A Corner of My Heart

by Mark Seaman

  Twenty

  It was almost a week before Mr Taylor approached me again, but I was immediately in no doubt as to what he wanted. Over the previous few days I had begun to hope he might have realised the folly of his proposal and changed his mind with him making no physical attempt at any form of contact during that time apart from a simple “Good morning” or “Good evening” should our paths happen to cross at either the beginning or end of the day. That said there was still the larger part of me which feared my hopes would be dashed, and so it proved on that fateful Thursday afternoon.

  I was in the hallway preparing for Elizabeth’s arrival home from school when Mr Taylor walked through the front door. He spoke abruptly and without any form of greeting or personal acknowledgement. “Please come to my study, Ruth.”

  A sudden dread ran through me as I stuttered my reply attempting to avoid his command. “I’m just waiting for Elizabeth; she’ll be home any minute.”

  Mr Taylor stopped and turned, his voice demonstrating an authority that offered no room for discussion. “And a minute’s all I need.” He walked towards the study, leaving the door open behind him. “Now, if you please, Ruth.”

  I followed, also deciding not to close the door in the vain hope that by doing so he might choose another subject to talk about and so avoid the potential of our being overheard if my worst fears were indeed about to be realised.

  “Close the door please.” As I moved to obey his instruction my heart sank.

  “Helen is going away next weekend to her sister Julia’s. She is also proposing to take Elizabeth with her. I suggest that might provide the appropriate opportunity for you and I to spend some time together.” His words thudded into my head, scrambling my thoughts as I fought to think of something to say that might delay the now seemingly inevitable.

  “Mrs Taylor hasn’t said anything to me about going away,” I stammered, trying desperately to discourage him from continuing this present line of conversation.

  “I wasn’t aware that my wife and I were required to consult you about the decision-making process of our daily routine? Indeed, I thought we only needed to involve you and the other staff once we have determined whatever it is we have chosen to do? We then inform each of you accordingly as to how best you might serve in fulfilling our needs; isn’t that the way it works?” He stared at me purposely, demonstrating no trace of emotion. “Perhaps I was wrong in making such an assumption and you have alternative ideas as to how the employer employee relationship should work within our home?” He paused momentarily, maintaining his unforgiving stare. “Not that it is any of your business but, Helen only confirmed her decision to visit with Julia on the telephone last night. No doubt she intends to speak to you about it later today. Will that suit you, or do you feel I should ask her in future to consult with you directly as to her intentions when planning or making all personal arrangements?”

  I presumed his sarcastic and withering response to my remark had been prompted by his frustration at my daring to question his authority. Also, his face was flushed and I sensed a degree of nervousness on his part. This was never going to be an easy conversation for either of us.

  “I’m sorry if I appeared rude, sir, I didn’t mean anything by it. It is just Mrs Taylor usually gives me due notice when she is making arrangements of this sort, especially if they involve Elizabeth. I hadn’t realised she had only spoken to her sister last evening. As you say, she probably intends to tell me about her plans later. I apologise.” I spoke slowly and deliberately in an effort to ease the palpable tension between us. Although quite why I was trying to placate the very individual who was threatening to abuse so much more than our already shattered relationship I wasn’t entirely sure.

  I watched as he took a cigarette from the box on his desk and move to light it, his mood softening as he took a first comforting draw on it.

  “Helen met me for lunch earlier today as you are aware and we discussed the detail of her visit then.” He took another draw on his cigarette and lifting his head exhaled the smoke into the air. “As you know we haven’t been sharing a bed of late due to Helen not sleeping well because of the baby’s desire to move around at night leaving her both uncomfortable and tired, hence we were not able to talk fully about her sister’s invitation earlier. Julia has invited both Helen and Elizabeth to stay for a few days, and she wanted to talk to me to see if I had any objections which, naturally I didn’t. Colin is away on business at the moment and Julia thought it might be good for the two of them to spend some time together. Elizabeth and her daughter, who, as you know, is only a year older, both get on well and so Helen and Julia thought it would be good for them to spend some time in each others company as well.”

  He took another long draw on his cigarette and smiled at me. “Naturally I gave my approval as it works out well for all of us. I don’t suppose Helen will have a chance to see her sister again before the new baby arrives and so I am sure a few days being pampered by her own family will also do her good.” There was an awkward silence between us which eventually I broke.

  “I’m not sure what it is you want me to say?”

  “You don’t need to say or do anything at this time, other than to help Helen and Elizabeth pack and prepare for their trip. Devlin will drive the two of them to the house and will therefore also be away overnight. I understand from my discussions with Helen that Nelly has arranged to see her mother at the same time. Apparently she has some leave booked, which leaves only the two of us and Mrs Devlin to consider. As she never tends to leave the kitchen, except when occasionally helping to serve meals that should allow the two of us ample opportunity to spend time together.” As he finished speaking I heard the front door open and Elizabeth’s voice call out to me.

  “Ruth, where are you, I’m home.”

  “I need to go now, Mr Taylor.”

