He looked at me. “What?”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I choked on my own words. My face heated. A confession I didn’t know I even had inside escaped out in a rush.
Goddamn my stupid, stupid mouth.
I turned away.
He wouldn’t let me get away from it. “I care about you, too, Aurora.”
My name was like a caress.
“I’ve been in this place before, though, and I don’t know if I’m ready to do it again.” He looked down at the half-completed owl carving in his hands. “And when I found you outside your apartment, I felt as if I was reliving the worst moment of my life.”
“What do you mean?” Even though I very well thought I knew what he meant, I played innocent.
“It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got time, remember?” I gestured at the empty, isolated cabin we were sitting in. “I’m stuck here for the night, and you don’t have a tv.”
He gave me a smile, but it was a pained one. “A couple of years ago I lost someone close to me.” He set down his half-finished carving.
“Oh?” A plaid blanket had been strewn across the back of the couch. I sunk my fingers into the scratchy wool. It would be nice to cuddle up under a blanket like this, get a fire going in the wood stove in the corner.
“Here.” Ben helped me swath myself in plaid wool. He touched his fingers to the bandaged wound above my ear. “That bastard better hope I don’t find him before the police.” His voice lowered to a growl.
Although his touch was gentle, I winced. “Ow.” The area had become sensitive. The pain meds they gave me must’ve worn off.
“Sorry.” His gaze sharpened to blue. Instead of returning to the arm chair, he settled next to me. “She was the exact opposite of you. All about shopping and clothes, makeup and hair. A real girly-girl type.”
I suddenly felt very self-conscious about my appearance. I’d spent the night in the hospital. I had taken a quick shower before I’d left, but had braided my boring brown hair and wore the same clothes I’d worn the night of my attack.
“We’d met in Florida. When I was going through some more advanced dive training. At a bar. Not the best place to meet a girl, I know.” He looked down at his feet. “I thought it was going to be a fling. She was beautiful and seemed to be really into me. After a deployment to Iraq, I was ready to forget about the bad stuff. Put it behind me. Laura—that was her name—there was nothing unhappy with her, it was all fun, fun, fun, party, party, party.”
My mind shifted back to the picture of Laura Snow on Facebook. Her angelic looks, her perfect smile. I was nothing like Laura.
“We got serious too quickly.”
“Serious?”
“I guess you’d call it engaged.”
“Oh.” I knew this, yet hearing the words was like a punch to the gut. I didn’t want to hear about his gorgeous blonde fiancée who probably was a million times more interesting and accomplished than I was. I had been a throwaway to my mother, a messed up, misguided, and unlovely girl who’d always felt awkward in her own skin. Who’d cried and cried when my brown hair just got darker and uglier and more boring. With my too-skinny legs and tomboy approach to everything. I was used to being covered in dirt and sand and smelling like rotting fish and seaweed. I didn’t know what it must be like to be Laura Snow. Perfect, smiling Laura.
He gave me a quick glance, his blue eyes penetrating. “It was a mistake. I realized that eventually.”
I had the words bottled up inside me. I knew what happened to her. Laura had been murdered. Someone had taken away her life. Kind of an awful way for me to realize my competition was no longer around. To be pleased inside that this woman could no longer step in and take Ben away. But I kept silent. I waited for Ben to tell me. I wanted him to tell me. Confess everything. Let me be his one and only confidant. And I would keep his secrets. I would listen and nod and not say a thing. I just wanted to keep him near me. Keep him with me. Not lose another person. Not see someone else walk away whom I loved.
Yes, loved.
I surprised myself when I thought this. Was I in love with Ben Abel?
“I deployed again. She waited for me. Nine months. We’d Skype and email and all that, but it was obvious she’d moved on.” He sighed. “But I stuck with it. I kept believing it would work out. Every guy deployed wants to believe he’s got a girl back home, someone he’s fighting for that makes it all worth it. Laura had made me care again.”
