by Amara Lynn
We don't have to have the answers to everything.
That may be true. Everything didn't need an answer. Why Chayton wanted to be around me may not need an answer. If I let go and stopped thinking about why, it might be better.
Some things did need answers though. Like, who I really was, what I was. I wanted to know, needed to know. There was someone within my grasp that might just have the answer to the question that had burned within me all my life. With each time I proceeded down this path, kept on trying to get a straight answer out of Falcon, the danger became greater. Raven was already a wanted man, but now was a wanted man for hurting an innocent person.
If I were to let Falcon slip from my fingers though, I might never find the answer.
No matter what, I still wanted to figure out Falcon once and for all. That alone was reason enough to keep being Raven for me. Maybe it would be best to lay low for a while. Not too long. Just long enough for things to die down a bit, for the news and the people and me to calm down, even if only a little.
My schedule was pretty cramped right now with midterms coming up, so I needed to focus on that. Then I'd return my focus to getting Falcon to talk again.
chapter nine
"How do you think you did in your other midterms?" Chayton asked as we walked back from a celebratory dinner in honor of our exams being over.
"They were a cinch."
Of course I'd studied my ass off every waking moment over the past few weeks for them. I was pretty confident going into all my exams. The final lab with Chayton was especially easy. We had learned to work together quite well. Splitting the tasks based on what our strong suits were, we breezed right through it.
"You're that sure, huh?"
"Well, yeah. Don't tell me you didn't spend all this time away from me studying," I said, nudging his shoulder.
Since we'd both been busy studying for midterms, we had to settle for seeing each other in class, a few bites to eat together, and texts here and there. Chem lab was the only class we had together, and we studied for it with each other a couple times, but most of our other subjects were so different that it would have been more of a distraction to study together.
"I did." Chayton squeezed my hand. "But I missed you a lot, too."
My heart sped up a bit. "Did that make it hard to concentrate?"
"Yeah." He smiled at me. "I'm glad it's winter break now."
"Me too."
We arrived at my room and Chayton kissed me. I thought I'd be used to it by now, but no. Even the first few times when I knew it was coming—before I'd told him he didn't need to ask anymore—it sent shivers down my spine.
"Do you want to come in?" I asked, despite how it made my stomach flutter to say that.
"I'd love to," Chayton said with a smile, but it faded quickly. He glanced down. "But I can't. I have somewhere I need to be."
"Oh." My face fell, and my stomach stopped its crazy butterfly jig. "Where's that?"
"I have this volunteer thing I do. I haven't been lately because of midterms, so I need to go today."
Volunteer work seemed like something Chayton would do. He probably went to a soup kitchen, or helped homeless shelters. With how much he always talked about helping people, it didn't surprise me. I was surprised though that he hadn't mentioned it before.
"So, I guess I'll see you later then?"
"Yeah. I'll text you later, okay?" He gave me another quick kiss and squeezed my hand.
"Okay."
I went into my room once he was gone. With nothing to do now, and it officially being winter break, maybe the time was right to bring Raven back out of the woodwork and go hunting for some Falcon. The stress from midterms had me itching to get out. I needed to stretch my wings.
I flew above the clouds until the Bay breeze chilled me through and I had to go down lower again. Once I was close enough, I lit up a few things. This time, I took more notice of my surroundings. Best take caution, so I didn't repeat my mistake.
In following the news, I found out that thankfully the person I had somehow injured before pulled through and was on the way to a full recovery. If they hadn't of made it… I didn't want to think about that.
I was in this for the thrills, and for the low down on Falcon. Not to hurt people. I'd done my mental wrestling with myself over what had happened. I couldn't change what was already in the past, but I could make sure I didn't repeat it.
Soon, the sirens started in. I didn't stop though, wouldn't stop until Falcon came.
"Stop right there, Raven!" Oh, there he was. About time he showed up.
I grinned and turned to face him. "It's been awhile. Did you miss me?"
