Safe Hex: A Hexy Witch Mystery (Womby's School for Wayward Witches Book 16)

by Sarina Dorie

  I pretended I didn’t notice that smirk he gave Thatch. I didn’t feel as bad about making them do this now.

  Elric’s erection outsized Thatch in length and girth. I had always made it a point of trying not to compare them, but it was hard not to do so when they were both naked in front of me. I was fairly certain the size of his conjured trouser snake wouldn’t even fit into my body.

  “Are you . . . um. . . . Is that real?” I asked. Probably not the most eloquent wording I could have come up with.

  “It’s a glamour,” Thatch said.

  Elric lifted his chin. “No! This is how I always am.”

  I was fairly certain I didn’t remember his penis had ever looked like a zucchini that had been left on the vine too long. “No magic is allowed in this game. Even glamours,” I said.

  Elric sighed despondently. “Fine.”

  His python diminished to a less lethal size, though I suspected he still was enhancing himself some, it wasn’t to the point that it would inhibit our activity.

  I tried to smile reassuringly, to not look like I had a sneaky trick up my sleeve—or more accurately—hidden in my underwear. “Here are the rules: No magic. You have to cooperate. And you must be nice to each other. Can you agree to this?”

  Elric nodded. “I give you my word.”

  We’d see what that was worth.

  I looked to Thatch. “Do you agree?”

  “No.”

  I pinched him.

  “You haven’t told us what the goal of the game is,” he said.

  I pinched him harder. “I will in a minute after you agree.”

  His face remained expressionless, unimpressed. I grabbed his face and stood on tiptoe. He dipped his head down to allow me to kiss him. I grabbed a fistful of his hair, yanking in that way he liked. He moaned.

  “Promise to follow the rules,” I said.

  “Maybe.”

  I yanked his head back harder and bit his neck.

  A smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “You win. I’ll follow your blasted rules.”

  I beckoned Elric closer to Thatch so that they faced each other.

  “Close your eyes,” I said.

  Unsurprisingly, Thatch said, “No.”

  Elric did as I asked, a little smile on his lips.

  Careful not to poke Thatch with the rough edges, I slipped the enlarged finger trap over his erection first. There was plenty of room on the other side for a partner with Elric’s length.

  “Merlin’s balls,” Thatch said.

  I hooked an arm around Elric’s waist and guided him closer. “Keep your eyes closed.”

  “Don’t do it. It’s a trick.” Thatch tried to twist away.

  I grabbed on to stop him.

  Elric laughed. “She literally has you by the balls.”

  I tried not to giggle. He’d obviously peeked.

  Elric stared down at the paper device. “This isn’t going to cause problems like that one time.”

  I smiled reassuringly. “It’s organic. I was told all the dyes are plant-based.”

  Thatch shook his head. “It’s a trap. Don’t put yourself in the—”

  Too late. Elric already had.

  “This isn’t so bad. What’s next?” Elric asked.

  Thatch glared at him. “You knave.”

  “Now you have to get out of it. It’s going to take control, coordination, and communication.”

  Elric laughed. “I see. Tricky.” He stepped back, tugging Thatch forward.

  Thatch swore at him. “That isn’t how this works. Haven’t you ever seen a finger trap before?” He pulled his hips back, tugging Elric forward.

  Elric stumbled into Thatch, who kicked him.

  “Don’t kick me, you ungrateful ingrate!” Elric said.

  “You aren’t cooperating,” I said.

  “I expect a sizable reward after this,” Thatch said.

  I laughed. “Of course.”

  I watched their penis tug-of-war from the table, nibbling on the breakfast Elric had brought up. They weren’t making much progress. The most communication that was going on was name calling.

  “This is a puzzle, not a competition. Stop trying to pull away,” Thatch said.

  “I’m not the one yanking, you are.”

  They arched away from each other, both obviously wanting to be as far from the other as possible.

  “Stop moving. You’ll only make this worse if you maintain an erection,” Thatch said.

