Z-Burbia 7: Sisters of the Apocalypse

by Jake Bible

  They are whole and they are hungry and here they come!

  I jump from the bathtub, my heavy lamp in hand and brace myself.

  "Come on, you fuckers," I snarl. "You want a piece of Elsbeth? You want some El hell? Just keep coming and I'll give it to you."

  They come at me and I get my lamp ready. Gonna smash some Z skulls with this beauty. Gonna smash, smash, smash… Uh…

  They aren't coming at me anymore.

  Then I hear it. Chains. The Zs have chains on them. Why the shitfucking hell would Zs have chains on them? That ain't right.

  I step from the bathtub and move a little closer. Good thing, because a whole shit ton of Zs come falling down the bathroom hole and slam into my tub. Z guts and parts explode all over the place and I duck to avoid most of it. Not all of it, but most. I still get some Z guts all over my ass and back of my legs. Asshole Z guts.

  I crush a few skulls and turn back to the chained Zs. The closer I get, the weirder shit gets. There's like a couple dozen Zs all chained together in front of one badass looking door. All iron and shit with some heavy-duty bracing. It's like something Long Pork would design if he wanted to make sure Zs couldn't get in a room.

  I search for a way past the Zs, but that ain't happening. They close ranks and come at me, only the chains keeping them from getting my ass.

  More Zs fall from above then more. It's starting to get crowded in the stinky basement. I do my crush, crush, smash thing and sit down for a breather. Don't know where my sisters are right now. Probably searching for me. If they came in through the fire escape then they are totally on the wrong side of the building.

  I watch as more and more Zs crash into my tub, making it a soft landing for the ones that follow. A few don't even break when they hit.

  "Fucking Zs," I say and get up, ready to get back to killing Zs. I get so sick of killing Zs. I love it too. I don't know. I love it, I hate it, whatever.

  There's a quiet sliding noise behind me and a voice says, "Pssst. Lady. You bit?"

  I turn to the iron door and squint. Can't see shit in this stupid, dark basement.

  "I ain't bit," I call back. "Are you?"

  "What? No," the voice says. It's a woman. Can't tell how old. "Stand over there by that barrel. I'll let you in before more of the undead fall down at ya."

  "Thanks," I say and look for a barrel. There's no fucking barrel. "There's no fucking barrel."

  "Oh, right, sorry," the woman says. "Hold tight."

  I hear the chains start moving then the Zs are pulled all the way back to the wall where the door's at. They are yanked tight to the old brick, leaving a path for me to get to the door.

  "Sure you aren't bit?" the woman asks again.

  I can make out a spot in the door where some hatch thing has been opened. Two bright eyes are staring out at me.

  "I told ya, I ain't bit," I snap. "You gonna let me in or what?"

  "You aren't going to hurt me, are ya?" she asks.

  "Hurt you? Why the fuck would I hurt you?" I growl. "If I wanted to hurt you, I'd pull my knife from my belt and toss it through that little hole. I'm that good, lady. I'd pop your eye before you could blink."

  She don't say nothing back for a while.

  "That, uh, doesn't make me feel safer," the woman finally says. Finally.

  More Zs hit my bathtub, so I spin about and knock some heads loose. When I'm done, I turn back to the door and it's open. A small woman, older than me, but not like old old, is standing there, her mouth hanging as open as the damn iron door.

  "You're pretty good with that lamp," she says.

  "I'm fucking great with this lamp," I say. "You should see me with my blades."

  "You got blades?" she asks. I point up. "Oh."

  Half the horde from above comes tumbling down the hole and she squeaks like a little mouse.

  "Get in, get in," she hisses.

  I shrug and get in. Might as well. She may be a canny or she may be crazy, but I've been both, so who gives a shit, right? Right.

  She slams the door behind me and locks it with like a hundred locks and a dozen fucking crossbars. Then she shoves six bracing bars against the door and wipes her brow.

  "Hard work," she says and scoots past me. "Come on. I was making lunch."

  She smacks a lever thing as she walks by and I hear chains start rattling outside.

  "You keep those guys there to scare off Zs or people?" I ask as I follow her down a gloomy ass hallway to a small room with a comfy chair and a big desk.

  "Both," she says. "Haven't had one person or undead get inside here since it all started. Some tried, but none made it."

