After the Sky Fell Down

by Nugen Isbell, Megan

  “Ben would want you to be a part of this,” Val had insisted and Kathryn knew she was right.

  She forced herself into the shower and turned the water up as high as she could stand, allowing it to scald her, leaving her skin a light shade of red. Her mouth hung open, filling with the hot water. She willed it to consume her throat and lungs, to eliminate any feeling she had left in her body. She wasn’t sure if she was crying amongst the water splashing over her face. It seemed as if she hadn’t stopped crying since she’d said good-bye to Ben.

  She let the shower wash over her until the hot water had run out. She only turned it off after the frigid water had caused her to shake and chatter to the point she could no longer stand it. Once out of the shower, she wrapped herself in an oversized green towel that had been in the house for as long as she could remember and lumbered into her bedroom where she haphazardly pulled on a pair of jeans and a soft black sweater. She ran a brush through her hair only out of necessity, leaving it to air dry however it desired.

  Once downstairs, her mother offered to make her breakfast, but Kathryn couldn’t eat. Her stomach still felt queasy and nauseous and food was the last thing on her mind. Instead of eating, she laid on the couch like a lump staring at the blank television screen.

  “It’s time to go,” her mother said at ten o’clock.

  She followed her mom into the garage and buckled herself into the car, resting her head against the window and not saying a word during the drive to the funeral home.

  She’d driven by Stanson’s Funeral Home periodically throughout her life, but had never been inside. The large, white Victorian building was a lie, Kathryn thought when they pulled up to it. The neatly tended lawn and autumn decorations lining the porch created a false sense of happiness and normalcy, when it was nothing but a house of death and despair. As she stood at the foot of the walkway, looking up at the old building, she didn’t want to believe that somewhere in that cold house was Ben, alone and afraid.

  Her mother gathered the strength she knew Kathryn did not have and led her by the hand down the walkway and up the stairs to the ornate double oak doors. As the brass knob turned, the click seemed to echo in Kathryn’s ears signaling the beginning of the end of her life with Ben. The stinging tears returned, but the words Grandma Val had said to her at the hospital suddenly rang in her ears: Be strong for him, and she quickly wiped the tears away and walked a little taller…for Ben.

  Once inside she expected to be overcome with the smell of formaldehyde and bleach, but was surprised when the scent of lilacs and vanilla greeted her. A tall slender man with thinning gray hair, dressed impeccably in a navy blue suit entered the foyer. He smiled in a polite, gentle way that Kathryn was sure he’d perfected over the years working at a mortuary. It was a smile that was pleasant and cordial, but one that also sent condolences without any words.

  “May I help you?” the man asked.

  “I’m Maggie Lane. This is my daughter Kathryn. She’s here for um…for…” her mother struggled not knowing exactly what to say.

  “Ben Bradley,” Kathryn spoke up.

  The man nodded solemnly, folding his hands and bowing his head.

  “Yes, the Bradley’s will be here shortly. Would you like to sit in the parlor while you wait for them?” he said showing them to a room off the foyer lined with floral wall paper.

  Kathryn and her mother walked silently over to the couch and sat down side by side. She glanced around the room, admiring the lie from the inside. How many people had sat on this very couch feeling this same pain she was feeling now? Why did funeral homes even bother to try and mask what their real purpose was? She wanted to jump up and start clawing off the cheery wallpaper with her bare fingernails and paint it black. If the walls were black she wouldn’t have to hide and pretend that she was all put together like the perfect Victorian room.

  Just then, she heard the click of the brass doorknob and the sounds of footsteps entering the foyer. The tall man in the navy blue suit walked slowly past the doorway to the parlor with the same smile he’d greeted Kathryn and her mother with. She could hear his muffled voice and then the voices she would know anywhere: the voices of Ben’s family. Grandma Val’s figure appeared in the parlor a moment later. She smiled through her glistening eyes that were obviously wet with tears. Kathryn stood up and walked over to the frail woman who hugged her immediately. She looked over Val’s shoulder and saw the rest of the family: Dom, Scott, Luke, Allie and then Sharon, who seemed to have aged twenty years since she’d last seen her, even though it had only been a couple of days. The same empty eyes she’d had at the hospital stared at nothing. She looked haggard and tired as if she hadn’t slept and her face was puffy and swollen from the constant tears.