  I dressed in one of the Regency-style gowns. It took longer than usual since I didn’t have a maid. They still hadn’t figured out how to get out by the time I was done. I had a feeling this was going to take a long time. I considered my options. If I stayed and babysat them, I might be there for hours. I’d already heard enough bickering to drive me crazy.

  “This is too hard. You are going to let us out of this, right?” Elric asked.

  Thatch snorted. “This is our punishment for not getting along.”

  Elric looked to me with puppy eyes. “If we promise to be good, will you please take it off?”

  If I left, I wouldn’t be guilted into helping them. They would be forced to figure it out on their own. Thatch was all about giving naughty students their weaknesses to make them stronger. It was time I did the same.

  “Remember, no magic,” I said over my shoulder.

  I found Tilly, the lady’s maid, downstairs. “Would you make sure no one goes into my room? Mr. Thatch and Prince Elric are in a private meeting. I want to make sure no one disturbs them.”

  I decided to go to Imani’s room next. It was early enough in the day I thought she would still be in her room. I suspected she wouldn’t be teaching today, since it was Saturday, but I didn’t know.

  She was already dressed when I found her. She was delighted to invite me in and showed me her sketchpad and the adjoining room next to hers with a wall of mirrors installed to make it into a dance studio. I was also fortunate she was around to help me with my dress because I didn’t realize I had done a poor job of lacing up the back.

  “Are you teaching today? What kind of plans do you have?” I asked.

  “Usually it’s my day off, but we have a special outing planned. The guards are escorting us to the Jade Court today. The children were invited over for a playdate. They need to have their nursemaid, me, and the guards to watch them because . . . well, you probably know the dangers of Fae more than anyone else.”

  I wondered if she meant in general or my recent encounter with the Raven Court.

  “The duke in the Jade Court is very indulgent with the children,” she said. “He and his wife aren’t the sort who will try to steal them away or force them into bargains. Their king and queen are strict about the rules meant to protect children, more so than the other Fae courts, but Grandpa Elric always makes adults from our court go with them.” She smiled cheerily. “You can come with us if you want, but you should probably tell Grandpa you’re joining us.”

  “Thanks, but I think I’ll pass on this one.” I doubted I was allowed to leave his property yet. Nor did I particularly wish to disturb Elric and Thatch at the moment.

  Imani visited with me for another half hour before excusing herself to get ready. I went outside and walked in the garden. Everything was in bloom and beautiful. I had felt happy enough while I was visiting with Imani, but while I was alone with my thoughts, it was hard for me not to think about how unjust the world was where we lived. I missed my mom. I wished I could have told her how much I loved her. There was so much grief in my heart—over her, over my growing distance to Thatch, over something else I couldn’t quite place my finger on—it was hard to feel any peace despite the loveliness of the day.

  I spotted Thatch’s face through an open window upstairs. If he was at the window, that mean he wasn’t fastened to the bed anymore. It looked like cooperation had saved the day.

  I waved. His eyes narrowed, and he smirked. Fro
m the way he shook his head at me, I took that to mean he hadn’t appreciated my collaborative exercise. I didn’t see Elric, but that was probably for the best because it meant they were no longer conjoined.

  Thatch turned his attention to something else, and I continued walking. The day was overcast but warm.

  Seeing Thatch in the window reminded me of everything I had learned about him. If he wasn’t always so bent on protecting me from every little thing, he might have told me I was making him worse. He could have spared me from thinking he didn’t want to be intimate with me and informed me of the truth. I still didn’t know how much of Elric being the one to revive and help control my affinity was because I truly needed his powerful magic, and how much of it simply was related to Thatch’s inability to withstand my magic.

  I suspected it was more than controlling magic and touch affinities clashing. If Thatch had resorted to asking Vega to make him a potion, that meant he’d had to swallow enough of his pride to tell her he couldn’t get an erection. He hadn’t specified whether this was solely due to a magical difficulty or a mental one. Probably he wouldn’t tell me voluntarily either.