  "You been in here since Z-Day?" I ask.

  "That what they call it? Yeah, I guess I have," she nods and goes to the desk where there's a little camp stove and some cans of food. "You like lima beans? I got lima beans."

  "I like whatever ain't gonna poison me or make me have to shit all day long," I reply.

  She laughs. "Same here," she says and puts a pot on the stove then starts opening one of the cans.

  The smell smacks me in the face and I wave my hand in front of my nose.

  "Bad beans," I say. "Toss those, open another can."

  "Oh, they's fine," she says. "May taste a bit strong, but won't kill ya."

  "Yeah, they will," I say as I go and grab the can from her. I give it a close up sniff and almost lose my cookies. Not that I have cookies. I got puke. Not a lot, but enough to make a mess if I sniff those fucking beans again. "Way gone. Open the other can."

  The woman watches me for a bit, takes the can back, sets it down on the desk, and opens the other can. It's just as bad. Maybe worse. Here come the cookies.

  "Jesus shitfucking Christ," I say. "Where's your trash? Get rid of this shit now. I'm gonna hurl bad."

  I go to grab the can, but she jerks away from me, clutching the stinky thing to her tits like it's a damn kitten. A stinky, nasty kitten you don't want to be eating.

  "These beans are fine," the woman snaps. "I been eating them for days now. Still standing. Not dead."

  "You will be," I say. "You can't figure that out? That's bad beans. Really bad beans."

  "Lima beans got a smell to them," the woman says. "You get used to it."

  "I don't want to get used to it," I say. "I don't want nothing to do with those beans. You wanna eat them then eat them. I'll pass, lady."

  "Inez," the woman says.

  "You nez what?" I ask. "What does that mean?"

  "That's my name," the woman says. "Inez. My name."

  "Oh," I reply. "I'm Elsbeth."

  "Elsbeth," she says it a couple more times and nods at me. "Elsbeth."

  "Yep, that's what I said," I say and give her a smile. I look around. "Only the one door?"

  "There's another," Inez answers. That's all she says.

  Jesus...

  "Can I use it?" I ask. "I appreciate you wanting to feed me and all, but I got to go find my sisters."

  "Sisters?" she asks. She forgets about the beans and almost lets them fall, but sets the second can down with the first. "You have family with you? Family that has supplies and stuff?"

  "I have my sisters, yeah," I say. "We slept on the roof then I fell and now I'm here. I gotta find them so we can keep doing what we're doing."

  "What are you doing?" she asks. "Maybe I can help. I know this town. Know every inch of it. If you're looking for something, I bet I know where it is."

  She starts looking around the room and I see her eyes get all wide and shit. She looks back at me and her smile gets as wide as her eyes.

  "Take me with you," she says. "Please."

  "Listen, you've been nice and all, but we aren't taking on any new folks," I say.

  I try to sound all casual, but I don't think it works because she starts tearing up and then the tears start falling and then she starts crying full on and then...

  "Shit," I say as she falls to her knees and curls up in a fucking ball. She's crying hard. Baby in a ball crying. "S
hit. Lady? Inez? Listen, it ain't up to me, see? We sisters, we make decisions together. I can't just tell them you're coming with us. Anyway, we ain't planning on going home for a while. We've got a mission."

  She wails like I just kicked her or something. I didn't kick her. Just so you know. I didn't touch her at all. Not even a nudge with my boot. Fuck, she's got some lungs on her.

  "Inez? You gotta stop," I say as she gets louder. I ain't sure, but I think I hear the Zs outside her door start to get riled up. "You're making the Zs freak out. Inez? Inez! INEZ!"

  I pick her up off the floor, she weighs nothing, and shake her. Hard.

  "You gotta shut the fuck up, you hear me?" I shout. "There's a lot of Zs out in that basement and they're gonna want in here if you keep crying like a shitfucking baby! So stop crying like a shitfucking baby!"

  "Take me with you!" she screams at me.

  I'm holding her like two feet from the floor and she's doing nothing except blubbering and snotting everywhere. I could so snap her fucking neck and just be done with her. But that ain't me. Not gonna snap her neck. Don't snap her neck. Snapping her neck is bad.