"You've gone too far!" Falcon said as he rushed at me.
"Have I?" I narrowly avoided him. He was fuming over my accidental murder, more than I'd ever seen him. Maybe I could use that to my advantage.
"This needs to stop." He growled.
If Falcon would give me the answers I wanted, maybe then I would stop. For now, I was going to make the most out of this situation.
"Who's going to stop me? You?"
Falcon replied with a punch, which I avoided, then another, right in my gut. "That's right!"
I grunted. "You're not doing a very good job of it," I said as I flew back. "Does it bother you? That you let someone come to harm?"
"This isn't about me!" Falcon snarled, flying towards me. I moved further away, keeping the distance between us.
"I think it is. When was that person hurt? How do you know it wasn't when you had my wrist? I didn't see where that fireball went, after all."
"You're the one at fault here. Not me!"
I raced towards him and tackled him onto a nearby roof. "Like it or not, you're partially responsible."
"Don't try to shift the blame. Just stop this!" He struggled beneath me, trying to get free. I grabbed his wrists and slammed him down.
"You can end this easily. Just tell me what you are. Where you get your abilities, your wings." I said. "Then maybe I'll stop." I smirked.
"No."
I growled and clenched my hands tighter around his wrists. "Tell me! I want to know."
"Why?" Falcon asked.
"Because I just do. I need to know. I have to know if you're like me."
"I'm not like you," Falcon said, scowling at me.
"Then what are you?"
He started trying to get free again, managing to get one of his wrists out of my grasp. I moved quickly to pin his arm with my foot and whacked him across the face with my now free hand.
"Just tell me! That's all you have to do to end this."
"No, you can end this, Raven!" He stopped struggling. "By making the decision to stop doing this, because it's wrong. You're only going to end up hurting more people. So stop this."
"No!" I smacked him again.
"Please."
"What? You think asking nicely is going to help? Well, think again!" I ground my foot down on his arm. He winced, but didn't make a sound.
"What you're doing is wrong. Please stop, before you hurt someone else. Before it's too late."
I was about to rear back to hit him again, but I paused. "Too late?" I asked out loud without thinking. Wasn't it already too late? I couldn't take back anything I'd done. Raven was already wanted for his crimes.
"If you keep going like this—if you hurt more people—they'll never let you get away. Walk away from this, while you still can."
"You're… asking me to quit being Raven?" He nodded. I thought he wanted to turn me in. At least, he'd acted like he had before now. Why was he telling me to walk away now? I loosened my hold on him and stood. Falcon sat up. Other than that, he made no move to come after me.
"Why should I listen to you?" I asked.
"Because I'm not just asking you to stop for anyone else's sake. I'm asking you for your own."
"My own?"
"Yes. For yours." Falcon stood and brushed himself off. "Don't you have anyone who cares for you? If you get caught and
put in jail, or worse, executed, you'd be hurting them. And whatever bright future you have, it would be snuffed out. I'm giving you a chance the justice system won't."
If Falcon was mysterious to me before, he was a complete enigma now. The way he was talking, it didn't seem very much like a hero. I didn't read many comics, but I was pretty sure that superheroes didn't stop until they had the bad guys behind bars. They didn't fight for a bit and then say, "You know, I can see you're not that bad of a guy. You're just misunderstood. If you promise not to do this again, I'll turn a blind eye and let you go." Heroes weren't supposed to just let villains get away at the end of the day.
Falcon took a step towards me.
"What do you say?" he asked.
He moved another step closer. I punched him in the stomach when he was within arm's reach, then flew off while he was doubled over in pain. I looked back once I was further away to make sure he wasn't following me, then ascended into the clouds.
What the hell was that all about? Why did he suddenly want to save my soul instead of turning me over to the law? What's more, why did I now have this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach?
When I'd come into this, it was out of frustration. I'd held in my anger and frustration with everything, and with Chayton, and it had burst forth from me, catching like a wildfire. It had been thrilling and addictive, and when Falcon was thrown into the mix, there was a new layer of intrigue.
