Extensive (A Single Dad Box Set)

by Claire Adams

  Chapter 31

  Ryan

  Alissa leaving made my heart sink and put a lump in my throat that I couldn’t seem to choke down. This was supposed to be an amazing Fourth of July with her and Kayla in my arms as the fireworks went off over our heads. Yet again, though, I was standing in my house, being blocked in every direction by my ex-wife. I felt terrible that Alissa left, especially after everything that she had done that day. But because it was Kayla’s birthday, I couldn’t break my little girl’s heart and kick her mom out, not after how excited she got when Christina showed up at the front door. In the end, it was better for Alissa to go and spare her any further heartache since my ex-wife seemed to have other motives. I turned toward her angrily and stared as she looked around the room, noticing the changes.

  “We will not talk about this in front of Kayla,” I said firmly. “I don’t need you getting her hopes up about anything. We’ll talk more after the fireworks are over and she is asleep in her bed.”

  “Thank you, Ryan,” she said, stepping forward. “Thank you for being willing to hear me out.”

  “Let me make something very clear,” I said angrily. “I am only willing to hear you out because it’s Kayla’s birthday, and I don’t want to ruin it by sending you packing right now. Yet again, you have ruined another day for me, but it’s not my day. It’s hers. Now go upstairs and get your daughter so we can get this over with. I don’t want you lingering here any longer than you have to.”

  Christina nodded and walked up the stairs, her hands clasped in front of her. I was so angry that I didn’t even know what to do, and I couldn’t believe that she had the nerve to walk in my home and tell me she wanted me back, and in front of company no less. She really felt like she had no limits or boundaries, as if she had forgotten we were already divorced.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent Alissa a text, apologizing again and telling her I would call her later in the evening. I didn’t expect her to text me back, and I felt completely terrible for doing this to her. She deserved so much better. While I was forced to sit in the yard with Christina, she would be driving home alone during the fireworks, her favorite part of the holiday. Minute by minute, it became harder and harder to let Christina stay at the house, especially knowing she was trying to weasel her way back into our lives.

  When she walked into the house, I was shocked as to how I felt about her. I no longer saw her as beautiful, I no longer longed for her, and my heart didn’t even miss a beat. Instead, I felt disgusted by her presence and angry as hell that she would barge into my life like that. All I wanted to do was let Alissa loose on her, but I couldn’t, not with Kayla there. I knew that Alissa would have felt the same way. I couldn’t even start to imagine what it must have felt like for her to stand there and listen to my ex-wife tell me she wanted to get back together with me. I wasn’t even the other person, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I hated everything about hurting Alissa again, especially since I promised that I would never let the shadow of my ex-wife get in the way of us ever again.

  I could hear Kayla upstairs, laughing and talking, so excited that her mom had come to visit her on her birthday. I couldn’t blame Kayla, but her reaction toward her mother and the dismissal of Alissa had gotten Alissa right in the heart, and rightfully so. It was a very confusing situation, and I realized that I was not at all ready or equipped to handle it. I didn’t want to talk to Christina after the fireworks, but I had told her I would, and I didn’t want Christina making a scene and alerting Kayla that there was anything out of the ordinary. Christina knew how to play at my heartstrings and that was through our daughter. I also knew that she had shown before she didn’t care about her at all, making it hard to believe that she suddenly had some crazy change of heart. I sighed and walked to the bottom of the staircase.

  “Come on, Kayla,” I yelled up to her. “Grab your blanket. The fireworks are getting ready to start.”

  “Okay, Daddy, we’re coming,” she yelled back happily.

  The three of us walked outside into the yard like we had so many years before. Only this time, I wanted to be as far away from Christina as I could get. She and Kayla sat on the blanket, and I pulled up a chair, leaning back and trying to clear my mind. I watched as Kayla snuggled into her mother, and though Christina was not super loving, she kissed her forehead and watched the light show over our heads. When it was over, I put the chair back and turned to Kayla.

  “Okay, birthday girl,” I said. “It’s time for bed.”

  “Will both of you tuck me in?”

  “I think I am going to leave this one to your mom for tonight,” I said.

  “Okay,” she said, coming over and kissing me on the cheek before taking her mom’s hand and pulling her into the house.

  I stood out in the yard, staring up at Kayla’s window, watching as Christina read her a short story and tucked her into bed, closing the door as she left. I took in a deep breath and walked inside, knowing that it was time for that talk. By the time I got inside, Christina was standing in the living room, looking up at the shelves and pictures on the walls.

  “You redecorated everything,” she said, staring at the wall where her favorite painting used to be. “It’s very normal.”

  I ignored her snotty comment and took a deep breath, sitting down in the chair next to the couch. She flicked her fingers at the throw hanging over the edge of the new couch with a holier than thou look on her face. I ignored it, knowing it was her trying to be catty and letting me know she didn’t approve, which I didn’t give two fucks about.

  “Why now?” I asked.

  “I had to get myself together,” she said. “I just can’t stand being away from you guys any longer.”

  I stared over at her in disbelief, not knowing what the hell she expected me to do. She was using Kayla as leverage. I knew that, but it didn’t take away from the fact that she was again, controlling my life and our daughter’s. Unfortunately, I was put in a position where I could be looked at as either the bad guy or father of the year.

