by M Dauphin
All alone.
We make it to the restaurant and I cringe. Seafood. The only thing in the history of all the foods that I can’t stand to smell, but Ava doesn’t know that so it’s not like she could have stopped it.
“Right this way,” the hostess says, bored out of her mind.
I can do this. I can sit in a seafood restaurant. Just don’t make eye contact with anything on the pl—
“Woah, look at that,” Ava croons as a waiter walks by with a plate full of squid. A fucking squid, staring me directly in the eyes.
“Oh God, I can’t do this,” I mumble, racing out of the restaurant.
The minute I hit fresh air I can finally breathe again. Each breath fills me with a new, clean scent and not that horrible fish smell that was making my stomach roll.
“Hey babe, you okay?” I hear Ava say. My eyes are closed and I’m focusing on breathing before I hurl on the patrons waiting on the sidewalk.
“Yea, hormones getting to me. I’ve heard this whole morning sickness thing is bad and the whole sense of smell being superhero level, but I can’t do that in there.” I wave my arm and open my eyes to Ava standing next to me with a very confused Marcus Deiglemann standing next to her.
“Hormones?” His face contorts. “Morning sickness… hormones… super-smell… Nor, are you pregnant?” His eyes light up when he sees my reaction and he pulls me in for a hug. “Oh my God, Nora! Congratulations!”
“Shh, Jesus keep it down,” I hiss, looking around to see if anyone I know is nearby. I haven’t told my family yet. “I can’t walk back in there, guys. I’m sorry. If you want to eat go right ahead, I can Uber it home.”
“Fuck no, we aren’t leaving you high and dry after this news! Where do you want to eat? My treat.”
I grin at Ava and she laughs.
“Pancakes,” we both say together.
“IHop it is!”
The car ride there is silent. Awkward silent. I feel like I should defend myself, but honestly there’s nothing to defend. I got pregnant. Shit happens.
“So Nora, how have you been lately?” Deig smiles at me from across the booth.
“Oh knock it off, Marcus. Just ask what you want to ask,” Ava says, taking a drink of her water. He chuckles and shakes his head.
“Well then,” he says, shifting in his seat. “How far along are you?”
“A few months,” I answer.
“Does he know?”
“How would he?” I furrow my brows at him. “And no. You’re not allowed to tell him. I don’t even know if you have contact with him, Marcus, but if you do and you’re holding out on me, you’re not fucking allowed to tell him. Do you understand me?” I growl.
“But it’s his kid, right?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re certain?”
“So fucking positive.”
“So he deserves to know.”
“I deserved not to be walked out on,” I hiss. “If and when he comes back, it won’t be because he feels like it’s the ‘right thing to do for a kid’. It will be because he’s realized how fucking stupid he’s being.”
Marcus nods and looks at the table.
“I don’t have contact directly with him, Nora. Apparently someone around here does because I had the note delivered to my door last week saying that he’s safe, but that’s all I know. I haven’t heard anything else about charges, or the cops, or anything and I don’t know where he is. I can tell you this, though; whatever made him leave must have really spooked him. This isn’t like Max.”
“Yea, well I don’t really know the real him so who am I to say what’s really like him?”
We sit in silence until the waitress comes and the rest of dinner consists of small talk. I know he doesn’t agree with me not telling Max, but I don’t even have a way of telling him if I wanted to! The man is completely gone from our lives, and I need to accept it.
“I’m going to bring him back, Nora,” Deig states firmly as we drive home that night. “He can’t stay away from his home forever.”
“Marcus, he doesn’t need to go to jail. Plus, if he wanted to really be here, he would.” I roll my eyes and look out the window at the houses passing by. It’s starting to cool off finally; this year is bringing on an Indian summer like no other. Thanksgiving is soon and I’m ready to finally tell my parents about this little nugget.
“He needs to be here, Nora,” he growls.
“Babe, drop it. Obviously he was scared when he ran, he isn’t going to come back to a dangerous situation.”
“We’ll see about that,” he huffs.
I watch Ava reach across the console and take Deig’s hand in hers, giving him a gentle smile and jealousy grows inside me.
That should be Max and me right now.
December
As I sit here and stare at the diamond ring I bought months ago, I wonder how this all happened. Hiding in Colorado from something that I’m not even certain anymore is a threat and not being able to be with my girl is the worst feeling ever.
Not having any connections with the outside world is the second worst.
I bet she fucking hates me by now, and for good reason. I just hope she understands why I did it.
I couldn’t ruin her.
This tiny apartment is just big enough for a bed, kitchen, and bathroom. I paid in cash when I arrived for at least six months, but pretty soon I’m going to need to find more money or it’s on to the next place for me.
I’ve had no contact with anyone back home since I left. The note I had sent to Deig was just to calm his fears that I was dead, but nothing ever since. I want nothing to do with them just in case the cops find me here. They won’t go down with me. That text I got that night spooked me and sent a fear to my bones I never knew possible. I’m not a man to scare easily, but when you threaten the people I love it seems I lose my mind a little.
