by London Casey
Becky walked away without getting hit, which was a miracle itself.
I put my hands on the counter and hung my head.
Was I that obvious? Had everyone picked up on my insistent need to get away during that one week of the year? Not even the week, just that one day. That one damn day… I lifted my head and saw that the day was coming soon. Again.
I blinked fast, trying to hold back my tears.
That one day.
It was just days away.
What was I going to do this year?
I quit.
The words seemed to flow so easily from my mouth and across Bev’s desk. She gently peeled her glasses off her face and just stared at me. It was really that simple. I wasn’t going to talk about Kyle. I wasn’t going to talk about grieving, my failed relationship, the guilt I felt for what happened to Kyle, or that I was thinking about how to avoid the world on a certain day that was now even closer.
My heart, my mind, my soul, they were all stupidly greedy.
“Lacey,” Bev said as she gently set her glasses down on her big desk. “We value you, your expertise. The way people draw to you.”
“I’m done,” I said. “I need a break. I can’t do it anymore.”
“How are you going to survive?”
I stood up and waved a hand. None of that was Bev’s damn business. But if she wanted to know, all I did was work and save. I had my own accounts, my own money, and I never did anything for myself. When I was with Kyle, he and I had the picture-perfect relationship in terms of what we did together. He was a really good guy. But he loved the allure of the bachelor lifestyle, yet appreciated coming home to someone waiting. I’m not sure many women would have dealt with him like I did, but at the same time, what he gave me was exactly what I wanted.
It was all fake. A placeholder for the next thing. I just didn’t know Kyle’s next thing was going to be a trip to the grave. And my next thing?
I left Bev’s office after giving her my work phone and my badge, almost like a cop on a show being stripped of her duties. I left the building, got into my car, and knew I needed to see Jenny. I would be visiting now as a friend. I would keep my promise to her and tell her everything: why I went on a trip during a certain time of the year. Maybe she could shed some light onto my situation. Why I acted the way I did. Why I was such a fool over a guy… hell, he was a boy. A boy I used to love. But he never got out of my heart. And I knew he was a man now, alive and well. Thanks to the internet, it was easy to see him. The boyish features that had somehow turned into a man. All man. Tattoos, bad boy eyes, strong arms, running his own business, living a life that looked so free. A life he swore he’d have.
A life he swore we’d have.
I didn’t want to share the story because I lived the story in my mind every single day. But for Jenny, it was the least I could do.
When I pulled into the driveway, I got a gut-wrenching feeling. There were too many cars there. Way too many cars.
I hurried out of my car and met Jenny’s oldest daughter - Angie - at the door. She was in tears. She was shaking her head.
“No,” I said. “No, no, no, no…”
Angie touched her lips and nodded, shutting her eyes. Tears escaped, rolling down her cheeks.
I threw my arms around Angie. She had always been the toughest of Jenny’s three kids. As the oldest, she took the most of the burden and that included hiding her emotions. But right then, Angie was able to let go. She burst into tears in my arms.
“When?” I whispered.
“This morning,” Angie said as she cried. “Peacefully. That’s what they keep telling me. No pain. No suffering. She just went.”
I felt breathless for a few seconds.
This was the hardest part of my job. I knew what I was getting into when I took the job. But the reality was hard to swallow. I never got close to anyone like I did Jenny, either. And I was actually coming to visit her as a friend. To rely on her for some advice on what to do.
I found myself crying with Angie.
Angie held me at arm’s length and took a breath. “We’re a mess.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I should be more professional.”
“Don’t worry about it. You were part of this family. What you did for the last couple years…”
“Angie.”
“You kept her alive for us.”
“She kept herself alive. She was tough. Stubborn. And she went the way she wanted. Not the way cancer wanted. That’s a beautiful thing.”
“It doesn’t feel so beautiful,” Angie said.
We both broke down again. Then came Jenny’s other two kids - Jeremy and Ava. They insisted I stay as Jenny was taken from the house. I stood there and held all three of her kids. They were grown adults but it was me somehow holding all three of them. I held it together, but inside I felt ill.
After the scene attempted to calm a little, they begged me to stay for coffee. I did. Then they begged me to stay for something to eat. But that’s where I drew the line. I couldn’t impose on this family and their grieving. I couldn’t guide them through it, either. They would have to stand tall on their own.
Outside the house, I found Jeremy and Ava sharing a cigarette.
“Is Ang coming?” Ava asked, eyes wide.
“No. Why?”
“She doesn’t know we smoke,” Jeremy said. “We stopped, but this…”
“I’m leaving,” I said. “I have to get home. I… I can’t express…”
“No more sorry,” Jeremy said. “She loved you, Lacey. So, we love you. Thank you for everything today, too. You didn’t have to do all this. Sorry if we leaned on you a little more than we should have.”
“Nothing to worry about.”
I hugged them and left.
I’d never see the inside of Jenny’s house again. And I’d never see Jenny’s kids again.
I’d never even make it to her viewing or her funeral.
By then, I was gone.
Tomorrow.
