Mage for Hire

by Jason Kenyon

  ‘Hush a moment!’ Archimegadon said. ‘Now then, Broadblade, I will ask you politely to help us defeat Belias or there will be dire repercussions.’

  ‘Not a chance, Arkermechadon,’ Felick said. ‘You shoulda stayed down when I trounced you in Horan.’

  ‘How foolish.’

  ‘Bollocks ter this!’ Belias yelled. ‘Demon, get those bastards!’ The Shadows looked confused at which of them he meant, but eventually one slunk off sullenly and took a swipe at the Breakers, who drew their weapons and leapt into battle.

  ‘Ah good, that simplifies matters,’ Archimegadon said.

  Obdo nudged the Mage for Hire. ‘Yeah. Uh. Sir Mage? We’ve never won a fight before.’

  ‘I have,’ Valia said.

  ‘Not with us you haven’t,’ Obdo said. ‘But aside from tricking Felick that once… I mean you think we can take out a couple of demons, Belias and five Breakers?’

  ‘Of course!’ Archimegadon replied. ‘Now, was there anything else?’

  ‘Nope, guess that’s it,’ Obdo replied.

  ‘Splendid!’ Archimegadon said. ‘Well then, Obdo and Valia, you team up and attack the Shadow from the right. Neurion and Anjilo, you go from the left. I shall defeat Belias myself.’

  ‘So why me and Valia?’ Obdo asked. ‘Don’t I get an anti-demon paladin by my side?’

  ‘I assigned you all points of competence and grouped you evenly,’ Archimegadon replied. ‘Valia, at most competent, got three. Neurion and Anjilo got two, since while they are useless paladin knaves, their power of Light should be splendid versus demons, and the Spell of Holy Fury could potentially be useful. You, Obdo, as you can’t do anything, got one.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Obdo said. ‘What did you give yourself, then? Four?’

  ‘I got the maximum score of a hundred,’ Archimegadon replied. ‘Now hush. I think Belias wishes to speak.’

  The necromancer had been hopping irritably from foot to foot, trying to get a comment in. ‘Ye’re bleedin’ actin’ like I’m nae here! Well, let’s see if I’m nae here when I attack ye! Kill him!’ Belias gestured wildly at his spare demon, which sighed and lumbered forth to attack. ‘Fer that matter, Mage fer Hire, try yer hand against this! Darkstrike!’ Belias added, and he loosed what appeared to be a very shadowy flamebolt from his staff.

  Archimegadon, who had not exactly learnt any counters during his short stay at the old Mage Academy, hurled himself aside in a most ungainly fashion, although he needn’t have; Anjilo raised a barrier of Light that shook a bit but held firm as the Darkstrike struck it. Belias muttered a curse and fired off another, while the Shadow lashed out at the companions, who hopped back and adopted the formation Archimegadon had commanded.

  ‘Erm, nice work,’ Archimegadon called to Anjilo. ‘I was… about to do similar myself.’

  Valia rolled her eyes, but she decided not to comment and then threw herself at the Shadow in a manner similar to Mortimyr. ‘Go on, demon, cast at me when I’m this close!’ she said, cutting at it with Uldraxios as it withdrew a pace and blocked with skeletal arms.

  Obdo eyed the Shadow with a very extreme amount of uncertainty before joining Valia, waving his bone club in a threatening manner, although he was quite unwilling to get closer to what was, to be fair, a most horrific demon. Neurion and Anjilo circled it and then charged, both casting what appeared to be the Spell of Holy Fury.

  The field was clear. Archimegadon stood before Belias.

  ‘One more thing,’ Belias said. ‘Darkstrike!’

  Archimegadon was not caught off-guard, nimbly side-stepping. ‘Flamebolt!’ he yelled, shooting off a rather impressive ball of fiery death.

  Belias muttered something and batted the flamebolt aside with a fair bit of effort. That was an improvement over the flamebolt being turned into butterflies at least, though Archimegadon was still sour about it.

  ‘Cunning,’ Archimegadon said.

  ‘Oh, aye, ‘tis a… Darkstrike!’ Belias shouted.

  Archimegadon hopped aside. ‘Flamebolt! Flamebolt!’

  This time Belias created a grand shield of darkness that seemed to come close to cracking under the pressure, but then it burst outwards and the flamebolts shot off into space.

  ‘No good, aye?’ Belias said, stepping closer to his opponent. ‘Ye’ll need ter cast better than… Darkstrike! Darkstrike!’

