by Jay Bell
Really? This was their competition? An overgrown boy who still got nervous when talking to girls? Kelly snorted and pushed past a few students to reach him. “William.” Kelly said the name loud enough to make the girl turn to see who had spoken. Kelly swiftly took her place, nudging her aside to stand directly in front of his prey. He stared hard into those green eyes. and didn’t see any fight there. Just confusion, and perhaps a little concern.
“Uh,” William said.
“Do you know who I am?” Kelly asked, arching one eyebrow.
“Kelly. Right?” William searched his face, brow furrowing. “Yeah. Kelly Phillips.”
Okay. The question was meant to be rhetorical, which threw Kelly off, but he found a way of squeezing in his next line anyway. “Wrong. I’m the fastest guy in school. No one can outrun me. No one’s ever come close.”
William glanced around. Students were gathering, feeling the building pressure. Already the word “fight” was being hissed excitedly.
Now the green eyes filled with worry. “Are you saying you want to
???
“I’m saying there’s no point,” Kelly snapped. “You’d never keep up with me. I thought no one could, but yesterday, Jared Holt beat me.” “Jared Holt,” William repeated. Then recognition dawned. “The guy from yesterday?”
“That’s right. So when he came up to you and said you’d never win, you should have listened. Don’t even bother showing up next week, because—”
Someone shoved Kelly from behind, probably hoping to trigger a fight. Kelly spun around, but there were too many leering faces to see who. When he turned back around, William was also eyeing the crowd uneasily, which was surprising because he really had a lot of muscle beneath that dopey polo. He could imagine William taking on the whole mob and coming out victorious. No wonder Jared was so intimidated!
“You might be good at swimming,” Kelly said, “but most of this race is on foot.”
William frowned. “I’ll keep that in mind. See you at the finish line.” “I won’t be there,” Kelly said, “but Jared will. He’ll be waiting for you.” Glaring again for good measure, Kelly turned and pushed his way out of the crowd. He glanced back once more when he reached the end of the hall. Most of the crowd was still swirling around William as he tried to explain what had happened. One thing was clear: William was upset. He’d be stewing over this encounter in the coming days, letting it eat away at his confidence. Hopefully, this would give Jared the advantage he needed.
“Fuck.”
One word, and hardly elegant, but it summed up the situation nicely. Kelly sat on the metal bleachers near the school’s track. Jared was next to him, but he wouldn’t sit. He stood, using the metal steps to give him extra height so he could see better. For the last twenty minutes, they had remained silent while watching William run. Circle after circle, lap after lap, William was running. The pace was controlled, the movements graceful. Like a swimmer. A lot could be done to improve his form, but two things were abundantly clear: William had endurance, and William had determination.
Kelly swallowed and tasted guilt. William wouldn’t be here right now if not for the confrontation earlier. Jared wouldn’t be freaking out either. Yesterday had been so positive. Now they were back to square one, and Kelly couldn’t bring himself to tell Jared that this was all his fault.
“Fuck,” Jared repeated.
“Would you stop saying that?” Kelly stood. “Staying here isn’t going to help. Let’s get out there and show him how it’s really done!”
Jared didn’t move. Instead his eyes followed William as he made another loop. He came to a stop just in front of the bleachers, grabbing a towel and a bottle of water. As William took a swig, his eyes briefly moved to where they were, then flicked away. After slinging the towel over one shoulder, he turned and walked away.
“Fuck,” Jared whispered.
“Come on,” Kelly said. “Enough freaking out. Show me what you did last time.”
Jared was tense, but after some coaching from Kelly, he loosened up and hit his stride. Kelly caught up, matching his pace, surprised when he saw the scowl plastered on Jared’s face. Anger seemed to be his motivation now. That was good. Kelly was the same way. Why sit around feeling miserable? Get up and actually do something! Burning in anger’s inferno was always better than drowning in sorrow’s dark sea. Jared pushed himself harder than ever, and once they were headed back toward the locker rooms, Kelly was no longer worried about William’s performance on the track.
