Tainted Black

by Shanora Williams

  That day, I believe Theo was out of his damned mind. He got a tribal wave tattooed above his left collarbone, close to his neck. I instantly knew the meaning of it before he could explain.

  “Why?” I whispered when we left the shop and met up to Ol’ Charlie in the parking lot. “Why would you do that for me?”

  “Because the ocean is our place,” he murmured, his body close, his hand cupping the back of my neck. “The sea will always remind me of you.”

  Ink. Dark, beautiful, permanent ink would forever remind him of me. I wanted a copy for keepsake. I’d contemplated getting something similar one day, maybe when everything wasn’t so intense. His artist was a good one, but he was very strict about his sketching. He didn’t want anyone copying his work, and he had even signed the rough draft and final sketch of Theo’s dark wave. Too bad Theo had signed a contract that clearly stated he couldn’t get the drafts or the finals. His shop had some crazy rules, but their high quality made up for it.

  I begged. Theo begged, but it didn’t work. He told us the tattoo on his arm was all we needed—that he never gave his drafts or sketches away. He was just being a jackass. Theo said he’d get a copy for me—that the Blacks always got their way and Rob would regret not giving it to him the first time. It wasn’t that serious, but to see his determination was sinfully delightful.

  Maybe, after all this time, this was true love, or so I thought. Trixie called his cellphone later that night while we were tangled in the sheets. And before leaving, I lay on his chest, fighting the tears begging to be shed.

  There wasn’t anyone I could talk to about this other than Margie, so I filled her in on everything. She understood our situation more than I thought she would, but her only response was to try and let go. I didn’t like the advice because we were trying. It was just too damn hard.

  And to make matters, well… worse, I found her kissing my dad when I came home late one night from Theo’s. It really must have been one of his good days, because he groped all of Margie’s curves, holding tight, kissing like his life depended on it. I was shocked—never saw it coming.

  I didn’t interrupt though. In fact, I found it kind of cute. Apparently, Margie heard or saw me going past the bedroom because later on that night, she came into my room with one of my dad’s robes on, her cheeks flushed.

  I tried so hard not to snicker as she quietly shut the door behind her. “So… um… how long?”

  She blushed, her face cherry red now. “A while now, sweetie. About a week after you came home.”

  “Wow,” I breathed, stunned.

  She walked my way, sitting on the bed beside me. “Believe it or not, I have loved your father for over thirty years.”

  My eyes expanded. “You’ve known him for that long?”

  She nodded. “Back in college, I met Richard first. He was in one of my computer classes. I’d always found him handsome, but I didn’t think a guy like him would be interested in a chubby Spanish girl like me. But he was very intrigued, even agreed to come study with me every Wednesday night.” She was tickled, grinning as she focused on my carpet. Then, her face straightened. “Your mother saw him during one of our study nights. I purposely scheduled on Wednesday nights in his dorm because I didn’t want her to see him. Your mom is a… very envious person. There was one night when they were doing plumbing on Richard’s hall and the library was closed due to reconstruction. We were left with no choice but to go back to my dorm room. Well, I had no choice. He kept begging me to see it, and I didn’t want to keep telling him no. So, we got there… and Bonnie was laying right on the bed. I didn’t expect her, but just like that”—she snapped her fingers—“she stole him away from me.”

  “Seriously? Why would she do that if she knew you were interested?” I was angry about that.

  Margie shrugged. “Like I said, she was a very envious woman. She hated when I had something she didn’t. She swore she was my friend, but whenever I got a new pair of shoes or met a guy that really liked me, she’d either rain on my parade or do something to get the guy to notice her.”

  I grimaced, not at Margie but at my mother’s behavior. “Ew, Margie, why did you even stay friends with her?”

  “It wasn’t for her, sweetie. It was for Richard.”

  I blinked.