  The evil blasts filled Archimegadon’s sight and he knew instantly he could not skip aside this time. Instead he dropped to the floor and they sailed harmlessly overhead, but more followed and he had to scramble aside quickly indeed to prevent himself from becoming an Archimegadon-shaped pile of ashes.

  ‘Pish, you are rather usel…’ Archimegadon began, when a slight noise behind him caused him to whirl round and dodge back automatically. It was just as well, as Felick’s dagger slashed through the empty space where he had been.

  ‘Bastard!’ Felick said.

  Another Darkstrike volley came Archimegadon’s way, and the Mage for Hire ended up doing a fairly silly sort of dance as he dodged this way and that. Felick followed in a more impressive manner, weaving through and lashing at the mage every chance he got.

  ‘Felick, you ass!’ Archimegadon said. ‘Will you sod off?’

  ‘Not a chance,’ Broadblade replied with a grin, coming close to getting the mage, but an inconvenient Darkstrike cut him off momentarily.

  ‘Flamebolt!’ Archimegadon yelled, sending it in Belias’s direction. While the necromancer countered it the Mage for Hire turned on Felick. ‘Flamebolt!’

  Felick skipped aside only to meet Archimegadon’s left hook strike out with surprising vengeful force. The mercenary went down with a dull thud.

  ‘And that was my pleasure, you tedious imbecile,’ Archimegadon said.

  Another mercenary popped up like an unpleasant weed wielding two great cutlasses.

  ‘Flamebolt!’

  ‘Darkstrike!’

  Wavering on what to avoid, the mercenary was slow to stumble aside, only to be snatched up by the Shadow that Archimegadon’s allies were fighting. The demon crunched him rather messily and threw the corpse at Valia and Obdo, who were having trouble enough trying to actually wound it through its thick exoskeleton.

  With a howl of disappointment the Shadow fighting the Breakers gave up the ghost, but in its death throes it crushed one of the mercenaries who had survived, and another, perched on its neck, was catapulted into the ooze. The last one took a brief look at the other great Shadow, and Neurion and Anjilo glowing with a near-godly aura, and decided to cut his losses and run.

  ‘Your last ally is about to be finished,’ Archimegadon said to Belias.

  Belias took a deep breath. ‘Ye’re lucky yer paladin pals are ‘ere. Ye’d nae ‘ave ‘ad a chance otherwise.’

  ‘Balls,’ Archimegadon said. ‘In any case, old bean, weren’t you supposed to be Delarian’s equal?’

  ‘Ye caught me early,’ Belias replied. ‘But it does nae matter. ‘Tisn’t the end, aye? Did ye nae realise I sent me armies out in force ter destroy yer bleedin’ Gale? Ye’ve been wastin’ time ‘ere while yer innocent villagers are dyin’! All that ye’ve done ‘ere can be turned ter me own use! Yon corpses’ll make fine soldiers.’

  ‘I see no error in destroying the leader,’ Archimegadon said. ‘With you dead, the slain will no longer rise to serve you. Your armies will be stopped soon enough, after I have destroyed you.’

  ‘Nah, I’m nae wastin’ any more time here, aye?’ Belias said. ‘I’ll be seein’ ye later, mate!’ The necromancer turned and ran for it.

  ‘Not a chance, you sod,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Flamebolt!’

  Belias was careless in his panic and did not even begin to dodge the incoming ball of fire, which smashed into him and threw him stumbling across the platform, dropping his staff along the way, until he reached the very edge, where he finally just about caught his balance. He tried to step backwards but found himself standing with his own staff poking into the back of his head.

&n
bsp; ‘I suppose this rather concludes matters,’ Archimegadon said.

  ‘Now, now, mate, be reasonable, aye?’

  ‘Silence, oaf!’ Archimegadon replied. ‘You shall have no reason from me! For I am Archimegadon!’

  This yell was accompanied by the defeat of the second Shadow, which was so miffed at being killed that it exploded into a lot of goo that drenched everyone within range, which fortunately Archimegadon was not. After a few moments the rather bemused yet victorious companions joined Archimegadon.

  ‘You got him, then?’ Obdo asked. ‘I’m surprised! But go on, blow him up!’

  ‘Hush, knave,’ Archimegadon said. ‘I intend to enjoy this moment.’

  ‘I can reform, ye know,’ Belias said, eying the ooze beneath him.