  "Where's the other way out?" I ask as Zs begin to scrape and claw at the door.

  Her crying brought them all to it and I can hear the steel groaning almost as loud as the Zs. It's locked, and barred, and braced, so it should hold, but…

  "Inez, where's the other way out?" I ask again. "Just tell me where it is and I'll be gone and out of your hair forever, okay?"

  She grabs my shirt and pulls her face up close to mine. She ain't exactly got the best teeth. Bad teeth equals bad breath and, shit, here come my cookies again.

  "I ain't telling you where the other way out is," she says as I drop her and keep from puking. "Take me with you and I'll tell. Only way you're getting out of here is with me."

  "Why do you want to leave?" I ask. I scan the place for a sign of a door or something. "It's a pretty nice place, ya got here. Look at that comfy chair. Can't bring that comfy chair with you."

  "Fuck that comfy chair!" she screeches. "I ain't been with folks in years! I been alone! All alone! I don't want to be alone no more! I don't wanna be alone!"

  "Okay, okay, you don't wanna be alone," I say. "I get that. I do. But, dammit, I can bring you with me, but like I fucking said, we ain't going home. We're on a mission and shit gets dangerous when sisters are on a mission. You'll probably just get killed. I can bet right now you'll get killed because you ain't a sister."

  "I could be," she says. "I could be a sister. What's it take to be one? You got a code or some ritual I gotta do?"

  "What? No. There ain't no stupid ritual," I say. "Why the hell would there be a ritual?"

  "Because that's how sororities work," she says. "I was in one in college. I can be your pledge and then, when you know I'm worth it, you can make me a full sister."

  "Sorority? Jesus," I sigh. It's a long sigh because now I know for sure this chick is crazy as batshit. "We ain't a sorority. We ain't got a ritual or nothing like that. We're sisters in a different way and you can't be one of us because there ain't no more of us left. It ain't something you'd understand."

  "I could," she says. "I could understand. Take me with you and I promise to understand."

  I pull a knife, flip it about my hand then throw it against the wall, nailing some crawly bug right in the back.

  "Can you do that?" I ask. "Can you do that to a Z while also hacking another one to death with your other hand? Can you knife a Z, hack a Z, and kick two more dead with your boots? You know how to shoot? You know how to rappel or fly a helicopter? You ever killed a hundred Zs on your own?"

  She stares at me. Doesn't say a word, just stares at me. Then her head turns and she looks at the bug smear on the wall.

  "I can learn," she says. "Please. Take me with you. I know those beans are bad. That's all I got left. Once those cans are empty then so is this town. There ain't a scrap of food left. I already found all that hasn't been stolen or scavenged. Used to be more hidden away, but it was stolen."

  "Stolen?" I ask. "Are there others around here?"

  "It was strangers," she says. "From out of town."

  "I'm looking for strangers," I say. "How long ago was this? Were any of them kids?"

  She sniffles hard and nods. "Yeah. Kids."

  "They were? What kids?" I snap and grab her again.

  She squeaks and tries to get away, but that ain't happening.

  "What kids?" I snarl.

  "I don't know," she squawks. "Some kids. About six of them, maybe. They're, uh, creepy. Slink around like lizards."

  "Are they blind?" I ask. "Did you see their eyes?"

  "No," she says. "They wear sunglasses or goggles. But they sure don't act blind."

  "No, they wouldn't," I say. "But they are. Well, not all. Some of them are just deaf. I think. Not sure no more since we can't find the little fucks."

  "I can take you to them!" Inez shouts. "I know where they are!"

  Dammit.

  That goes on for like forever before I finally give in. It's either that or kill the crazy, whiny bitch. She's annoying as all shit, but not enough to get a knife to the temple.

  "Okay," I finally say. "I'll take you with me. But I'm only gonna keep you safe until we find those kids. After that you are on your own."

  "You don't need to worry about me," she says, jumping around the room and clapping her hands. "I've survived this long. I can survive just fine on my own."

  "Yeah, right," I say and sneer. "Now, where the fuck is the other way out?"

  Chapter Four

  Turns out there's another room. You wouldn't know it when you first look at Inez's little shitbox. I guess you'd call it a bathroom? I ain't got no clue.

