Dead No More

by L. R. Nicolello

  Derek cleared his throat. “Good call, Ben.”

  Lily’s face fell. Raw emotion flashed in her eyes. She had nowhere to go. She bent her head and cradled it in her hands.

  Derek couldn’t even begin to understand the pain she was navigating through. He’d lost several team members, but never someone he loved.

  Never someone like George.

  Derek wanted to take her in his arms, protect her from all the pain and remind her she wasn’t alone. But he couldn’t. Not after tucking tail and acting like a bastard. He blew out a breath and stood.

  Evelyn went to Lily and drew her into a hug. He inwardly cringed. He should be the one comforting Lily, not Evelyn.

  “You can’t hide behind that wall forever, sweets.” Evelyn pulled back and stared at Lily. “I know. From personal experience. So when you’re ready to talk, I’m here.”

  Lily’s lips curved up into a trembling smile. “Thanks.”

  Ben jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. “There are two guest rooms. You’re all adults. Figure out the sleeping arrangements.”

  He turned, ambled down the hall and shut his bedroom door. Silence filled the room.

  Derek tilted his neck to one side, then the other and sighed. “I’ll stay on the couch.”

  Evelyn and Marcus exchanged a veiled look.

  Glancing between the three of them, Lily pinned Derek with her gaze. “What am I missing here?”

  Marcus draped his arm over Evelyn’s shoulders and tugged her close. “And this is our cue to turn in.”

  Derek watched Evelyn and Marcus leave. Thanks a lot, brother.

  Lily narrowed her eyes. Even tired and pissed, she was beautiful. This was not going to go well.

  “We need to talk.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “Um, I think we should go into the back guest room for privacy.”

  She didn’t move. “Why?”

  Derek’s heart raced. That was not what he meant. Well, it was, but only in his dream world. And this clearly wasn’t it.

  Reality could be such an ugly bitch.

  He rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head. “Let’s just get this talk over with.”

  Without a word, Lily got up and marched down the hall.

  He followed her into the back room and shut the door behind them.

  Spinning around, she shoved her hands on her hips. “What is going on? Why are you being so distant? You sleep with me, and then I get this shit?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  He saw the flash in her wild eyes burn out and a dull ache filled his chest. He hated himself for boiling down whatever they’d shared into two words, but it was the truth. The whole situation was complicated.

  “You’re kidding me, right?”

  “No. I’m not kidding you. I love you, but I can’t be with you. And I can’t tell you why.” He ran his hands through his hair. “So yeah. I’d say it was complicated.”

  He sat on the bed and hung his head.

  Hopefully that didn’t sound as lame coming out of his mouth as it did to his ears. He’d been backed into a corner, and there was no getting out of it. If he stayed silent, she’d go through life thinking that he’d used her, that he was a prick. And nothing could be further from the truth.

  Derek loved her. Knew he always would.

  But how could he explain a situation he wasn’t even sure he believed?

  Hope for Jackson?

  No way.

  Derek didn’t believe he’d killed George. Something didn’t add up there, but Derek had seen what Jackson had done to Lily. Undercover or not, you didn’t come back from trying to kill your partner, your ex-fiancé.

  “So let me get this straight,” Lily said in a hushed, furious voice. “You love me, but can’t be with me and can’t tell me why.”

  Derek nodded. What a nightmare.

  “Oh, cut the spy crap. I didn’t take you for a bastard.” She wrapped her arms around her waist, her tone hot, livid and...excruciating.

  And there it was.

  He guessed that the thought had been racing around her head, but hearing it stung worse than he’d imagined. Not that Derek blamed her. She had every right to be furious with him. Shit, even he was pissed at the situation.

  But his hands were tied.

  “Lily, this whole thing is a complex mess.”

  She threw up her hands, backed further into the corner. “No. I get it. All business, with the occasional side of skirt.”

  Derek’s eyes snapped to her face. “Whoa, that’s not—”

  “You’re all the same. I’m not really surprised.”

