Divided Loyalties

by Patricia Scanlan

  ‘You could say that, Dad,’ Shauna murmured.

  ‘But she was a good age. I’m sure it was a happy release. Wasn’t she ailing for a while?’ Noel sat beside her and patted her arm.

  ‘Oh, Dad, it wasn’t that. I found out something terrible today. Greg did an awful thing to me,’ she blurted, starting to cry.

  Noel looked at Carrie in horror; he found tears hard to cope with. ‘What did he do?’ he asked hesitantly.

  ‘He . . . he . . .’ Shauna swallowed and buried her head in her hands, distraught.

  ‘What? What happened, Carrie?’ Noel demanded anxiously.

  ‘Greg had a vasectomy and never told Shauna,’ Carrie explained, handing her sister a wad of tissues.

  ‘May God forgive him!’ Noel exclaimed, aghast. ‘That’s a terrible thing to do. Wait until I see him, he’ll get a good talking to from me. To treat my daughter like that . . . I . . . I don’t know what to say.’ He put his arm round her and tried in vain to comfort her, but Shauna cried with abandon, as years of pent-up sorrow and grief poured out of the depths of her until she could cry no more. Noel and Carrie watched helplessly.

  ‘Sorry,’ she murmured eventually.

  ‘Why don’t you go and lie down for a while?’ Carrie suggested gently.

  ‘Yeah, I think I will. I’ve got an awful headache,’ Shauna said shakily as she struggled to her feet.

  ‘I’ll light a candle for you,’ Noel said awkwardly.

  ‘Thanks, Dad.’ She managed a wobbly smile and gave him a quick hug.

  ‘Go into the spare room. It’s nice and quiet at the back of the house, and the sheets are fresh on the bed,’ Carrie told her.

  ‘Right,’ Shauna said tiredly. ‘I’ll be down in a while.’

  ‘Stay there as long as you like. I’ll bring you up your dinner, if you want.’

  ‘I don’t think I could eat any, Carrie. There’s a lump like a golf ball in my throat.’

  ‘That’s understandable. See how you feel later,’ Carrie said firmly. ‘Now go on before the kids get home.’

  ‘Bossyboots,’ her sister said affectionately, but her lip wobbled as she left the room and Carrie could hear her crying again.

  ‘This is a terrible state of affairs.’ Noel shook his head worriedly as he paced up and down. ‘I’ll have to speak to Greg. They’ll have to go and have counselling.’

  ‘Dad, stay out of it. They have to work it out for themselves. It’s not our place to interfere,’ Carrie said as she put the mugs into the dishwasher.

  ‘I know, but there are services for marriages in distress,’ Noel pointed out earnestly.

  ‘Dad, Shauna has every right to leave Greg after what he’s done to her, and don’t you make her feel bad about it if she does,’ she warned.

  ‘Now Carrie, what God has joined together let no man put asunder,’ Noel said sternly.

  ‘Dad, stop it. Greg had a vasectomy behind Shauna’s back and let her think they were trying for a baby. How could she live with him after that? If there’s no love and respect there’s no true marriage.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘But nothing, Dad. Don’t you dare go adding to Shauna’s burdens with all that religious stuff,’ Carrie said crossly.

  ‘Now, miss, I don’t like your tone,’ Noel said with some of his old authority. ‘The Church says—’

  ‘Tough, if you don’t like my tone, Dad. I’m not interested in what the Church says. You gave Bobby a hard enough time; I won’t let you do it to Shauna. It’s not up to you to judge. You haven’t walked in her shoes. You don’t know what it’s like.’ Carrie’s tone brooked no argument. ‘Greg’s deprived her of the chance to have a baby, he’s lied to her, and treated her abominably. Why would anyone want her to stay in a marriage like that with a man like that? That’s not marriage, that’s abuse,’ she exploded, wishing she could get her hands on Greg Cassidy.

  ‘Hmmm, you have a point.’ Noel backed down, unused to Carrie lecturing him so vehemently. ‘She has grounds for annulment there, I think. After all, because of what he’s had done, he’s a eunuch,’ he pronounced solemnly. Carrie, who had her back to him, spluttered and managed to turn it into a cough. She had a hysterical desire to laugh, but Noel would not be amused. He took his theological matters very seriously. As far as he was concerned, Greg was now officially a eunuch in the eyes of the Church. Trust her father to come up with a gem like that.