I swooped down and perched on top of the Oakland Bay bridge. Taking a deep breath, I ran my shaky hands through my hair. Falcon was right. I didn't just have to worry about myself anymore. Now I had someone who actually cared about me. If I kept doing this and got caught, I'd probably be looking at life in prison, or even a death sentence. It'd be all over the news, and then Chayton would know the truth whether I wanted him to or not. He'd know I wasn't just some social outcast with a bad attitude; I was an arsonist, a villain.
I didn't want him to find out about me like that.
I sighed and dragged my hands through my hair again, groaning. This had gone on long enough. I never wanted to hurt anyone. All I'd wanted was an answer, some clue as to why I was born like this.
I'm not like you, Falcon had said. What did that mean? It was the closest he'd come to giving me something. If he wasn't what I was, then what was he? What was I? I couldn't believe that after all this time, it was just a coincidence that the hero of the city and the villain who fought him both happened to have a set of wings.
Obviously he didn't have the answer I wanted, so to hell with Falcon. To hell with being Raven. I punched the bridge—shit that hurt—and stood up, flying back towards campus.
chapter ten
With winter break in full swing, the student center, along with most of the campus, was practically deserted. Since neither Chayton or I had any family to go home to, we both chose to remain on campus during the break. It was so quiet without the usual hustle and bustle and ruckus. If it could always be like this, I wouldn't mind it at all.
"Hey," Chayton said, taking a seat beside me.
"Hey." I'd texted him this morning asking if he'd like to meet up. Before that, he hadn't texted me once, which I found odd. Maybe Chayton had been tired last night. I know I was after my tussle with Falcon. Still, I thought he would have texted me goodnight or something.
I watched Chayton as he leaned back in his chair, yawning.
"Busy night?" I asked.
"Yeah." He stretched his arms up and put them behind his head, sighing. "Very busy."
I guess all those homeless people really filed in the shelters around this time of the year. "You want to go somewhere?"
Chayton looked a million miles away for a moment before realizing I'd asked him a question and focusing his attention on me. "Oh. Sure."
"Any place in mind?"
"Wherever you want," he said, staring off into space again.
"Okay then." I stood and started walking, looking back to make sure Chayton wasn't so zoned out that he didn't follow. Was he really that tired?
We meandered along Bancroft for a few blocks, no clear destination on my mind. Chayton didn't speak much, or hold my hand, both of which were concerning to me. I took a seat near a fountain and Chayton did so too.
"What's going on with you?" I stared at him hard and scrutinizing, like if I tried hard enough that I could read his mind.
"Nothing really, just tired," Chayton said without looking at me.
"Just tired? You keep spacing out. What's the deal?"
Chayton sighed and fiddled with his braid. "It's about my volunteer work."
"And?"
"It's complicated. I'd probably bore you with the story," Chayton said, waving it off.
"I'm sure I won't be bored by it, if I'm not tired of you by now," I said, nudging him. "So spit it out."
He sighed. "Okay," Chayton said, glancing at me then back down. "So, there's this person who I've been trying to help. I know he's a good person, but he's gotten himself into some trouble lately, and I'm worried about his well-being."
"What kind of trouble?"
"Mostly minor things. Vandalism, fights, that sort of thing."
"Sounds kind of dangerous," I said. Probably not anywhere near as dangerous as the vandalism and fighting I'd done as Raven, though. "You sure it's safe to be around this guy?"
"Yeah. He's just fine around me." Chayton met my eyes for just a moment, then shifted his gaze ahead. "I think he's just misunderstood. I told him to just walk away from it while he still can. Before he gets in bigger trouble. But I'm not sure if I convinced him."
It felt like I'd been punched in the chest so hard that all the air was knocked out of me. I was suddenly grateful Chayton wasn't looking this way. I probably looked like I'd just seen a ghost. Those words were the same thing Falcon had said to me.