  ‘I am no longer in a forgiving mood,’ Archimegadon said. ‘You sodding necromancers are a real pain in my backside. Vortagenses, Tel Ariel, and now you… well, whether you are underpowered through lack of feeding or simply a sub-par fighter, I have no further time or use for you. Your plan is buggered. I am going to stop this knavery and restore things to the way they should be.’

  ‘Ye’re nae a good mage, mate,’ Belias said. ‘I can teach ye a few tricks… get ye the skills ter fight yer enemies, aye?’

  ‘Up yours,’ Archimegadon replied, and he booted the necromancer up the arse with every scrap of irritation he could muster behind his foot.

  Belias hit the ooze with an unpleasant splat, before the steaming thick liquid glooped up around him and sucked him under.

  Archimegadon turned to the others and held out the necromancer’s staff. ‘Anyone versed in destroying necromantic staffs? We don’t want him returning from the dead.’

  ‘Here,’ Anjilo said, taking it from him. ‘It’s not so hard once you’ve done it a couple of times.’ Her hands filled with light, and little cracks spread along the staff’s length. Anjilo tightened her grip and with a rather unclimactic sigh the staff was pretty much just blown out of existence by the lazy evening breeze.

  ‘I never realised how dangerous farming was,’ Obdo said.

  ‘A stupid man once told me it sounded quite the adventure,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Either way, I am rather glad to bid farewell to our farmer.’

  ‘Me too,’ Obdo said. ‘Necromancers… sheesh. And there you were all accusing me and making me do penance.’

  Archimegadon eyed the two Shadow corpses. ‘Don’t tempt me.’

  Chapter Thirty-Two: Bloody Paladins

  Felick heard a strange noise, like a hissing kettle, or a burning fire. He also noticed that he felt rather light, a sensation which, despite seeming quite pleasant, gave him a curiously worried feeling that sat in his chest like some sort of curled-up snake. A figure in what looked like a dress appeared before him, hazy and ethereal, and he shook his head dreamily as he tried to blink focus back into his sight.

  ‘Mother?’ he asked.

  ‘No, I’m sodding well not, you utter ass.’

  Suddenly Felick’s mother transformed into a bad-tempered, bearded mage. With a lurch Felick realised that his feet were not touching the ground, and moreover that his hands had been inconveniently bound. It seemed that the female paladin and knight had been tasked with lifting the none-too-light mercenary…

  …over the ooze.

  ‘Bloody hell!’ Felick said.

  ‘Not so clever now, are we?’ Archimegadon asked with a superior smirk. ‘Trying to bloody stab me when I’m in the midst of saving your arse… well, unfortunately, old bean, I am back. Your little display in the pub shall now reap its rewards.’

  ‘The necromancer’s dead?’ Felick asked with a nervous look all around, mainly down at the ooze.

  ‘Yes, master thief,’ Archimegadon replied, noting the mercenary’s eyes trained on the foul pit. ‘He’s down in there. Staff in ashes. Buggered. And so, old bean, shall it be with you!’

  ‘You can’t!’ Felick said.

  Valia slapped him. ‘We can! And that’s for taking me hostage.’

  ‘Ow!’ Felick looked most aggrieved. ‘Oh, it’s you. Forgot all about you.’

  This earned him a full punch. Valia used such force that she nearly lost her grip, and Felick let out a cry as he almost dropped into the steaming ooze.

  ‘What do you say, Sir Rusty?’ Obdo asked Neurion.

  Neurion pursed his lips. ‘We have given him a chance to redeem himself with a common foe at hand. If he would try to kill us even under those circumstances then I would advise bringing his dark life to an end.’

  ‘I’ve done good deeds!’ Felick said.

  ‘Oh, is that so?’ Archimegadon asked. ‘Pray tell.’

  ‘Yes, um.’ Felick took a moment to think to himself. ‘I once… um… I helped lots of people with things they could not do themselves.’

  ‘Being a mercenary murderer does not count,’ Archimegadon said.

  Felick didn’t bother to say anything else.

  ‘Now, Broadblade,’ Archimegadon went on, ‘you have tried to kill me, allied yourself with a band of cutthroats and are currently the heavy of our usurping Lord Protector. Is there anything remotely redeeming about you?’

  Felick thought long and hard about this one. His family didn’t like him, his record with women was dreadful, and even his friends hated him. In terms of his mark on the world, it took the form of several bits of intimidation, lots of fights in seedy locations and the odd darker job here and there. He was not, shall we say, a pillar of the community.

  ‘Yeah, er… no,’ he replied eventually.