  ‘Go and light a candle for her. I’ll have the dinner ready in another hour,’ she suggested, thinking that it was all very surreal. If only she could wake up and find it was just a bad dream.

  Shauna lay curled up in a ball in the comfortable double bed in Carrie’s guest room. She felt sick and cold. Her stomach was tied up in knots. She’d never felt so alone in her life. Why had Greg done this to her? Did she mean so little to him? Was she, or her needs, of no consequence? Did he not see her as equal in their marriage? Obviously not, she thought forlornly as she switched on the electric blanket.

  But then, had she ever been his equal? she wondered. It had always been about him and what he wanted. She’d never really asserted herself. The thoughts raced around in her head. It was her own fault. Knowing that made it all the worse. She buried her aching head under her pillow.

  She was going to have to meet Greg and confront him about what he’d done. She couldn’t run away from this one. This time she was going to have to make the decisions as to what she wanted to do with her life. The thought frightened her to her core. Did she have the strength to stand on her own two feet? She’d never done it before and right now the thought of it enveloped her in dread.

  Greg poured himself a stiff whiskey and lay down on the couch. He’d phoned Shauna twice. The first time the phone had rung out. The second time it had been switched off. He wanted to book flights back to Abu Dhabi. Would he be booking for three or one? What would she decide?

  He wished he could fly out tonight and get back to work and bury himself in it. Work was his solace. It made him feel good about himself. It was the only thing that made him feel good about himself, he thought glumly. Ever since Shauna had got the bee in her bonnet about having kids, he’d come second in her life. How was that supposed to make a man feel? It was all her fault that they were in this mess, anyway. And he was going to tell her so if she started giving him a hard time. Angry and embittered, he went into their bedroom and began to pack the remainder of his gear. He’d left a message on his wife’s phone telling her to get in touch. He’d give her until midday tomorrow. If not, he was going to book a ticket for himself and she could do what she bloody well liked. She always did, anyway.

  37

  ‘Are you sure you don’t mind if Chloe stays here?’ Shauna said to Carrie as she carefully made up her face in preparation for her encounter with Greg.

  ‘Of course not. She’s better off here,’ Carrie assured her.

  ‘Imagine being nervous going to meet your own husband,’ Shauna said wryly. ‘My stomach is in a heap.’

  ‘That’s natural. There’s a lot at stake,’ Carrie said quietly.

  ‘I know. I was awake all night trying to decide what to do,’ Shauna confessed.

  ‘Look, I’ll go down to the school tomorrow and see if they could take Chloe for a couple of weeks. That would give you time to think. And give you and Greg some space,’ Carrie offered.

  ‘That’s a good idea. Thanks, Carrie. I might take you up on that,’ Shauna said gratefully. ‘It would give me a bit of leeway.’ She kissed her sister. ‘I’ll see you later. Wish me luck.’

  ‘Just don’t let him persuade you to do anything you don’t want to do or feel uncomfortable with,’ Carrie advised.

  ‘You know Greg. He’s good at getting his own way.’

  ‘Shauna, this isn’t about Greg or what he wants. It’s about you and don’t forget that,’ Carrie said firmly.

  ‘I won’t. But thanks for the advice.’ Shauna picked up her bag and car keys and walked slowly downstairs. She was sick to her stomach and h
ad only managed to eat a slice of toast for her breakfast. Butterflies as big as bats fluttered inside her. She felt more lonely, apprehensive and unsure than she ever had in her entire life. But she couldn’t fall apart. She needed to be strong for herself and Chloe.

  The Friday traffic was heavy. Greg had sent her a terse text telling her to get in touch by midday or he was booking his flight. She’d sent an equally terse text back telling him that she’d see him at two o’clock in Malahide.

  By the time she pulled up into her own driveway she had managed to regain some of her poise. Why should she be nervous? It was Greg who should be shaking in his boots after what he’d done, she told herself grimly as she inserted her key in the front door.

  Greg was in the kitchen eating a mushroom and cheese omelette that he’d cooked for his lunch. The sight of it infuriated her. How dare he be able to eat after what he’d done? Didn’t it bother him in the slightest?