And so here I sit, the ring weighing heavily in my pocket day in and day out. I still remember asking her father for his blessing in Chicago. He was so proud and almost brought to the point of tears when I showed him the ring. I was so worried he was going to tell me no, but when he hugged me and told me to take care of his little girl I had an overwhelming sense of pride run through me.
Now look at me. Ha!
This entire situation is fucked up. I wish I could go back to town, wrap my arms around her and never leave… but if there’s a warrant out for my arrest then I sure as shit ain’t stepping back on that town’s dirt.
I sigh and lay back in bed, shoving the tiny black box back in my pocket, before rolling over and grabbing my laptop. Pulling up the website for the town, I scour it for updates on the case. There have been zero police reports, zero news stories about it. It’s like it’s a silent case or something. The media wants to hide it because no one wants to hear about a local college kid smashing his head wide open on the sidewalk on campus.
Whatever the meaning behind all this is, I’m getting antsy here and the worry grows daily that if I ever get back to her she’s going to hate me.
I pray that’s not the case.
My email dings and I furrow my brows at my laptop. Weird. No one knows this email…
I open it and stare at the screen.
[email protected] writes:
I know you’ll read this. I did some digging. You’re going to need to come home, Max, from wherever you are. We have a very cocky, preppy, ass to kick.
Hard.
Call me.
I read the email over and over and still don’t believe what I’m reading. I want to call him but I don’t have a phone, so I send a reply immediately.
Deig,
What the hell are you talking about? No phone.
Within five minutes a new email dings in.
Dude you just need to call me.
My heart’s beating out of my chest.
I grab the cash from my drawer and head straight for the store, buying the first phone I find and calling Deig as soon as I can.
/> “What the fuck, Holzer,” he growls.
“I know. Save it. Tell me everything.”
“Dude,” I hear his voice, low and angry, then some noises before be comes back to the line. “Nick set it all up. I’ve talked around town to some of the boys. One of them never got his money so he’s pissed and ratted him out. Nick paid the boys to scare you out of town. Nick called the cops to the apartment that night to freak you out. He’s been hanging around the store more and more… Max he fucking ran you out of town so he could have the girl, don’t you see it?! He made you spill your guts to Nora, lord knows whether or not he knew anything but he obviously didn’t know enough to get the police’s interest so he used his money and paid off everyone we knew.”
I growl and kick the wall I’m standing by.
“Max, the official autopsy mentioned he was whacked out on Meth. It wasn’t even your shit, dude.”
“Are you serious?” I growl, fist tight at my side.
“He fucked you, Max.”
“How the hell do you know this?”
“Well my best friend up and left me without any word so I’ve had to make friends elsewhere in town. I cozied up to a cop and learned all I need to know about the case. Then I did some digging in our old stomping grounds and it didn’t take long, really. Not sure why I didn’t do this before, I guess I was a bit scared too.”
“Holy shit,” I whisper. “Have you told Nora?”
“Uh,” he sighs. “You need to get home to her, Max. I’ll let you tell her. You guys… you have a lot to talk about.”
“Why? What’s wrong with her? Is she ok? I thought you were keeping an eye out on her!” I bark, my heart speeding up. If something happened to her in my absence I’ll never forgive myself.
“She’s fine, man. Just…” he sighs. “Just get home, ok? She needs you now more than ever. We all do.”
“First things first, Deig. I’m going to murder Nick.” I end the call and head straight for a cab.
It’s time to get my life back.
As I pace the sidewalk, the words keep ringing in my head.
They weren’t my drugs. I didn’t kill anyone.
I can’t fucking believe he would do something like that! I knew I didn’t like that shady fucker, but paying people off to make it look like I was going to be fucked by the police is something that deserves a massive beat down.
There’s rage boiling over as I head to the bus station. Rage and… sadness. Utter sadness.
Had I not been so quick to react, so quick to run, something I never do, this all could have been avoided.
Love makes you do crazy things.
Oh come on baby, one more kick!
People say this is too early to feel it, but I swear I just felt this little nugget kick in there. I’ll be nineteen weeks tomorrow. One more week and I’ll be able to know what the sex is!
When I told my grandma a few weeks ago I was so afraid I was going to give her a heart attack. Then she asked about Max and I didn’t have the heart to tell her he left me so I did the next best thing. I lied. I told her he had to be away on business for a while but he’s doing good.
I told my dad the truth, that Max was gone, when I called to tell him the news. I asked him not to worry Grandma about it, but he deserved to know. I told him the truth simply because I've learned growing up that lying to my father is never an option. He always finds out. When he asked why Max would have run, my only answer was that he had some pot he was trying to get rid of and freaked. I didn’t want to give my dad the entire truth, simply because I still love Max and if my dad hated him for everything he did I’m not sure I could get over it. I’m certain my dad saw right through it; what cop wouldn’t have? He didn’t say much about it after that. I saw his eyes flick to my ring finger a few times at Thanksgiving dinner before clenching his jaw and quieting his worries that I’m single and pregnant. I reassured them I can do it, and I can. That’s not a lie.
