Wildest Dreams

by Rosanne Bittner

  Lettie rose and poured him a glass, but when he tried to drink it, he realized he couldn't even sit up. "My God, what's wrong with me?"

  Lettie supported him and held the glass to his lips. "I think you're just exhausted," she answered. "You've worked so hard over the years, Luke. It's time to let Ty and others do more. And I think... I think the shock of thinking maybe we had lost Robbie... and knowing Tex was killed in the fire... maybe it was all just too much. I had to have some men come and carry you into the house. Tyler is having fits. He was scared to death he'd lose his father. I don't know what that boy would do without you. He worships the ground you walk on, you know."

  Luke sighed deeply and lay back against the pillow, feeling the sorrow come again. "Tex died in the fire, then?"

  "As far as we know. He's no place to be seen this morning. The rubble is still too hot to look for a body."

  "Damn," he whispered. His eyes were wet. "In a lot of ways we were very close, and yet I didn't know much about the man. He never even told me what his real name was." He felt a sob rip through him then, unexpectedly. "Seems... crazy... crying over somebody like Tex... doesn't it?"

  Lettie smoothed his hair back from his forehead. "Not at all. He's been your right hand for a lot of years."

  Luke breathed deeply to quell the tears. "God, all of a sudden I'm so tired, Lettie."

  "Of course you're tired. You've worked yourself nearly to death for years. You're scarred up from fights with animals and outlaws, and last night you nearly lost another son and everything you've worked for all these years." She kissed his hand again. "We'll be all right, Luke. That new grandchild was like a gift from God, a little bit of joy in the midst of all this sorrow. The grass will grow back, and we have the house and most of the outbuildings. Ty is all right."

  "Robbie still isn't out of danger, is he?" He wiped at his eyes with his arm. "We can't lose another son, Lettie. And this time... I'm the one with all the guilt. I've never been... as close to him as I was to Ty. Deep inside I resented the fact that he doesn't want to stay on and work the ranch, and he's always felt it. All he talks about... is wanting to go to school to be a doctor... and I've fought him every step of the way. I know he felt that somehow he did something wrong that made Paul die, and then I half blamed him for what happened to Katie. He can't die, Lettie, not before I set things right with him."

  "He's not going to die, and he knows you love him, Luke."

  "Help me get up."

  "Luke, you stay right in this bed."

  "No! I want to go to Robbie. I have to talk to him." Luke gritted his teeth and forced himself to a sitting position. "My God, I've never felt like this. Everything is such an effort."

  "Luke, you shouldn't—"

  "Please, Lettie. Help me get some pants on." He put an arm around her shoulders, and Lettie stood up with him. He grasped the back of a chair while she took out a clean pair of denim pants and helped him get them on. She buttoned them, then helped him pull on a shirt. He leaned on her then and walked through the wide carpeted hall into Robbie's room, where Pearl sat watching her brother, her eyes puffy from tears.

  "Father! Are you okay?"

  Luke smiled inwardly at the way she addressed him, father, not pa. His beautiful Pearl, always acting and talking so sophisticated for a girl raised on a cattle ranch. She was radiantly beautiful on the brink of womanhood. How much more beautiful would she be as a woman? "I'll be fine. I just need to rest, I guess." He made his way to Robbie's bed, glad to see the boy was awake again. "Hey there, Robbie. That's quite a bump on your head."

  Lettie pushed a chair up beside the bed, and Luke sat down, taking Robbie's hand.

  Tears slipped out of Robbie's eyes at the sight of his father. "Tex is dead," he said in a small voice. "It's my fault."

  Luke shook his head. "No, it isn't, Robbie. If not Tex, it would be me in there, or maybe your mother or Ty. It was Tex's choice to go back for Sundance. I want you to stop blaming yourself for things that can't be changed and would have happened whether you were there or not. I'm just glad you're alive. I thought I had lost another son." His own tears wanted to come again. He didn't understand this terrible weakness, not just physically, but emotionally. Maybe it was because of Paul. The thought that he could have lost another son overwhelmed him, and he broke into sobbing, clinging to Robbie's hand.

