Still Taking Chances

by Roz Lee

  She went to the other side of the room, and returned with a leather-covered box and set it in front of him. “Lean over and put your hands out over your head.”

  The leather was cold on his naked chest, and the intricate tooling dug into his skin. It was narrow enough that his hips didn’t touch, and his head hung between his shoulders on the other side. His cock almost brushed the floor between his legs, spread wide for balance. Mary Beth looped the chain around the leg of her workbench and secured it with a lock and key. The key clunked and bounced as it landed on her workbench, well out of his reach.

  He tracked her with his eyes as she went back to her bag of tricks. A few minutes later, his ankles were shackled and a spreader bar held them further apart, almost to the point of discomfort. Real fear shivered up his spine. He’d made her mad, and she wasn’t going to let him get by with it. Anger built inside him too. He’d come to her, hadn’t he? “Let me go.”

  “You’ll address me properly as Mistress. If you really want me to let you go, use your safe word. But are you that much of a coward, Elgin? Why don’t you tell me what you’re really afraid of?”

  “I’m not afraid of you, Mistress.” He spat out her title as if it was bitter fruit.

  “Very well. Tell me what brought you back to Prairieview. What went wrong, Elgin?”

  “Nothing went wrong.”

  “You’re lying to me, Elgin. I warned you about lying.” She crossed to her bag again and his heart stopped when he saw what she brought out. She placed the dildo and harness on the worktable and squatted down next to him. His mouth went dry as she snapped on a pair of rubber gloves. “You will tell me the truth, Elgin. I promise you that.”

  “Please, Mistress,” he begged. “Don’t. Don’t.”

  “Use your safe word, or shut up.”

  Hud’s mouth was as dry as the desert. He hung his head between his shoulders and mentally called himself every name he could think of. Mary Beth moved behind him and when he squeezed his butt cheeks tight, she brought her hand down hard on his ass. “Let me in, Elgin. Relax. I won’t hurt you.”

  Like hell she wouldn’t. A sputtering blurp rent the air. He knew that sound. Lube. Hud willed his ass to relax, and before he could tense his muscles again, Mary Beth rammed the dildo into his ass. Fuck. His cock went limp, and hot blood flooded his face. His stomach heaved, and he choked back shame and humiliation.

  “There, that looks so nice. I know it’s big, but anything smaller wouldn’t have gotten your attention.” She talked as she fastened the harness around his hips to keep the invader seated. “I wish you could see it. It’s a vibrator, you know.” He didn’t need to see it. The fucking thing was as big as a goddamned telephone pole. Even the slightest movement made it shift and probe things never meant to be probed. “I’m going to turn it on now, so you’ll feel some pressure when I slide the button over. It won’t vibrate yet. Its remote controlled. I won’t use it unless I need to.”

  Hud groaned when she flicked the switch. He suspected she pushed harder than was necessary, just to make sure he understood what exactly was up his ass. Like he didn’t know. His ass burned as if she’d rammed hot coals up it, and the pressure made him weak all over. It unmanned him, and she damn well knew it.

  “So tell me, Elgin. What brought you to Prairieview.”

  “Go to hell, bitch.”

  “That’s no way to talk to your Mistress.” The vibrator buzzed against his prostate and his cock surged to life. “You see what will happen now, Elgin. I have all day. I have lots of ugly condoms and batteries.”

  “I’m on vacation.”

  His ass buzzed, and his cock twitched. “Try again.”

  He wouldn’t. He couldn’t tell her how bad he’d screwed up. He’d rather fill a hundred ugly condoms than tell her the truth. She’d hate him when she found out what he’d done, and he’d rather die than have her hate him. Everyone he’d ever loved had hated him. His mother, his grandmother. No. That wasn’t right. His grandmother had loved him. She had loved him, no matter how much he’d tested her, pushed her to admit she couldn’t stand the sight of him. No matter how much trouble he got into, she always said, “You’re a good boy, Elgin. You shouldn’t take so many chances.”