  Then the sad eyes of Ben’s mother met those of his fiance, the only girl Ben had ever loved, and Kathryn could’ve sworn she saw a light flicker in them. Sharon walked past her family and over to Kathryn, who she immediately embraced and held onto tightly.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” Sharon whispered softly into her ear. “Ben loved you so much.”

  With those words, Kathryn joined in Sharon’s sobs and the two women who loved him most in the world found solace in each other’s grief.

  ****

  She couldn’t help but make the comparison between casket shopping and car shopping. All the shiny new models lined the walls, polished to perfection, each doing their best to grab the attention of grieving family members. As the Bradley’s walked around the room, listening to the tall man in the navy blue suit, who Kathryn had learned was named Ken Stanson, describe the pros and cons of each casket, her fingers glided over the soft, glossy finishes. She stopped in front of a simple black one that reminded her of the limousine Ben had rented to take her to prom in their senior year. She gently patted the blindingly white pillow and gathered sides. Her stomach turned knowing this is where Ben would soon be lying…forever. She lurched forward and then felt a hand slide around her waist to steady her. She looked up at the face of Luke who was holding her up. Her heart ached as she stared into his eyes. She’d never really looked at Luke. She’d noticed the family resemblance between him and Ben. It was obvious they were brothers with the same dusty hair, except Luke’s was slightly darker. But now as she truly looked at him for the first time, she discovered Luke and Ben shared the same hazel eyes. The same brown and green flecks danced around the iris just as Ben’s had. She was certain she was looking into Ben’s eyes.

  “Ben?” she said distortedly.

  The hazel eyes began to dart away with confusion and concern before meeting Kathryn’s eyes again.

  “Uh…no,” he said looking around, not quite knowing what he should do, but the sound of Luke’s voice immediately brought her back to reality.

  “Oh my gosh, Luke. I’m so sorry. I’m so embarrassed,” she said looking away.

  “It’s okay.”

  “I just…it was just…your…your eyes. They look so much like Ben’s. I…I guess I got…confused. I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” he said reassuring her. He held her hand supportively and led her back to the group who were hovering around a casket.

  “This one,” Sharon said, holding onto a glossy mahogany casket. “This is the one.”

  “It’s a very nice choice Mrs. Bradley,” Mr. Stanson said agreeably.

  ****

  The family crowded into Ken Stanson’s office. He spoke softly going over paperwork and arrangements. Kathryn only heard bits and pieces though. Her mind was wandering, wondering where in this house Ben was. She wanted to go to him, to make sure he was okay. The thought of him lying by himself was killing her.

  “And what will Ben be wearing?” Ken Stanson asked routinely.

  “We have his gray suit in the car. He’ll be wearing that. He always looked so handsome in that suit, don’t you think so?” Sharon asked, looking around the room for support. Everyone nodded in agreement. “I remember he had to get that suit for Tracey’s wedding,
remember that?” she asked, referring to his cousin’s wedding last spring. Again, she looked around at her family for support and then continued to speak in a quick, frazzled voice. “He complained about having to dress up, but he looked so handsome. And Luke, you got the black suit and my two boys looked so handsome that day. That was such…” and then she was quiet. Scott had reached over and touched her knee, drawing her back to the task at hand. And then she started laughing. The room grew silent and everyone stared at Sharon whose laughter grew louder and louder.

  “Can you believe this?” she cackled in a voice Kathryn had never heard before. “Can you believe this? Here we are sitting around planning Ben’s funeral. We’re discussing his wardrobe, choosing his coffin. Can you believe this Scott?” she said laughing to her husband. She began to get hysterical with laughter and cries. Scott stood up and eased his wife out of her chair.