  “Of course. I will speak with you again soon to arrange the final detail of our next meeting.”

  I watched as he put out his cigarette and moving away from his desk walked towards me, his eyes staring straight at me dark and foreboding.

  “Remember, Ruth, for everyone’s sake, especially your own, this arrangement is to remain between ourselves, am I clear?” I had no words to offer in response and so turned away closing the door behind me.

  And so it began.

  My heart raced as Elizabeth and Mrs Taylor climbed into the car that Friday afternoon. “Now make sure you look after Ruth over the next few days, Robert, and give her plenty of time to herself. She doesn’t need to be running around after you with the two of us away.” Mr Taylor leant forward, kissing his wife on the cheek as she leant out of the car window.

  “Don’t worry, dear, we’ll be fine, won’t we, Ruth? I promise not to give her anything too onerous to do.” He turned and smiled at me, clearly enjoying the moment. Elizabeth’s head appeared by the side of her mother’s, her dark curly hair catching the breeze and blowing across her face. “Don’t forget to read my dolls a bedtime story will you, Ruth?”

  “I won’t.” I made a vain attempt to smile at her, trying my best not to let my emotions rise to the fore as I bit my lip in an effort to hold back the tears I could already feel stinging the back of my eyes.

  Mr Taylor and I stood and watched as Mr Devlin got into the car and started the engine.

  “Drive carefully, Devlin, you have a precious load on board you know.”

  I shook my head in disbelief at his supposed concern for the well being of his family knowing only too well his true intentions once they had departed.

  Elizabeth called out to me one last time as her mother pulled her back inside the car. “Goodbye Ruth.” Mrs Taylor gave a final wave to her husband as she sank back into her seat and closed the window, the two of them blowing a parting kiss towards each other as the car pulled away. I could hardly believe the man standing beside me and demonstrating such apparent affection towards his wife
and family was about to betray them in such an appalling way. As he stood waving enthusiastically after the car he displayed no evident sign of any moral conscience to trouble or concern him with regards to his proposed actions against me in the hours to come. I moved quickly back towards the house as the car turned the corner at the end of the road and out of sight. As I reached the front door he drew alongside of me.

  “I’ll come to your room after supper, Ruth, be ready.”

  I felt a chill run down my spine as the words I had been dreading exploded into my head like a bomb going off sending my thoughts and heart racing out of control. I turned to face my tormentor.

  “Please Mr Taylor I…” The words stuck in my throat as I struggled to compose myself.

  “We’ve been through all of this, Ruth, so please let’s not waste any more time in discussing it.” He turned and with a final glance down the road to make sure the car had gone strode past me through the open door leaving me to close it behind us as if further demonstrating his ultimate authority over me.

  I stood for a moment looking heavenward, offering a silent prayer for help as dark rain clouds moved swiftly across the sky and a chill breeze blew around me. As the first spots of rain splashed my face I felt a shudder run through my body. Was this a reaction to the potential storm brewing in the skies overhead or something far more sinister and threatening that was about to encompass me.

  That first time was the worst, with Mr Taylor showing no sign of emotion as he pushed me down onto my bed and, forcing my legs apart, put himself inside me. I turned my face to the wall, remembering what Sarah had told me about her actions during the times when the German soldier had raped her repeatedly. She said she forced her mind to detach itself from what was happening to her body no matter how hard the beating or degrading the sexual demands made of her. Although I tried to do the same and take some limited comfort in the knowledge that at least Mr Taylor was not physically beating me it did little to reassure me as to the violation that was being forced on me internally, nor as to the effect it would have on me mentally, both now and in the days ahead. This wasn’t an act of love I was experiencing it was an act of violence and, in its way, every bit as brutal as any physical beating I could ever receive. The mental scars and bruising I would be left with would be equally as painful to bear as any I might receive from a clenched fist or a boot.

  When he had finished Mr Taylor got up from my bed and dressed himself quickly.

  “That wasn’t too bad, was it, my dear?” he enquired, sitting on my chair to tie the laces on his shoes. I stared at the ceiling only aware of his movement from the corner of my eye, refusing to look directly at him or acknowledge him in any physical way. If he was hoping I might salve his conscience in some way by offering any form of gratitude or approval as to his actions then he would have to wait a very long time. He may have access to my body but I would never allow him that same access to my mind or thoughts; those were, and always would be my own. And for now they held nothing but contempt and revulsion towards him for what he had done. I heard him turn the handle on the door as he made to leave.

  “I am out for much of the day tomorrow, as I believe you are as well. Helen informed me she had given you some additional time off from your usual duties while she and Elizabeth are away so I suggest we meet here again tomorrow evening around the same time.”

  I didn’t reply but focused my whole being on not crying in front of him although I could already feel the tears filling my eyes.

  “I understand this may not be what you had envisaged as part of your contract when you first agreed to work here Ruth, but you did readily commit to helping both Helen and I in any way you could, particularly at this difficult time. Why not think of what you have just done in this way, that in making life less demanding for Helen who already has so much on her mind with Elizabeth and the new baby, you really are doing both of us a great service. I suggest you view this new part of our arrangement as a simple continuation of that earlier stated agreement?” I lay motionless still refusing to acknowledge him as I heard the door creak open.