  His ass buzzed again. “I’m waiting, and my patience is wearing thin.”

  Hud willed his mind to another place, but the longer he was silent, the longer and harder the vibrations became. He hung his head in shame as he filled the first condom and she knelt beside him and sheathed him again. She laid the used condom on the floor beneath his face so the only way he could not see it was to close his eyes. She offered him water and he refused. He’d be damned before he’d accept her charity. Her soft hands stroked along his spine, over his ass, offering comfort he didn’t want, or need.

  She stripped and knelt beside his head. The scent of her arousal overpowered him and he came on his own, earning him ten stinging blows to his buttocks with a crop she pulled from that pink bag of hers. He fucking hated that bag.

  His arms screamed for release. His legs and back ached from trying to support his weight. The edges of the chest dug into his ribs and stomach. He’d endured worse, but less had been at stake. Every time he tried to escape into his inner fortress, Mary Beth pursued him, dragging him back to reality with a touch or a glimpse of the heaven between her legs. She coated his lips with nectar from heaven, and praised him when his greedy tongue licked them clean. Each time her demand for truth met with resistance, she took control out of his grasp, and his body did her bidding.

  He’d never been less in control of his body, or his mind. He’d submitted to others, but never had a woman demanded he surrender everything the way Mary Beth did. She demanded, then she promised healing. “Tell me, Elgin. You can’t heal until you let it out.”

  She demanded, then she told him what it felt like to be free. “Tell me, Elgin. The only freedom is in letting go of the past.”She demanded, then she waited. “Tell me, Elgin.”

  But she didn’t know the fear inside. The deep, all consuming fear that coiled through him like a vile parasite. Fear that he wasn’t the man he’d tried so hard to become, the man worthy of respect and love, from his grandmother, from the world, from her. The fear that in his guilt and grief, he’d let it all slip away. And if he told her, she’d see the real Elgin Huddleston, and hate him.

  As the line of condoms grew, the walls of his fortress crumbled. The rope of self-control he held so tight, unraveled until there was nothing left to grasp onto. She’d won.

  “Water,” he said. Mary Beth held a water bottle to his lips, and he drank. What the hell. He might as well tell her. He would be going back soon, and he’d never see her again. What did it matter if she knew? If she hated him? A woman like Mary Beth couldn’t ever love a miserable screw up like him anyway. He’d known that from the beginning.

  “I screwed up. Two of my men got killed because of me, because I had my head up my ass.” He chuckled at the irony of the situation. Here he was with something solid up his ass, telling his mistress his darkest secrets. “I should have turned command over to someone else when I got the news about my grandmother’s death, but I thought I could handle it. I took a chance, a stupid chance, one I should never have taken, and two men died. I fucked up. That’s why I came here. I’ve been on administrative leave. I am a screw up. My grandmother would have been appalled to call me her grandson.”

  Mary Beth sat on the floor beside him. She silently stroked his back as he confessed what he considered his greatest failure. Mary Beth placed a line of tiny kisses from the base of his spine to his nape as the shame and guilt poured out of him and formed two salty puddles on the spent condoms.

  He had no idea how long they sat there before she gently removed the vibrator from his ass and cleansed him with such tenderness, he wondered how she could be the same woman who’d put the vile thing there in the first place. She removed the ankle shackles and finally, she freed his wrists. He sat back on his heels. His legs tremble
d as she removed the last condom.

  “Take a shower and dress, Elgin.”

  He wasn’t at all sure he could stand, but Mary Beth helped him up, and with her arm wrapped around his waist, he made it to the bathroom and the shower. When she left him alone, he slumped against the wall and let the water sluice over him. He had nothing left inside him. He’d spewed out every vile secret, every grotesque truth, and he felt empty, and utterly alone.

