Divided Loyalties

by Patricia Scanlan

  ‘I can say what I want, Noel McCarthy. I had to find my God the hard way,’ she said firmly. ‘When my Ted was taken from me in such a cruel and horrible way I was in a dark and lonely place and I questioned God. My faith was gone. How could He allow this to happen to a good hardworking man who never did any harm to anyone? I had my dark night of the soul when I was on my knees, I can tell you, and then I read a book called Embraced by the Light by a woman called Betty J. Eadie, about what happens when you die. And it made me think and question everything I was taught. And I was taught like yourself, Noel.’ She wagged a finger at him. ‘But the difference between us now is that I found a God of compassion. Not the harsh, judgemental, wrathful God we were reared on. And what a joy it is to me.’ Her eyes brimmed with tears and she wiped them away with the corner of her floral apron.

  ‘I started reading other books, spiritual books that were very different in outlook from what I was used to and it made me reassess every single thing I’d ever been taught about religion. And that was the best thing that ever happened to me, Noel. Because now I think for myself. And I don’t have so-called pious men as buffers between my God and me. I know there are some lovely priests out there. We have one in the parish, but I don’t need him any more to tell me about God. I’m learning all about Him myself. And I don’t let any of them tell me what to do,’ she said stoutly.

  Noel couldn’t believe the apostasy that was issuing from his neighbour’s lips. ‘But you still go to church,’ he said weakly.

  ‘I do, and I enjoy it. But I do it my own way now.’ Mrs O’Neill took a sip of tea and gazed at him calmly. For a moment she even found it in herself to feel sorry for her neighbour. His red, watery eyes were staring at her with undisguised consternation. It was obvious she had totally shocked him. She took another sip of tea and put down her cup and said kindly, ‘Noel, would you agree that we are all created by God?’

  ‘Indeed. Of course.’ He nodded earnestly.

  ‘So all of us are sons and daughters of God?’

  ‘Oh yes.’ He pursed his lips, wondering where she was heading.

  ‘Well, my take on it now is that we’re all part of the Divine Creator. He created us. Am I right?’

  ‘Yes,’ Noel agreed, wondering what she was going to come out with next.

  ‘We’re in agreement, then. So now, before Holy Communion, instead of saying “Lord I am not worthy to receive you”, as we were taught, I say “Lord I am worthy to receive you”. And in that way I acknowledge my Divinity. It’s very simple really and much more positive,’ she explained cheerfully, pouring herself another cup of tea.

  ‘Good heavens!’ He was astonished at her misguided irreverence.

  ‘We’ve all been kept down, you see, and made to feel guilty. Religions are great for that sort of thing. And that’s why the likes of poor Bobby have such a hard life. Let me ask you a question.’ She fixed him with a laser-eyed stare. ‘You’re very fond of young Davey, aren’t you?’

  ‘Of course I am.’ Noel drank a reviving sup of tea. He wasn’t the better for this conversation. ‘He’s a great little lad,’ he added, thinking how much he was looking forward to seeing them all again.

  ‘Well what would you say if he came to you and said he was gay?’

  ‘I . . . I . . . Don’t be ridiculous,’ he stuttered, affronted.

  ‘I’m not being in the slightest bit ridiculous,’ she insisted. ‘Who’s to know what life throws at us? So don’t be so harsh on Bobby. He needs even more love than the rest of them. And you know, Anna knew he was different, Noel.’ She kept her gaze steady. ‘She said it to me a long time ago and it didn’t bother her, so don’t be blaming her death on Bobby. Her big worry was the way you’d take it.’ She had no intention of letting him off the hook. ‘If she knew that you were estranged because of it she’d be very troubled and disappointed.’

  ‘Don’t be saying things like that,’ Noel muttered wretchedly.

  ‘You know, Noel, we’re in our second half of life and we have to stop acting like sheep and swallowing everything we’re told. We have to think for ourselves and work it out as best we can. And that’s my advice to you. Think for yourself and stop making life hard for the pair of you. God’s compassion is there for us all if we want it. Bobby’s a lovely lad. What harm if he finds love with a chap like him? Love is love no matter who’s giving and receiving it. And isn’t that what we all want? A little bit of love?’