  Pearl stared in dismay, and Lettie walked around to put her hands on her shoulders. "It's all right, Pearl. Your father needs this." She fought her own tears, knowing that in spite of the terrible night she had been through herself, right now Luke needed her to be the strong one. There would be time later for her own tears.

  "Don't cry, Pa," Robbie sobbed. "I'm okay. I didn't know you really loved me that much. I thought Ty was your favorite."

  The words only choked Luke up more. How well he knew the feeling of being less favored, of not being loved. His own hurt never ended. All those letters to his own father, and not one reply.

  It took him several minutes to gain control of his emotions. Lettie handed him a handkerchief, and he wiped at his eyes, then took Robbie's hand again. "You listen to me, Robbie. No father favors one son or daughter over another. I love you all the same, but for different reasons. If Tex hadn't gone in after you, I would have. That's just what I was getting ready to do when you came wandering out of there." He reached out and touched the side of the boy's face. He was nothing like Ty had been at his age. He was shorter, more slender, looked younger in the face; but he was a handsome, intelligent boy. "Robbie, nothing that has ever happened around here has been your fault, do you understand? The only one at fault is me, for letting you think that way, and for not being the best father I could have been to you. I'm sorry you thought you weren't loved as much. That simply is not true. If you had died in that fire, I would have mourned you as much as Paul, or Ty, or any of my children, and I'm not sure I would have wanted to go on living. You know what your mother just told me a few minutes ago?"

  "What, Pa?"

  He stroked his son's hair. "She said that one doctor isn't enough anymore for Billings, and she's right. We need more doctors, and nothing would make me more proud than to have my own son be one of them. You keep studying, and you go to whatever school you want, even that one Nial Bentley said was so good, that one in Michigan, if you want. You just promise to come back here where we need more doctors."

  Robbie managed a grin. "Sure, Pa. You sure you don't care? What about the ranch?"

  Luke rubbed the back of the boy's hand with his thumb. "We've got Ty. And now Brad. And already we have a grandson. We'll be okay."

  "But you work too hard. Pearl says you passed out last night, and you don't look too good today."

  Luke smiled sadly. "I'll be all right. Nothing keeps Luke Fontaine down for long. As far as the work, I'll just hire a few more men."

  Robbie sobered. "You'll never replace Tex, will you?"

  Luke held his gaze. "No, son. Nor could I ever replace you."

  Lettie came around to Luke, putting her hands on his shoulders. "Luke, please go back to bed and stay there until Dr. Manning can come out and have a look at you."

  Luke squeezed Robbie's hand once more, then managed to get to his feet. "There's too much to do."

  "And you have plenty of men to do those things for you. Don't you think by now that Runner and Billy and Sven and the others know how to run this ranch just fine without you giving them every little order? If you work yourself into the grave, what good will that do any of us?"

  He gave Robbie a smile and a wink. "You rest easy until the doctor has a look at you." He put an arm around Lettie again and sighed deeply. "I want to see Katie and my grandchild before I do anything else."

  Lettie led him to Katie and Brad's room, where Katie was nursing her new son. She quickly covered herself and took the infant away from her breast. "Pa! Mama said you collapsed last night! What happened!"

  Luke forced a smile, but never had he felt so weary and beaten. "Oh, just too much excitement f
or an old man, I guess."

  "You aren't old! How do you feel today?"

  "I'll be all right. I just came to see my new grandson."

  Katie smiled through tears, cradling the baby in her arms. "He's beautiful, Pa. He's like a gift from God, something to bring us joy after the awful fires. I named him Paul, for our little brother—Paul Tyler. The next boy will get Robbie's name."

  Luke kept more tears in check, astounded at this feeling of weakness and inability to control his emotions. He did not feel like himself at all that day. He leaned closer to have a look at his new grandson. "He's beautiful, Katie. I'm so happy for you and Brad."

  Katie wiped at a tear. "Poor Brad. What a time to have a son. He had to leave to see how many sheep were lost. He had such big plans."

  "We'll all get through this, Katie," Lettie spoke up. "Your father has the copper mines and a lot of other investments. The loss of sheep and cattle won't break us. Don't forget that Luke bought a grain supply business in Cheyenne, so we can at least buy grain at wholesale prices while we wait for the grass to come back. And we have a number of other investments, like the hotel. We'll all be fine, probably a lot better off than some of the other ranchers who depend completely on their grass and cattle."