Despite all of this, Jared’s mood hadn’t improved. He resisted any attempt at small talk and was still fuming as he got undressed, slamming the locker door shut as he stomped off to shower. Was this how he’d behave for the next week? They were getting dressed again when Jared finally spoke.
“You just had to open your big mouth, didn’t you?”
Kelly’s shoulders tensed. “What do you mean?”
“You think I don’t know? Everyone is talking about it. Some even said there would be a fight after school.”
Kelly stared into the shadow of his locker. “Obviously there wasn’t.” “What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously!”
Kelly put on his shirt and shook his head. “I was doing the same thing you did. I thought we could psyche him out.”
“Fine, but I don’t need you fighting my battles for me. It’s fucking embarrassing! You think you’re my big brother or something?”
Kelly spun around, ready to retort, but Jared was wearing only his jeans. His chest was heaving, his wet hair plastered to one side of his forehead. Kelly lowered his eyes, but even the bare feet made him feel stupid things inside. “I was trying to help.”
“Well, it was creepy. You don’t wanna know some of the stuff people are saying about us now.”
“Screw them!” Kelly said, raising his head. “Let them say whatever they want! I don’t care. We’ll be the ones laughing when you win next week.”
Jared studied him a moment before the strained expression faded. “You’re crazy, you know that?”
“Yup,” Kelly said. “I’m proud of it too.”
Jared chuckled as he put on his shirt, a smile on his face when it popped through the neck hole. Okay. Crisis averted. Kelly felt so buoyed by this, so certain that they could overcome anything together, that it seemed like the right time. He didn’t let himself overthink it. He simply let the words come unhindered.
“What if it was true?”
Jared sat down on a bench to pull on his socks. “What?”
“The things people are saying about us now. If it was true, would that really be so bad?”
Jared laughed. “You’re sick.”
“I’m serious,” Kelly responded.
Jared’s brow furrowed as he yanked on a shoe and tied the laces. Then he reached for the other, repeating the process. All of it seemed to take an eternity. Kelly’s mouth had gone dry. He couldn’t think of anything else to say. The truth was out. All he could do was wait for a response.
Once both shoes were tied, Jared stood and looked right at Kelly, his expression reassuring. “You’re not gay. Don’t worry about it.”
Kelly didn’t hide his puzzlement. “I’m not worried that I might be. I know.”
“No,” Jared said as if it were his decision to make. “Come on, man. It’s bad enough that you’re black.”
Kelly’s jaw dropped, his head feeling light. “That I’m black?” He raised his arm, looked at his flesh as if seeing himself for the first time. Of course he was black! His skin tone was so dark that it left no room for doubt. But what the hell did that have to do with anything?
“I don’t mean it like that,” Jared backpedaled. “I just figured that’s why you never have a girlfriend. Most people around here are white, and you’d be surprised how many of them are racist. Just because a lot of girls won’t give you a chance, doesn’t mean you need to turn gay.”
“That’s what you think I’m doing?” Kelly asked incredulously. “You thi
nk I’m so desperate for a date that I decided—out of the blue—to start sucking dick? I don’t see you going on a lot of dates, and you’re not black. If your luck doesn’t improve, do you honestly see yourself turning gay?”
“No!”
“Then why do you think it works that way for me?”
Jared chewed his lip. “I don’t know. I don’t understand any of this.”
“Well you got one thing right,” Kelly said, grabbing his backpack. “It is surprising who turns out to be racist. Especially when it’s your best friend.”
“Hey, wait!”
Kelly ignored him as he rushed out of the locker room. Once he was in his car, he slammed his fist against the steering wheel and screamed. How could he have been so naive? Why didn’t he keep his mouth shut? Kelly gritted his teeth, started the car, and began the drive home, wishing he could tear his stupid heart from his chest and throw it out the window.
