Boo Hiss

by Rene Gutteridge

  She spread her arms, as if expecting applause. None came. But Martín could sense that something was about to. He hadn’t made it to the podium when the shouting began.

  “Who do you think you are?”

  “I love the new bookstore!”

  “Coffee comes two ways, lady! Black and not black!”

  “Cell phones cause brain cancer!”

  “We can’t be bought with all the money in the world!”

  “Oh yes we can!”

  Chaos erupted. Martin flew up beside Mrs. Downey, but she didn’t look like she needed the help. Though a bit flustered, she tried to calm the crowd by inserting a few calming words.

  “We’re not here to take over your town, just improve it,” she tried. The crowd never heard her.

  “You shouldn’t be afraid of change. We’re changing you for the better.”

  Again, no one heard her.

  “We’re taking a huge gamble. Shouldn’t you be grateful?” she asked, this time with an annoyance in her tone. It was useless. Everyone had lost their mind.

  “Excuse me,” Martin said to Mrs. Downey. “Let me try.”

  Katelyn stepped aside, whispering, “These people are insane.”

  “You have no idea,” Martin whispered back. He leaned toward the microphone. “People, please. Folks, really. We must calm down. We can talk about this in a civilized manner.” Nobody stopped shouting. Martin sighed, then said in a loud voice into the microphone, “If you don’t calm down, we can’t talk about the snake!”

  Silence. Everyone took their seats again. Martin smiled. “Now, before that, we’re going to let Mrs. Downey finish what she had to say. She won’t be taking questions today, but we’ll have another meeting soon to address all your concerns.” Martin stepped aside and let Katelyn move back to the microphone.

  “Thank you,” she said. “Listen, my friends. There is nothing to fear. Skary is going to become a dream town. It’s already got so many won-derful attributes. It’s warm and cozy. The people are friendly. Main Street is just a dream. And strangely, the entire town seems devoid of rodents. That’s always a plus. Trust me when I say, Skary, Indiana, is going to be hot property very soon.”

  Before anybody could shout, Martin slid up next to Mrs. Downey and said, “All right. Thank you, Mrs. Downey. Very intriguing. I, for one, have to say that I’ve really enjoyed the new bookstore. A bigger selection on easy-to-find aisles. And who doesn’t want their town to be known as ‘hot,’ right?” Martin grinned. Nobody grinned back. “All right, well, let’s get to the second reason we’re here today. As many of you know, we have a snake loose.”

  Katelyn was walking off the stage and he heard her gasp. The rodent mystery was now solved for her.

  “We are lucky enough today to have a snake expert with us.” He watched the mayor shake Leonard’s hand and point him toward the stage. “Leonard Tarffeski is a real-life snake hunter, folks. And he’s here to help us find Bob and Fred.” Martin forced a smile. The crowd seemed genuinely intrigued. All eyes were on Leonard as he stomped onto the stage. There was no doubt: he certainly had a presence about him.

  He tipped his hat to the crowd. The ladies swooned. Martin tried not to roll his eyes but instead extended his hand to Leonard and gave him a polite nod. “Leonard, I’ll turn this over to you.”

  “Thank you, Martin,” Leonard said in his distinct accent. Martin stepped aside, but not far enough away that he couldn’t jump behind the mike again if need be. “Ladies and gentlemen, it has come to my attention that you have a very rare and special kind of snake on the loose. I’d like to help you find it, so you all can sleep at night.”

  Martin glanced at the crowd. They looked eager.

  “So,” Leonard continued, “first of all, Bob and Fred is a rosy boa. Rosy boas are a small breed of boas. They only grow to about three to four feet long, so I can assure you nobody is going to be squeezed to death, though you might want to keep a close eye on your Chihuahuas and Yorkies. Poodles are probably okay, but just to be safe, go ahead and cage all those smaller breeds for now.”

  The crowd started to murmur, but Leonard held up steady and sure hands. “Let me finish, everyone.” The crowd quieted. “Dustin, the snake’s owner, tells me that Bob and Fred have become accustomed to living indoors, and that they enjoy soft, comfortable things such as pillows and blankets, even couch cushions. But knowing snakes like I do, I am more inclined to say that Bob and Fred are probably still quite timid, and if they’re going to appear, it will be at night, and only after they sense the house is quiet. So,” he said in a booming voice that indicated he was about to say something important, “I have a sure way of finding this snake. Everyone must listen carefully, though.”