  The phone rang. She smiled at him benevolently, aware that she had shocked him to his core. ‘There’s Carrie now, I’d say. Go and answer it and don’t let on there’s a thing wrong with you, while I wash up these cups,’ she ordered.

  ‘Right,’ he said meekly, wondering whether she had turned into some sort of she-devil. He went out to the hall and picked up the phone and heard a chorus of ‘Happy Easter, Grandpa’ in his ear. His heart lifted at the sound of his grandchildren’s childish glee. Tempted as he was to play the martyr and get some sympathy, he knew that Mrs O’Neill had her ear cocked in the kitchen and would give him a sharp telling off if he played the old soldier. Anyway, there was less than a week to go now until they got back; he’d struggle on until they got home. It would be mean to ruin Carrie’s holiday by having her worry about him.

  ‘Hello, Dad? How are you?’ He felt a surge of emotion and affection as he heard Carrie’s voice on the line.

  ‘I’m fine, Carrie. Are you having a good time? How are the children? Is it too hot for them?’

  ‘Not at all, Dad. We go swimming in the Gulf every day, and they’re having a great time. We went camping in the desert on Friday. It was fantastic. The time is flying. Sure we’ll be home before we know it. You sound as if you’ve a cold.’

  ‘Ah it’s only a sniffle,’ he said heartily, triumphantly resisting the urge to enact the role of the abandoned invalid.

  ‘Well, mind yourself, Dad. What are you doing for your dinner today?’

  ‘Sadie’s bringing me a turkey dinner, so I’ll be grand. Mrs O’Neill is with me at the minute. We were having a cup of tea. She brought me in your Easter egg. It was very kind of you, Carrie. Thanks a lot.’

  ‘You’re welcome, Dad. Here’s Shauna, she wants to say hello.’ Carrie passed the phone over to her sister, and Shauna came on the line. ‘Hi, Dad. Happy Easter.’

  ‘Hello, love. Are you having a good time with the gang?’

  ‘It’s great to have them here. I’ll miss them when they’re gone.’

  ‘Why don’t you come home yourself for good? That place is a bit of a powder keg with the war in Iraq and all of that,’ he urged.

  ‘We’ll see,’ she said non-committally. ‘Chloe wants to say hello to you.’

  He spoke to all of the children, even Hannah, who was all talk of her Easter eggs. He felt lonely hanging up. It was amazing how much he missed them. He supposed he’d taken them for granted over the years, he acknowledged uncomfortably.

  ‘They’ll be home soon, Noel, don’t be fretting now,’ Mrs O’Neill said when she saw his crestfallen face as he came back into the kitchen. ‘Phone calls are all I have. At least Carrie will be home soon and Shauna will be home for the summer.’

  ‘What are you going to do for the rest of the day?’ he asked, beginning to realize how lonely a life his neighbour must have in spite of all her social activities.

  ‘I’m going to lunch with another widowed friend of mine. But I’ll call in on my way home and see how you’re getting on. Is there anything I can get you when I’m out?’

  ‘I have everything I need, thanks. And . . . er . . . thank you for all your kindness,’ he said awkwardly.

  ‘Even if I’m a bit of a heretic?’ Her bright blue eyes twinkled at him mischievously.

  Noel laughed. Mrs O’Neill was a good-humoured woman and always had been. ‘We’re different,’ he conceded.

  ‘Anyone can change. Make your peace with Bobby; it’s what Anna would want. Life’s too short to be fighting. We don’t know what’s round the corner. We could be g
one tomorrow. And besides, it would be the Christian thing to do,’ Mrs O’Neill advised as she folded the tea towel and hung it up.

  He watched her go, chewing the side of his jaw. From anyone else he would have taken it as nosy interference, but he had a high regard for his neighbour. She’d been a great friend of his wife’s and she’d coped with her husband’s sudden death and her children’s departures to foreign climes with stoic determination and bravery. He was still pondering on her words even as he ate the tasty roast turkey dinner Dan’s sister brought him a couple of hours later.

  Had he been too harsh and judgemental on Bobby? What would he do if Davey came to him when he was older and said that he was gay? Kind, loving Davey who always made a fuss of him. Bobby had been a kind and loving child, he thought with a little dart of shock. He and his nephew were very alike in some respects, but Noel had spent so much time chastising him, wanting him to do manly things, that they’d ended up at loggerheads.