A person who is racist is invariably ignorant, but a person who is ignorant is not always racist. Kelly’s grandmother had first told him this when he was little. She had served as an ambassador in three different countries and believed strongly in the value of peace. As Kelly got older —and angrier—she often reminded him that not all people were beyond redemption. Change was possible, but it took patience and understanding.
Kelly had very little of either. He always feared Jared would reject him for being gay, but what hurt most was that one twisted little sentence. It’s bad enough that you’re black.
As the night wore on and Kelly’s rage began to weaken, he tried to disarm the phrase, clip a few wires to make it less explosive. Isn’t it hard enough being black? Or maybe: Don’t you already face enough prejudice as a black man? But those were questions, requests for information as to how Kelly felt about who he was. Ignorance rather than racism. Jared had uttered a statement. A judgment. It’s bad enough that you’re black.
What little sleep Kelly found that night was fraught with nightmares. In each he faced a new conflict. Fist-fighting William in the hall, being chased around the track by the leering faces from his high school, Jared yelling at him—his words complete gibberish but the emotions behind them unmistakable. When the alarm clock buzzed, Kelly welcomed it for once, despite still feeling exhausted.
He spent longer in the shower than usual, trying to decide what to do. Play sick? Skip school? He sighed and pressed his forehead against the tile. He needed to hear what Jared had to say. They were best friends, after all. Or had been. Maybe they could get through this. At the kitchen table, Royal begged him for a ride so he wouldn’t have to take the bus. Normally Kelly teased him and said no, but today he wished he could bring his little brother to school and cling to him like a teddy bear. For so long, seeing Jared had been the highlight of every day. Now that prospect filled him with dread.
Once he’d dropped Royal off, Kelly drove to school and parked in one of the spots farthest from the building, just like he and Jared always had. This allowed them to get the same spots almost every day, or at the very least, park next to each other. Kelly stayed in the car, tensing up when from the corner of his eye he saw a vehicle pull up next to his. He kept his attention forward until he heard a tapping on the glass.
He glanced over, Jared’s face apologetic. That was a start. Kelly’s heart shoved anger aside so love could take the lead. Sighing, he opened the door and got out of the car.
“I’m not racist,” Jared said. “I totally fucked up what I was trying to say.”
Kelly crossed his arms over his chest. “Then try again.”
Jared looked wide-eyed to the horizon for a moment. “I honestly thought girls weren’t giving you a chance because of the color of your skin. I don’t care that you’re black. Wait, African-American.”
“Black is fine,” Kelly said. “It’s not like I call you a whatever-the-hell-you-are American.”
“Half-Polish, half-German. Oh, plus a little French and Irish.”
“Right,” Kelly said. “I’ve got Spanish blood on my greatgrandfather’s side, so I’m more than just African, and I’m more than just the color of my skin.”
“I know,” Jared said. “If it mattered to me, I wouldn’t be your friend.”
“Just because you’re friends with a black person, doesn’t mean you can’t be racist.”
“I don’t care what color you are!” Jared insisted. “I was trying to say that other people do, and that sucks. I’m sorry.”
Kelly considered him for a moment. “Okay.”
“Okay?” Jared looked relieved. “Good.”
Now they could walk together into the school. They’d take the main hall to their lockers, which were side by side. They had talked a freshman into trading lockers at the beginning of the year, just so they could have a few more minutes together between classes. They would meet for lunch like they always did and no doubt laugh about the whole dumb misunderstanding. After school, they would focus on the triathlon again. Everything would be perfect, just as long as Kelly didn’t push his luck.
The silence in the air was thick. Neither of them had moved, both sensing that the next move was Kelly’s. All he need do was keep quiet. Just this once... and any other time his heart started feeling funny. Like now.
Kelly took a deep breath. “What about the other thing?”
Jared looked pained. “Just drop it, okay?”
“No,” Kelly said, keeping his tone neutral. “I know that there can’t be an us. Not like that. But I need you to be okay with it.”
Jared looked away.
“I’m gay,” Kelly said. “You’re straight, I get it. That’s cool. I’ll respect that, but I need you to respect me.”
