ask me. Still I suppose that’s what bank managers are like, you know, full of their own importance and not caring much about the likes of you and me.” She stopped for a moment. “To be honest I don’t have a lot to do with him. The only person he seems to bother with is Mr D, his driver, and he can be a bit of a bugger at times. Mind, Mrs D is lovely and a smashing cook an’ all.” She smiled as we continued our climb. “Get on the right side of her and you’ll never go hungry, nor want to either, what she can’t cook ain’t worth eating believe me.”

  “I’ve already tasted one of her cakes when I was here for my interview so I know what you mean, it was delicious.”

  We reached my door which was set to the side of the landing at the very top of the stairs. “Here you go. Ruth, wasn’t it? This is your room.” She laughed. “Nice little room it is and all, but I’m glad it ain’t mine what with all them stairs to go up and down all the time, you’ll be knackered before you start with her ladyship I can tell you.”

  “Her ladyship?”

  “Yeah, you know, young Elizabeth. She’s a lovely kid alright, but she ain’t half got a mouth on her, especially if she doesn’t get her own way.” Nelly blew out her cheeks. “You’ve got your work cut out there once she gets to know you I can tell you. She’ll get the measure of you in five minutes flat and then you’ll know all about it.”

  I smiled, feeling slightly less confident than I had five minutes ago in the sitting room. “Mrs Taylor did say she can be a bit boisterous at times.”

  “Boisterous! Well that’s one way of putting it. More like a ruddy little whirlwind if you ask me. Mind, she does love her mum and tries to keep her happy at least. It’s the rest of us she winds up. It’s like she knows we can’t say anything to her, not unless we fancy her dad telling us off. Honest, if you upset her and he gets wind of it he’ll give you a right ear-bashing I can tell you.”

  “She seemed lovely when I met her the first time I was here, we played quite happily together.”

  “I bet Mrs T was there?”

  “Yes, for some of the time, but she left us alone for a while as well.”

  Nelly smiled again as she opened the door. “Well maybe you’ve got something the rest of us ain’t then if she was good for you. Anyway, I’ll leave you to get sorted, see you later.”

  “Thanks, Nelly. Yes, I’ll see you later.”

  I watched her for a moment as she disappeared down the first flight of stairs and out of sight before entering my room and closing the dark brown door behind me. It certainly was an attic room as Mrs Taylor had described it to me earlier, having a slope at one side of the ceiling and a beam of wood stretching between the joists at the other. This ran the full length of that particular side of the room. A single bed was situated along the wall directly under the beam with a small brown wooden bedside table placed next to it. The bed had a pink candlewick bedspread covering it and there was a lamp on the table with a colourful flowery shade which had little cream tassels hanging from it all the way round. The wall behind the bed was decorated with similarly patterned wallpaper to the lamp shade; something I felt added a feminine touch to the room along with the pink bedspread. The rest of the walls were painted white with the brown door standing out rather starkly against them. There was a single, equally dark brown wardrobe standing near to the door, also making its mark against the white background. On the floor was a green patterned rug surrounded by highly polished floor boards. I placed my small case and bag containing my worldly goods on the bed and stood for a moment taking in my new surroundings. Once again my thoughts returned to Birkenau and how, not so very long ago, there would have been a dozen or more of us forced to sleep in a space this size and with none of the basic luxuries such as the bedding and floor covering that were set before me now. I felt tears in my eyes as I rejoiced in the fact that this room, small though it was, was all mine and, even better, had a door that I alone had the power to decide whether it was open or closed. I had lived away from Birkenau for some time now, and had enjoyed the luxury of sleeping in clean sheets and a proper bed both at Mrs Goldblum’s and on occasion at the Blyth’s but nothing could detract from the joy of having the freedom to choose who came into my room or not. This never failed to delight me in a way that is almost impossible to describe. I had felt the same way to a certain extent about my small bedsit prior to joining the Taylor’s, but now I had somewhere I had been given permission to genuinely call my own and without the threat of a landlord coming in whenever he chose to check that everything was alright. Mrs Taylor had told me it was up to me who came into this room and that I could spend time there on my own as I wished and yet I wasn’t living in isolation, I could also enjoy the benefits of being under the same roof as others who actually wanted me there, not for my rent or to threaten my life at every turn as the Germans had done but because I mattered to them. It was such a simple pleasure and one taken for granted by so many, but it was a privilege that would never be lost on me again.

  As I unpacked my case I said a little prayer of thanks for how far I had come in so short a time, and how distant the nightmare of Birkenau appeared to be from where I found myself today. I was struck a stark reminder of how much life had changed for me as I placed a picture of my parents, Joseph and myself on the small table beside my bed. A neighbour had found the picture, taken some years earlier before our move to Guernsey, in her home and had given it to me on my return to London after the war as a memory of happier times. That picture took pride of place on my little table and I looked at it every night as it sat by my bed reminding me, as it did, of the family I had loved and lost in the horror of that awful concentration camp. Whilst I understood that I no longer had my brother and parents physically present in my life, I also knew they would remain forever in my heart. I kissed their faces as I placed the photograph by my bed, determining to make them proud of me as I proved m
yself in this new position and settled into my new surroundings. As I hung my clothes in the small wardrobe and sorted out the rest of my things I spoke to my parents and told them about my new job, and how I would do my best to uphold the family ethic of hard work and maintaining a caring attitude when addressing the needs of others. This was something they had instilled into Joseph and me from an early age. I remembered how Mama had cared for our friends and neighbours when I was younger; how she would make a cake for them or share what we had if she knew they were struggling. She and Papa set an example for Joseph and I to follow and I was determined to honour their name and that family tradition as best I could in the days and weeks ahead.

  I finished unpacking and, looking around my room once more, smiled to myself as a sense of anticipation and excitement swept over me. It felt similar to the day I had walked away from Birkenau when fresh opportunities and a new road to travel had lain before me. As was the case then I had no idea where this particular journey might end but it was one I was eager to make. As I stood there my eyes were drawn once more to the photograph of my family.

  “I won’t let you down.”

  I was placing my empty suitcase on top of the wardrobe when Nelly knocked at the door.

  “Mrs T said you might like another cuppa. Serves me right for laughing about you having to go up and down these stairs all the time, she must have heard me and sent me back up here as a punishment. Mind it’ll probably be cold by now.” She laughed as she handed me the tea. It was good to see her again and I hoped we might become friends both at work and in our own time as well. I hadn’t had a real friend since losing Sarah and although Nelly was very different in character I still felt she was someone I could become close to and trust. We talked for a few moments and she told me of some of the unspoken house rules shared amongst the staff with regards to our employers.