Come Undone

by Jessica Hawkins

  “Don’t,” I stopped him. “There’s no point.”

  “You just said you weren’t sure if I would care. Do you really think that? Of course I care. I would do whatever it takes - but instead I left you alone with him . . . It wouldn’t have gotten so far if . . .” Something – guilt, maybe, crept into his voice.

  “Stop,” I said, covering my ears. I felt an overwhelming need to protect us both. “He wasn’t going to hurt me, he just,” I paused. “Just wanted to scare me a little,” I lied. I heard his breathing quicken and continued before he could interject. “I can’t do this right now. How - how do you know . . . ,” I racked my still-groggy memory. “Cooper?”

  “An old friend.”

  “A good friend to have,” I said.

  “Indeed. He’ll take care of this for us.”

  “Do you think that guy, Mark, really has connections on the force?” I asked.

  “No, he was bluffing. Cooper said they were just waiting for him to break parole.” I wanted to ask him about what he’d said earlier. About whether or not he was finished with me. But I didn’t know how I could stand his answer either way, so I didn’t. I sighed sleepily and shut my eyes again. Neither of us spoke for some time, and I drifted.

  ~

  When I opened my eyes, the room was grey. David, still facing me from across the bed, slept peacefully atop the comforter in a white t-shirt and heather grey sweatpants. His hair was tousled, and he almost looked relaxed, except that his arms were crossed over his chest. He was so far away that he was almost falling off the bed. I wondered what it would be like to reach out and touch him, to pull him close and snuggle into his chest. Something welled in me that was less urgent than before, but was deeper. I couldn’t help myself from thinking of what he might do to me were the circumstances different. That he might lean over and finish the kiss he’d started in my office, this time letting his hands wander over the thin t-shirt. That he might reach between my thighs and feel my want, my need . . . . My breathing quickened.

  Just then he shifted and opened his eyes so that we were looking at each other.

  “Do you know where you are?” I joked.

  He smiled. “How do you feel?”

  “Good,” I said and meant it. “I slept better than I have in a long time.”

  He nodded and stretched his long limbs before leaning over me to see the clock.

  “What time is it?”

  “Six thirty-five.”

  “Mmm, I have to go,” I said, not moving.

  “Call in sick. You can stay here today if you want.”

  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Anyway, the party is tonight.” I grimaced as I sat up gingerly, feeling tender as though it were the morning after a good workout. I looked around the room, trying to locate my clothes. He inhaled sharply, and I caught his cringe.

  “What?”

  “You’re all black-and-blue,” he said, sitting up next to me. He scooted closer and studied my cheek, taking my chin in his hand again. Is it awful to admit that I’m starting to enjoy this? “The cut looks all right but your cheek is pretty badly bruised.” He shook his head. “Poor girl,” he said as he swept the hair from my face. For a moment, we looked at each other, his hand lingering by my face, and I imagined that I didn’t have to leave. The memory of our kiss swept over me again, more vivid with his vicinity, and I felt my lips purse slightly in response. I pushed the dangerous thought from my mind but a sound escaped my lips first.

  “Right,” he said, lifting himself off the bed.

  “Can I get ready here? It would save me a trip.”

  “Of course,” he agreed happily. He seemed more than happy to provide me with anything I needed. Lucky, the girl who ends up with him, I thought.

  I pulled the covers off and climbed out of bed to find myself floating in his long t-shirt that just met the tops of my thighs.

  “Shit,” I said, embarrassed and covering myself. Since I was used to sleeping almost nude, I must have kicked off the oversized shorts in the night.

  “Jesus, Olivia,” he said raking his eyes over me. “I’m trying to behave, but you’re killing me here.” We laughed together, and he turned to leave the room, shielding his eyes. “Your clothes are around here somewhere. Get dressed, you goddamned temptress.” I giggled as he shut the door behind him.