Now Jared was glancing around, as if worried they would be overheard. When he saw they were alone, he looked to Kelly again. “Are you going to tell everyone?”
Kelly shrugged. “I’m not going to keep it a secret.”
“Yeah, but people are already saying things about us.”
“So what? Tell them that they’re wrong. I’ll tell them too.”
Jared licked his lips. “But they’re not wrong about you.”
“No, they aren’t.” Kelly was apprehensive about where the conversation was heading. He struggled to find some reassuring words, but his mind was filling with a very specific fear, one that Jared verbalized.
“Maybe we should keep our distance. You know, just until the rumors blow over. I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about me.”
“What about the triathlon?” Kelly said. “Our training plans?”
“I think I’ve got what I need.” Jared took a couple steps backward. “I’ll be okay without you.”
Kelly watched him turn and walk away. Under his breath, in a voice so weak he barely recognized it as his own, he said, “I wish I could say the same.”
Chapter Three
Everything was different now, and not in a way that Kelly had ever imagined. Jared didn’t meet him at their lockers between classes. During lunch he didn’t sit at their usual table. When their track teammates asked if he was sick, all Kelly could do was shrug. Maybe Jared had gone home just to avoid him. Maybe he would enroll in another school rather than let anyone think he was gay. Of course Kelly had imagined all of this going wrong before, but he’d always assumed that he’d be the one left on the outside, the one eating lunch in some lonely hallway to escape ridicule. Somehow this was worse. That Jared would willingly abandon their mutual friends just to avoid being near him...
The thought left Kelly thoroughly depressed until the end of sixth period. When the bell rang, he felt one more pang of hope. Nothing mattered more to Jared than winning the triathlon, and while he might have said this morning that he didn’t need Kelly’s help, his confidence rarely lasted. Half the task of coaching him had been keeping his ego upright and stumbling along. So Kelly felt nearly certain that Jared would be waiting for him at the track.
When Kelly arrived there, the empty arena matched the feeling in his chest. It
was over. No more hope. No chance of reconciliation. His best friend was a homophobic coward. Jared could have let him down gently and taken Kelly’s unwanted affection as a compliment. Instead he turned his back completely, all because someone loved him who he couldn’t love back. Was that so wrong? Even if the feelings couldn’t be reciprocated, didn’t it feel good knowing someone out there cared?
Clenching his jaw, Kelly headed toward the track. He hadn’t changed clothes, still wearing tight jeans and a light hoodie. Regardless, as soon as his feet crossed the white line and touched the rubbery track surface, he broke into a run. His shoes were heavy and his clothes restricting, but Kelly ran anyway. No more holding back. No more coaching. Just him and the wind, moving too fast for all those ugly events to keep up. Kelly ran until his clothes stuck to his skin, until sorrow released its hold and tumbled away into the distance. As he jogged to a stop, only one emotion remained.
Anger.
Fuck Jared! Damn right he wasn’t going to be a part of Kelly’s life anymore! This was a divorce, and Kelly was keeping the house and kids and car. He snorted at the thought and turned back toward the school. That’s when he noticed a figure approaching. For one second, all the anger and determination caught in his throat. But it wasn’t Jared. Of course it wasn’t. William was back for more practice. Kelly’s anger rose up again, eager for a target.
And yet, everything was different now. His friend had become his enemy, and his original enemy was nothing at all. What point was there in hating William? If anything, Kelly should be cheering him on instead. Not that he stood a chance. Or did he?
Giving in to curiosity, Kelly made a u-turn and headed back to the bleachers. By the time he sat, William had reached the track and begun practicing. Eventually he picked up the pace, gaining a respectable speed, but he still looked like a man out for a brisk jog. This continued for the next twenty minutes. Those impressive arms and legs were pumping with the patient rhythm of a swimmer, but William was more like a speeding bus than a Porsche. Too bad, because seeing Jared lose would have been revenge served piping hot with an extra portion of suffering.