  Yeah, there's a toilet and a shower stall, but those only take up a small part of the space. The rest is all shelves with cleaning stuffs on them. They ain't doing no cleaning anymore, just collecting lots of fucking dust. Lady got a room of cleaning supplies, but she don't clean a thing.

  "Through here," Inez says and points at the shower.

  "We going down the drain?" I ask. "Because I can't fit. You can't either. You know that, right?"

  I got to ask. Inez is cuckoo pants and I ain't got no plans on hanging with a cuckoo pants lady that thinks she can fit down a drain. That's just fucking nuts.

  "No, no, not the drain," she says and gives me a smile as she grabs onto the side of the shower stall. "Help me shove it out of the way."

  I grab the other side and we pull. The damn shower comes away from the wall like it's made of nothing. We get it a few feet back and stop.

  "I'll be dipped in Z shit," I say as I check out the huge hole in the wall. "Where does it go?"

  "Under everything," Inez says. "Under the streets and other buildings. Connects to lots of places, but most places aren't worth being connected to. Most is overrun with the undead, anyway. Don't want to go in those places."

  A thought hits me in my brainpan and I frown.

  "Why do you have Zs chained up outside your place?" I ask.

  "Keeps the undead and other people away," she says.

  "What other people?" I ask. I turn to her and put my hands on my hips. The only weapon I have on me is my knife on my belt. I left the lamp out there. "You mean other than the strangers you mentioned?"

  "What? Uh, no, no, just the strangers," she says. "People coming into town like you. Scavengers and cannies. Got to watch out for cannies around here."

  I narrow my eyes because Greta says I look scary as shit when I narrow my eyes. Inez don't flinch. She gives me an uncomfortable smile and points at the dark tunnel that was hidden behind the shower stall.

  "This is why I stayed here," Inez says. "Back way out. In case too many cannies come and break into my place."

  "You don't know that the undead are called Zs, but you know that cannibals are called cannies?" I ask. "Why's that?"

  There's a loud groaning of metal from the other room. The front door ain't doin
g so well. Reinforced or not, you put a whole shit ton of Zs up against anything and they will eventually take it down. Charlie has some big, fancy, sciencey name for it, but I just call it "duh."

  Inez grabs a short metal bar from the floor and walks into the tunnel. She bangs on some exposed pipes in the ceiling and steps back.

  "Making sure there aren't any undead in the tunnel," she says. "They'll come to the noise and then we can bash them over the head with the bars." She points at a pile of bars in the corner. "Grab yourself one. They're good and solid."

  She waits then steps back into the tunnel and bangs on the pipes again. While she does that, I pick up two bars, one for each hand. They ain't sharp like my blades, but they got some good heft and I know I can do some major damage with them.

  Inez bangs again.

  "Stop that," I say. "If the Zs ain't heard the first banging then all you're doing is giving away our position."

  "Giving away our position?" Inez laughs from inside the tunnel. She's gone a ways in and it's too dark for me to see her anymore. "Are you in the military, Elsbeth?"

  "Not quite," I say. "But close."

  I wait for more banging, or for her to speak again, but there's nothing. Just the Zs from the basement smacking the metal door and groaning their asses off. I take a step into the tunnel.

  "Inez? Where you at?" I call out. "Hey! Inez!"

  She doesn't call back. I tilt my head, but can't hear her footsteps or anything. Still too much noise from the Zs out in the basement.

  I ain't stupid. I got some problems in my head, no joking about that, but stupid ain't one of the problems. I got a couple choices. I can follow Inez and see where the tunnel leads. Or I can wait for the Zs to break down the metal door and fight my way back into the basement then find my way out from there.

  That first choice, the one where I follow Inez, ain't so good because I am beginning to think she ain't what she says she is. Gut feeling. Like those beans. She says she's been eating them, but ain't no way a person can eat those bad beans and still be walking around. Not without shit dripping from her ass. And the not knowing what Zs are called, but knowing what cannies are. That don't fit either.

  But fighting a basement of Zs don't sound like a good choice at all. I can hear a lot of them out there. Probably every Z in the building fell down that bathroom hole and is knocking to get inside. They want my tasty Elsbeth flesh. Long Pork used to joke like that and I see why. Shit be true. Zs want tasty meat and I am the tastiest they've seen in a long time.