Tainted Butterfly

by Terri Anne Browning

  “How are you feeling, baby?” he asked in a voice choked with his tears.

  Hearing how emotional his voice was pulled me completely out of the sleepy daze I was in and everything came flooding back to me. The pain, the blood, the realization that I had lost something priceless.

  A small sob escaped me. “Gray.”

  “Shh,” he murmured, kissing me so tenderly that the tears fell faster. “It’s okay. Don’t cry. Please, baby, don’t cry.” But he was crying even harder now, which broke my heart even more.

  “She’s gone,” I cried. “Our little nugget is gone, isn’t she?”

  “Yeah, baby. W-we lost her.”

  “No,” I sobbed, grabbing his shirt and pulling him down so I could bury my face in his chest. “That’s not fair. It’s not fair, Gray. I wanted our baby.”

  “Me too, baby. Me too.” He pressed tender kisses to the top of my head, holding me carefully against him. His entire body seemed to tremble, his heart was pounding against his chest, and his tears spilled onto my cheeks to mix with my own.

  “Y-you did?”

  “Fuck, yes, I did. As soon as Kin told me what was going on, my heart shattered.”

  “But … you were so relieved when I got my period,” I reminded him.

  He was quiet for a few moments before he pulled back long enough so he could climb onto the bed beside me. He cupped my face in one hand, the other stroking up and down my back. “Yeah, I was relieved, Kas. Because I didn’t know if I was ready to be a dad, and when you told me you got your period, I knew we didn’t have to think about it. Our lives didn’t have to change yet. But, earlier today, when Kin said you were miscarrying, having to face the reality of losing something so precious, it hit me that I do want our baby.”

  “But we lost her,” I whispered brokenly.

  “I sorry, Kas. So damn sorry.”

  We lay there in my hospital bed for a long time, both of us crying and holding each other as the loss of our baby weighed down on us. Neither of us spoke because there were no words that could have made this better for either of us. I just wanted Gray to hold me. Knowing he was there for me, that he was feeling the same sense of loss that I was, didn’t make it better, but it somehow made it a little easier to bear.

  A nurse came in to check on me. After asking if I needed anything, she left us alone again, giving us a sympathetic smile as she closed the door.

  Gray held me, softly humming my lullaby and stroking my back like he always did when I needed comforting until I fell asleep in his arms. When I woke up in the middle of the night, he was still beside me. Still humming. Still rubbing my back. A few more tears spilled from my eyes when I saw that his own tears hadn’t completely dried yet.

  “G-Gray?”

  He touched his lips to the top of my head. “Yeah, baby?”

  “I love you.”

  His throat worked before he could speak. “I love you more, Kas.”

  ***

  The doctor came in early the next morning and said I could go home as long as I took it easy for a few days. We had planned to fly to Bristol, but those plans were put on hold because the doctor said I couldn’t travel for a few weeks. I hated that I wasn’t going to get to see Alicia, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure how I was going to face her after what had happened. For some reason, I felt like I had let her down.

  Gray drove me home and then helped me up to our apartment. Instead of taking me to my room, we went to his because my bed had been completely ruined. Everything on the bed had to be tossed out, including the mattress, because of all the blood. I was just as comfortable in his bed as I was my own, so it was easy to relax in his room.

  Once I was settled, Gray stood over me, a tight look on his face. “I asked Jace to stay out of the way until I got you sorted. I didn’t want to upset you last night or this morning, but he’s dying to see you, Kas. If you’re up to it, I’ll tell him he can come in here. If you aren’t ready to see anyone, I’ll tell him to fuck off.”

  I bit my lip, wondering just how bad things had gone with Jace the day before. Gray hadn’t mentioned my brother—or anyone else, for that matter—and I hadn’t even thought about him or anyone else because I had been so torn up over what had happened. But I could imagine how Jace had reacted when the shit had hit the fan about my miscarriage.

  “Did you two fight?”

  Gray shrugged, touching a hand to his jaw. “He threw a punch. I didn’t touch him though. Figured he deserved to kick my ass.”

  “Gray, this wasn’t your fault. The doctor said this happens all the time. Women have miscarriages every day. It’s just part of life.” It sucked though. And hurt. Fuck, did it ever hurt.

  “Are you up to seeing him?” he asked, changing the subject and ignoring what I had just said.

  “I want to talk to him.”

  He nodded, dropped a quick kiss on my lips, and stepped back from the bed. “I’ll fix you something to eat while you two talk.”

  I watched him go, heard his and Jace’s lowered voices outside the door, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. I twisted my fingers in the sheet Gray had tucked around me, nervous for the first time to see my brother. All of our lives, I had looked up to him, and just like with Alicia, I felt like I had let him down somehow.

  “Hey,” Jace said with a small smile as he poked his head in.