  ‘But I was only trying to do my best for him,’ he said aloud as he washed his dishes, angry with himself and Mrs O’Neill that he was having to justify the upbringing he had given his child. He’d tried to set his son on the right path, as any good father would. Why should he be judged harshly for that?

  Because you judged harshly. The thought hit him like a thunderbolt. He stared out at the garden. The damson trees, Anna’s pride and joy, were a riot of snowy blossoms bursting gloriously from their branches. A bright yellow gorse raised its flowers to the deep blue sky. A pink camellia was poised to bloom, its tight buds straining to be free. Such a place of beauty, the garden he and his late wife had created, he mused. Bobby had often helped his mother in it when he was young. He and she would talk away and he’d see her laughing at something her son had said and be jealous. His heart contracted. He had been jealous of the bond Anna and Bobby had. She’d always been so protective of her son, and he had accused her of mollycoddling him.

  Was it jealousy that had made him say those things?

  He shook his head at the notion. That was ridiculous. It was abhorrence at the thought of his son physically loving another man. The thought repulsed him. It was unnatural. And how shocking that one of his offspring would have such a perverted inclination. It must have come from Anna’s side of the family. There was nothing like that in his family, he thought angrily.

  A flicker of remorse shot through him. What a thing to blame on his poor dead wife.

  ‘I’m sorry, my dear,’ he murmured, ashamed.

  Was he a harsh and judgemental person? He had always thought that he was a good, decent, upright man who took his duties as a husband and father seriously. But listening to Mrs O’Neill today when she’d talked about God and compassion had made him feel uncomfortable. Maybe he could have been more compassionate in his life, he thought guiltily.

  Why had she brought up all those subjects? Why couldn’t she just leave him be? Why did he have to think about these dreadful things now when he just wanted a bit of peace? He made himself a cup of tea and went into the sitting room and sat down by the fire. There was still a little nip in the wind and he’d lit the fire to take the chill off the room. The flames flickered comfortingly and Twiskers jumped up onto his lap. He stroked her head and felt a measure of comfort when he heard the deep purr roll from the back of her throat. At least he made someone happy even if it was only the cat, he thought sorrowfully as memories of the harsh words that both Shauna and Bobby had flung at him over the years came back to haunt him. After a while, weary of his turmoil, he closed his eyes. His chin drooped onto his chest and he slept.

  ‘Dad sounded as though he has a cold on him,’ Carrie turned her head and squinted at her sister as the afternoon sun sparkled on the jade waters of the Gulf. Dan was swimming with the children and Carrie and Shauna lay on emerald green loungers under coconut straw umbrellas, sipping ice-cold Pimms.

  ‘He didn’t go on about it the way he usually would. You know if Dad gets a sniffle he’s usually convinced he’s getting pneumonia,’ Shauna remarked lazily, smoothing more suncream onto her golden limbs.

  ‘I think he was making the effort to let on that he was all right. He’s mellowed a little. He’s not as bad as he used to be at all. I think the kids have a lot to do with it. He’s mad about them.’ Carrie stretched luxuriously.

  ‘Pity he wasn’t like that when we were young,’ Shauna retorted.

  ‘What’s wrong with you? You’re not in great form.’ Carrie eyed her knowingly. ‘You and Greg are having a row, aren’t you?’

  ‘No we’re not,’ Shauna retorted hotly.

  ‘Look, the two of you are being so extra polite to each other in front of us, it’s excruciating. I know something’s up. What’s wrong? You might as well tell me while we have a few minutes to ourselves.’ Carrie leaned on her elbow and looked over at her.

  ‘I had a go at him about not spending more time with Chloe and me, the way Dan spends time with you and the kids. Of course he went ballistic and flew off the handle and said some very hurtful things. He’s a bollox,’ Shauna said sulkily.

  ‘He works hard for you, Shauna,’ Carrie said gently.

  ‘Dan works hard for you, too, and he spends time with you. Look at him out there with the kids.’

  They raised themselves up on their elbows and saw Dan surrounded by a horde of squealing children splashing and jumping around. Behind him, bright orange buoys undulated on top of the water where the shark nets lay strung across the bay.