  “See, I had never expressed myself to Richie the way I’d always wanted to. I dreamed of telling him how I felt and then having him tell me something just as great in return—maybe even better—but I was only dreaming. Richie fell for your mother, and she stuck around because she learned he had inheritance from grandparents he’d never met, and would soon be taking over their accounting and banking business. Bonnie came from nothing, so she stuck with a man that could give her any and everything.”

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything to Dad?”

  She chewed on her bottom lip, perplexed as she zoned out. “Because… for a few years he was happy. And by the time I had the courage, it was already too late. They were getting married. Trust me, Bonnie always knew I loved your father, which is why she tried to string me along by having me take care of him during these rough times. She knew I wouldn’t say no—she knew I would stick around because I love Richie. I care for him, and I know exactly what he needs and what he deserves. Basically, she handed me her leftovers. When I told you that your father worked hard and could hardly be there for you, that was because of Bonnie. She made him slave for her to have continual income, threatening divorce—something he didn’t want. She made him take international jobs, not giving a damn if he was around to watch you grow up. I got his letters. His calls. He was always upset with Bonnie, and from what I saw, she didn’t even care.”

  Margie crossed her arms, shaking her head.

  I dropped mine, ashamed that I’d even come from such a woman. Not that I didn’t already know she could be selfish, but I didn’t think she’d land a blow that low—especially towards a woman so nice.

  “You mom has her qualities. Like you said, she isn’t all bad. But… like I said. She will always put herself first, even before her own child.”

  I was saddened to hear about Mom’s true colors, and the more and more I thought on it, the more I realized how glad I was that Margie was around and my mother wasn’t. Margie deserved my dad, and he deserved her. He deserved a woman that gave instead of someone that just took, snatched, and then ran with his heart and soul. Margie patiently swept up the pieces, restoring his happiness.

  I talked to Margie a lot, more about myself and my situation with Theodore than anything else. Unfortunately, Sterling was still around when I filled Margie in on my hectic taboo ordeal. High school students were out for summer break, which gave him ample time to work from home. He worked a lot at the desk in the den, but I didn’t realize that was his place of peace until I told Margie all about my complications. He was only a room away.

  That night, about two hours after I asked her what I should do, Sterling came up to my room. He knocked first, which I was glad for. When he stepped in, I drew my knees to my chest, swallowing hard as he shut the door behind him. I was a little terrified of this guy. All I got from him the past two and a half weeks were odd stares and weird vibes.

  Before he made it too far, he held his hands up in the air innocently. “You don’t have to be scared of me, you know?”

  “You weird me out,” I admitted.

  He laughed, finding my rapid response funny. “I… have a bad habit of not being able to express myself. I can be very… weird, as you put it.”

  Ya think?

  I shrugged.

  “Listen, um… I heard you talking to my mom in the kitchen. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping again,”—he held his hands up as I started to tell him off—“but I was in the den, and lately I’ve been a little worried about you.”

  “About me?” I narrowed my brows, releasing my legs. “Why would you be worried about me? You hardly even know me.”

  “Well, see, it’s weird ‘cause I feel like I k
now a lot about you. All my mom ever does is talk about you. She’s always wanted a girl. You’re good to her. Sweet to her. She loves that you don’t act like the average female your age.”

  Something about the way he said that made a few parts of me soften. It could have been the kindness in his voice or how his mouth twitched to fight a smile. I realized then that Sterling was no creep. He was just a man that wasn’t sure how to take me. He didn’t understand me or why I did the things I did, but he never bothered bringing it up again.

  When I thought of it, I actually appreciated him for not telling anyone about Theo coming through my window—especially Margie. Maybe he wasn’t so much of a weirdo after all.

  I eased up a little, shoulders dropping, but he stayed in the same place. I noticed then that he had a tattoo on his shoulder. It looked familiar, then I noticed it was an exact replica of the tattoo Theo had below his collarbone. A jagged looking U. The Union.

  Holy… fucking… shit.