  I hated the idea that our affinities didn’t work well together. I was worse for him than Gertrude Periwinkle. I wondered how long it would be before pain and pleasure could coexist harmoniously in our relationship. If I went to him in his dungeon and offered to torture him with his vises, I could be part of his recovery process. I could show him I was willing to do what it took to arouse him and fill him with his version of happy magic.

  Or I might get queasy and pass out.

  As I walked along the path, I hesitated when I came to Vega sitting with a woman in a gray uniform and white apron at a baby carriage. Vega wore a loose day dress like something a woman from the twenties might wear. It was strange seeing her in pastels. At least the green in the dress washed out some of the gray-green of her complexion.

  Vega made cooing noises at the baby until she spotted me. “You,” she said.

  “Um . . . hi.” I already felt awkward after my last encounter with her baby. Vega wasn’t one to forgive or forget.

  She lifted the baby into her arms. “You can look, but you can’t touch.”

  “Okay.” I took that as an invitation that I could join her.

  She chatted with me amiably, or as amiably as Vega was capable. I talked to her about the students and her ideas for a school. We visited for so long, she shooed the nurse inside with the baby and sent for lunch. We ate together in the garden. I liked it better there than the house. My room was too much like a prison, a reminder that I would be stuck here until I was completely well.

  As we ate, Vega brought up Thatch’s dungeon in the cellar, rolling her eyes.

  “He said you made him a potion,” I said around a bite of sandwich.

  A crafty smile tugged at her lips. “Did he? And he showed you what it does?”

  “Sort of. His plan didn’t work.”

  “How could it not work? I’m an expert at making potions. Better than he is, I’d wager. Especially now that he’s gotten himself drained.”

  I longed to have someone to confide in, but Vega could be as mercurial as any Fae. If I told her about the heavy burden crushing my heart and soul, I didn’t know how she would use that information.

  “Do you understand our affinities don’t work together?” I asked. “His heart was in the right place asking you for that spell, but it wasn’t his most brilliant idea.”

  “You both have touch affinities. It isn’t like you’re a succubus, and he draws out sex magic from you that makes him into a beast in bed. Though, it probably would be fun if yours did.”

  I laughed at that. “His affinity is pain. Mine is pleasure. It’s like fire and ice. While he’s in a weakened state, he can’t be exposed to as much of me and my affinity. I make him worse.”

  “For being an artist, you can be so uncreative. There are plenty of ways you could remedy the situation. Just slap him around the whole time you’re having sex. That’s what I would do.”

  I had no doubt she would. “But my magic is going to drain him no matter what, so that isn’t going to work. It’s probably better if you don’t give him more potions like that.”

  “That’s his business if he wants a potion, not yours.” She crossed her arms. “It really is unfair when you think about it. All those times you’re off with my husband that Thatch and I are stuck on the sidelines doing nothing, I could be torturing him. I would like it far more than you would too.”

  I bit my lip, considering her words. “That’s probably true.” I wasn’t certain how I felt about the idea of her doing this. It wasn’t the same as her sleeping with him. Though I suspected it was just as intimate as sex. Yet if he had been open to sharing this side of himself with Vega, he could have done so years ago. She’d been interested in him once.

  I knew it had to be hard on her that Elric was paying more attention to me sexually than to her, but I didn’t want to share my husband with her. I wanted to keep him all to myself, as selfish as that was.

  “Elric said I could cheat on him, you know,” Vega said. “We have a tally sheet. Every time he’s with you, I can sleep with someone else.”

  “That doesn’t seem healthy.”

  “Who cares about healthy. It’s fair. That’s good enough for me.” A sly smile curled her lips upward. “I wonder what my husband would do if I told him I intended to use my credits with . . . Felix Thatch.”

  I wasn’t sure this was about fairness as much as it was getting even with Elric. And perhaps getting even with me. I didn’t like her insinuations.