  “H-hey,” I whispered, fresh tears springing to my eyes. I thought I would have been all cried out by now, but it looked like I still had a big supply.

  Jace groaned, pushed the door closed, and crossed to the bed. After pulling me into his arms as he sat on the bed, he rocked me carefully. “Kas, hey, it’s okay. Don’t cry.”

  “I-I’m s-sorry,” I mumbled tearfully, wiping my nose on his shirt without even realizing I was doing it. “I’m just so damn weepy and I hate it.”

  He gave me a gentle hug and sat back so that he could look down at me. “You have a right to be weepy, sweetheart. The last two days have been hell.” He grabbed the box of tissues Gray had set beside the bed and mopped my face with one. “I’m so sorry, Kas.”

  “Why are you sorry? This wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t yours or Gray’s or anyone else’s fault. The baby … just wasn’t meant to be.” The tears fell faster, and I snatched the tissue from him to blow my nose.”

  “I’m still sorry, sis.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about Gray?” he asked after a moment of silence. “Why did you keep it a secret?”

  “Because I wanted to savor being with Gray without you ruining it,” I told him honestly. “You’re a great big brother, Jace. I love you so much. You were my first protector, the boy who acted like my father when he should have been off having fun and not having to worry about his baby sister. Which was why I know you would have made things uncomfortable for us if we’d told you that we were together.”

  His lips twisted. “You’re right. I probably would have. But I know he loves you, Kassa. And, after Kin more or less beat it into my head yesterday, I have to admit that I’m kind of glad you’re with Gray. We might never do more than tolerate each other, but I can sleep through the night knowing that you have a man who would give his life for yours if it ever came down to it.”

  “I love him too, Jace.”

  “I know, honey.” He pressed a small kiss to my brow. “I know.”

  The bedroom door opened and Gray came in with a tray loaded with fruit juice and fresh fruit. Jace stood and moved out of his way as he set the tray over my lap.

  “Kin was already working on this, so I stole a bowl full for you.” He kissed my lips and straightened. “You need anything else, baby?”

  “You beside me is all I want right now.”

  “You got it.” He bounced down beside me on the bed and stole a grape before turning the TV on.

  Jace bent to give me a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll let you rest. But, if you’re up to it tomorrow, Kin and the girls want to come in and spend a lit
tle time with you.”

  “Okay. I think I would like that.” I gave him a tiny smile. “Love you, big bro.”

  “Love you, little sis.”

  Gray watched my brother leave before giving me his full attention. “You okay?”

  I nodded, still too easily emotional to speak.

  “It’s okay if you’re not, Kas. You are allowed to not be okay for as long as you want. I’ll be right here to hold you through it, baby.”

  “I know,” I whispered. “And that just makes me love you more.”

  He shifted so that he was leaning against the headboard. After rearranging the tray he had brought me, he tucked me against him. Then he picked the bowl of fruit up and fed me as we watched pointless television. I loved that he was allowing me to not be okay, because even though I had said that I was, I wasn’t. I didn’t know if or when I would be okay again, but as long as he was holding me, it didn’t matter.

  EPILOGUE

  Gray

  Gray age 25

  Kassa age 20

  The warm evening air stirred Kassa’s hair as we walked down the street with our friends. Friday night in Nashville was like party city, especially when it came to bachelorette parties. There were drunken pedal taverns everywhere with crazy chicks wasted as they pedaled their way around Music City.

  Tainted Knights had had a concert the night before, and we had planned to make an entire weekend of our visit before going up to spend a few days with Alicia. Because Kin and Santana were also with us, it had turned into a group thing and we were now walking the streets, listening to the music from all the bars on Broadway. It was a fun night, but I wasn’t exactly enjoying spending the night with all my jackass bandmates.

  This was supposed to have been my night alone with Kassa, the night that I asked her to marry me. I’d had it all planned out, and when Kin and Santana had said that they were coming along, Kassa had gotten so excited that I hadn’t been able to say no. She was just now starting to get back to herself after the miscarriage, and I had loved seeing the spark in her eyes so much that I had told her that we could do whatever she wanted.

  “Let’s go check out the live music on the rooftop at the Hard Rock,” Santana suggested, tugging on Kale’s hand.

  “Sure, babe,” he said. “I could go for a beer anyway.”

  Jace and Kin walked behind them, with me and Kassa bringing up the rear. I kept my arm over her shoulder, and she had her fingers linked with mine, a happy grin on her face.

  “Thanks for this weekend, Gray,” she told me. “I really needed it.”

  I bent and gave her a kiss on the lips as we walked. “Anything for you, baby.”

  “I know I’ve been a little crazy lately, but thanks for putting up with me.”