  After a quick rinse, I changed into the previous day’s outfit. I was grateful to find a few make-up essentials in my purse and attempted to make myself presentable. As I never left the house without my travel hairbrush, I was able to twist my hair into an acceptable bun. I lingered over the bruise, dabbing the area with foundation in hopes of concealing it, but eventually gave up to meet him in the kitchen. He still wore a faded marathon t-shirt and the grey sweatpants that hung dangerously low, allowing me a glimpse of skin as he pulled two glasses from the cupboard.

  “You have a beautiful place,” I said, looking around for the last time.

  “Can I get you anything to eat? Or some OJ?” he asked.

  “No, I’ve really got to get going,” I sighed.

  “You should eat. I’m not a great cook but I can whip something up.”

  I shook my head and we stared at each other stubbornly. Not wanting to be rude, I relented when I spotted a bowl of fresh fruit behind him. “How about a banana?”

  He swung around and grabbed one, offering it to me. “What else?”

  I narrowed my eyes and smiled at him. “Bye,” I said.

  “Not so fast. I’ll take you to your office.”

  “Oh God, David, can you imagine how that would look if anyone were to see us?”

  “I don’t give a damn, Olivia. Nothing happened.”

  I stared at him. “That’s easy for you to say. You have nothing to lose.”

  “It’s early, nobody will be around.”

  “You’re kind-of persistent, aren’t you?” I mocked.

  He grunted. “When I want something, yes.”

  “What do you want, David?”

  “To see you to your office.”

  I considered this because it would be nice to have the company. “It’s not far. I’ll go alone,” I decided. “You’ve been wonderful. Thank you.”

  He shifted on his feet, visibly struggling with himself.

  “You can walk me to the door,” I offered as consolation.

  “And down to the street.” His tone was decided, although I could tell he was holding back. I wondered if he was this controlling with all his overnight visitors.

  As we descended in the elevator, I tried to find the words to express my gratitude. He obviously likes fruit, I thought. Maybe I’ll send him a basket of it. I almost laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of the idea.

  This time we stopped at the ground level and were deposited into a brightly lit, bustling lobby. I passed my eyes quickly over the spacious area before I realized my surroundings.

  “You live in a hotel?”

  “The top floors are residences.”

  “Don’t all these people disturb you?”

  He gave a short laugh. “That’s not usually the first thing people ask when they find out I live in a hotel. But the answer is no. Last night we used a private entrance and elevator. So unless I come through the front, I don’t normally see anyone other than my neighbors. And Gorman, of course.”

  “Wait a sec,” I said, stopping in my tracks. “Isn’t this the Gryphon Hotel? We’re having our Meet & Greet here tonight.”

  “Yes, I know.”

  “Why didn’t you mention it?”

  He shrugged. “Why would I?”

  “So if you don’t show, I’m going to come up and drag you downstairs.”

  “I can almost assure you that that plan would backfire,” he said. “Next time I get you alone in my apartment, I won’t let you off so easy,” he said levelly, staring ahead.

  My eyes hit the marble floor as I blushed furiously. What was with him? Did he want me or not? Was he joking? Did he usually kid around with
married women this way? Sheesh.

  “Good grief, are you red,” he said, and I peeked up to see his lips spread in a devastating smile. “And go easy on that poor banana.” I loosened my grip and cleared my throat.

  Once we were in front of the building, we stood face to face in the new morning, me with my hands balled around the banana, while his were shoved into the pockets of his sweatpants.

  “Let me get you a cab,” he said.

  “No,” I stopped him. “Thank you, again. You’ve been beyond kind.”

  I noticed his hands flex through the fabric of his pants, inadvertently tugging them slightly lower. “I want to say that I had a nice time, but that doesn’t seem quite right,” he admitted.

  I couldn’t stop a faint smile from touching my lips, and I nodded knowingly. “It was an emotional night. But circumstances considered, it ended up all right.”

  He leaned against the building pillar and nodded. “I’ll call you,” he said, squinting into the distance. I was about to protest until I remembered that we owed Cooper a statement. My heart skipped at the promise.

