Love Secrets of Don Juan

by Tim Lott

  Happy endings are real. I’m going to make them happen. Why not? I’m the omniscient narrator, goddamn it. I can do what I like.

  There is a God. And it’s me.

  Postscript

  Helen Palmer is now professor of Women’s Studies at Warwick University. She is the author of several books including The Case for Castration: A Radical Solution to Male Violence, Wanting It All, Having It All, Losing It All, Getting It All Back Again and The Beauty Virus. She has been married twice, but is currently ‘successfully single’.

  Kelly Cornelius is happily married with three children. She has yet to sell a painting, and is shortly to make a shift to conceptual art making use of recycled nappies and vulcanized bottle teats. She lives in a large house in Holland Park with Hugo Bunce, who has become a leading adviser to the Blair administration. He visits Anya, a Russian prostitute, in Shepherd’s Market once a fortnight.

  Natasha Bliss is now the head of her own advertising agency, and features in the Sunday Times Rich List.

  Beth Collins married Oliver Ferris at a register office in Hammersmith. She was recently ousted from the board of MG Media by Miranda Green, is now training as an independent life-skills consultant.

  Poppy Savage has recently achieved her Swimming Proficiency Grade 3 certificate, but has abandoned violin lessons after setting fire to her instrument. Her brand loyalty to McDonald’s has switched to Pizza Hut after a free Happy Meal toy was found to be defective. She has developed a mild fear of enclosed cylindrical spaces, which makes flying problematic.

  Martin Gilfeather has, for the past three weeks, been dating a seventeen-year-old MTV presenter. Her requests to cohabit are awaiting Martin’s decision.

  Carol Moon never contacted Danny Savage again.

  Iris and Derek Savage have moved from Yiewsley to Watford. They are currently planning a new bathroom.

  Terence has lost most of his clients over the last three months as a result of a protracted bout of depression that has rendered him temporarily incapable of speech. He is currently awaiting a bed at St Charles’ Hospital mental health facility, North Kensington.

  Daniel ‘Spike’ Savage and Alice Fairfax live happily in a terraced house in Hanwell, West London, three streets from where Daniel grew up. Daniel’s debut novel, Ten Nightmare Things About Women (Iron John Press, 266 pp, £6.99) was remaindered after five weeks. He has recently made a successful return to the world of advertising. Alice is due to give birth to their first child in the spring.