The Secret Hours

by Santa Montefiore

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘I said, I won’t do it.’

  Hubert looked at his wife, who looked back at him helplessly. ‘Good God, girl! You simply don’t have a choice in the matter.’

  Arethusa stood up. ‘I do,’ she said, surprised by her own lack of fear. ‘The child I’m carrying belongs to me. I will not give it away. It is not an object one can disregard. It’s a human being and it will need its mother.’

  ‘What do you know about motherhood!’ he bellowed.

  ‘I know that it’s not natural for a mother to give away her child. I will not do it.’

  Hubert’s face had gone puce. It looked as if it might pop. ‘By Jove you will, even if I have to rip it from your arms and do it myself!’ His voice boomed, sending a spray of spittle into the air. ‘You will marry Ronald if it’s the last thing you do, although you don’t deserve him, or anyone else for that matter. You are soiled goods.’ He took a breath and wiped his mouth. ‘I should disown you, for the disrespect you have shown me. But I’m offering you a way out. I suggest you take it before I change my mind.’

  Arethusa clenched her fists and stood defiantly in front of her father whom she had never before disobeyed. ‘I don’t want to marry Ronald. I never did,’ she said. ‘I want to marry Jonas and have his child.’

  Hubert looked as if he was about to strike her. ‘Get out!’ he raged, pointing to the door. ‘Get out and don’t come back until you are ready to do as you’re told. Have you forgotten who you are? I will not be challenged, do you understand?’

  When Arethusa left the room her legs almost buckled beneath her. She realized she had lost control of her bladder. She held on to the banisters for support and heaved herself slowly up the stairs. She had never been spoken to like that in her life. She understood her father’s rage, what she had done was unforgivable, but still she couldn’t believe he could call his daughter a harlot. When she reached her bedroom she flung herself onto the bed and buried her face in the pillow. The tears she shed were not of unhappiness but of fury. How dare they tell her what to do with her baby!

  Eily found her there when she came to turn down her bed before supper. ‘I’m unwell,’ Arethusa told her. ‘And I’m not hungry.’

  ‘Shall I bring you something on a tray? You can’t go to bed on an empty stomach, Miss Arethusa.’

  ‘I can and I will. I want to be alone.’

  Eily left the room wondering what had happened. One of the footmen had heard a commotion in the sitting room and Mr Deverill raising his voice in anger. She didn’t believe Miss Arethusa was unwell and her sharp little antennae turned to consider all the possibilities.

  Concerned that Arethusa had not appeared for dinner, Charlotte went to her room. She found her packing a suitcase. ‘Tussy! What are you doing?’ she asked in alarm.

  ‘I’m leaving,’ Arethusa stated.

  ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘To London.’

  ‘On your own?’

  ‘What does it look like?’ she snapped.

  ‘But where are you going to stay?’

  Arethusa threw a garment into the suitcase. ‘I’ll go to Augusta’s. She’ll have me, for a while, at least.’

  ‘But what about the baby?’

  ‘What about it?’

  ‘You’re going to start showing very soon. You won’t be able to hide it. Are you sure London is the right place to be?’

  ‘I have to go somewhere.’ Arethusa sat on the bed and began to cry. ‘And I have nowhere else to go. I can’t stay here. Papa is going to disown me and Mama is going to stand by him, so I’ll get no support from her. I’m out in the cold on my own.’ Then she added melodramatically, ‘It’s just me and my child.’

  ‘What will you do for money?’

  ‘I will appeal to Rupert, or Aunt Poppy.’

  ‘You’re going to tell them?’

  ‘I have to.’

  ‘I think you’re being rash, Tussy. Let’s talk about it. Why not wait a few days? For your father to calm down. For everyone to calm down.’

  Arethusa looked at Charlotte with red-rimmed eyes. ‘They won’t change their minds, Charlotte, and I won’t change mine. I will not let them take my baby away. It is the only part of the man I love that I’m able to have.’ She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffed. ‘Perhaps it’s Fate, after all. I was never meant to marry Ronald. I’d be condemned to a dull and repetitive life. I’m meant for bigger things.’

  Charlotte sighed deeply, put her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes ponderously. ‘If you really have decided that you want to keep the baby, then you will have to have it where no one knows you. In secret. London is not the place for that.’