  “I know that I made a huge mistake leaving you, Ryan,” she said, sitting down and leaning forward. “I have thought about you every day since I left, but I knew that I couldn’t come back until I had fixed what was going on with me. It wasn’t an easy choice, but I couldn’t be the mother to Kayla and the wife to you that you both deserved unless I did something about what was going on in my head. You were an amazing husband, and I miss our life so very much.”

  “Well, as you can see, there isn’t much left of that life, just a hollowed out and re-done structure,” I said bitterly.

  “I know you are angry with me, and I understand, but please try to hear what I am saying,” she pleaded. “I made one of the biggest mistakes that a person could make in this life, and I want to have the chance to fix that.”

  “So, you think barging back into my life when the drama has settled and you don’t have to deal with the broken hearts anymore was the perfect time to do it? I don’t know, Christina. That doesn’t make me think you’ve changed at all. Just the same old selfish Christina that left her family and shirked her responsibilities. You have no idea what it was like to go through that. You put your daughter, an innocent little girl, through hell and back. The only reason she doesn’t tell you to leave is because she doesn’t understand that you didn’t give a shit about her when you left.”

  “You know that’s not true,” she said calmly, taking my hostility. “Come on, Ryan. I know you are angry. You have every right to be, but you know I love that little girl.”

  “I used to think you did,” I said, shaking my head. “But how can you love someone and just screw them over the way you did? And with my best friend? Even Kayla picked up on the fact that you left with Dale, and I tried to shield her as much as I could from everything going on.”

  “I’m trying to make it right,” she said. “It would be so good for Kayla for us to be a family again. You can’t deny that.”

  “I don’t kno
w,” I said, taking in a deep breath.

  I was completely torn, sitting in that chair, staring over at Christina, who had done it again, made a grand entrance and weaseled her way back into my head. I didn’t want to be with her in any way. I wanted Alissa. But I couldn’t sit there and deny the fact that it would be good for Kayla to have her mother back under the same roof. How was I supposed to just pick up all of that hatred, anger, and broken trust and sweep it under the rug? I knew that if I made that decision, it would strictly be for Kayla, and I would never trust Christina again. I also knew if I made that decision, it would be the end of Alissa and me, and that was almost too heartbreaking to think about. I loved Alissa with all of my heart, and we made such an amazing team with Kayla by our side. Still, I couldn’t lie and say that if it were Kayla’s decision, she would pick Alissa. I knew better than that.

  “Look, it’s late,” I said, rubbing my face with my hands. “I can’t have this conversation anymore tonight with you. It’s just going to go in circles. I need some time to think about all of this. Where are you staying?”

  “I don’t have a place right now,” she said. “I thought maybe I could stay in the guest room.”

  “No.” I chuckled. “That would be incredibly confusing for Kayla in the morning. She doesn’t need any more confusion, and I don’t want to give her the wrong idea. I’ll call the Weston and get you a room for a few days until we can figure all of this out. I’ll call you tomorrow, and we can go from there.”

  “That is more than fair,” she said, standing up and grabbing her purse. “Thank you again for hearing me out. I really hope that we can reach a good place with all of this, but I know it will take some time.”

  “I haven’t said yes to anything,” I said, opening the door and watching her walk out.

  I shut the door and leaned against it, realizing that I was just put in the hardest spot I had ever been in. I had to decide between my happiness and the happiness of my little girl, and it was not simple in any way at all. I wasn’t ready to give up on Alissa. I loved her too much.

  Chapter 32

  Alissa

  What a damn Fourth of July. It had started out so perfectly, and now, I was walking into my house, listening to the fireworks going off around me, and wondering what the hell had just happened. I went straight inside and jumped in the shower, trying to calm my aching heart. It was almost too much to bear, thinking about the fact that I just left Ryan’s ex-wife alone with him in the house, and after she made her intentions very clear. Being jealous wasn’t going to help anything, though, and the last thing I wanted to do was get in the middle of that. When I got out of the shower, Ryan was calling, so I took a deep breath and answered.

  “Hey,” I said kindly. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” He sighed. “I’m so sorry that all of that happened with you there. The last thing I wanted was for our Fourth to be ruined by Christina. The fireworks sucked without you by my side.”

  “I know,” I replied. “But I couldn’t stay there with that situation. It was too much.”

  “I understand,” he said with sadness in his voice.

  “Did you two talk?”

  “Yeah,” he groaned. “I don’t know what to think about anything anymore. I don’t love her, you have to know that, but she has now put me in another impossible situation with my little girl. I am the bad guy to Kayla if I don’t agree to this, and I am the bad guy to you if I do.”

  “You need to take me out of the equation,” I said. “You can’t make a decision on your and Kayla’s future based on your feelings for me.”

  “Why can’t I?” he asked angrily. “You were my future until an hour ago.”

  “Look,” I said. “Stop worrying about making any immediate decisions. This is on your time, not hers. Text me tomorrow, and try to get some sleep.”

  “All right,” he said. “Have sweet dreams.”