  Damn, she was on a roll, but he let her vent. Hopefully she’d flame out soon.

  “Let’s just nail the bastard, and we can both move on. Clearly, I suck at picking men. First Jackson, then you.” She motioned to Derek. “Aren’t I lucky? I’m two for two.”

  “Stop.”

  Derek could handle the venting, the name-calling, the words she’d probably regret tomorrow. He got all that. What he wouldn’t take was being lumped in with that asshole.

  He was not Jackson.

  He reconsidered his earlier decision. If the director had written them off, Derek was no longer bound to that gag order. The woman trembling in front of him took priority. Should have always come first.

  “I love you, Lily. End of story.”

  “Then why the silent treatment? Why the about-face?” She looked like a spooked rabbit, ready to bolt.

  Pushing himself off the bed, he stepped toward her. She didn’t move, almost as if daring him to come closer. He took a deep breath, steeling himself. “You want to know why I backed off?”

  “Yes.”

  Derek hesitated. Her world had already turned upside down. He was about to put it on a spin cycle.

  How are you going to react to this, babycakes?

  “Jackson was sent on a mission.”

  Her forehead wrinkled. “I don’t understand.”

  Derek weighed his next words, watched her face carefully. “The director knows Jackson is here in Omaha. He sent him.”

  “What?” The word came out in a soft whisper that dug into Derek.

  “Jackson unearthed the whole Dům Hrůzy thing about two years ago. He took it to Director Kennedy, who took it to the higher-ups. The call came down that they weren’t given clearance to send a team in after Rowland.”

  “And?”

  “Jackson pressed. The director caved. He sent Jackson to Omaha, to ARME, on a deep, undercover op.”

  The color drained from Lily’s face. She shook her head. “No. Jackson went rogue. He’s a traitor. He tried to kill me.”

  “That was all part of the operation to make his turning appear legit.”

  A surprised expression flickered on Lily’s face. “Legit?”

  Derek rubbed his hands over his face, nodded.

  “The director knew Jackson was going to throw me out that window?” Her voice rose an octave.

  “He knew about the mission’s outcome, yes. The window thing was a bit much.”

  “A bit much?” Her voice was practically a shriek, and her cheeks were flushed with rage. “I’m his goddaughter, for crying out loud. How could he be okay with Jackson tossing me out a window?”

  “I don’t know.” The director’s logic would never make sense to Derek. It was ludicrous, at best.

  “I almost died.” Her voice cracked. Pain flashed across her face. She shook her head. “I almost died, Derek.”

  “I know. And I won’t stand here and pretend that any of this makes sense. Because it doesn’t. The deeper we dig, the shittier it becomes.”

  “How can Kennedy keep Jackson in? He tried to kill me. I don’t u
nderstand...” Her voice grew thick. Bewilderment and grief warred in her eyes. “He killed George.”

  Derek hesitated. Could she handle any more information? Should he read her in on everything he knew, everything he suspected? If he did, if he stepped off this cliff and told her, he’d be all in.

  She’d know everything.

  And he could very well lose her.

  He didn’t know what he’d do if she freaked out now, but he trusted her with everything—including his heart. He took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

  “Kennedy believes Jackson can still be saved.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “Are you kidding me?”

  “His exact words were, ‘If she isn’t dead, there’s still hope for Jackson.’”

  “No. There isn’t hope.” She shook her head. “He’s gone. He threw me out a window, broke into my home, threatened my life and he just murdered part of my family. And to what? Prove his point? Keep his cover?”

  Derek put his hand on her shoulder. “We don’t know if he killed George. It could have been the sniper. We don’t know yet.”

  She jerked away. “I know. The man I loved is gone.”

  “Lil...”

  “No. I know it here.” She pressed her hand over her heart. “He’s gone.”

  “Director Kennedy thinks—”

  “Wait.” Lily’s eyes flashed and she took a step toward him. “Is that why you backed off? Because of Jackson?”