  The room grew completely silent. Even the heater kicked off.

  “The first thing I want you to do is go and check under every appliance you have, behind every bookshelf, under every sofa. You want to find all the dark corners you can. Check your shoes, your boots, boxes, storage containers. Snakes like to feel as if they’re in a cave, so think like a snake. Where would you hide?”

  “Behind the toilet!” one man offered.

  “It was a rhetorical question, but thank you. Now, I’m expecting that most everyone has already done this.” Most of the crowd nodded.

  “All right. Then we go to phase two, which is the absolute best way to catch a snake. This is what I want you to do this evening. First of all, while it’s still light outside, go around your house and plug any holes or gaps you have. Look around piping, in closets, near your air conditioner or heater, near appliances. And don’t let the smallness fool you. A snake can squeeze through a hole half it’s own diameter.”

  Many people were taking notes.

  “Once you’ve done that, then prepare your house. By that, I mean make sure that your entire house is quiet. Don’t run the dishwasher. Turn off all your clocks. Don’t run a dryer. And if you have pets, go ahead and take them up to bed with you. You’ll want to also make sure your house is very dark. So you’re going to want to turn out even your night-lights, and draw your curtains.”

  Martin grabbed a pen and paper so he could take notes.

  “Now, once you’ve got your house dark and quiet, take a flashlight and a bag of flour. Carefully go through your house and place a line of flour across every doorway. Pay special attention to laundry rooms, pantries, and closets. If you’ve got a washer and dryer in a pantry room, you also might think about getting some plastic bags, like you would get from the grocery store, and stuffing a few behind them. Then sit very still. Wait thirty minutes. If you don’t hear any bags raiding, then you can go on upstairs. Sleep normally. Then, when you wake up in the morning, you’ll be able to see if the snake has come out to play during the night.”

  Martin looked up from his notes. The crowd was silent. Yet, they didn’t look particularly scared, either. It was almost a look of … determination. Maybe the mayor was right. Maybe they felt empowered.

  “So, let’s do this. If you find the snake’s tracks in your house through the flour, meet me tomorrow morning here, at the community center. We’ll be one step closer to catching Bob and Fred and putting all your minds at ease!”

  Martin started clapping, because Leonard looked so desperate for it. A few followed. Martin shook his hand. “Thank you, Leonard. How completely fascinating. I would have never thought to do the flour trick.” He smiled. A few smiled back. Okay, it wasn’t mass hysteria. Martin looked at the mayor. “We’ve got one other thing on the agenda.”

  The mayor stepped back onto the stage and said, “I’ll handle this one, Martin. Thank you.” He raised the mike and looked out at the crowd. “Now folks, this won’t take long, but I need you to pay attention, because we’ve got a real problem. I was informed by the gas company, the electric company, and the water company this week that a vast majority of you are suddenly not paying your bills. When I looked further into this, I discovered that the problem seems to be with our cell phones. Now, I realiz
e many of you got the shock of a lifetime when your first bill came. One resident told me her cell phone bill was nearly three hundred dollars.” A grumbling followed. The mayor held up his hands. “Now, now. Settle down. The solution to all this is that you absolutely must read your contract. You’re charged by the minute, and it also depends on what time of day you’re using your phone, and where in the town you’re actually standing. Apparently if you’re on the west side near Maple, you’re going to be charged a roaming fee as well. So folks, you’re going to have to pay attention to all this. And use some common sense. If you’re at home, and you need to call a neighbor, pick up your house phone and dial the four digits. You’ve saved yourself from dialing three additional numbers and about twenty bucks.”

  Katelyn was standing near Martin and asked, “What does he mean by four digits?”

  Martin whispered, “It’s a small town. We just dial the last four digits of the phone number if we’re calling someone else in Skary.”

  “So that’s it for now, everyone. I love the flour idea, don’t you? Have a wonderful day!”

