All Things Considered

by Debbie Macomber

  For a second Lanni was too shocked and hurt to speak. She refused to address his accusation. “Jenny’s only a child. You can’t uproot her like this—separate her from me and the only home she knows.”

  “Dad may not last much longer.”

  “Jenny’s in preschool.” The excuse was lame, but Lanni was desperate.

  Inserting the tips of his fingers in the high pockets of his well-worn jeans, Judd strolled to the other side of the room. She wasn’t fooled by his casual stance. There was a coiled alertness to every movement Judd made. “All right, we can work around those things.”

  “How?”

  “Come with us.” He turned, his gaze pinning her to the wall.

  Lanni couldn’t hold back an abrupt, short laugh. “I can’t take time off work at a minute’s notice. There are people who depend on me.”

  “Like Steve.” He said the name as if it didn’t feel right on his tongue.

  “Yes…like Steve. And others, plenty of others. I’ve done well for myself without you. I can’t—and I won’t—allow you to charge into my life this way.”

  “Lanni, Stuart’s dying. Surely you aren’t going to deny him this final request.”

  For the first time Lanni saw the pain in Judd’s eyes. He may not have gotten along with his father, but he cared. Judd honestly cared. Probably against his flint-hard will, he was concerned.

  “I’m sorry, really sorry, but I can’t.” Tears formed, stinging the back of her eyes.

  “Jenny has a right to meet her grandfather.”

  “I wrote…I sent pictures. What about my rights? What about Jenny’s rights?”

  Reaching out, he gripped both her wrists and pressed them against her breast. “You hate me, fine. I may deserve all the bitterness you’ve got stored up against me. But you aren’t any Mother Teresa yourself, and I refuse to let you punish an old dying man for my sins.”

  “I’m not punishing Stuart,” she cried, and shook her head from side to side. “All I want is for you to leave Jenny and me alone.”

  Abruptly Judd dropped her hands, and Lanni rubbed them together nervously. “I won’t be bullied into this. My…decision is made.”

  “Okay, fine, but take a night and sleep on it. Once you’ve had time to think things through, I’m confident you’ll realize we don’t have any choice.”

  “Mommy, are you and Daddy fighting?”

  “Of course not, sweetheart,” Lanni said instantly.

  The young face was tight with concern. “Is Daddy going away again?”

  “Yes,” Judd answered, then added, “but I’ll be back tomorrow and we can talk again.” His eyes held Lanni’s. “I’ll see you first thing in the morning.”

  It was all she could do to nod.

  * * *

  —

  Judd felt Lanni’s round, frightened eyes follow him as he walked out the front door. He hadn’t expected her to deny him this request. He’d never asked for anything from her, not even visitation rights to see his daughter. Jade had frequently mailed him pictures of the little girl. He kept them in his wallet along with the photo he carried of Lanni. But he rarely looked at them. It hurt too much. Stuart’s letter had changed all that.

  As Judd walked out to his car, thoughts of his father produced a heavy frown. By the time the envelope had reached him, it had three different addresses penned across the surface. In all his years of working for the big oil companies, Judd could remember only a handful of times that he’d heard from his father. This letter had caught Judd by surprise. The old man was dying, and Stuart Samuel Matthiessen wanted to mend his fences. Stuart had asked to see Jenny before he died, and Judd wouldn’t deny him this last request.

  Seeing Lanni again was difficult, Judd mused with a sigh. He couldn’t look at her and not remember. He momentarily closed his eyes as a wave of whispered desire from the past swept over him, then he climbed into the car and headed toward the motel. Lanni was as breathtakingly lovely now as she’d been the day he’d left her and Jenny. Perhaps even more so. Her beauty had ripened. One look told him the cost of her struggle to gain that maturity. He was proud of her, and in the same moment experienced an overwhelming guilt that it had been him who had brought the shadow to her eyes.

  In the beginning, his intentions had been impeccable. He hadn’t expected the restlessness to return. For a year it hadn’t.

  At first the only symptoms of his discontent had been a few sleepless nights. He’d go to bed with Lanni, and after making love and holding her in his arms, Lanni would cling to him. She worried when he was late and fussed over him until he wanted to throw up his arms and ask her to give him some space. The family he’d wanted so much to become a part of disillusioned him. Lanni’s parents were wonderful people, but they wanted to control their lives, and, worse, Lanni couldn’t seem to get dressed in the morning without first checking with her mother. Judd felt the walls close in around him. The baby had helped give Lanni some independence, but not enough.

  The day Jennifer Lydia Matthiessen was born would long be counted as the most important of his life. There was nothing in this world that could duplicate the feelings of pride and love when the nurse handed him his newborn daughter. When she became ill, Judd was sick with worry. The doctor bills destroyed their budget and he couldn’t think of any option but to travel to the high-risk jobs that abounded for a man with his experience. And so he’d taken a job in the oil-rich fields of the Middle East. The money had been good, and the challenge was there. He didn’t try to fool himself by thinking that he didn’t miss Lanni and the baby—he did.