“So where is she now?” I had to keep up my end of the game. Pretend I knew nothing and that I believed the gorgeous, perfect Laura Snow still roamed the earth ready to snatch Ben out of my grasp.
His expression clouded. “She died.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” I touched his hand. I willed him to tell me the rest of the story. To tell me about her murder and why there was a news story that said he had killed her.
“Nothing to be sorry about.”
“Well, I mean, breaking off a relationship is one thing, but ending it that way…so abruptly.”
He nodded. Then he looked away. He said nothing else. What did that mean? Why did he turn from me?
My emotions had become numb after my father’s accident. I’d felt adrift. Just like I had felt after my mother ran off. The same gnawing empty hole in my core that needed to be filled with something. Or someone.
“I couldn’t imagine losing someone so close to you.” Even though I knew exactly what he was feeling. The loss, the pain, the confusion, the emptiness. I couldn’t help but push it further. “Was it an accident?” I wanted to know, did he end it or did someone else? Did he end up doing something regrettable or did he merely get caught up in the whirlwind such an investigation would bring? I wanted him to confess to me, unload it all. Because at least then I knew I had his trust. And if that is all I could have, I would take it.
“I’d rather not get into the details.”
I couldn’t stop myself. The words poured out. “Does it have something to do with you not wanting to talk to the police?” I studied him carefully looking for something, anything, that would help me understand what was going on inside his head.
“Please don’t ask me anymore tonight. I’m tired. I’m hungry.” He got up from the couch. “We’ll figure this all out in the morning. Can I make you some eggs?” He took a carton of eggs out of the fridge and plucked a frying pan from the drying rack next to the sink.
“Sure. That’ll be fine.” I curled up on the couch with the blanket across my legs. When Ben turned his back to me to cook the eggs, I studied him. He stood legs apart, his back straight, muscled shoulders strong. He had the physique of a man who could do someone great damage if he’d wanted to. In my head, I could see a fight between lovers, first a slap, then anger, then grabbing by the shoulders, maybe large hands around a narrow, soft neck. I exed the thought out of my mind. That wasn’t the Ben I knew. No way. Or he shoved her too hard and she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the edge of a bathtub or fireplace. My imagination ran away with me. Why did I choose to believe Ben could kill someone? Why was I attracted to such a person?
*
The couch wasn’t as comfortable for sleeping it was for sitting. I tossed and turned on the worn leather. Although the cabin had curtains made from burlap sacks, the late night sun filtered through enough to keep me awake. And, after all that whiskey, my injured head throbbed.
I touched the bandaged bump. Strange how it would bother me more now than it did when I had been attacked.
Adrenaline rushed through me at the memory of it.
The sensing of a presence behind me in the dark.
The quick turn and then the explosion of pain.
I thought I hadn’t seen his face. But as I laid in the dark of the cabin, Nate’s face marred with a hideous grimace filled my mind. My breathing quickened as if I were back in my apartment and at his mercy. My heart raced.
“No!” I sat up.
“Are you all right?” Ben appeared in
the doorway of his bedroom with a battery-powered lantern.
I held a hand to my forehead. “I thought I was awake, but it must’ve been a dream.”
Ben wore only a pair of boxer shorts. His muscular torso appeared even more defined with the harsh light of the lantern. I turned away, embarrassed. I was a grown woman, not a child. Only children had nightmares. It had been years since I’d last had one. Mostly about my mother—me searching for and never finding her.
“Let me get you a glass of water.”
I had enough light to read my watch: 3 am. “I’m sorry I woke you.”
He handed me a plastic cup. “Drink.”
I took a sip and pulled my feet up under me. “I was dreaming about the attack.” Tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t know why. Maybe because my dream made it feel so real, so recent. I didn’t want to be so afraid.
“Hey, hey, hey.” Ben saw my tears, and his demeanor changed. He sat beside me. “Shhh…” He put a finger to my lips. “Don’t cry, Rory. Let me fix it.” He took the cup out of my hands and kissed me.