  Shutting things down between the two of them had seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, seeing her reaction, Derek just felt like an idiot. And an asshole.

  She rammed her hands on her hips. “Is that why you’ve been so distant?”

  He sank onto the bed. What could he possibly say? “It’s complicated.”

  “No, actually, it’s not.”

  Passion flared in her eyes. The vein in his neck throbbed, pounded. His throat went dry. A tiny smile tugged at her lips. What the— He didn’t move, barely breathed.

  “And it wasn’t your decision to make. It’s mine.” Lily jabbed her finger into her chest. “I get to decide.”

  All he wanted to do was pull Lily to him and feel her soft body pressed against his. Instead, he was glued to the bed, unable to move or speak.

  “Whether or not Jackson can be saved is a moot point. I can’t be bound to the ghost of what was.” She took another step, closing the distance between them. “That man, the man I used to love, no longer exists. The longer I allow him to haunt me, the more he wins. I’m done being bested by him. I need to move on.”

  This was not how he’d pictured this conversation going. Judging by the twinkle of fire in Lily’s eyes, he couldn’t stop it—not that he wanted to—even if he tried.

  She cradled his face in her hands. “I want to move on.”

  The blood pounded in his ears.

  “With you.”

  She lowered her face to his. Everything about this woman pulled Derek in: the sweetness of her mouth against his, the softness of her demanding lips, the heat of her body crowding his. He crushed his mouth to hers, all uncertainty gone.

  Stepping between his legs, Lily closed the space remaining between their bodies. Derek couldn’t tell where his ended and hers began. He deepened the kiss. Lily responded in kind. There was nothing hesitant in her touch.

  Not anymore.

  It was demanding and seeking and so hot it sizzled.

  All too soon she drew back, breathless, and smiled. Derek’s head swam. His heart beat wildly against his chest.

  “Holy shit, Lil.” Derek managed to get out before clearing his throat. “This isn’t a knee-jerk—”

  She put her finger against his lips. “Stupid man. What do I need to do to get it through your thick skull? I choose you.”

  Lily tugged off her shirt, kicked off her shoes and shimmied out of her jeans.

  Derek swallowed hard.

  Pushing him back onto the bed, she crawled on after him. Then she reached for his belt and chased away any shadow of doubt.

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  Thursday, October 2, 9:00 a.m.

  FOLDED CLOSE TO Derek’s side, Lily listened to the rhythmic thump of his heart. Last night had been nothing she’d expected, and yet everything she wanted, needed.

  She knew the bitter, painful truth. Jackson had made his choice. He’d left her without a word, gone undercover and gotten lost. It broke her heart, but it was the choice he’d made.

  Now she’d made her own.

  Derek.

  Lily traced her finger over his broad, muscular chest. Pushing herself up on her elbow, she looked down at him. A calming sensation washed over her.

  Lily had never met anyone like him.

  Even Jackson hadn’t come close to seeing the real her, the woman behind the disguises. But Derek did.

  How she could feel the agonizing, earth-shattering grief of having George ripped from her too soon, and the tethering ecstasy of Derek’s love within the same breath was beyond her.

  But right here, next to this man softly snoring, was exactly where she needed—wanted—to be.

  Derek’s breathing changed. He stirred. “Morning, gorgeous.”

  “Morning.” She pressed her hand to his cheek, loving the way his whiskers scratched her skin. “Shall we join the others? They’ve been rustling around in the kitchen for about an hour or so.”

  He groaned and carefully pulled his arms over his head in a long stretch. Lily stared at the sexy man beside her—like Michelangelo’s David in the flesh, only sexier—and wondered if she’d ever get over waking up next to him. He dropped his arms and tossed back the covers. Lily glanced down and bit back a laugh, desire curling in every single cell. Yeah, probably not.

  “You shouldn’t have let me sleep so long.”

  “You needed it.” Leaning down, she kissed him. “Especially after last night. Let’s go, handsome. Our job isn’t over yet.”