  “Excuse us,” Scott said, leading her out of the room, her laughter growing fainter as they made their way further and further down the hall. Soon, the room was eerily quiet. Kathryn looked around at the faces of everyone else who were all staring at the ground. Mr. Stanson was shuffling quietly through papers on his desk. It remained silent for the next few minutes until Sharon and Scott reentered the room and they took their places in the seats in front of Mr. Stanson’s desk.

  “I’m so sorry Mr. Stanson,” Sharon said. “Please continue.”

  “It’s perfectly understandable, Mrs. Bradley. Take all the time you need. Are you sure you’re ready to proceed?”

  “Yes. Yes, I’m ready.”

  Chapter 6

  Has it really been five days?Kathryn asked herself when she woke up after another drug induced sleep. Six days ago Ben had been alive and with her. He’d lain in bed with her, holding her and kissing her. Six days ago he’d proposed to her.But five days ago, Ben had died and today was his funeral.

  She hadn’t left the house since going to the funeral home.She’d hardly spoken to anyone and barely left her room. Her mom had gone to Macy’s and bought her a new dress for the service. It was black, of course, with a shallow v-neck and mid-length sleeves and it hung down to her knees. She paired it with a pair of black pumps and around her neck she clasped the silver crucifix Ben had given her for Christmas last year. She dried her blonde hair so that it hung past her shoulders, sleek and straight to the middle of her back. She figured if she left it down she might be able to hide behind it and not have to face anyone.

  She walked downstairs where her parents were waiting. Her father was in the only suit he owned and Kathryn couldn’t recall the last time she’d seen him in it. Her mother was wearing a black skirt and blouse and was doing her best to hold everyone together.

  “Are you ready to go?” her mother asked.

  Kathryn nodded and followed her family into the garage and sat down in the backseat of her father’s SUV. No one said anything as they drove to the church. The funeral started at eleven o’clock with graveside services following. However, there was a private viewing for family an hour earlier.

  As her father pulled the car into the parking lot of St. James church, she still couldn’t believe this was all happening. It seemed surreal. She had no idea what to expect when she saw Ben for the first time. Part of her wanted to beg her father to turn the car around and go home. She wanted to remember Ben as he had been, not as what he was now. Would it even look like Ben? She tried to imagine what she would see and the thought frightened her. She immediately replaced the chilling mental image with one of Ben from their last night together, when he’d asked her to marry him, and focused on that instead.

  She saw the familiar cars in the parking lot when they pulled in. Ben’s family was already at the church. She slowly opened the door and stepped out, her heels making a loud clanking noise on the asphalt. The November air was cool and crisp and still trying to make up its mind between autumn and winter. She shuddered and pulled the black wrap her mom had given her before leaving the house tighter around her shoulders. She walked sandwiched between her parents into the church, stopping to dip her fingers in the holy water in the entryway and blessing herself with the sign of the cross before stepping into the chapel.

  St. James was an old New England church, made with jagged, gray bricks. A tall square steeple towered over the grounds. Inside, it was lined with ornate stained glass windows and bare wooden pews. It seemed lonely this morning except for a few altar boys pacing quietly at the pulpit.

  Out of the corner of her eye, Kathryn saw Ken Stanson from the funeral home approaching her. He looked the same as when she’d first met him, the same fake look and navy blue suit.

  “Hello Kathryn,” he said quietly, although his voice seemed to echo in the huge church. “The Bradley’s are already in the back. Please follow me.”