  “K, so, bye.” I turned, leaving him standing there. I’d meant to get a cab, and I was cold, but it felt nice to stretch my aching legs. As I maneuvered through the streets, I had a morbid curiosity to pass through the scene of the attack, even though it meant going out of my way to get there.

  I stood on Adams peering down the empty alley. It was grey, as the buildings shielded it from the sun, but I could see all the way down. An eerie calm settled over me, and I passed through it, the click of my heels bouncing off the walls in a hollow echo.

  I stood, staring at the place where I’d been pressed up against the wall, the place where the gun had clattered. I pulled my phone from my purse when it vibrated, knowing it was David. I found his text along with missed calls from Gretchen and Bill.

  May 18, 2012 8:09 AM

  Are you there yet?

  In my enchantment with the alley, I’d lost track of time.

  May 18, 2012 8:10 AM

  Almost

  When I came through the other side, I felt relieved. The scene wasn’t so bad in the daylight. I hurried to the office, hoping to slip in unseen.

  ~

  On my way to the fourteenth floor, I found myself in a surprisingly good mood. Maybe I can do this, I thought to myself. Maybe David will reconsider, and we can be friends, and I can be happy with Bill. I remembered David’s words the day before. I hoped equally that he meant them and that he didn’t. I was glad for Bill’s absence so I could openly wallow and finally put my feelings to rest. After our night, I felt bonded to David in an even stronger way, and I didn’t want to lose him as a friend.

  Jenny noticed my disposition and looked relieved – I wondered if she’d been mulling over how I’d snapped at her the day before. “TGIF!” she said as I passed, and then, “Liv! What happened to your face?”

  “Oh,” I stumbled for an explanation. “I can’t really discuss it. It has to do with one of Bill’s cases.”

  Her eyes grew, and I knew I’d have a hard time getting out of this one. “What do you mean?” she squealed.

  “Shh,” I hushed her, not wanting to draw attention. “Don’t worry. I feel fine. I really can’t discuss it. I’ll be in my office,” I called, scampering off. Shit, I thought. That was a terrible performance.

  In the office, I flopped into my computer chair and pulled up my e-mail. Absentmindedly, I glanced at the doorway and was reminded of David storming out the day before. The past twelve hours had been a whirlwind, and to stop myself from analyzing it all, I quickly opened the top e-mail.

  From: David Dylan

  Sent: Fri, May 18, 2012 08:35 AM CST

  To: Olivia Germaine

  Subject: My banana

  Did it make it to your office safely, or do I need to come check on it?

  DAVID DYLAN

  SENIOR ARCHITECT,

  PIERSON/GREER

  From: Olivia Germaine

  Sent: Fri, May 18, 2012 08:44 AM CST

  To: David Dylan

  Subject: Your banana

  I am back safe and sound, however the same cannot be said for your banana :( It’s in a better place now though . . . .

  Thanks again,

  -O

  Olivia Germaine

  Associate Editor,

  Chicago Metropolitan Magazine

  ChicagoMMag.com

  I keyed down to the next e-mail and gasped in horror.

  CHAPTER 19

  From: Mack Donovan

  Sent: Fri, May 18, 2012 07:32 AM CST

  To: Mack Donovan

  BCC: Olivia Germaine

  Subject: Davena Brenda Donovan

  Family and friends,

  As some of you know, my dearest Davena passed away yesterday evening. I’m sorry to deliver the news this way, but it is the best I can do at this time. Davena was a lively girl who never let this dreadful thing get the best of her. We will be holding a service on Monday morning followed by a celebration of her life at our home. Details to follow. In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to the Davena B. Donovan Foundation, which turns one year next month.

  Sincerely,

  Mack

  The room spun as the words filtered into my consciousness. Gone? I scanned the e-mail again, reading but not comprehending. Could it be? All that life, all that light, all that love. Gone? My heart wrenched and wrenched again when I thought of Mack. His idolatry of Davena was endless. He must be shattered, I thought.