  “You too,” I replied, hanging up the phone.

  When I was done in the bathroom, I went back to the kitchen, made a hot cup of tea, and called my sister, needing someone to talk to. When I heard her voice, I wanted to burst into tears, but I knew that wouldn’t solve anything. She was still awake, just getting home from watching the fireworks with Mom.

  “You’re home?” she asked, surprised. “I figured you would crash at Ryan’s.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s kind of hard to when your boyfriend’s ex-wife shows up at the house, begging for another chance,” I said bitterly.

  “Wait, what? Christina came there?”

  “Yeah, right before the fireworks.” I sighed. “And she wants to come back home.”

  “Oh, God, Alissa, I’m so sorry,” she gasped. “I mean Ryan put her in her place, right?”

  “Not exactly,” I said, walking into the living room and sitting down. “He didn’t want to upset Kayla on her birthday, so he let her stay. He had a talk with her, and when he called me a few minutes ago, he didn’t sound as sure as I hoped he would.”

  “No, no, no,” Bella said angrily. “That woman is a bad person. She doesn’t deserve to be anywhere around them. You put your foot down, right? I mean, you told Ryan that he was supposed to be with you, not her, right?”

  “Bella, it’s not that simple.” I sighed. “As much as I love Ryan, I love Kayla, too, and that little girl will never choose me over her mother, nor should she have to be forced to make that choice.”

  “She is eight, Alissa,” Bella said. “She doesn’t understand any of that.”

  “I know.” I sighed. “I’m just afraid that I am destroying a chance for a family to come back together, for a girl to have her mother back.”

  When I was a little girl, growing up without my father was extremely painful. There were times as a child I just wanted to be with my daddy, to feel his arms around me and to hear his comforting voice. It was so extremely painful when I couldn’t just walk into the other room and find him there. My mother did the best she could to help me understand, which I did as an adult, but it was really hard as a child, and it affected me on many levels. Divorce was really taxing on a child, and it never made any sense to them. I mean, how could it? To a child, love is easy. You just give it and take it in return. The people that are closest to you in your life don’t hold back from loving you, at least not normally. In Kayla’s case, her mother did hold back, but if she started new with them, Kayla wouldn’t even remember it when she got older.

  I truly felt that when you loved someone, you were supposed to make decisions based on what was best for them. You were supposed to protect them and be there for them, even if it meant that you yourself weren’t able to reap the benefits of it. I would never in a million years do anything for Christina, but I would try to make the choices that I thought were best for Kayla. I would give anything if I could make sure that Kayla didn’t feel even a second of what it felt like when I was a child yearning for my father. She had already felt too much at such a young age, and I didn’t want her to continue to go through that, especially if I had a say in the situation. This was a huge thing for me, and I was really torn on which way to lean.

  “You know what it was like when Dad and Mom divorced,” I said. “You saw me go through childhood yearning for him.”

  “Yes, but you didn’t know that it was really bad for you,” she said.

  “Would that have mattered?” I asked. “Would that have taken away the pain or made it any harder to go through my adolescence without my dad there to share it with? I know you didn’t have as hard of a time as I did. But thoughts of that hurt are very vivid in my mind when I think back on growing up. I may not have realized he was a scumbag, but even knowing now doesn’t take away the wish that I could have figured that out on my own and grown up with him close.”

  “Alissa, you are being way too sensitive about this,” Bella said. “You can’t apply your situation with Dad to this one.”

  “Why not? Isn’t it the same? The biggest difference is Dad didn’t come back and want to be part of our
lives, so we didn’t have a choice in the matter. I can’t be the woman that stands in Kayla’s way. I couldn’t live with that choice.”

  “So that’s it?” she asked angrily. “You are just going to walk away from this man and his daughter? The two people that you love more than anyone you have loved your entire life. You are going to let Christina win.”

  “This isn’t about her,” I said angrily in return. “This isn’t about winning or losing for us. The only person that truly wins or loses here is Kayla. I’m sure Ryan won’t be the only man that I fall in love with, but Christina will be her only mother.”

  “That’s not true,” Bella replied. “One, he may be the one, and you are walking away, and two, there is no reason Christina can’t be a mother from outside of that house. Kayla will be happy either way.”

  “I’ve made up my mind,” I said resolutely.

  “Well, you are an idiot, Alissa, and you are throwing away something really good for a really bad reason,” she said.

  I got off the phone with Bella and took a deep breath, knowing that I needed to call Ryan right then, or I would second guess myself. I dialed his number and sat there, my hands shaking in my lap. At first, he didn’t answer, but as soon as I put the phone down, it started to ring.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey,” he said. “Sorry, I was checking on Kayla. You okay?”

  “Yeah.” I sighed. “I’ve just been thinking about everything.”

  “Me too,” he said. “I can’t sleep. This is an impossible situation.”

  “I don’t think it is,” I replied.

  “What?”

  “Look, Ryan, I love you very much, you know that,” I said holding my breath. “And I love Kayla even more than I ever thought I could love a child. It’s my opinion that I think you should give it a try again with Christina, if for nothing more than Kayla and your peace of mind that you did everything you could.”