  I paused in the middle of the sidewalk, not caring that there was a crowd of people trying to move in both directions. “Kassa, I told you you’re allowed to not be okay, and I meant that. It’s taken a while for me to be okay again too.” I kissed the tip of her nose. “I’m really glad you’re getting back to being okay though. I love seeing this smile on your face again.”

  “You really helped me a lot,” she murmured, looking up at me with those big, blue eyes so full of love for me that it made my heart hurt in all the right ways. Every time I saw that look in her eyes, I thanked God that he had given me this woman. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you more.”

  Her eyes twinkled at those four little words.

  “Hey, you two coming?” Jace called back to us from almost half a block ahead of us.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I grumbled. “We’re right behind you.”

  The Hard Rock was only a block away, and when we got there, we went straight upstairs. A band was already playing country cover songs. They sounded pretty good, and Kassa was tapping her hand against her thigh to the beat as we left the others to get their drinks at the bar.

  “Oh wow,” she breathed as she drank in the view while we walked out onto the rooftop patio. She dropped my hand and went over to one of the two long couches, watching the people below.

  Downtown Nashville looked alive below us, but it was how beautiful Kassa looked that took my breath away. Her hair was pulled to one side in a braid that fell over her shoulder. She was wearing a flowery dress that stopped mid-thigh with a jean jacket over it and cowboy boots on her feet. I stood there, watching her, while she laughed at a group of girls on one of the pedal taverns. They were squealing and doing shots at the red light below.

  Fuck it. It didn’t matter if I waited for the perfect time, because every day with her was perfect to me. And I was tired of waiting. I wanted my ring on her finger.

  I pulled the ring from my pocket, where I had put it before we had left the hotel earlier. While she was still focused on the people below, I dropped to my knees behind her and waited for her to turn around.

  “Holy shit,” Jace muttered behind me.

  “Shut up, Jace,” Kin snapped at him.

  Kassa’s head turned at the sound of their bickering, which was a regular occurrence these days, and a frown was scrunching up her face. “What are you two fighting about now…” She trailed off, her mouth falling open when she saw me. “Gray,” she breathed, her eyes going wide, her chin already trembling. “What are you doing?”

  I grinned, took her left hand in mine, and pushed the ring onto her finger. “Kassa, I think I fell in love with you the minute you crawled into my bed that very first night. We were just kids. Fuck, you were still just a baby, but something inside of me came alive that night. You told me you loved me for the first time that night. Do you remember?”

  With tears spilling from her eyes, she nodded.

  I cleared my throat of the lump that was trying to ruin this moment, blinking my own tears back. “I was feeling lost and hurting, but you just crawled into bed with me and shared your bowl of fruit, and I knew in that moment that everything was going to be okay because you were beside me.”

  “Always,” she whispered. “I will always be beside you.”

  “The morning after I made you mine, I bought this ring,” I confessed. “I knew I was going to marry you, that you had to be mine for eternity. When I walked into the jewelry store, I saw this ring and knew it was made for you. Fate wanted us to be together so much that they inspired someone to make the perfect ring just for you, little butterfly.” I uncovered her hand and lifted it to my lips, kissing the butterfly-shaped diamond. “Don’t fight fate, Kassa. Say yes—say you’ll marry me.”

  She didn’t even look at the ring as she threw her arms around me, nearly making me fall backwards before I caught her. “Yes,” she sobbed, kissing every inch of my face. “Yes. I’ll marry you. I love you. I always have. From that first night. I knew I was yours then, Gray. Even at seven years old, I was yours.”

  Someone sobbed behind us, and Kassa and I both lifted our heads and found Kin a snotty mess. She wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands.

  “I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “That was just so beautiful. I never thought that this dumbass could be so romantic.”

  Kassa made a low growling noise in her throat at Kin’s insult toward me. But I pulled her head down and caught her lips in a deep kiss, making us both forget about Kin and everyone else in the world. My heart felt completely full for the first time since we had lost our baby, and I wasn’t going to waste this moment being worried about anyone else.

  PLAYLIST

  “Watch Over You” by Alter Bridge

  “Kiss Me” by Ed Sheeran

  “Can I Be Him” by James Authur

  “Save You” by Kelly Clarkson

  “Loves Just a Feeling” (ft. Rooty) by Lindsey Stirling

  “At My Best” (ft. Hailee Steinfeld) by Machine Gun Kelly

  “Unapologetically” by Kelsea Ballerini

  “Ruin the Friendship” by Demi Lovato

  “Gravity” by Wage War

  “What Ifs” (ft. Lauren Alaina) by Kane Brown

  “Here for Good”
by Failure Anthem

  “Million Reasons” by Lady Gaga

  Table of Contents

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Twenty

  Twenty One

  Twenty Two

  Twenty Three

  Twenty Four

  Twenty Five

  Twenty Six

  Twenty Seven

  Twenty Eight

  Twenty Nine

  Epilogue

  Playlist