  ‘Then where do you suggest?’

  ‘America,’ said Charlotte with a shrug.

  ‘America? That’s very far away.’

  ‘I have connections in America,’ said Charlotte.

  Arethusa’s face lit up. ‘You do?’

  ‘Of course I do. I used to work there.’

  ‘Do you think you can help me?’

  ‘I think I can.’

  Arethusa leapt to her feet and ran to her governess. She took her hands and squeezed them. ‘Will you come with me? We could go together, just the two of us. We could start a new life in a new country. It will be an adventure. You were going to be looking for a new job after the wedding anyway. You were going to have to start again. So, start again, in America, and take me with you.’

  ‘I will come with you on one condition,’ said Charlotte.

  ‘What condition?’ Arethusa looked at her suspiciously.

  ‘That you tell your parents where you’re going. Don’t burn your bridges. You need them. You don’t realize now that you need them, but you do.’

  Arethusa pursed her lips. ‘I don’t know,’ she said, unconvinced.

  ‘At least give them the chance to put out the olive branch. Promise me you’ll write to them when you get to America and tell them where you are.’

  ‘All right, I will,’ Arethusa agreed. ‘I will tell them I am leaving. I’ll say goodbye.’

  ‘Then I will arrange our passages and our entry into the country.’ She looked at Arethusa with compassion. ‘Your parents will be devastated,’ she said.

  ‘No, they won’t,’ Arethusa replied. ‘I have appalled and disappointed them in equal measure. I don’t think they will ever get over it.’

  Chapter 30

  When Arethusa broke the news to her parents that she was going to America she did it in a calm and mature manner that surprised them. She requested an audience in the sitting room and waited for them to sit down, Hubert in the armchair by the fire, Adeline stiffly on the edge of the sofa. Arethusa noticed how pale and fragile her mother looked and how her father’s face had gone the colour of bull’s blood. Arethusa stood in the middle of the room. She took a deep breath and eyed them steadily and with confidence. She knew any sign of weakness would be seized upon and used to their advantage. She then proceeded to tell them that she had no intention of giving up her child and would therefore travel to America to have it there, where no one knew her. ‘I assure you there will be no scandal,’ she informed them gravely. ‘I will not sully the good Deverill name, I promise.’

  Hubert stared at her with a mixture of disbelief and disdain. ‘Do you have any idea what it’s like to raise a child without the support of a husband, Arethusa?’ he asked.

  ‘I am soon going to find out,’ she replied coolly.

  ‘It’s one thing to raise a child on your own but a black child . . . Good God, girl, you’re more of a fool than I thought you were.’

  ‘Darling,’ Adeline interrupted in a softer tone, appealing to her daughter with supplication rather than fury. ‘This is madness. You will be an outcast. No one will want to know you. What future will you have? Please think hard about what you’re intending to do. I beg of you, don’t throw your life away when you’ve only just begun to live it.’

  ‘A black c
hild, I ask you!’ Hubert muttered crossly.

  ‘Black or white, it’s a child, Father. Equal in the eyes of God,’ said Arethusa.

  Hubert could not argue with that. ‘And who the devil is going to pay for this elaborate trip?’ Hubert asked, outraged by her insolence. ‘Because you won’t get a penny from me. Not a penny!’

  ‘I will find the means.’ Arethusa did not want to tell them that she was going to ask Aunt Poppy and Rupert for money.

  ‘You know you can’t just wander into America, Tussy,’ said Adeline, hoping that the practicalities of the venture would deter her.

  ‘Charlotte has connections and is going to come with me. I won’t be on my own. Charlotte will look after me.’ Adeline looked surprised.

  ‘And who the devil’s going to pay for Charlotte, I ask you?’ Hubert exclaimed.

  ‘Charlotte is coming as my friend.’

  ‘She’s a bloody fool too. The pair of you are bloody fools!’

  ‘Perhaps I am a fool,’ said Tussy, lifting her chin. ‘But God will look kindly on me for not abandoning my child just because you think it’s the wrong colour!’

  ‘Don’t bring God into this, my girl!’ Hubert shouted. ‘You’ve never believed in God before, now’s not the time to start just because it suits you.’