  * * * * *

  Mary Beth put everything away and tossed the spent condoms in the trash while Elgin showered and dressed. She wanted to join him, to wrap her arms around him and let him lean on her, but it was time to let him stand on his own. His fears were out in the open now, and he had to face them down on his own.

  His face was pale, and he wasn’t steady on his legs when he came out of the bathroom. Her heart opened, took him in and wrapped itself around him the way she physically longed to, but couldn’t. There was no dislodging him now. Her heart knew his in every way possible, and there would never be room for another.

  As much as she loved him and wanted him, Elgin wasn’t ready to love her, or anyone. He had to love himself and accept who and what he was before he would be ready to accept the love of another. She had to let him go.

  She fed him a giant sandwich from the refrigerator, and when the color had returned to his face, she gave him what he’d come home to find. She took the ends of the rope, and wove them back together and gave him the handhold he needed. It was up to him whether he would grab hold and take what he really wanted out of life. She could only pray it would be her.

  “You made a mistake, Elgin. You’re only human. Think about it. Was there a better way to have handled the situation?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. At the time it seemed like the best plan.”

  “Did you do everything you could to keep your men safe?”

  “Yes. I always do, but I was distracted. I’d just been told that my grandmother had died.”

  “Were you thinking about her during the mission?”

  “No. I put it out of my mind. I had to.”

  “Then, you couldn’t have done anything more. Your job is dangerous. The men under you know that, and they accept the risk, the same as you do.”

  “But they depend on me to make the right decisions.”

  “What else could you have done?”

  “I should have gone in myself. Instead, I sent someone else to do the job for me.”

  “So, you think you should have been the one killed? They would have killed whoever went in, right?”

  “Yeah.” He held his head in his hands. Anguish poured out in his next words. “It should have been me.”

  “No, Elgin. You just wish it had been you. It would be easier to be dead than to live with the guilt, but what you don’t see is, there shouldn’t be any guilt. You were doing your job, and your men were doing theirs. They understood the risk. They could have said no if they thought they couldn’t handle it.”

  “I know,” he said. “I’ve told myself that a million times, but I still don’t believe it.”

  “Does the rest of your team believe it was your fault?”

  “No. I was never accused of any wrongdoing. I’m on leave because it’s standard procedure. I’ve been cleared to return for a while now.”

  Mary Beth walked him to the door and kissed him on the cheek. “Goodbye, Elgin.” He didn’t ask for more. He still didn’t believe he deserved the love she’d shown him each time he’d placed his body and soul in her hands. She closed the door behind him, unable to watch him walk away. Her heart knew he might never be back.

  Chapter Eight

  Mary Beth walked through the rest of spring like a zombie. Summer turned to fall, and she finished the sculpture she’d begun when she was with Elgin. It depicted him on his knees, his face defiant, challenging her to unlock his soul. She considered it her finest work and kept it in her bedroom. She produced more for sale over those months than she ever had in her life. She couldn’t sleep at night and spent almost all her waking hours in her studio, or at the gallery on Main Street.

  She filled her empty life with work, and tried to forget Elgin, an impossible task if she’d ever seen one. Her body ached for him. Her heart cried for him. He’d left the morning following his last confession, without a word of goodbye to her. She hadn’t expected him to stay, or to thank her for what she’d done. She’d wanted to help him, had been compelled to help him, but once again, she’d locked her toys away in the leather clad chest in the back of her closet. This time, she vowed, she’d never open it again.

  Elgin had taken her heart with him when he left, and without her heart, the toys were little more than mementos of a life she once had.

  His house sold to a couple with a small baby. They painted it white with yellow shutters that Elgin would hate on sight, and the roses Mrs. Huddleston had loved so much had been replaced with flowers without thorns. Mary Beth hated the new flowers. Because they were so harmless, they held no interest for her. She liked the challenge of snipping a rose without being bitten by the thorns.

  * * * * *

  Hud parked the rental at the curb and walked through the marble jungle. He had no trouble finding the marker he was looking for. He knelt next to his grandmother’s headstone and traced the angel with his fingertip. “Well Memaw, you were right. I’m always taking chances.”