It couldn't be… Could it?
Had Chayton really been Falcon all this time? Did he know I was Raven? My stomach churned, a sudden wave of nausea overwhelming me and threatening to make me empty my stomach right then and there on the concrete. I took a slow, deep breath.
Maybe it was just a coincidence, and Chayton didn't know Raven and me were one in the same. If he didn't know, then I needed to make sure he wouldn't suspect anything. I had to act normal, like nothing was wrong. Just until Chayton wasn't with me.
"I… I hope he listens to you," I said, thankful that my voice didn't come out as shaky as I thought it would.
"I do too." Chayton stood up, already a bit brighter after getting that off his chest. "Should we go grab lunch?"
"Uh, yeah." I got up, surprised my legs didn't give out on me in my current state.
Pretending that everything was fine wasn't going to be easy. I was used to acting "normal" in most circumstances. All through my high school years, I learned to just keep to myself and passed under the radar with most people none the wiser. I'd even acted normal enough to get into college. I'm pretty sure the orphanage thought I wouldn't even go to college, and would instead end up going nowhere in life, resigning myself to a fate of flipping burgers or something. I'd gotten by, but just barely. Everyone who looked at me for more than a second probably saw right through me and just knew I wasn't normal.
But this… this was an entirely different beast. I'd grown accustomed to Chayton. With him, I was myself—at least more myself than I'd ever been around anyone else. Now I had to pretend to be my normal self so he wouldn't realize anything was off.
I had no appetite in the state I was in, so I had to force my burrito down during lunch, hardly even tasting it. I didn't talk much, mostly nodding to everything Chayton said, or saying "Uh-huh" so he'd think I was listening.
When we arrived back at my dorm building, Chayton stopped outside it and eyed me with concern. "Are you okay? You seem off."
"I uh… No. Actually, I started feeling a bit sick," I said, which wasn't exactly a lie. I was feeling sick, but not because I was coming down with something. "I should probably get some rest."
"I'm sorry." Chayton pulled me into a hug. "I hope you feel better then."
"Me too." Though that wasn't likely. I had no idea how I could feel better about this.
"Let me know if you need anything, okay?"
I nodded. As soon as he turned his back, I lost most of my composure. Hurrying up to my room, I closed and locked the door behind me and dragged my hands through my hair.
In the end, Chayton really hadn't been what he seemed. I never imagined something like this though. This was so much worse than finding out he was actually using me somehow or that he was really an awful person who was just pretending to be nice.
Had he said the same thing as Falcon knowing I was Raven? Or was it just a coincidence? How the hell was I supposed to deal with this?
Once it got dark, I left the campus for a fly. I had to get away. I flew long and far, no clear destination in mind, beyond caring if cold air chilled me to the bone. Without even meaning to, I ended up flying over the tea garden. I swooped down and landed on the bridge that I'd once occupied with Chayton. Long past operating hours, the place was dark and deserted. I was trespassing. I didn't care. Not like anyone was here to catch me.
I didn't know what to do. I couldn't look Chayton in the eye without feeling like I'd been stabbed. The simple revelation that he was Falcon changed everything between us. Even though I didn't plan on being Raven anymore, I didn't know if I could continue seeing Chayton. I didn't want to lie to him, yet I didn't think I could bring myself to tell him the whole truth.
Did Chayton actually realize I was Raven? I wasn't sure. How could he know the truth and still want to be with me? Had I sabotaged my chances of actually being happy, by continuing to be Raven out of my own selfish desire to learn more about Falcon? Or was Chayton to blame, for keeping this from me?
Both of us had kept a secret, and now that I realized Chayton's, the veil had been lifted. It wasn't going to work between us. How could it? We'd been lying to each other the whole time.
This couldn't continue.
chapter eleven
I didn't reply to Chayton's texts. Not long after my lack of replies, he called me. I almost didn't answer it. The more I put it off though, the worse things would be.