  ‘What sort of bollox are you?’ she demanded. ‘How can you even think of eating? Aren’t you sick to your stomach like I am or do you not give a damn?’

  ‘For fuck’s sake, Shauna, don’t start,’ Greg blustered, taken aback by her onslaught.

  ‘What do you mean, don’t start? I’ve every right to start. Why did you do that to me? Have you no feelings for me? Have you no respect for me? Didn’t I count for anything? Why did you let me go through torment month after month? How could you watch me in tears when I’d get my period when you knew there was no chance of me conceiving?’ She was shouting at him. She wanted to batter him.

  ‘I wanted to tell you,’ he muttered. ‘I wanted to tell you in Paris but I lost my nerve.’

  ‘How could you do it, Greg? How could you go behind my back like that?’ She stared at him, trying to find some hint of regret in his eyes that would give her some crumb of comfort.

  ‘Because you wouldn’t listen to me,’ he roared. ‘I told you over and over that I didn’t want another baby but you kept on and on at me. You talk about counting for anything. Well, I counted for nothing. My wishes counted for nothing. You wanted a baby come hell or high water, no matter what I said. How do you think that made me feel?’

  ‘I wanted a brother or sister for Chloe,’ she shrieked. ‘I didn’t want her to be an only child. I wanted us to be a proper family like Carrie and Dan’s.’

  ‘Aw yeah, throw the bloody Waltons in my face again. I’m fed up to the back teeth hearing how perfect they are. Do you know how hard it is to live with someone you can’t satisfy no matter what you do? Do you have any idea how hard I work? And why do I kill myself working? I kill myself working trying to provide a better than average lifestyle for you and Chloe. But do I get any thanks for it? No bloody way. I just get the fucking Waltons thrown up in my face. Sometimes I wonder why the hell you married me.’ Greg was puce with anger.

  ‘Stop using work as an excuse,’ she raged, incensed. ‘That’s your choice, not Chloe’s or mine. She hardly sees you anyway; it won’t make much difference to her whether we split or not.’

  ‘Well then, I might as well go back to Abu Dhabi and get on with my life. You two don’t need me,’ he said sulkily.

  ‘Oh, typical, feel sorry for yourself now. You’ve no business feeling sorry for yourself. I’m the one who should be feeling sorry for herself, you bastard.’

  ‘Is that so?’ he sneered. ‘You’ve a big apartment in the Gulf. A big detached house in Dublin. Your caravan. More jewellery and clothes than any other woman I know. Your own credit card. Oh yes . . . you’ve a lot to feel sorry about.’

  Her slap reddened his jaw and brought a flash of temper to his eyes. He grabbed her wrist. ‘Don’t ever do that again or you might get one back,’ he said furiously.

  She pulled her wrist away. ‘You go back to Abu Dhabi. I’m staying here with Chloe for a while until I decide what I want to do.’

  ‘What about school?’ he snapped.

  ‘Oh, don’t pretend you’re concerned about her schooling,’ she scoffed. ‘That’s never worried you before.’

  ‘She’s my daughter. I have a right to make decisions concerning her,’ Greg retorted.

  ‘If I bring you to court after what you’ve done to me you’ll have no bloody rights at all, mister,’ Shauna shot back.

  Greg paled. He didn’t like the sound of that.

  ‘Oh yes, I could play very dirty, Greg Cassidy. I know you’ve got your little secret accounts stashed away here and there. You probably even have properties that I don’t know about, but Gina Andrews hired a very thorough forensic accountant for her divorce and she took Walter to the cleaners. He hadn’t a chance by the time that accountant had gone through his cash and assets with a fine-tooth comb. Fortunately Gina and I have kept in touch . . .’ She stared him down.

  ‘What do you want to do?’ He scowled.

  ‘Carrie’s going to see if she can get Chloe into the village school. I think it’s best for her. She needs some stability in her life. Filomena’s gone, Carly’s gone, we’re the way we are. At least she’ll have her cousins.’

  ‘I want to see her before I go,’ he muttered.

  ‘Fine. I’ll bring her over. Text me and let me know when you’re leaving.’ She turned on her heel and left him staring after her in fury.

  She was on a high as she drove out of the cul-de-sac. She’d said her piece and taken control. She’d told him what to do for a change. She smiled grimly, remembering how he had paled at her threat to bring him to court. She’d use that to keep him in check. If he could play dirty having a vasectomy behind her back, she could play dirty too. The knowledge gave her strength. In the next few weeks . . . or months . . . she’d make a decision about her future. And this time it would be on her terms.