  On the trips home, Judd could see how unhappy Lanni was, but she’d only bury her face in his shoulder and beg him not to leave her again. They never talked, at least not the way they should. They were both caught up in acting out a role, pretending there were no problems. So he’d stayed on the oil fields, coming back to Seattle less and less often, avoiding the inevitable. Lanni didn’t understand the reason he’d stayed away, and Judd hadn’t the heart to tell her.

  Judd sighed and pulled the car into the motel parking lot. Turning off the ignition, he thought of the dark night ahead of him.

  * * *

  —

  Lanni waited until Jenny was in bed, sound asleep, before she called her sister’s number.

  “Jade, it’s Lanni.”

  “I’m so glad you phoned,” Jade said with an eager sigh. “I’m dying to find out what happened. What did Judd say about Steve?”

  “You wrote to him.” The words conveyed all the feelings of betrayal Lanni had harbored over the last two hours.

  Jade’s voice instantly lost its vivaciousness. “Yes, I wrote, but only because you wouldn’t.”

  At least she didn’t try to lie about it. Lanni was grateful for that. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “A hundred times I tried to talk about Judd, but you wouldn’t listen.”

  “I can’t believe that.”

  “I did, Lanni,” she cried. “Remember last weekend while we were at the mall? I asked you then if you were curious about Judd. I asked you, if you had a chance to know where he was, and what he was doing, if you’d want to know. Don’t you remember what you said?”

  Vaguely, Lanni recalled that the conversation had taken place, but the details of it eluded her. “No.”

  “You told me that for all you cared Judd could be rotting in hell.”

  “I wasn’t serious!”

  “At the time it sounded very much like you were. And last Christmas, do you remember how I tried to talk you into making some effort to contact him?”

  That Lanni remembered; she and Jade had exchanged heated words in that disagreement. But Christmases without Judd were always the worst. They’d met during the most festive season of the year. She’d been working part-time at the cosmetics counter of a department store and attending ni
ght school, still uncertain about what she wanted to do with her life. Then Judd had swept so unexpectedly into her existence. She’d been so naïve and so easily captivated by his worldliness. They were together every day until…

  “Lanni.”

  Jade’s concerned voice broke through the fog of memories.

  “Yes, yes, I’m here. I was just trying to remember…”

  “Judd only wrote a handful of times. I couldn’t refuse him. He loves you and Jenny, and wanted to know how you were—that’s only natural. You wouldn’t write to him, so I had to.”

  The anger dissipated. Lanni hadn’t meant to be cruel when she’d returned Judd’s letters. She couldn’t read his words and keep her mental health at the same time. She wanted him to stop telling her that he loved her and wanted her with him. She didn’t want to read about the exciting places he was living, where the sun was always shining and the white beaches sounded like paradise. He’d left her, walked out on her, and she couldn’t—wouldn’t—forgive him for that.

  “I’m sorry, Lanni. A thousand times I wanted to tell you. Especially when Jenny started asking questions about Judd. If you’d given me a hint that you were interested in contacting him, I would have given you his address.”

  “No.” Slowly Lanni shook her head. “You’re right, I wouldn’t have wanted to know. You did the right thing not to tell me.”

  “Then why do I feel so terrible?” Jade asked.

  “Probably because I came at you like a charging bull. I apologize.”

  “Don’t. I’m relieved that he’s here. Have you decided what you’re going to do about letting him take Jenny?”

  “No,” Lanni answered honestly. Every passing minute made the problem of Judd’s dying father more complex. Judd was right to want to take Jenny. And her apprehensions about the trip were equally strong.

  Lanni spoke with her sister a couple of minutes more, then replaced the telephone receiver.

  * * *

  —

  That night when she climbed between the sheets, memories of their first Christmas together crowded the edges of her mind.

  She’d been so much in love with Judd. He’d arrived in Seattle on his way to a job assignment in Alaska and decided to stay a few extra days in order to explore the city. Those days had quickly turned to weeks. They’d met on his second day in town, where Lanni was working in a downtown department store for the holidays.

  Lanni had helped Judd pick out a gift for his boss’s wife, and he’d casually asked her out to dinner in appreciation for the help she’d given him. Lanni had been forced to decline, although her impulse had been to accept his invitation. She was meeting her family that evening for an annual outing of Christmas caroling. As it turned out, Judd joined her and met her family, adding his deep baritone voice with her father’s and uncles’.

  From that first meeting, other dates had followed until they spent every available minute together. Each night it became more and more difficult to send him away.

  Lanni remembered. Oh, sweet heaven, she remembered the night they hadn’t stopped with kissing and touching…

  * * *

  —

  “Lanni, no more.” Judd had pushed himself away from her, leaning back against the sofa in her apartment and inhaling deep breaths in an effort to control his desire.

  In vivid detail, Lanni recalled the pain she saw on his face. “I love you,” she whispered urgently. “Oh, Judd, I love you so much, I could die with it.”

  “Lanni,” he begged, “don’t tell me that. Please don’t tell me that.”

  She’d been crushed at his harsh words. She wasn’t a fickle teenager who fell in and out of love at will, but a woman with a woman’s heart, and she was filled with desire for this man.

  “Oh, my sweet Lanni, don’t you know how much I love you?”