My heart thudded. From fear to desire in seconds. His lips was warm and soft on mine. Without thinking I darted my tongue into his mouth. I tasted peppermint and a hint of the whiskey he’d drunk earlier.
The kiss intensified. He pressed me into the sofa. I clutched his arms as he held himself above me. Hard ropes of muscle. Kyle had been lithe and lean. Ben was a giant in comparison. I liked it.
“Don’t cry, please.” Ben whisked a single tear off my cheek. “No more.” He nibbled at the corner of my mouth. I took in his natural scent, pine and musk.
His gentle kisses stoked a deeper fire within. All the pent up fears and feelings I’d had since my father’s accident were pushed aside. I wanted to be in the moment, not thinking or analyzing. Just do what my body wanted. Without guilt, without embarrassment, without expectations. We were so far away from everything in my normal life. The dredge, my bills, the attack, the worries—all far, far away. Ben was here, I was frightened, and he wanted to comfort me. I took it all in without caring what it meant. No one would see me. No one would know.
Hungry for more, I slid my hands down to the waistband of his boxers. He sucked in his breath as I worked them off. Naked in the lantern light. I marveled at the size of him. His legs like tree trunks. His shoulders broad as a beam. When I’d first met him, his bulk had frightened me. Tonight, I drew comfort from it. Protection, safety, security. I kissed across his collarbone.
“Jesus,” he groaned.
He pulled at the t-shirt I wore. I helped him take it off.
Then, he pushed me back against the sofa. His thighs captured my legs. I brought his head down to mine again. All thoughts left me. I didn’t care a bit about who Ben really was, where he came from, what he was hiding from. In this crazy place I’d found myself, I had very few people I could trust. Stella was one, and Ben had become the other. Steady, strong and dependable. The fact that he might be a murderer far from my mind.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Ben asked poised inches from my face.
His eyes were a beautiful, ocean blue. That amazing, deep blue that only appeared in the Bering Sea certain times of year. “Yes. Yes, I’m sure.” I dove down deep into those eyes and let everything else go.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
I woke up the next morning in the bedroom, the plaid blanket twisted around my legs. Ben had an arm around my waist, my back against his front. His naked front.
I squirmed. I should never drink whiskey when taking opioids.
Ben awoke.
He skimmed his hand along my side. “Good morning, gorgeous.”
I flinched and twisted away.
What had I done?
“Hey, no reason to get squirrelly.” He laughed a deep rumble of a laugh.
I quickly pulled on my clothes, grateful for the poor lighting. “I’m gonna go make us some toast, m’kay?” I dashed out of the bedroom into the larger living area. I really wanted to streak out the front door and run deep into the tundra, miles and miles and miles.
I just had sex with Ben Abel. Possible murderer.
“I don’t have a toaster.” Ben called from the bedroom.
“I’ll fry up some eggs.” I pretended all was normal. That I didn’t mind I’d hopped into bed with a man I’d only known for a week. Totally normal behavior for Old Rory. Totally normal.
My nerves jangled.
I spied my cell phone on the coffee table where I’d left it last night. Only twenty-five percent battery life. How did one charge a cell phone in the middle of nowhere?
“I’ve got some cheese in the fridge.”
“Great.” Several text messages had come in earlier. I also had a few voicemails. I never even heard it ring. I checked the signal strength. This far out in the tundra barely a bar.
I read the texts first.
Stella from late last night:
Where are you staying? Hospital said you checked out. Worried.
Then another a couple of hours ago:
Rumor has it police are looking for Ben. CALL ME!
Then another an hour later:
Matt heard Ben’s fingerprints on weapon. I’m scared. Where are you?
The hackles went up on the back of my neck. Could my instincts have been so wrong? How could I have been so stupid? Had Ben been pretending all this time about his feelings for me? Was last night just a game for him? Get stupid Rory to sleep with her attacker?
My gut clenched and nausea set in. I had to get out of here.