  Greg sat at the computer checking out flights to the Emirates. He was completely rattled. He wasn’t used to Shauna being assertive. It was extremely disconcerting. Her threat to go to court was hugely unnerving. Forensic accountants were seriously lethal and seriously expensive. She had him by the balls. She could possibly sue him for lessening her chances of having a baby, or some such charge, as well. His photograph would be plastered all over the papers. He’d never be able to hold his head up in Ireland again. He’d be a laughing stock among his Irish business colleagues. And she really could take him to the cleaners. He’d better tread warily and not antagonize her, he decided morosely, as he keyed in his credit card number and booked the first available flight he could find. The sooner he got out of this bloody country the better.

  ‘How would you like to stay in Ireland for a while and go to Olivia and Davey’s school?’ Shauna slipped her arm round her daughter’s waist and drew her close.

  Chloe looked at her, puzzled.

  ‘Well, you know the way Filomena isn’t coming back to us any more and Carly’s gone to live in America? Wouldn’t it be nice to stay here with Carrie and your cousins just to see how it goes, and maybe live in Ireland all the time?’ Shauna explained patiently.

  ‘Can we live in the mobile?’

  ‘Well, for a little while, anyway, until I sort things out.’ Shauna smiled.

  ‘Wow, Mom, that would be cool. I really like this place. I don’t want to go back to Abu Dhabi,’ her daughter enthused.

  ‘Dad will have to go back to work,’ Shauna said hesitantly.

  ‘Poor Dad,’ Chloe said matter-of-factly. ‘Will I be getting a new school uniform like Olivia’s?’

  ‘Yes.’ Shauna nodded, relieved but saddened at her daughter’s lack of concern for Greg.

  ‘Great. I loovve the red dickie bow. It’s cool.’ Chloe was thrilled. ‘When can I go?’

  ‘Tomorrow. Carrie checked it out for me this morning. Would you like to start tomorrow?’

  ‘You bet, Mom. They play great games in the yard,’ Chloe confided.

  ‘Do they?’

  ‘Yeah. They play Queenie I O Who Has The Ball, and everything.’

  ‘That sounds fantastic.’ Shauna hugged her. ‘Now listen. We’ve to go to Malahide and say
goodbye to Dad and get some clothes and things.’

  ‘OK. Can I bring my music box back? I want to show it to my new teacher.’

  ‘Sure,’ Shauna agreed. ‘Let’s get ready to go.’

  We’re on our way. Act normally, she texted Greg.

  I will if you will, came the curt response.

  ‘Daddy, Daddy, I’m going to Olivia’s school and I’m getting a new uniform.’ Chloe raced in the front door half an hour later, full of her news.

  ‘Are you?’ He swept her up in his arms.

  ‘I’m getting a dickie bow,’ she informed him proudly.

  ‘Well you’ll just have to get Mom to take some photos and email them to me,’ he said, kissing the top of her head and looking at Shauna.

  ‘We’ll do that,’ Shauna said lightly. ‘Won’t we, Chloe? And we’ll email every week.’

  ‘Better than nothing, I suppose,’ Greg said bitterly.

  Shauna flashed him a warning look. ‘Have you called a taxi?’

  ‘Yes. I’m flying to Heathrow and getting the red-eye from there. What will I tell people when I get home?’

  ‘Darling, run up and get your music box.’ Shauna smiled at their daughter. ‘Tell them whatever you want, I don’t care,’ she said tonelessly when Chloe was gone from the room.

  ‘Are you sure this is what you want?’ he demanded.

  ‘I don’t know what I want. But I know I need time to think and I need time away from you,’ Shauna said curtly.

  ‘Fine.’ Greg flicked a piece of lint off his expensive grey suit. ‘I’ll be in touch.’

  Shauna said nothing.

  ‘I’m going up to say goodbye to Chloe,’ he said brusquely, brushing past her.

  ‘Right.’

  She heard him run up the stairs and tried not to feel guilty. Was she being totally selfish? she wondered. Would it not have been better to go back with Greg and get Chloe settled back in school and try to work things out in Abu Dhabi?