  He saw where my eyes landed, and he covered it. “You know about this?”

  I pretended I didn’t. “Nah. What’s it mean?” I asked, brows creased. I pushed off the bed, walking towards him.

  His Adam’s apple bobbed. “It’s stands for the Union. It was a… gang I was in when I was younger. I’ve changed.”

  “Yeah,” I sighed. “I see that.”

  “You know, it kinda hurt my feelings when you called me a creep the other week,” he teased, chuckling.

  My mouth twitched, but I couldn’t fight my smile. “I’m sorry… you were just really, really starting to weird me out. Why do you watch me swim?”

  “I used to swim a lot.”

  I was surprised to hear that. Margie never mentioned he was a swimmer. “I took up the hobby after college. The water was soothing. I loved how it felt going through my hair, surrounding me.” He shrugged. “Used to have a really bad temper. I’m ten times better than who I used to be. I don’t swim as much now since I work so much, but when I get the chance, it’s amazing.”

  “Swimming helps me relax too.” I stepped back.

  He blinked twice before looking me straight in the eyes. “Do you love that man over there?”

  It was my turn to blink as if I were clueless. “Who? Theo?”

  “I assume that’s his name.” Sterling smirked.

  I sat back down, blowing a breath. “I… do. He means a lot to me.”

  “How long have you known him?”

  “Since I was twelve.”

  Sterling’s eyes went wide. “He’s been hitting on you ever since you were twelve? Sounds like a fucking pervert.”

  “No, he was not hitting on me since I was twelve. I was nineteen when we actually… did something. But by that time, he was really spiraling, and he was no longer married.” I remembered that night clearly. I would never forget it. I sighed.

  “I guess I can’t blame you. I know the feeling.”

  My face warped with confusion. “Of what?”

  “Of falling in love with someone you know you can’t have. Someone older… a generation or two ahead of you.”

  My heart pitter-pattered, the beats light, but blood whooshed in my ears. Sterling rubbed the back of his neck, eyes avoiding mine. And then I saw it… shit. All this time I thought Margie was the one that had fallen for an older man—a forbidden lover—but it was her son who’d fallen for the older lover. Sterling had obviously told his mother everything. No wonder she knew so much, and no wonder she could sympathize.

  “Maybe now you can see why I’ve been kinda worried about you. I know how hard it is to let that go—to move on. It’s hard to think about, especially when it’s mutual. You know, my mom kinda told me the man was also your best friend’s dad. She had no right to tell me, but it was one of those days where she couldn’t stop talking… and I kinda forced it out of her.”

  Damn it, Margie! I snatched my gaze away.

  Sterling stepped forward. “You don’t have to feel ashamed, alright?” I looked up, and he was still watching me. “Trust me, I understand your struggle. I have no room to judge anyone on this God green earth.”

  “Hmm.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.

  “Hey—can I tell you a story? I think you’d be interested. It’s pretty similar to what you’re going through.” He put on a friendly smile, and surprisingly, the lopsided curve of his mouth intrigued me. I wanted to know his story. I wanted to know what he did to come out of his taboo affair.

  “Sure.” I scooted towards the edge of my bed.

  Turning only a fraction, he grabbed my pink chair and pulled it to the center of the room, near my bed. He sat down, folding his fingers in front of him, his elbows on top of his thighs.

  “So, when I was twenty, I joined this gang called the Union. The craziest, wildest time of my life… but that only lasted for a little while. They make you do some pretty crazy shit. A gang like that attracted naïve, young-minded men like me. Especially young men that had been abused, neglected, or abandoned. My dad used to hit me and my mom when—well, you know. I’m sure you can put two and two together.” His smile was uneasy.

  Wow. That explained so much, not only with him, but with Margie as well.