I wasn’t safe with the Beast.
Quietly, I slipped on my shoes.
“Do you know how to work the burners?” Ben appeared in the doorway of the bedroom one-hundred percent naked. “You going somewhere?”
“I, uh, wanted to get some fresh air.” I looked away. My face grew hot. I worried he would know I’d lied.
Relax, Rory. He doesn’t know that you know.
“I’m gonna hop in the shower. You have to take quick ones out here. I only have a small hot water tank.”
I slipped my phone in my front pants pocket so he wouldn’t notice. “I’ll be right back and get on those eggs and coffee.”
“Thanks, darlin’.” Then he laughed. “I almost forgot that’s your last name.”
I had a tightness in my chest.
Ben closed the bathroom door, and I made a break for it. I dashed out the door. He’d left the keys to the ATV in the machine. I hopped on, turned the key, and gravel flew as I sped out of there.
My heart hurt so much I could barely breathe. I really was as stupid and sex-crazed as my mother had been. I’d made a horrible, horrible mistake. My instincts were terrible. I knew that now. I had been flailing through life like a fish caught in a net. Not even aware my flapping was useless. I was trapped. I had nowhere to go. The way forward was impossible.
My hair streamed out behind me like a horse’s mane. I hadn’t had time to put on a helmet. As I rounded a bend, I was surprised to see a Nome Police UTV headed my way. I pulled over into a shallow ditch to make room for them to pass.
I knew where they were going.
Ben.
Officer Isaacs gave me an incredulous stare as he passed.
*
The rest of the ride to town was much longer than I remembered. I dreaded hitting the city limits. If Matt and Stella knew about the fingerprints, then everyone else in town did, too. It wouldn’t be long before every man, woman and child in Nome found out I’d spent the night at Ben’s place. I wanted to keep on driving Ben’s ATV and take the Beltz Highway all the way north to Teller, never to be heard from again. But what would my father think if I abandoned our dredge and our livelihood? It was a crazy thought.
When I arrived on the outskirts of town, I thought about my options. I was exhausted. My apartment was off limits until the police finished their investigation. Kyle’s place was a no-go as I’d burned that bridge already. No going back. I could try Stella and her over-stuffed place,
but I already knew she’d bombard me with questions, and I’d have to survive the Spanish Inquisition from not only her, but Matt and his sister, Alisha. The last place left was the Alaska Darling. I could sleep on the couch for now while I licked my wounds and figured out what to do next.
With the engine rumbling, I took out my cell phone to listen to my voicemail messages.
Two from Stella, one from the Nome Police and one from the hospital in Anchorage.
My hand trembled. I pressed play on the message from the hospital.
Ms. Darling, it’s Janie from the Patient Care Coordinator office. I wanted to let you know that your father has his surgery scheduled for tomorrow at 7 am. He will likely be in the hospital for about a week before you need to arrange for his transport to the temporary living situation you worked out here in Anchorage. The surgeon should call you tomorrow after his surgery to let you know how everything went. Please let me know if you have any concerns or questions about your father’s care.
A normal person might call her father the night before he has major surgery. I felt my state of mind would drag me down, trip me up, make me say the wrong thing. I knew he’d ask about the dredge, the gold, the bank account. And I had no answer for him. All I had were more worries piled on top of worries. How would talking to him help any of it? With my stitches I couldn’t dive, my diver had turned out to be everything I pretended he wasn’t, and I had absolutely no way to get back to dredging. I’d come to the end of my rope. There were no more choices to make. The night in Ernie’s Pub when I’d found Ben had been my final attempt to save everything.
I wished I’d never tried. I wanted to ex Ben out of my head forever. The worst mistake of my life.
I deleted both of Stella’s messages without listening. I didn’t need to hear more of my friend’s panicked voice as she’d tried to track me down and save me from myself. I didn’t deserve her friendship. She’d warned me. And I’d ignored every red flag Ben threw up—because I’d wanted to.
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