  He’d been gone six months, one hundred and eighty endless, meaningless days. “I thought I was doing the right thing, I really did. Going back to that life wasn’t taking a chance, not really. Sure, it’s dangerous work, but I’m good at it. I know that now. Mary Beth helped me see that.” Hud unwrapped the flowers he’d picked up from a grocery store near the airport and placed them in the brass urn embedded in the stone. “I told you the last time that I was through taking chances, but I’m going to take the biggest chance of my life today Memaw. I hope you approve.”

  Hud rose and looked around the cemetery. He was alone. Not many people came this early, before the dew had evaporated. He looked down at the wet patch on his knee and slapped at it to dislodge the grass cuttings clinging there. “I’ve got to go now, but I’ll be back to let you know how this works out.” The walk seemed longer than it ever had. This time he carried nothing with him. Everything he needed was here, hopefully.

  He noticed his grandmother’s house first. It looked the same except for the recent paint job. He cringed at the yellow shutters. To each his own. The roses had been replaced by some low growing plants he couldn’t make out, or identify, and the lawn was neatly clipped. The only thing missing was the ‘For Sale’ sign. He glanced across the street to Mary Beth’s house.

  He stood on the corner and gathered his courage to make the short walk to her front door. He was known by his co-workers as a man of steel. He faced the worst situations with no sign of fear, as if he had nothing to lose. For the most part that had been exactly how he felt, like a man with nothing to lose. Somehow, in the few weeks he’d spent in Prairieview, that had changed. And somewhere in a godforsaken South American jungle, he’d realized he didn’t feel hopeless anymore. There was something, someone, in Prairieview he could lose, if he hadn’t already.

  He forced his feet to move along the sidewalk and up the stairs to the porch. He closed his eyes, sucked in a deep breath, and punched the doorbell. Every nerve ending screamed in protest as he held himself still, waiting, but she didn’t come. He glanced in the front window. The house was empty. He cursed under his breath. She’d be in her studio, of course.

  He faced the door with none of the trepidation he had before. He’d had plenty of time to think about the lessons she’d taught him, and the one he clung to was the lesson of love. Even though she’d never said the words, no mistress could delve so deep into a slave’s soul and not love him. He’d hated himself, and believed she would hate him too when she learned the truth, but she’d seen into his soul and shown him what she saw, a good man, an honest man, a man worth saving. She’d sa
ved him, and a few months in the jungle had shown him she’d been right. He owed her his life, and he was prepared to give it to her now, if she’d have it.

  She opened the door and he knew what it was to come home. Her smile lit his world, and warmed the coldest recesses of his soul. When she took his hand and pulled him inside, he followed.

  “Elgin,” she said as if she knew he’d come to tell her something important.

  “Mistress, Mary Beth. . . . ” he fumbled for the words. “ I’ve taken chances all my life, Mary Beth, and I’m still taking chances.” He pulled his chrome-plated handcuffs from his pocket. “I swear this is the last chance I’m going to take with my life.” He went down on one knee and held the handcuffs up to her in the palm of his hand. “I love you, Mary Beth Winters. Will you marry me?”

  * * * * *

  He was back, and he’d brought her handcuffs! She’d never seen anything so wonderful in her life as the man on his knees before her. She, more than anyone, knew what it cost him to give her that gesture. Her heart threatened to burst it was so full of love for him, and there it was in his eyes, reflected back at her, his love for her. She tried to speak, but she couldn’t get enough air in her lungs to form a sound. Instead, she crossed her arms over her stomach, gripped the hem of her shirt in her hands, and pulled it over her head. Then she reached for his and did the same. He let her, the confusion, and yes, lust, evident on his face.

  She tossed the shirts to the floor and took the handcuffs from him. She fastened one on his left wrist and the other on her right one.

  “Is that a yes?” he asked.