  ‘I am doing the right thing as a human being. What you’re asking me to do is wrong.’ She folded her arms. ‘I stand by my decision.’

  Hubert stood up. ‘Then we have no more to discuss,’ he said in a quiet voice, and there was a finality in his tone, as well as a sense of defeat. Adeline’s mouth opened as if she was about to say something, but then it closed, as if she suddenly thought better of it. ‘Come, my dear,’ said Hubert to his wife. ‘Arethusa has made her choice and there’s nothing more to be said.’ He turned to Arethusa. ‘As far as I’m concerned you are no longer my daughter. No daughter of mine would treat her parents with such contempt. You are free to do whatever you choose. The parental ties have been severed. On your head be it.’

  Adeline’s face went grey. She looked at Arethusa and her eyes were laden with disappointment and pain. ‘I am at a loss for words,’ she said sadly. ‘But as your father said, you have made your choice. We have done all we can. I only hope that in time you will understand that our demands came from a good place.’ She put a tremulous hand on her breast. ‘We’ve only ever had your best interests at heart.’

  With that they left the room.

  Arethusa sank into the sofa and lost her gaze in the half-distance, too traumatized even to think. Every part of her was numb. She felt only a terrible emptiness.

  She was leaving; there was no going back.

  That afternoon Charlotte accompanied Arethusa in the pony and trap to Poppy’s house. ‘I’m not meant to tell anyone,’ she told her aunt as they sat side by side on the sofa in the small sitting room in her cottage. ‘But I don’t consider you anyone.’

  ‘What’s happened, Tussy? You look as if your whole world has fallen apart.’ Poppy smiled, because she didn’t imagine it had.

  Arethusa’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I have got myself into trouble, Aunt Poppy,’ she said, tightening the muscles in her face to stop herself crying. ‘I’m leaving for America, with Charlotte, and I won’t be coming back.’

  Poppy was horrified. ‘What kind of trouble?’ she asked, but her eyes dropped to Arethusa’s belly.

  ‘I’m pregnant,’ Arethusa stated and watched her aunt struggle to comprehend it.

  ‘My darling girl . . .’ Poppy took Arethusa’s hand. ‘My darling, darling girl. How . . .?’

  ‘That’s all I’m going to say about it,’ Arethusa cut in, throat constricting with emotion because there was so much she couldn’t say. ‘But as you can imagine Mama and Papa are furious with me. Naturally, they want me to give up the child.’

  ‘That would be the most sensible thing,’ said Poppy, her eyes full of compassion. ‘You’re not the first girl to get pregnant out of wedlock. There are ways of dealing with this problem. It does not have to ruin your life.’

  ‘But I won’t give it up,’ said Arethusa. ‘So, I have no option but to leave.’

  Poppy frowned. ‘Oh, Tussy. Are you sure that’s wise? Perhaps you’ve been too hasty in arriving at that decision. Have you given it enough thought? I mean, it’s all very romantic, but the practicalities of raising a child alone . . .’

  ‘I haven’t come here to be persuaded, Aunt Poppy. Believe me, Mama and Papa have tried. I’ve come here to ask you for help.’

  Poppy sighed resignedly. ‘Well, I was about to ask how you’re going to manage.’

  ‘I will pay you back as soon as I can.’

  ‘My dear, that won’t be necessary.’

  Arethusa began to cry with relief. Poppy pulled her into her arms and pressed her cheek against her hair. ‘Don’t cry, my dear. It’s going to be all right. You’ll manage. You’re a strong and courageous girl. I dare say you’ll work something out.’ Arethusa clung to her. She didn’t really feel very strong at all. The only thing keeping her going was the thought of writing to Jonas once the baby was born and telling him that she had given him a son. That was a fantasy she replayed over and over in the hope that it would come true. Once his child was born there would be no denying her. They’d have to marry.

  Poppy turned to the governess who was sitting in a wicker chair, sipping her tea quietly by the window, trying to look inconspicuous. ‘Now, Charlotte, tell me your plan. Who will vouch for Tussy once she arrives in New York and where are you going to stay?’