  “You never know, you might even begin to enjoy it.” He paused and took a step towards me. “You know, Ruth, whatever you may think of me at this moment you should also be aware that you are now as complicit in any perceived betrayal of my wife as you deem me to be. So don’t go thinking you hold the moral high ground in that regard because you don’t, not after what we have just done together.”

  I felt tears of frustration and loathing run down the side of my face.

  “Goodnight Ruth.” As he closed the door behind him I broke completely and, turning over, wept openly into my pillow. I knew I was trapped, and innocent though I may have been as far as any part of the planning or agreement to what had just taken place between us was concerned, the truth still remained that I was, as he had stated, every bit as guilty of adultery as he was. I looked at the picture of my parents and Joseph and wept again for their passing. Also, that I couldn’t talk to them and ask their advice as to what I should do. I lay there, my mind racing back and forth as the tears flowed wondering how, in just a few short days, my seemingly blissful existence had turned once again into a living hell of nightmare proportions. I cried myself to sleep that night and almost every other night during the rest of my time at the Taylor’s house.

  He came to my room again over the next two evenings until the return of Mrs Taylor and Elizabeth. Following that his visits became more infrequent, limiting themselves to the odd afternoon or evening when the rest of the family were out or the house was quiet.

  I did my best to avoid him at all other times and would attempt to make excuses about having to be somewhere else when I was aware of him wanting to be with me again. The worst part for me was in maintaining the ongoing betrayal between Mrs Taylor and myself about what was happening. In a perverse way having survived the horrors of Birkenau, where lies and deceit were an every day occurrence, I was quickly able to adopt the art again of hiding the truth from her whenever we spoke, acting as though everything was as it had been before. There were times though when I would watch her and Mr Taylor exchange a kiss or another show of affection and want to scream out the truth as to what a despicable liar and cheat he really was. I think he sensed these moments, almost relishing the opportunity to taunt me in this way knowing if I did choose to speak out not only would I lose my position, a job that I loved, but also the friendship and trust of one of the few people I genuinely cared about. Our relationship would be destroyed forever along with my association with Elizabeth and the new baby which was due to arrive at any time. It was if he were playing a game of dare with me, a game that would always see me lose no matter which way I chose to play it.

  Like everybody else in the house I was thrilled the day Mrs Taylor came home with a baby brother for Elizabeth. She ran excitedly through the front door and into my arms.

  “This is my brother and his name is George, but he can’t talk yet so Mummy says I have to tell everyone.” I held her close cursing the events of the past few weeks, desperately wishing they had never of happened and that we could go back to the innocence of those first few months spent together.

  “George is a lovely name and I am sure he will like having a pretty sister like you to play with when he is a bit older.”

  “Yes but we must make sure he doesn’t touch my dolls because he might break them and then I would have to tell him he was naughty, wouldn’t I, Ruth?” I laughed as she pulled away and ran after her mother who was carrying her baby brother towards the stairs.

  “You come with us, Ruth. Let’s introduce Master George to his new bedroom.” I moved to join them as Mr Taylor entered carrying his wife’s bag from the car.

  “I see you girls are ganging up on my son already,” he said, laughing as he spoke. I looked at him wondering if this really could be the same person who had raped me just a few days previously but was now portraying himself as
the happily married man and proud father. I hated him with a passion but continued to play my part in this increasingly false game of happy families knowing the cost to everyone concerned, especially myself, would be all the greater if I spoke out.

  Over the next few weeks’ things settled into a new routine, with my looking after Elizabeth and meeting her daily needs while Mr and Mrs Taylor spent as much time as possible with George. Even better was the fact that, with the two of them being so involved with the new addition to their family, Mr Taylor made no more advances towards me. So for a short time at least things appeared to return to how they had been when I first joined them, with genuine good humour and laughter ringing through the house once more. It was three weeks after George arrived that things changed again, this time forever, and with no chance of a return to the normality of family life I had been praying for.

  I had been experiencing occasional stomach pains and bouts of sickness for a few days and so Mrs Taylor made an appointment for me to see their doctor, Mr Anderson, who was also a family friend. He couldn’t find anything wrong initially and so after questioning me about my general health and taking a urine sample suggested I come back a few days later for the results. It was then he broke the devastating news that would alter my life and those I cared about irrevocably.

  “The results have come back as positive, Miss Cahn, you are pregnant.” I sat opposite him bolt upright in my chair, not quite believing what I had heard.

  “I can’t be. You must have made a mistake.”

  He leant across his desk and smiled. “I’m afraid there is no mistake, my dear. As I say the test on your urine sample is positive, you are pregnant.”

  I sat for a moment staring ahead in silence, not knowing what to say or how to respond.

  “I am assuming from your reaction this was not the news you were hoping for nor expecting?”