  Katelyn took Martin’s arm and headed out the back door with him. “I’m going to have to talk to people later about all these changes, Martin. I have an appointment in a few minutes. But I wondered if I could have a moment of your time.”

  “Sure.”

  “I’m interested in that vacant store on Main Street.”

  “Where the hardware store used to be?”

  “That’s right.”

  “We could definitely use another hardware store. We have to go to the next county just to buy some nails.”

  She smiled sweetly. “I have different plans for that property.”

  Martin blinked. As far back as he could remember, it had always contained some sort of hardware store. It had certainly had different owners, but it was always hardware.

  “Not hardware?”

  She shook her head. “No. It’s actually going to be called Come and Play.”

  “Come and play what?”

  “It’s a miniature gym, with bright colors and plastic play stations.”

  “What’s it for?”

  “Children, silly. You join with a monthly membership, and then you come and play with your child.”

  Martin blinked, trying to follow. “You come and play with your child and do what?”

  “Oh, it’s really much more than playing. We’ll have all sorts of different and creative ways to interact with your child. It looks like playing, but what you’re really doing is teaching your child.”

  “People pay for this?”

  “Oh, it’s very popular. Everyone in my affluent suburb loved it. We actually had to turn people away. By the time he was three, my son Willem knew how to ask for nearly anything in Spanish.”

  “I’m sure that’s quite handy in your crowd of people.” Martin said.

  “I’m telling you,” Katelyn said. “This is going to be a hit.”

  Martin couldn’t deny the fact that everything else she’d laid her hands on seemed to turn to gold. She glanced at her watch. “I have to run.” She offered her hand. Martin shook it with great care. “I’ll see you soon, Martin.”

  Martin watched her leave, then decided to go to the grocery store. He needed some flour.

  Ainsley wiped her face with the Kleenex and tried to pull herself together. But with each look in the mirror, her chest would heave and she would be back to square one. She turned and walked into her bedroom. “Good grief!” she whispered harshly to herself. “Get yourself together!”

  Walking quietly into the hallway, she listened carefully. She could hear Melb laughing. That was good. She’d stuck in a video for her so she could have a chance to come upstairs. She had a meeting in ten minutes and she hadn’t even gotten dressed yet!”

  Besides that, she was plagued with guilt. When Melb had refused to eat her broccoli and bagel at lunch, Ainsley had caved and given her Gummi Bears instead.

  “Death by Gummi Bears?” Wolfe had chuckled over the phone.

  Ainsley had hung up on him. He didn’t understand. Nobody understood. She’d never felt so alone, so out of control, and so guilty all at the same time.

  Melb seemed to be sitting on the couch, enjoying the video, and staying out of the kitchen, so Ainsley tiptoed back into the bathroom. She had to do more than get dressed. She actually had to look professional. This woman … Katelyn … as pulled together as they come, expected a woman equally as pulled together. Once upon a time, this didn’t seem so hard. Just a few months ago she was the next Martha Stewart. Now she was just a bad version of herself.

  Katelyn had gushed about her reputation, and so far she’d only been seen in her bathrobe. If she didn’t hurry, this time she’d be in her pajamas with splotchy, sticky skin.

  She pulled on a T-shirt and then a brightly colored cardigan. She decided on her dark khakis and brown flats. Wolfe had bought her a nice, soft leather briefcase for her birthday, so that should finish off her look.

  Now, what to do with the hair? Katelyn’s was perfect. Not a strand out of place. Held back from her face with a leather headband as if to expose the flawless skin that showed every touch of color like a painter’s palette. Ainsley decided to try a little colored lip gloss. She glided it over her lips, and next thing she knew, the mascara wand was in her hand.

  The careful artistry of stroking her lashes was interrupted by “Ainsley!”

  The wand fell down her cheek and onto her sweater, leaving black skid marks. Ainsley’s mouth dropped open. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to—

  “Ainsley!”

  Ainsley swallowed back her tears and walked out of her bedroom. At the top of the stairs she called, “Yes, Melb?” Her voice wobbled, but Melb wouldn’t notice.

  “This is so funny! I just had to tell you that. This is absolutely hysterical!”