I forever told myself tomorrow. Everything would happen then. The easiest crutch to hold onto and believe in. Everyone was so used to tomorrow coming that when it didn’t, they were shocked and saddened. And when tomorrow did come, it was just taken for granted. For me, there was one day on the calendar when tomorrow scared me. And that was indeed tomorrow.
A day that revolved around a decade’s old promise. When two hearts tried to stay together but were forcefully ripped apart. A promise that we’d meet again at the same spot. That we’d pick up where the romance left off and life would be easy. Life would be fun. Life would be good. What we didn’t know back then was what time would push between us and how hard traveling through time would actually become.
Then again… it was all waiting for tomorrow.
And, yes, for nine years straight I made sure to have plans on that date. I made sure to be far away and busy and distracted so I could try to shave off some of the guilt. Last year I was on a tropical island as Kyle drank a lot of tequila, got drunk, did cartwheels naked on the beach, and even made out with the bartender that kept serving him drinks. I caught him kissing her and I felt nothing. He broke the kiss, grinned, and she offered for me to join. That wasn’t my bag, though. I left him there and never asked what happened after that.
For nine years, I made sure anything that resembled reality did not exist.
Only now there was a big difference.
I had nobody to distract me.
I had no job, either.
And the person I made a promise to tell the story to was now gone. I wasn’t sure about the whole heaven and hell thing, but if Jenny was spiritually somewhere, able to watch over me, then she’d see the story come to life.
I stayed up too late, got up too early, and drank too much coffee.
I packed two bags and carried them, along with years of memories, and left my apartment.
I was going to keep my promise.
Tomorrow had become today.
And
today I’d see the only man I ever truly loved.
River
ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO
I sat there, naked, and fished a smoke out of my jeans. I lit it up and blew smoke into the air of the old house. I had no idea who owned the house but we all partied and squatted there when we needed to. Maybe it wasn’t the most romantic place for someone to experience their first time, but it was all Lacey and I had. I made sure to bring a couple sleeping bags for cushion and I did steal a rose from the convenient shop. I looked over my shoulder and saw the imprint of her in the sleeping bag.
She was fantastic. Fucking gorgeous and beautiful. Everything I could have ever imagined in a woman. And trust me, she was all woman. It wasn’t just her age that dictated that, either. I was old enough to buy booze, finally, and Lacey was just a couple years behind me.
It amazed me she waited that long and then gave it up to me. I already had years under my belt, but most of it was all regret. I’d never regret Lacey, though.
By the time I finished my smoke, Lacey came walking back into the massive living room of the abandoned farmhouse. She was pulling her hair back, her hair clip between her lips. I had reached back and torn that clip from her hair. I loved her long hair. That sexy, dirty-blonde color that needed nothing more. Not like these other chicks who colored their hair, adding stripes and highlights and all that bullshit. Lacey was just herself. From the day I met her, she was the realest thing in a world that was all fake to me.
She was wearing her panties and her shirt. Her pants were balled up on the floor, thrown where I had put them. With her arms up and still playing with her hair, she looked delicious.
I stood up, my bare ass facing her. I grabbed my jeans and stepped into them, then turned, and she had her hair all fixed up again. She walked right to me, her slender hands sliding against my arms. The heat between us was insane. The house smelled of dust and age, but the closer I got to Lacey, the more I could smell her sweet skin. Her soap, her shampoo her perfume.
I stroked her cheek and gently kissed her.
“River,” she whispered. “That was amazing.”
“It gets better with time,” I said. “Whenever you’re ready again, I am.”
Lacey smiled. Her cheeks blushed. It was cute to me that she could blush by my words when I had just seen all of her. When I had touched and tasted all the most private and intimate of places on her body.
We kissed again, our tongues touching. The lust was raw. So fucking raw.
Lacey broke the kiss and looked up into my eyes. “Can I try something?”
“Anything you want.”
“I want to try a cigarette.”
“You’ve never tried one before?”
“No.”
“Wow, you really want to ruin all of you, huh?”
“Come on, River,” she said.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out another smoke. We stood there like we were two innocent kids, taking all the wrong choices in life. Truth was, we were both adults, living life on two very different paths. She wasn’t rich, but she had a shit-ton more than me. Her parents were well-off, and she had a comfortable and controlled life. The worst trouble she ever got into was giggling too loud in the hallways back in high school. And when she got yelled at, her face turned red and she almost cried.
“I just want to try,” she said, sticking out her lip.
“You know they’ll kill you,” I said. “Very dangerous for your health.”
“You’re dangerous for my health, River, but I’m still here.”
“You just got a taste of me,” I said.
“And I want more,” she said. She moved in for a kiss but stopped with barely a millimeter between us. “But first I want to cigarette.”
Fuck, she was sexy. Just ungodly, natural, and sexy. Like nobody I ever met, and I knew I’d never meet anyone close to her caliber.
“Fine,” I said.
We sat down on the sleeping bag with the same anticipation as we had a little bit ago before making love.