  ‘I suppose that leaves me with but one option,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Neurion, draw your blade. Set Felick down on his knees.’

  Felick hurried to his knees the moment Anjilo and Valia pulled him back onto the platform and released him, trying to ignore Neurion’s sword as it slowly came to a stop inches from his head.

  ‘I have lots of money,’ Felick said.

  ‘I know,’ Archimegadon said with a smile. He drew a large bag from his robes. ‘It has been requisitioned for the funding of Mages for Hire. Now then, my good fellow. I would like you to apologise for all this bollocks you’ve been up to.’

  ‘All right, mage, I’m sorry!’ Felick said. ‘Now let me free.’

  Archimegadon gave Felick a stony glare. ‘Convincing as I found your apology, I feel perhaps a penance is in order.’

  Obdo cackled. ‘Sir Mage, sometimes you’re a genius!’

  ‘What sort of penance?’ Felick asked.

  Archimegadon gestured towards the great corpse of one of the late Belias’s Shadows. ‘I feel we should deliver this creature’s head to Melethas, where it can provide a fine partner for its twin we delivered there the other week. As Obdo is unwell, from the look of his filthy exterior, we will need you to transport it.’

  ‘You’re joking, mate,’ Felick said. ‘That’s bloody huge, that thing! I can’t carry it all that way!’

  Archimegadon shrugged. ‘If the knavish Obdo can manage such a feat, the great and mighty Felick Broadblade can surely repeat it? Besides, old fellow, the alternative is death by ooze.’

  Broadblade thought about the ooze, and how it sizzled and steamed. He could scarcely imagine just how unpleasant falling (or being thrown) into it would be. It took him mere moments to make up his mind, and Archimegadon already knew his answer just by the look of disgust in the curl of Felick’s mouth, though he took little note of the dark shadow in the mercenary’s eyes.

  ‘I’ll do it,’ Felick said. ‘I’ll carry that thing to Melethas. Alright?’

  ‘Indeed so!’ Archimegadon replied.

  ‘Sir Mage, why are we going to Melethas?’ Obdo asked.

  ‘Because I need to get the help of mages if I am to repair this staff,’ Archimegadon replied. ‘Someone as dull as you may not grasp it, but this staff has its uses.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah,’ Obdo said.

  ‘Now, is there anything you need to collect from anywhere here?’ Archimegadon asked. ‘Events are moving on, and we shall
need to move on quickly if we are to keep up.’

  ‘Oh yeah?’ Obdo asked. ‘Like what?’

  ‘I intend to bring down Lord Protector Bartell and that ass Sen Delarian,’ Archimegadon replied.

  Obdo frowned. ‘You… knocked your head a bit?’

  ‘Not quite, you imbecile,’ Archimegadon replied. ‘Delarian got the better of me once, but I have trained long and hard, and now I have attained a level of power far beyond that which he can bring to bear.’

  ‘You’ve been gone less than a day,’ Obdo said.

  ‘The journey of the mind is infinite!’ Archimegadon said. ‘You cannot measure it in mere time!’

  ‘Okay, sure,’ Obdo said.

  ‘Now then, there is work to be done,’ Archimegadon went on. ‘Felick, collect the head.’

  ‘It’s still attached,’ Felick said.

  ‘Indeed so,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Cut it off, fool.’

  Felick grumbled and snatched up his dagger, aware that to either side stood Valia and Anjilo with their weapons at the ready. Neurion watched all this with a guarded look of disapproval; clearly, this time he had really not been inclined to be lenient.

  ‘So, hmm,’ Archimegadon said, clearing his throat. ‘You didn’t leave anything at the farm, did you?’

  ‘Nah, Belias brought everything with him,’ Obdo replied, pointing at a pile of bags, bones and weapons that had presumably been carried by Belias’s demons, to judge from the ooze that dirtied most of them.

  ‘Excellent!’ Archimegadon said. ‘We should get moving before the inn runs out of rooms.’

  ‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’ Valia asked. ‘Belias’s forces are supposed to be assaulting Gale. If we go anywhere near there we’re likely to be killed.’

  ‘Oh balls,’ Archimegadon said. The mage tapped his chin. ‘Broadblade, tell me. Were those louts your only men?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Felick said from under a growing cover of thick, steaming demon blood.

  ‘Bartell didn’t give you any soldiers or anything?’

  ‘Nope, we were supposed to just be checkin’ it out here,’ Felick replied. ‘Figured I’d get us a bonus clearing out the necromancer, but that didn’t go so bloody good.’