  After making themselves presentable, Derek walked into the kitchen in front of Lily. Marcus glanced up from his coffee and grinned, mischief in his eyes. “Have a nice night?”

  Heat rushed Lily’s cheeks. Yeah, nothing about last night had been quiet. She peeked at Ben. A smirk danced on his lips. The heat on her face grew. How mortifying.

  “Shut up, man,” Derek muttered.

  Evelyn rolled her eyes at Marcus. He raised his coffee mug to his mouth and shrugged.

  Lily sighed. The only way to get over the awkward moment was to address it. She grabbed a mug from the cabinet and poured herself some much-needed java before glancing over her shoulder.

  “We had the time of our lives. Thank you very much.”

  Derek choked on his coffee.

  Evelyn laughed. “Nicely played, Lil.”

  Shaking his head, Ben smiled. “Want some breakfast?”

  * * *

  THE FIVE OF THEM gathered around Ben’s kitchen table. Marcus and Evelyn already knew of Derek’s suspicions about Jackson, but Ben needed to be read in. His face grew stony as Derek filled him in on all the gory details. Lily knew Derek’s words cut Ben deep. Jackson had been like a son to him.

  Derek tugged a chair over and plopped himself down next to Lily. The warmth of his leg pressed against hers, and a soft sigh of contentment escaped her lips as he laid his hand on top of her thigh. Intense, colorful memories of last night zipped through her mind.

  How ironic. In the midst of this insanity, she’d gotten the sweetest gift.

  Lily sipped her coffee and glanced at Evelyn. A quick, unbreakable friendship had forged between them in the short time she’d been in Lily’s world, and it still startled her how easy it had been to let down her guard with Evelyn. Lily had begun to think of her as the sister she’d never had. She took another sip of coffe
e and an even deeper realization swept over her, an understanding that in their dark, cutthroat undercover world went further than love could ever go: Lily trusted Evelyn with her life.

  And that said everything.

  “So what do we know, Ev?”

  Evelyn tapped her finger on the table before answering, a faraway look in her eyes. “Well, we know Director Kennedy has gone quiet.”

  Lily wrapped her fingers around her coffee mug, still not believing that the director had washed his hands of her. Of all of them. He’d sworn to protect her, not feed her to the lions.

  She wasn’t sure which hurt worse: Jackson’s betrayal or his.

  “Which we all know is most likely a bad sign.”

  “Possibly. But it’s what we have to work with.” Evelyn flipped the file open. “We can also assume Rowland and Jackson are working together. But I’d even throw out the idea that Rowland is working for Jackson.”

  Derek cocked his head to the side. “Really?”

  Evelyn got up, began pacing. “Did you see his body language? His whole demeanor changed when Jackson showed up. Rowland clearly took on the submissive role.”

  Lily’s mood matched the dark liquid she swirled in her cup. Black. And hot. “And Jackson may or may not be double-crossing Rowland.”

  “Correct.”

  “Fantastic.”

  In perfect sync with his wife, Marcus picked up where Evelyn had left off. “Then there’s our wild card, our sniper. We swept the entire floor and got nothing. It was as if he was a ghost.”

  Lily wanted to scream. Nothing about this operation could be easy, could it? She pushed back from the table and moved toward the coffeepot. She needed more caffeine. Pronto. “No one is a ghost.”

  Marcus leaned his chair back on its two back legs, nodding. “In a normal situation, I would agree. But we all know there’s nothing normal about this mess we’re in.”

  Cringing, Lily hung her head. The mess she’d made. “Sorry about that.”

  “Not following.”

  She looked up at four very confused faces. A lump formed in her throat. “If I’d been on my game—if Rowland hadn’t made me—none of this would be happening, and you’d both be safe in San Diego.”

  Marcus let his chair drop back onto all fours. “Apparently, we haven’t articulated ourselves well enough, Lily. The moment we met you, you became family.”