I lit up a fresh smoke and took a deep drag. I then gave it to Lacey. She held it awkwardly, like it was a firecracker and was going to blow up in her fingers. I smiled as she slowly put her lips to it. She was shaking with fear.
“Lacey…”
“Shut up,” she said.
Her eyes almost crossed as she tried to watch herself take her first drag. It was a quick one, lasting less than a second before she burst into a fit of coughing. She held the cigarette out, eyes shut as she coughed. I burst into laughter. I couldn’t help it.
“Asshole,” she said, eyes watering, face red.
“Give me that,” I said.
“No,” she said. “I’ll get it.”
I watched as Lacey took two more drags before passing it back to me.
I wouldn’t let her try again.
Her face looked a little white as her body tried to come to terms with what she had just done.
“If you feel sick, it’s okay,” I said. “That happens.”
“I’m fine,” she lied. “Just fine.”
I put the smoke out and grabbed her, pulling her close to my body. I didn’t need an addiction when I was with Lacey. She was my addiction. Shit, I had no plan in life. No path. No purpose. Nothing. I worked out of an auto garage and made more money in dealing with stolen parts and fighting than I did punching a clock. Sure, we’d meet up with other crews in the junk yard and bet on fights. I was the best fighter of our group and made decent money. Of course, that wasn’t exactly a real career. But fuck it, what did it matter? I had some cash in my pocket. I had no bills. No debt. I could buy smokes and beer. I could work on my truck for free. And best of all, I had the woman of my dreams in my arms, her fingers tickling down my chest, making me rock-hard again.
I rolled over and put my body on top of hers. I put my right fist to the floor and pushed up a little. She looked even prettier on her back. It was like something happened with the lighting or some shit, I couldn’t figure it out. She didn’t just make me hard, she made my heart pound in my chest.
I really loved her. It was far from some great physical thing. This shit was deep. This shit was real. I couldn’t stop kissing her. In fact, Lacey was the one who pulled at me, sliding her hand down my jeans, wanting to go at it again. For me, I was good with just kissing her until the sun came up over the ready-to-fall over, beat-up house.
I moved between her legs and propped myself up on my knees. I opened my jeans and paused so I could take in all her beauty. She knew the darkness inside me. Where I came from. That where I was going was like driving a car with the windshield fogged up. But she didn’t care. Maybe she was still too innocent to care. Maybe she was too dumb. No offense to her, but maybe that puppy-love stuff had gotten to her so bad she couldn’t understand reason or reality.
I wasn’t going to be the one to break her heart, though.
Even though our reality wasn’t going to let us be together.
I lifted her shirt up and started to kiss down her neck. Lacey put her head back and groaned. Her skin tasted so sweet. She was like fucking candy. Soft candy with a warm, creamy center. I exhaled and let my breath cascade against her left breast.
That’s when I heard the broken tailpipe thunder of a truck. A familiar truck, at that. Then came the horn. A half-dead horn that sounded more like a whine than something intimidating.
I broke away from Lacey’s body and pulled her shirt down.
I saw the lights of the truck flashing against the window as the vehicle grew closer to the house.
“Shit,” I whispered.
“What’s wrong?” Lacey asked.
I looked at her. “I have to go, darlin’.”
“What? Why?”
“I need you to just stay here, okay? I’ll be back soon.”
“River, I can’t. I have to get home.”
“You can take my truck,” I said. “Your parents will flip out about it, though. Park it on the street and I’ll get it.”
The truck horn blared again.
Fuck me, I’d forgotten about my nine o’clock thing.
I got up on my knees, towering over Lacey.
“This is work stuff,” I said.
“You have to fix a car right now?”
I smiled. “It’s my other job. Look, it’s going to be okay, darlin’. I just have to go. I’m sorry. Will you stay here and wait for me?”
“Yes,” she said. She pushed to sit up. “I’ll be here, River. But I can’t stay all night.”
I grabbed for my truck keys. “Take these. If it gets past midnight, I want you to drive home. Blame me. Your parents already hate me. I don’t need them to hate you.”
“River, I’m scared.”
I slipped my hand behind her neck, pulled her close, and leaned down. I kissed her. “Darlin’, there’s nothing to be scared of. This house is big, empty, old. Cuddle up the sleeping bag and relax. You know how to get out of here and get home. I’ll be fine.”
“Please hurry.”
“I’ll try my best.”
We kissed again, and I stood up. I grabbed my t-shirt and my smokes. I looked back at her one last time and smiled at her with a wink.
The second I walked out that door, it was all business.
There were two guys in the front of the truck. Two more guys in the bed of the truck. They all had bottles of beer. Someone threw one from the bed of the truck at me. I snagged it midair and popped it open.
I jumped into the bed of the truck, and we were off.
“You ready?” one of the guys, Charlie, asked me.
I made a fist. “I never lose.”
“You leave something behind in there?” He pointed to the house as the darkness swallowed it up.
“Nothing for you to worry about,” I said.
I pounded back the first beer. The second one I took my time with.
I never got nervous when it came to work.
Except this time. I had butterflies in my stomach, and I knew why.