  ‘I have it all worked out,’ Charlotte replied confidently. ‘I have written to a dear friend of mine, the Reverend Brian Holmes, who I’m hoping will vouch for her. We are going to stay in New Jersey. I have a friend who can put us up.’

  ‘But you will need money,’ said Poppy. ‘I don’t have much, but my late husband did not leave me penniless. I have enough to give you a small allowance which will keep the wolf from the door.’

  ‘How will I ever thank you?’ said Arethusa with a sniff. ‘You’re the only person who understands.’

  Poppy took her face in her hands and wiped away her tears. ‘I longed for a child, Tussy, but Henry died before I conceived. Were I in your situation, nothing in the world would make me give away my child. Nothing.’ She smiled wistfully. ‘I understand your parents’ anger, Tussy. Anger is usually born out of fear and they fear for you and your future. Your father is a traditional man with traditional values. He is also a proud man.’

  ‘He has disowned me,’ said Arethusa.

  Poppy sighed heavily. ‘I thought as much. But it won’t be for ever. In time he will come to terms with it and forgive you.’

  ‘I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him, Aunt Poppy,’ said Arethusa, straightening her shoulders and raising her chin. ‘And I won’t ever forgive Mama for siding with him.’

  Rupert returned from Cumbria the day before Arethusa was due to leave for America. It was a drizzling and cold November day, but the two of them went for a walk up the beach all the same, and Arethusa told him the whole story. Rupert was not at all surprised that she was pregnant, but he was surprised that the father of her child was Jonas Madison. ‘What is it with you, Tussy?’ he said, raising his voice over the crashing waves and wind. ‘It’s as if you have a death wish. You choose not just an unsuitable man, but the most unsuitable man you can find. And then you get pregnant? Isn’t that wildly irresponsible, even for you?’

  ‘This isn’t a joke, Rupert,’ Arethusa snapped.

  ‘The pleasures of the flesh are very seductive, I agree, but you really should have restrained yourself.’

  ‘I know that now,’ she replied with a sigh. ‘But perhaps it’s a good thing I’m not going to marry Ronald. One has to be grateful for small mercies.’

  ‘You could have married anyone, Tussy,’ said Rupert sensibly. ‘If you didn’t like Ronald, why didn’t you say?’

  ‘Because it’s what Mama and Papa wanted and I was d
oing my duty.’

  ‘They would have been just as happy with someone else.’

  ‘I fell in love with Jonas. I didn’t want anyone else. But I couldn’t marry Jonas so I accepted Ronald. He was just as tolerable as all the other possible husbands. And I do like him, you know. I like him very much. As far as I can see, marriage has nothing to do with love. Ronald is a good man.’ She dropped her gaze onto the sand in front of her. ‘I would have been content with him.’

  ‘But you’re heading out to America where you’re going to give birth to this child and raise it on your own.’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘Enlighten me as to why?’

  ‘Because I’m not going to give up my child, Rupert. Surely you can understand that. You who know me better than anyone.’

  ‘And you’ll never marry.’

  ‘I’m going to marry Jonas,’ Arethusa retorted defiantly.

  ‘No, you’re not,’ said Rupert. He stopped walking and looked at his sister with surprising tenderness. ‘Because he already has a wife.’

  Arethusa stared at him. ‘Jonas has a wife?’

  Suddenly the beach and the ocean, even Rupert and his arms, which were reaching out to hold her, fell away. She closed her eyes and swayed as an inky black mist appeared behind them. ‘Jonas has a wife?’ she repeated feebly.

  Rupert held her wilting body against him. ‘You didn’t know?’ he asked gently. She shook her head, too devastated to speak. ‘Oh Tussy!’ he groaned. ‘What a mess.’

  ‘He told you he was married?’

  ‘I was being polite. I wasn’t remotely interested. If I had known how you felt I would have been very interested.’

  ‘He was married and he made love to me all the same?’

  Arethusa’s fantasy of Jonas hurrying to her bedside after she had given birth to his child was swiftly crushed, along with her belief in love. Now she had lost everything: her home, her family and her future. She had nothing but a child growing inside her to remind her of her naivety. ‘Don’t leave,’ he said. ‘Do as Papa commands. Ask his forgiveness. You have a chance to put all this right.’