  I ran to the bathroom and steadied myself against the sink as I looked in the mirror. My chest stuttered when I forced myself to remember our last visit and her final words. One shot at life. Don’t miss anything. Love. She had known.

  I waited for the tears. It had never occurred to me that . . . that . . . I crushed the ceramic beneath my hands and fell into a squat. My stomach lurched with the threat of vomit. My eyes burned with unshed tears. My legs threatened to collapse so I could surrender to the filthy bathroom floor. How could this happen? How could someone leave, just like that? How could she let that happen, when we needed her here? How, how, how –

  Two raps on the bathroom door jolted me to life. I remained still, calming my jagged breathing. My knuckles were as white as the sink they gripped. I eased into a standing position when the knock came again. My lips tensed into a line as I left the bathroom.

  In my office, I drew out my cell phone and dialed Bill. I would tell him, and he would come home, and we would cry. Together we would battle the emptiness I was drowning in. Not just now, for Davena, but the things I’d been holding in for too long. The weight of everything I didn’t tell him was suddenly greater than the pain I avoided by keeping him at a distance. When he didn’t answer, I watched the screen turn black and set the phone on my desk.

  I spent the next few hours operating in a daze, doing just enough to appear functioning. The thought of calling Mack petrified me. I went over and over in my head the things I might say. How I could possibly express my regret.

  “You look tired.” I glanced up to see Lisa in my doorway, her face predictably drawn. “Late night?”

  “You could say that.”

  She squinted at me, examining my face. Her expression relaxed when she made out the bruise, but she remained silent.

  “What’s up, Lisa?”

  “Nothing,” she said. “I’m going straight to the Gryphon from here, so don’t worry about set up. I’ll make sure everything gets done.” She walked off without waiting for my response, leaving me to look after her. Jenny stopped by next, trying to figure out what happened, but I shooed her away, telling her I had work to do.

  The walls of my office were almost too much to take, so I ran away. I managed to find an empty seat in the sun, far enough from the building where I could be alone. Beneath me, the bench was slightly damp but strong and supportive. The smell of dank wood and wet soil filled the air. Warmth on my colorless face gave me comfort.

  How had my life d
irected me to this moment? My father would be disappointed to see me now, swollen eye and fighting against the current of infidelity. It was as if my senses left me when I was with David, and they perched just out of reach to watch my demise. And oh, how I never even tried to retrieve them. Even now, in the face of death, I thought of him. I sought somebody strong enough to carry my grief, because I couldn’t do it. I shouldn’t have to. It wasn’t fair.

  Sometimes I could hardly keep from crying out because of all the things I held inside. Bill might think I was cold, but it was far from the truth. Fear, pain, beauty, love. I felt it all, but I didn’t always know how to speak it. Davena had asked me to try, but she couldn’t have known how I froze in fear at the prospect. How, everyday, I worried that the things I loved would be ripped from my very hands.

  ~

  When I returned with sun-kissed cheeks, Jenny gave me a concerned look. “Can I get you anything, Liv?”

  “No, Jenny, still doing fine.”

  “All right. David Dylan wants you to call him. Should - ”

  “I’ll take care of it,” I said as I ducked away. “Thanks.”

  On the phone, David solemnly relayed that Cooper wanted to see us. I sighed heavily, careful that David wouldn’t hear on his end. I wasn’t sure how to hold myself together.

  “I can take you,” he said when I didn’t speak. I nodded into the phone.

  I told Jenny I was leaving for the day, and that I would see everyone at the event later. When she began to protest, to tell me they’d be fine without me, I cut her off with a hand in the air.

  I found David waiting for me downstairs, leaning against the Porsche with aplomb. He was more casual than I’d ever seen him, in jeans, a t-shirt and aviators. That is, if sweatpants didn’t count. I pushed aside the alluring memory of him in his slumber party outfit.