  “Oh. Good.” Ainsley turned back to her room, looked at the clock, and stripped. Okay, she might have to go with a frumpier sweater. She pulled on a color-blocked number, which did not go with the khakis. She changed to black pants and black boots, which required black socks. Rushing back into the bathroom, she scrubbed her face raw, but the mascara was still barely visible.

  “Foundation.”

  She fumbled through her drawers, trying to find the one bottle she owned. “There!” She opened it up, spilled some onto her fingers, and first started rubbing into the half of her face that had fallen victim to the mascara. It had been a long time since she’d worn foundation, but she was pretty sure it was just a matter of blending.

  The doorbell rang. Ainsley turned. “The baby-sitter,” she breathed. “Okay. Okay. Okay.” She rinsed her hands and kept the bottle on the counter so she could finish up. She raced past the living room, where Melb seemed oblivious as she stared at the television and roared with laughter.

  She opened the front door. Amber, the fifteen-year-old daughter of one of the church members, stood smacking her gum.

  “Hi Amber,” Ainsley said.

  “Hi. How much do you pay?”

  “Well, why don’t you come in and we’ll talk about this?” Ainsley led her to the kitchen. “What do you charge, Amber?”

  “I’ve never baby-sat an adult.”

  “Well, how about I pay you twenty bucks?”

  “For an hour and a half?”

  “Not enough?”

  Amber paused then said, “Yeah, I guess that’ll be okay. What do I have to do?”

  “Basically just keep her happy and comfortable. She’s going to want cookies and candy, but under no circumstance should you give them to her. A couple of crackers should be fine, and she can have one glass of juice, but no more, or she’ll have to get up and go to the bathroom.”

  Amber glanced toward the living room with a bit of fear in her eyes.

  “In case of an emergency, be sure to call the sheriff, okay? But if you need to get ahold of me, I’ll be at the deli.”

  “Which one?”

&n
bsp; “There are two?”

  “There’s a new one, just opened yesterday.”

  “Oh. Well, I’m going to be at the one on the corner.”

  Amber nodded, her arms still loosely crossed in front of her belly. She was giving Ainsley some odd looks, but what more could she do? It was a last resort. She knew one thing, she couldn’t possibly leave Melb here alone.

  Amber said, “So it’s okay that she watches television?”

  “Yeah, sure. Just keep putting in videos if you have to. I need to run upstairs and get my stuff. Do you have any questions?” Amber shook her head.

  “Okay.” Ainsley hurried upstairs, grabbed her briefcase, and decided she was just going to have to wear a ponytail. She quickly brushed her hair and secured it to the back of her head. Gathering up the papers and recipe books scattered across her bed, she threw them into her briefcase, then zipped it up and ran to the door. Stopping just short of the hallway, breathing hard, she felt like she was forgetting something. She closed her eyes, trying to remember. Recipe books. Grocery list. Idea list. Decorating list. Her heart pounded inside her chest. The ticking of the hallway clock brought her eyes wide open.

  “Oh!”

  She was already five minutes late, and she hadn’t even made it out the door yet. Scrambling downstairs, she yelled a good-bye and ran out the front door. “Please don’t leave, please don’t leave, please don’t leave,” she murmured. Her goals were much less lofty now. She just wanted to get there before the very pulled-together woman left.

  Katelyn drummed her fingers against the paper that was spread where a tablecloth would normally be. She’d expected a waiter to at least come by and write his name out in crayon, but there were no waiters at this deli. Just paper tablecloths and only eight sandwiches, five of which contained meat products that Katelyn refused to eat. She’d ordered a side salad and a tea.

  Checking her watch again, she wondered what everyone thought was so special about this Ainsley Boone. She’d come highly recommended by all the townspeople, but so far she hadn’t impressed Katelyn one tiny bit.

  Maybe there was a small-town hierarchy that Katelyn was going to have to familiarize herself with. From what she could tell, it was apparently important to be related in some way to the sheriff, who didn’t appear to wield any special power, but had a mighty big presence nevertheless. It probably also didn’t hurt to be married to the likes of Wolfe Boone, admittedly a handsome fellow, though Katelyn hadn’t seen him do much more than wander the streets and drink coffee.