  Without words, she followed Mr. Stanson, her parents staying a step behind her. He opened a door a few moments later and led them into a small room. Ben’s family was clustered inside and they looked up when the door opened. Everyone wore the same blank look of grief and disbelief. She walked over to them and Grandma Val wrapped her in her arms and Grandpa Dom patted her on the back. She made her rounds hugging Ben’s family, but quickly noticed Scott and Sharon were missing. She looked towards the far end of the room and saw their backs turned to the group, standing in front of the mahogany casket they’d picked out at the funeral home. Kathryn’s eyes stared at the casket and at the hunched figures of Ben’s parents. Sharon’s head was down and Scott’s arm was wrapped around his wife. Her heart seemed to stop and all the breath left her. Her knees felt weak again and she grabbed onto the nearest thing to support her, which happened to be Luke’s arm. He held her up for a moment before she started walking towards Ben. Everyone seemed to part like the Red Sea as she made her way to the back of the room. She felt as if she were an inmate on death row being led to her own execution. She knew once she reached the casket her life would be over. She may still be alive, but she might as well be dead.

  Her steps were slow and uncertain as she neared the casket. Scott and Sharon must have heard her coming because when she was only a few feet away, they both turned around. Behind them, she could see the lid of the casket was open. In just a moment she would see Ben. She closed her eyes and made the final steps towards him. Once at the edge of the casket, she felt Sharon’s arm resting softly on her back. Kathryn took a deep breath and then slowly opened her eyes.

  As they came into focus, she felt her stomach get queasy. She lowered her gaze and then gasped, holding her hands to her chest. A lifeless Ben was lying before her, his eyes closed and his hands folded on his stomach. She couldn’t help but think he looked like a wax figure. His skin was glossy and slightly pink. It was obvious they had put makeup on him to help him look more lifelike. She didn’t like it and she knew Ben wouldn’t like it either. The body in front of her was Ben, but it didn’t look like the Ben she’d known. She was certain he wasn’t in that body and she wanted to believe he was in a better place, perhaps even here with her.

  Sharon began to stroke Ben’s hair, making sure it was just right.

  “I think they did a nice job,” she said quietly.

  “Yes,” Kathryn lied and began staring at his folded hands. She wanted to reach over and hold his hands in hers, but was afraid to. She felt ashamed at being afraid to touch him. She shouldn’t be scared of Ben, but then again, this wasn’t Ben. It was his shell, but not him. Still, she wanted to feel the touch of his skin once more. She nervously reached up, her hand hovering over the edge of the casket for a second before she finally moved it forward and covered his folded hands with hers. His skin was cold and hard, without any feeling of Ben left. When she’d last held his hands at the hospital he was technically still alive. His skin had been warm and moist and his fingers had been limp and moveable. Now his skin was the complete opposite and his fingers were hard and stiff. However, she didn’t jerk away. She kept her hand resting on his, treasuring the last few moments she would ever feel him.<
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  “We’ll give you a minute,” Scott said and led his wife away.

  The hushed voices from behind seemed to fade away. Although there were other people in the room, Kathryn felt more alone than any other time in her life. The only person that mattered, the only person she wanted to talk to, was lying in front of her in a coffin. She would never talk to him again, never hold him, never kiss him, or tell him she loved him. She closed her eyes and prayed that he would suddenly sit up and tell her this had all been some sick joke, but when she opened her eyes, he was still tucked neatly inside the casket. She leaned over him until her face was just inches from his and she began to whisper into his ear.

  “I love you Ben. I hope you can hear me. I want you to know how much I have loved you and how much I still love you. I hope you’re not scared wherever you are. I hope you’re not alone because that’s what scares me the most, that you’re all alone. Just remember how much I love you and I will never love anyone the way I love you,” she whispered as her eyes filled with tears that fell softly down her face and splashed onto Ben’s lifeless cheeks. She closed her eyes and leaned in, kissing him gently on his cold, dry lips. When her lips met his, she felt a sudden burst of warmth wrap around her entire body and she could’ve sworn she heard him whisper I love you too from behind her. She jerked around quickly, searching for the source of the voice, but of course, he wasn’t there. It had been her mind playing tricks on her, willing Ben to come to her one last time. She glanced one more time at him and hurried back to her parents’ side.