  "All that really matters is that we're all alive," Luke reminded Katie, "and you had a healthy baby. I'm sorry I apparently slept right through it."

  He leaned down to kiss the baby's cheek, and Lettie tried not to show her worry in front of Katie. Luke had done more than just sleep. She knew good and well he had had a full collapse, and she was afraid it might be his heart. Of all the times her husband had put his life at risk and had suffered wounds, never had she been this afraid for him. "Luke, please go back to bed. Tyler and Brad and the others are doing just fine with cleanup and inventory; and I can handle whatever paperwork comes out of this. I don't want you to worry or try to do too much yourself."

  He waved her off, then rose. "Quit treating me like a decrepit old man. Katie's right. I'm not old. Hell, I'm only forty-six."

  "I didn't say you were old." She moved to embrace him, putting on a smile for him. "You didn't seem old yesterday," she reminded him.

  Luke grinned and let her help him out of the room, and Katie watched with concern. She had never seen such bad color in her father's face, nor such a worn, beaten look to him.

  Outside the room Lettie helped her husband back to their bed, and he literally fell into it. "Jesus, Lettie, what's wrong with me?" he asked.

  Lettie leaned down and caressed his cheek. "Nothing that a little rest won't cure," she assured him.

  "Don't tell Ty and the others how bad it is. Tell them I fell and broke a rib or something."

  "I'll tell them whatever the doctor tells us, and you will do whatever the doctor tells you to do. I am not going to lose you because of your own stubbornness. It's not a crime to be just plain tired, Luke."

  He sighed deeply. "See that Tex gets a nice burial, will you? Bury him in the family plot, not with those damn outlaws up the hill. He deserves better."

  "We'll do it right."

  "And have the men get started right away on a new house for Brad and Katie, and for Billy and Anne. And I want a full report on our losses."

  "I know what to do, Luke."

  He grabbed her hand as she started to rise. "What about you? My God, last night must have been awful. You're probably the one who should be in this bed. I'll bet you haven't slept all night."

  "I'm all right. Let me be the strong one for a while, Luke. I took care of things once before, remember? When you were laid up with that broken leg. I can do it again."

  He held her hand tightly. "You've always been the stronger one, Lettie. I don't think you realize that. My own strength comes from you."

  She leaned down and kissed his lips softly. "I think it's a pretty even balance. Let's face it, we need each other, so please rest until Doc Manning can have a look at you."

  He put a hand to his head. "I don't have much choice. I don't think that right now I can even get back up off this bed."

  She squeezed his hand and smiled for him. "I've got to see to Robbie and Katie again. Do you want something to eat?"

  He closed his eyes. "No. I just want to sleep." His hand dropped away, and for a moment Lettie thought her heart would stop beating. She felt his throat, blinking back tears of relief when she felt a pulse, but in that one quick moment he seemed to have passed out again.

  "God, don't take him from me," she whispered. She kissed him once more and left the room to go into an empty bedroom and cry. No one must see her like this, especially not Luke. He would never stay in that bed if he knew it upset her... but then maybe he would have no choice. Maybe he was dying and would never get up. Outside thunder rumbled again, and the rain came down harder, but too late to quell the awful damage done by the fires.

  Lettie pored over the ledger Luke kept for his cattle count. For two weeks Ty and Mae's husband and some of the other men had been out taking inventory as best they could, not an easy task when one had to cover hundreds of thousands of acres, and cattle were spread out everywhere. She had been going through the books all morning while Katie and Anne Sacks helped Mae with the extra housework caused from having more people in the house.

  She closed her eyes just to listen. Pearl was practicing piano, playing a lovely waltz. She imagined Luke and herself floating around a ballroom floor, Luke wearing a fine black suit, she in a magnificent new dress, with Luke a territorial delegate, or perhaps governor of the new state of Montana. But then, for now it was just good to know he was going to be all right, that his heart was strong and all he needed was a good long rest. Thank God, Robbie would also be fine. He had finally stopped slipping away from her, finally stopped having the awful headaches. He was eating better, his eyes brighter, and the few burns on his back were healing.