Ever since, they’ve all been calling daily, sending care packages, and wanting to know everything about the pregnancy. It’s nice to have someone else to talk to other than Ava. There are times I think she stays at Deig’s just to get away from me.
“You sure you don’t want to come to the party with us?” Ava smiles at me from the doorway of the apartment as she throws her coat on. It’s the Christmas party at the bakery that Deig’s business is contracted with and they’re all going to be there. Well, all of them but Max.
I asked him once how Max was still working for them but didn’t get much of a response other than his shit’s getting done. I don’t know what that meant, but the attitude that rolled off of him when I asked was enough to make me not ask again.
“I’m really okay. These pajamas are super comfortable,” I grin. “Plus this movie is really… really good,” I say, staring back at the TV.
“It’s the Grinch,” she says, narrowing her eyes at me.
“I’m tired, Ava. You go, have fun for me. I can’t.” I look at her with sad eyes but I don’t want her pity party again.
Tomorrow is Christmas, yes. Tomorrow should be a happy day, yes.
Tomorrow is also the day I found my mom dead in our house almost twenty years ago. Tomorrow is never a good day for me.
Add in the whole ‘pining after someone you can’t have’ bit and I’m just a big pot of self fucking pity tonight.
Am I mad at him still? Absolutely.
Do I think he made the right choice in leaving and keeping us out of it? I don’t know. I want to say no, that he should have stayed and fought, but I don’t know how much I believe that. Maybe he did make the right choice. With him gone the cops probably had to close the case and call it for what it was, a teenager too high and dumb to realize what he was doing when he jumped off the building. With him gone, I know he’s safe somewhere and not rotting in jail.
Do I miss him? Every second of every day. I don’t want to, but I do. So bad.
Do I want him back? Absolutely.
I groan and get out of bed, craving an entire jar of pickles. Oooh, pickles wrapped with cream cheese and sliced turkey. Sweet Jesus I need to go to the store.
Walking by the mirror I catch a glimpse of myself and stare at the girl looking back at me.
She’s fucking pitiful. When did I turn into the girl that hated her life because of a guy? I fell hard for him, and maybe it’s the hormones in my system, but coming back from Max seems damn near impossible. I’ve never been in love, but now that I am it’s goddamned hard to not love him, even as much as I hate him for leaving me.
Leaving us.
I huff and look at my baggy clothes. Maybe I need to start flaunting the bump. It’s definitely showing, a tiny little protrusion that you can’t miss when I have on form-fitting clothes. I know soon I’ll have to start buying maternity wear, but I’m holding out on that.
I grab a pair of yoga pants and a tank, slipping on a fitted tee before throwing on a coat and heading to the car. The grocery store tonight is packed, but thank God they have my necessities or I’d have to rage.
By the time I get home I’m burning up from the damn coat and ready to devour this snack.
I’m halfway through my plate of pickle wraps when there’s a knock on the door. I pick up my next pickle, still chewing the one I just shoved in my mouth, and head to the door, swinging it open before even checking to see who’s on the other side.
Call me a daredevil.
When I’m met with the smile of the man that haunts my dreams at night, I drop the pickle and am stunned speechless.
Holy shit.
“Hey,” he says, grinning.
“I… you…” I stammer. “Fuck you!” I slam the door in his face and stomp back to my pickles.
He knocks again and I roll my eyes this time carrying the entire plate with me. I’m trying not to think about him being here. I’m trying to enjoy these pickles I worked so hard to get.
He’s back, Nora. He’s here and he’s back. Put the fucking pickles down.
No! Fuck off, inner self.
I swing the door open and my heart goes pitter-patter.
Or is that the baby?
Either way, my body still reacts to him after all this time and I can’t say I hate it.
“You want me to hold those so you don’t break the plate?” He raises an eyebrow at me and smiles, melting the panties and all.
Fucker.
“Where the fuck were you?” I growl, then take a bite of my pickle.
He looks at the plate then his eyes flick to my stomach and I watch his face fall. I grin, enjoying the hurt on his face a little too much.
“Nora,” he whispers, his eyes finding mine again. “Holy shit, Nora.”
I quirk an eyebrow at him and take another bite, grinning as I chew.
“Something you need to say, Maxwell?”
The more I watch his reaction the less cocky I feel. I was on top of the world, pickle wraps and cute boy on my doorstep. It’s taken me this long to realize the gravity of what’s actually happening.
Max is fucking back.
Max is slowly realizing I’m pregnant with his baby.
My Max came back for me.
“Oh shit,” I whisper, feeling the tears threaten. I run inside the apartment and put the plate on the table as I feel the first tear slip from my eyes. Damn you! I need to be a strong, independent woman that doesn’t need a man!
When his arms go around me, I spin and immediately feel at home.
God I’ve missed this. He holds me while I cry into his shirt. He doesn’t let go when I stop crying. He doesn’t let go when the phone on the counter buzzes.
He won’t let go.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Nora,” he finally whispers, breaking the silence.
I pull away from him and look him in the eyes, sadness lacing his features.
“I know,” is all I can manage.