  “Anyway, The Union doesn’t believe in true love,” he told me. “They think women were put on this earth for them to fuck and have their babies, but they don’t think love is necessary to the life they live. I didn’t understand why they didn’t believe in love, and I hated they didn’t because I was falling in love with someone. It was natural and real and extremely hard to ignore or avoid. I knew the Union would never understand or accept it, so I kept my love a secret. I never wanted them to find out.” Sterling looked down, his breathing going heavy. “I… uh…” He struggled with a smile and a frown. “Shit, I don’t even know why I feel so comfortable telling you this, but she was a great woman. I worked with her often. I was surprised she gave me a job. I guess she knew I needed it. And she was kind enough to give me a chance.

  “She hated my lifestyle with a passion, but she was very sympathetic. Her compassion was overwhelming. It made me bloom, feel things I never thought possible. So, I started showing up for work more to make her happy and making less appearances with the gang of men that thought love was a stupid, made up word. With each day, I fell more and more in love with her, and after only a few weeks I couldn’t stay away.”

  “Aw.” I smiled. “She must have been really great if she could make you come out of the gang on your own.”

  “Ha. She was, trust me. I loved that woman with a passion. Everything about her made my heart pound. She loved me a lot. She’d work late for me, just so we could spend time together. When my car broke down, she would pick me up for work… but that was the mistake… her coming to my home.”

  His eyes swarmed with emotion as he cleared his throat. “The Union… they’d been watching me. They saw her. I never told them I wanted to drop out because, with my father gone and my mom always working, they were sort of my family—people to keep me company. But when they saw her picking me up, it caused all hell to break loose.” He focused on the wall across from him. “I was doing so good, going to school for her. I wanted to make her proud. I’d always loved music, so I focused on making that my career and was lucky enough to graduate. But… just when I thought everything would get better, it got so much worse.

  “During my graduation night, she was brutally robbed and stabbed. Her life was taken, and I didn’t know it until two days after I graduated.” I gasped sharply, the pieces of his stories all too familiar. My eyes were wide as hell, and the drumming of my heartbeat had come to a cease as I listened to Sterling’s every single word. That story… robbed and stabbed? Three years ago… oh my god.

  He continued, leaving me no window of time to butt in. “I was busy, so busy and moving forward with my life so much that I didn’t even realize The Union had been watching my every move. They… envied me. They didn’t believe in love. They didn’t condone it. They saw I was falling har
d for her, and they—they did something about it.” His voice cracked in the middle of the last sentence. “I was supposed to be vice president of the gang, step up to the plate and soon take over, but I gave the position away. I think doing that made them suspicious.”

  His body shook with silent, painful laughter. “I don’t like to think of her death as what separated us. There were many things that separated us—many things that stood in the way. Honestly, I don’t think we ever would have been together, no matter how hard we loved one another or how much we wanted to be. The first thing that stood in the way was our age difference. She happened to be ten years older than me. The second thing, she had a child. A daughter. And the third and biggest thing, she didn’t want to leave her husband, mainly because he had never wronged her… and because she still loved him.”

  Daughter?

  HUSBAND?!

  Oh my God.

  My palms went clammy and cold, my mouth dry like it’d been stuffed with cotton balls. Sterling was… Holy shit… He was…

  Sterling blew a puff of air that caught my attention again, and luckily for him, his tears didn’t fall. It’d obviously become easier for him to talk about his loss, but his loss was what made me wonder.

  It could have been a coincidence; him being in the same gang that Theo was in. Residing in L.A. where the murder happened and where they used to live. After all, Theo got to love, and from my understanding, he wasn’t as invested in the gang as Sterling was. Maybe they just didn’t care for Theo and saw he could protect himself without them. I couldn’t help but think there were way too many coincidences, all of which petrified me.

  Sterling looked at my pale face, expecting questions, some kind of reaction, but I couldn’t react. I couldn’t do much but stare at him, speechless.

  “Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I know what you’re going through. Not being able to be with a person that is a generation or two ahead of you. Is he married? The girl with the pink rims? What is she to him? Kids?”