  She felt a presence in the library then, opened her eyes to see Luke standing in the doorway wearing denim pants and a cotton shirt that hung loose. "You're awfully quiet for such a big man," she told him.

  He looked down. "Bare feet don't make much noise on all these fancy rugs." He came inside. "What were you dreaming about?"

  She reddened. "I was just thinking how glad I am that you and Robbie are going to be all right." She pointed a finger as though to scold him. "And quit trying to sneak up on me. I know you, Luke Fontaine. You think if I know you're coming I'll hide this ledger." She rose. "You look good today."

  He moved his arms around her. "I feel useless. I should be out there with the rest of them rounding up cattle. This is ridiculous, Lettie. I'm perfectly fine."

  "Dr. Manning said complete bed rest for at least a month, and you should take it easy the rest of the winter. At least it's the time of year when there isn't so much to do anyway."

  "Except a lot of rebuilding." He left her and walked to look out the window at the burned barn. "And a lot of that will have to wait until spring." He sighed. "I'd like to go see Tex's grave later."

  "I guess I can allow that."

  He turned to look at her with a wry grin. "Are you giving me orders, woman?"

  She folded her arms. "I'll do whatever I have to do to make sure my husband is with me for a long, long time. Dr. Manning said part of your problem was the shock of thinking you had lost Robbie, but that was made worse by just plain exhaustion, and he said it's not something to take lightly."

  "What about you? You've been through just as much as I have."

  She walked closer and placed her hands at his sides. "Different people handle certain situations differently. Look how we each reacted when Paul died. It pulled us apart. Doc Manning said he suspects you never really got over his death. Is that true?" Her heart ached at the devastation in his blue eyes.

  He placed his hands on her shoulders. "I guess maybe it is, or at least was. I think almost losing Robbie woke me up to a lot of things." He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I hate this, Lettie. I'm the man. I'm supposed to be the strong one."
/>   "You are the strong one. For a lot of years you've had to be too strong. In those early years when I thought I'd go crazy, you were there to lean on. You've always been my strength, my protection, my defender. I put you through hell after Nathan left again and then Paul died. You almost got killed rescuing Katie, and you have blamed yourself for every bad thing that has happened in this family. But there is a little thing called fate, over which none of us has control. Right now God or someone is telling you to slow down for a while. There's no shame in that, Luke. It's only a means to an end—and in the end you will be stronger than ever. Maybe God is preparing you for something bigger...." She smiled, moving her arms around him then. "Like maybe territorial delegate, or the future governor of the state of Montana."

  He frowned. "Who have you been talking to?"

  She laughed and walked back to the desk. "Ty. He told me about the men prompting you to run. I can't think of a better man to represent Montana. Any man who knows as much about this land as you do, and who loves it the way you do, can't help but do a good job of leading us toward statehood."

  He followed her to the desk and opened a box of thin cigars, taking one out. "You wouldn't mind?"

  "I'd be very proud."

  He walked to the fireplace to light the cigar with a long match, taking a moment to puff on it. "It could mean having to be away from the Double L, sometimes just me, sometimes both of us."

  She gave it some thought. "The children are getting bigger. In three or four more years, Ty will practically be able to run this ranch by himself. We've talked about Pearl studying music in Chicago by then, and Robbie will be in college. By then the Northern Pacific should be coming through here, which will make it a lot easier to travel east, and which also means no more cattle drives, even to Cheyenne. And you have a good crew of men, many of whom have worked for you for a lot of years. They know as much about how to run this ranch as you do."

  He kept the cigar between his teeth and walked back to the window. "Well, I have no plans for anything like that for at least two years yet. This next year will be one of rebuilding. Thank God for the copper mines and our other investments. I hear that up around Butte the new find is copper. The gold is just about played out. There's still some silver, but copper is all the news now. Might be the biggest find in the country. I just might do some investing there." He puffed the cigar for a few seconds. "You're a forward-thinking woman, Lettie Fontaine. You told me years ago not to rely just on the cattle." He turned to look at her. "Which reminds me. What's the damage?"