  “Thatch wouldn’t do it,” I said quickly. “He’s too loyal.”

  “Yes, of course. Unlike some people we know.”

  The jab hurt, even if it was true.

  She tapped her lacquered nails against the wood of the bench. “Though, I think if I’m going to spend my sex credits on someone, it should be with someone interesting and less mopey . . . like Captain Errol.”

  “The captain of Elric’s guard?”

  “It’s amusing to watch Elric’s reaction when I flirt with him. And even more hilarious to see Errol’s embarrassment.” She studied me for a long moment.

  I didn’t like that gleam in her eyes as she went on. “Errol is Fae, and he has a mastery of magic. His conduct is gentlemanly. We could probably set you up with him so that Elric could take a break from you.”

  “No.”

  “I had a feeling you would say that. It’s probably for the best anyway. If I do end up seducing him, I don’t want to be forced to share him with you too. From what I gather from eavesdropping on the staff, I hear he’s the only one in Elric’s guard that has a decent-sized cock.”

  I laughed at that. Vega and her priorities. “Is that your requirement? Size?”

  She shrugged. “It’s not the most important characteristic. I’ve learned one of the practical skills of any powerful Fae is that they can change the size of their genitals.”

  As I’d learned earlier. I tried not to smile as I thought about how Elric had increased in size in order to impress me.

  “What?” Vega asked, eyes narrowing. “Did he do it for you?”

  She meant Elric. Probably this sparked another round of jealousy in her.

  “It wasn’t like that. He was just trying to make himself bigger than Thatch. He thought it was a kind of contest between them because . . . well . . . it’s a long story.”

  “The best kind.”

  I didn’t want to have to tell her about their kinky cooperation exercise. “You know, maybe I should go inside now.”

  I stood to go. She grabbed my arm and yanked me back down beside her. “I want to know about this contest. Who won?”

  “It wasn’t like that.” Seeing no way out, I told her what I’d done, tying them up and putting the enlarged finger trap on them to make them cooperate by getting out.

  “What’s a finger trap
?” she asked.

  “How can you be a teacher and not know what a finger trap is? It’s a low-tech puzzle for kids that has been around forever.” I explained what the trap was and how it worked.

  When she finally got the concept, my diabolical plan amused her. “So how did they free themselves from it?”

  “I don’t know. I wasn’t there. I left the room so I didn’t have to listen to them bickering.”

  “You left them alone? How do you know they aren’t still there bickering? Or trying to kill each other.”

  “I saw Thatch at the window so I know they got out of it.”

  Her brows drew together. “You know Thatch got out of it. How do you know he didn’t do something to Elric, and he isn’t seriously injured?”

  “Think about it. Thatch doesn’t have any magic. What could he do? The worst they did to each other when I was there was kick each other and swear.”

  “While you were there, that’s the worst they would do.” She stood. “Did you make Thatch promise not to hurt Elric?”

  “He agreed to the rules of the game.”

  “That’s not the same as giving you his word. Did he promise?”

  I tried to think back. “Elric promised.”

  She grabbed me by my arm, pulling me to my feet. “Let me see if I understand you correctly. You made my husband feel bound to keep his word. He will keep it because he will want to impress you. Then you leave him to the devices of a sadomasochist who won’t have any scruples about hurting himself or someone he loathes to get himself out.”

  When she put it like that, it sounded pretty bad.

  “Thatch does have scruples,” I said. “He isn’t going to just hurt anyone for the fun of it.”

  “How can you be such a fuckwit? You’ve just invited them to duel with each other.” She shook me, urgency in her voice. “How long have they been alone together?”

  I didn’t want to tell her. I felt like a neglectful parent who had left my child unattended for too long. In a car. On a hot day. Full of rattlesnakes.

  Her eyes narrowed. She made a motion as though she were reaching into a long sleeve, though she wore none. Her wand appeared in her hand. “Tell me, or I’ll hex you.”