  “But…”

  His callused hands had cupped her face and tenderly he’d kissed her, drawing closer and closer to her mouth. Unable to bear this any longer, she removed her sweater, peeling it over her head. Judd had looked stunned. “What are you doing?”

  She’d grinned coyly and kissed the corner of his mouth. “What does it look like?”

  “Lanni!” His eyes were everywhere but on her. “You can’t do that.”

  “Sure I can.”

  Judd got up and stalked to the other side of the room. “This isn’t right.”

  “We love each other,” she countered. This was a night to be remembered. When he discovered that she was a virgin, he’d know how much she treasured what they shared.

  “I do love you.” He moaned, seemingly at odds with himself. “But I won’t do this. Making love with you now isn’t right.”

  “And it would be with another woman?”

  “Yes.”

  Lanni supposed she should be shocked and offended, but she wasn’t. “Are you saying that you won’t make love to me?”

  “Yes,” he fairly shouted.

  Smiling, Lanni eliminated the space that separated them and gently placed her hands on his shoulders. Standing on the tips of her toes, she brushed her mouth over his. Judd went rigid and groaned.

  “You didn’t believe me when I said I loved you. I only want to prove to you how much,” she challenged softly.

  “Lanni,” he begged, his voice so low it was barely audible. “Not like this.”

  “I’ve been waiting for you all my life,” she whispered. They had such little time. He was scheduled to fly into Anchorage the day after Christmas. “Can’t you see that what we share is rare and beautiful?”

  Judd tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “Oh, Lanni, you’re making this difficult.”

  “I love you, Judd. Love you, love you, love you. I’m giving you something I’ve never offered another man. What do I have to do to make you accept my gift?”

  He opened his eyes then and lowered his gaze to hers. Passion burned in their dark depths, consuming her with his need. “I’ll take your gift on one condition,” he’d said.

  “Anything.”

  “Marry me, Lanni. Tonight. This minute. I can’t wait for you any longer.”

  Three

  “Marry you?” Lanni replied softly. “But, Judd, why?”

  From the way he tossed his head back, Lanni suspected he’d dislocated several vertebrae. “The proper response to the question is yes. You’re not supposed to squabble with me. This isn’t the great debate.”

  “But what about your job?”

  “I’ll find one in Seattle. Don’t argue with me, Lanni. We’re in love, and people in love get married.”

  Lanni was enjoying this immeasurably. “People in love do other things.” She cozied up to him, reveling in the feel of her torso rubbing against his firm body.

  “No, they don’t. At least we don’t—won’t—until it’s right.” Before she knew what was happening, he took her sweater from the sofa and pulled it over her head, leaving the knit arms dangling at her sides. “I’m not touching you again until we’re married. And I don’t want to hear any arguments about it, either.” With all the purpose of a federal court judge, he marched to the chair and reached for his jacket. He stuffed his arms inside as though he couldn’t get away from her fast enough. “Well; hurry up,” he barked, when he noticed she hadn’t moved.

  “Where…are we going?”

  “To see your parents to talk about our wedding.”

  “But…”

  “You aren’t going to argue with me, are you?”

  Lanni had the distinct feeling that he wouldn’t hesitate to bite her head off if she did. “No.”

  He waved his index finger in her direction. “You better comb your hair, for heaven’s sake. One look at you and your family will know what we’ve been doing.”

  A quick glance in the bathroom mirror confirmed that what he’d sa
id was true. Her hair was mussed, her lips swollen and dewy from his kisses. Her face was flushed, but it beamed with happiness. Her eyes revealed an inner glow that came from loving Judd and being loved by him.

  By the time she rejoined him, he’d taken her coat from the hall closet and held it open for her. “I’d prefer a nice quiet ceremony, but if you want the whole shebang, then that’s fine, too.”

  “I…haven’t given it much thought.”

  “Well, the time is now. You’d better decide.”

  “Judd,” she said, then hesitated, not knowing how to voice her thoughts. She wasn’t even sure she should be saying anything. She wanted to be Judd’s wife. “You…You don’t seem very happy about this.”

  “I’m ecstatic.”

  “I can tell.” She folded her arms across her breasts and proudly shook her head. “I told you before, we don’t need to get married. I’m willing to…”

  “But I’m not.” His brow arched over frowning eyes. His scowling glare defied argument. “Who should I talk to first? Your father?”

  “I…guess.”

  “Well? What are you waiting for?”

  “You mean you want to talk to him now?” She checked her watch. “It’s almost eleven o’clock.”

  “Feeling the way I do now, he’ll be pleased that I’ve come to him instead of being here alone with you.”

  “Oh, Judd, am I tempting you?” She placed her hand on his shoulder and gazed lovingly into his dark eyes. “It’s the most heady feeling in the world to know you want me so much.”

  He broke the contact and his index finger flew at her again. “I’m not in any mood for your funny business.”

  “Right.” She swallowed down a giggle, but her gaze sobered when she noticed how serious Judd had become. “I do love you, you know.”

  “I don’t know why, but I’m not going to question it. I want everything you have for me, Lanni: a home, a family—love. I need it all.”

  Lanni needed it, too, although she hadn’t felt it was necessary until that moment.