  ‘Don’t forget, Dan’s on holiday,’ Carrie pointed out.

  ‘Greg comes home to us for three weeks in the summer and he still doesn’t have time for us, he’s so busy sorting out his property portfolio.’ Shauna dismissed that argument out of hand. ‘You’re a family, Carrie, a tightly knit unit. Sometimes I just feel I’m a trophy that Greg can deck out in jewels and designer clothes to show off to his colleagues. And as for Chloe, he couldn’t be happier that we have Filomena to look after her. It means he can abdicate all his parental responsibilities. He thinks he’s the perfect father and husband by simply providing for us financially. He can’t understand why I get pissed off. It’s not what I imagined our life would be,’ she ended glumly.

  ‘Come on now, Shauna, don’t tell me you’d be happy in a three-bedroom semi-detached with a nine to five husband like most ordinary mortals,’ Carrie mocked. ‘That was never you and never will be.’

  ‘OK, well, not quite that, but I can’t help envying you and Dan. You’re so close and you have such fun together.’

  ‘We have our ups and downs too. Don’t forget I’m competing with bloody glasshouses.’ Carrie lay back against her cushions enjoying the feeling of lethargy that was spreading through her.

  ‘But you still like each other,’ Shauna muttered. ‘I don’t think I like Greg any more.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ Carrie protested. ‘You only feel that now because you had a row. It will blow over.’

  ‘Do you think I should try for another baby?’

  ‘Do you want the truth?’ Carrie sat up and swung her legs onto the sand so that she was facing her sister.

  ‘Oh, OK, then.’ Shauna eyed her warily, knowing that her sister wasn’t going to pull her punches.

  ‘If you think having another baby will change Greg, it won’t,’ Carrie said bluntly, ‘especially as he’s been putting it off for so long. If he was any different with a new baby from how he is with Chloe it would be a big surprise. I think if you’re going to have another baby you’re on your own, more or less, and that’s being honest, Shauna. I don’t think his heart’s in it and you have to be realistic.’

  ‘I know, but I really do want a brother or sister for Chloe.’

  ‘Have one, but just be sure you’re not going into it with false expectations. Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’m wronging the chap.’ Carrie shrugged and took a long sip of her drink.

  ‘Do you think I’m a bitch? Do you think I’m being disloyal saying these things to you?’ Shauna pushed her sunglasses up
on top of her head and stared at her sister.

  ‘Don’t be silly, it’s me you’re talking to. That’s what sisters are for.’

  ‘I know, and I really appreciate having you to talk to. That’s why I want someone for Chloe. I’d hate her to be on her own.’

  ‘She does have my gang, don’t forget,’ Carrie assured her. ‘And Greg has been a kind and generous husband.’

  ‘I know. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m starting my midlife crisis.’

  ‘Give over. I haven’t had mine yet and I’m older than you are,’ Carrie teased. ‘Now order me another drink, I’m on my holliers!’

  ‘Greg, can we make up before you go to Dubai with Dan and Davey tomorrow? It’s really stressful having a row when visitors are here and Carrie has copped it.’ Shauna turned to her husband, who had just got into bed.

  ‘Well you started it, Shauna,’ he retorted. ‘And you made me feel really bad. I felt totally unappreciated. I felt nothing I do for you matters. I’m not working my ass off just for me, you know,’ he added plaintively.

  ‘I know,’ she muttered. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. I do appreciate how hard you work for us. I’d just like us to spend a little more time together.’

  ‘We will, I promise,’ Greg said placatingly, relieved the coolness was over and that his wife had made the first move. ‘This summer will be our best ever,’ he assured her. ‘We could spend a few days in Paris on the way back after the holidays, if you like.’

  ‘Don’t forget Chloe will be starting school,’ she reminded him.

  ‘Damn, forgot that. Nix Paris,’ he said grumpily.

  ‘I know what we could do!’ she exclaimed eagerly. ‘I’m sure Carrie would mind Chloe for a few days and I could fly to meet you there on your way home in August. We could have a romantic few days.’ Her eyes sparkled at the idea. She’d be off the Pill and wouldn’t it be wonderful to conceive a baby in Paris? Not that she’d mention it to her husband right now. She didn’t want him getting into a bad humour again.