After the Sky Fell Down

by Nugen Isbell, Megan

  As she stood in front of the door to the apartment, she took a deep breath before turning the brass knob and stepping inside. It was just as she had remembered and she took notice that Lacey had attempted to clean up for her return. There were no Easy Mac containers or soda cans lying around and the air smelled like vanilla from the candle she was burning.

  “Kathryn!” Lacey said excitedly when she heard the door close, entering the living room.

  Lacey stood awkwardly for a moment not knowing what to say or do. She hadn’t seen Kathryn since the funeral.

  “Hey,” she said quietly.

  “Do you need help with anything?”

  “No. I’ve just got this one duffle bag. Most of my stuff’s still here.”

  The two friends stood staring at each other, neither knowing if they should address the elephant in the room. Lacey didn’t know if Kathryn wanted to talk about Ben and Kathryn didn’t know if she should talk about Ben.

  Lacey walked up to Kathryn and hugged her, which surprised her. Lacey had never been a hugging kind of person. It felt awkward and forced, but Kathryn appreciated the effort.

  Dropping the duffel bag in the doorway, she went and sat down on the couch, followed by Lacey. She stared around the room suddenly feeling as if real life was hitting her like a ton of bricks. She couldn’t hide out and mourn forever. She had to live her life and it wouldn’t wait anymore, no matter how much she wanted it to. People were going to stop forgiving her because she was in mourning. Soon, she’d be held accountable for her actions again.

  “How are you doing?” Lacey finally asked her.

  Kathryn shook her head and felt her eyes begin to sting with tears. She used the sleeve of her sweatshirt to dab them away before they fell. “Not good.”

  “I’m so sorry. I still can’t believe it. The apartment’s been so quiet without you…and Ben,” she said hesitating. “I still expect him to come barging in and start making fun of me. He was so funny and I…” Lacey rambled until she was cut off.

  “Please Lacey, don’t,” Kathryn said flatly. Lacey stared at her friend confused. “I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to sit around and laugh about the good ol’ times with Ben. I can’t do it, so please don’t.”

  “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought…I don’t know what I thought,” Lacey apologized.

  “I’m going to my room,” she said standing up and grabbing her duffle bag.

  “Just so you know, I didn’t go in your room. I didn’t touch anything.”

  Kathryn nodded and then made way down the hall, leaving a sorrowful Lacey alone on the couch.

  Her room was exactly as she’d left it the morning she’d rushed to the hospital. The covers were strewn about and clothes sprinkled the floor from her mad dash to get dressed. The pictures of her and Ben instantly caused her pain and she walked around the room, gently laying them face down so she couldn’t look at them. Seeing the pictures of him was just too much. Thoughts of him were with her every second, but for some reason seeing his pictures as she walked back into her room was more than she could take.

  She didn’t bother to unpack the duffel bag. Instead, she kicked off her shoes and crawled into bed, wanting to bury herself in the covers, the same covers she’d last shared with Ben. As she pulled the comforter closer to her, something caught her eye. The blanket unfolded more and a piece of white material fell from the folds, falling next to her. She gasped when she realized what it was. Ben had left an undershirt behind and it had gotten lost in the covers. She stared at it, almost afraid to touch it, but then she snatched it up, pressed it to her chest, and breathed it in. Although it had been hidden for nearly two months, it still smelled faintly of his Old Spice deodorant. She held it tightly to her face, soaking it with the tears that were gushing from her eyes, and then suddenly clutched her stomach, afraid she might be sick.

  ****

  She had taken a sedative to get to sleep. She had been taking them ever since her father had given her one the first night. It was the only way she could turn off her thoughts and the ache and get some rest. She had a deep, dreamless sleep, exactly the kind she liked, and woke up the next morning feeling numb and empty as always. She went downstairs where Lacey was making breakfast.

  “Good morning,” Lacey said as she turned a pancake. “I figured I’d make us breakfast. The bacon’s done, now I’m just waiting on these,” she said pointing to the griddle.

  “Thanks,” Kathryn said walking over to the counter and grabbing a greasy piece of bacon. She bit into it and her stomach began to turn. She dropped the bacon and ran to the bathroom, making it just in time. She rinsed her mouth when she was done and went back into the kitchen where Lacey was staring at her with concern.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” Kathryn said taking the plate of bacon over to their small dining table. Lacey followed with the pancakes and a jug of orange juice. They sat down and began filling their plates. Kathryn drenched her pancakes with the warm syrup that was waiting on the table. As she smeared the syrup around, she laid the fork down in defeat.

  “I’m sorry Lacey, but I don’t think I can eat this,” she finally said, her stomach feeling nauseous again.

  “Is your stomach still bothering you?”

  “Yeah. I haven’t felt the best lately. I must be getting a bug or something.”

  “I heard you throw up yesterday morning when you got here too,” Lacey said raising her eyebrows.

  “Like I said, I think I have a stomach bug. I’ll be fine,” she assured her friend, taking a bite of the pancakes and then regretting it.

  “Are you sure it’s just a stomach bug?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “Are you sure?” Lacey asked again.

  “I’m fine Lacey,” Kathryn said starting to get annoyed. “What are you getting at?”

  “Is there any way it might not be just a stomach bug?”

  “Yes! What else could it be?” Kathryn responded with frustration.

  “Could you…I mean is it possible…” Lacey stammered and then backed off. “Never mind.”

  “Wait,” Kathryn laughed suddenly understanding what Lacey was being so cryptic about. “You think I’m pregnant?”

  “I don’t know. Could you be?” Lacey asked in such a low whisper that Kathryn barely heard her.

  She stopped, dropping the fork onto the plate with a loud clank. Part of her wanted to jump up and start screaming at Lacey for making such a ridiculous insinuation, but the other part, the logical part, remained calm and began thinking about what Lacey had just said. For the last couple of months she had been nauseous nearly every morning. She had attributed that to the grieving process. She had also gained weight, but again, she had blamed this on Ben’s death. While she still found it difficult to eat, when she did, it was all the wrong foods, junk and empty calories. That had been the cause of the weight gain, or so she thought. And now that she was thinking about it, she couldn’t recall the last time she’d had a period. She had been so consumed with Ben’s death, she had completely neglected herself. Suddenly her abdomen was filled with nerves and dread and her stomach felt sick again. Then she met Lacey’s eyes.

  “Kathryn…” Lacey said quietly.

  “Oh my gosh,” was all she could say.

  ****

  Kathryn sat nervously in the living room, her knee bobbing up and down uncontrollably. Lacey had volunteered to go to the drug store to pick up a pregnancy test. She knew Kathryn didn’t have the energy or ability to do it herself and before she could ask her, Lacey was already grabbing her keys, telling her she’d take care of it. That had been a half an hour ago. She should be back any moment. She wouldn’t let her mind think about the possibility of what might lie ahead. Instead, she closed her eyes and began singing the first song she could think of, Yankee Doodle, silently in her head over and over to block out the thoughts until she heard the jangling of the doorknob. She opened her eyes and Lacey stood in the doorway with a pl
astic bag. She quickly walked over to Kathryn and sat next to her on the couch.

  “I didn’t know which one to get,” Lacey said beginning to unload the bag. A second later, three pregnancy tests lay sprawled out between the two girls.

  Kathryn mindlessly grabbed the first test, E.P.T. The so-called “error proof test”, and ripped the box open. She pulled out the small white pamphlet and began reading through the directions.

  “I guess I just have to pee on the end of this stick and wait five minutes,” she said holding up the foreign object. She’d never actually seen a pregnancy test in real life and thought it looked like a thermometer.

  “I’ll wait here,” Lacey said as Kathryn headed into the bathroom.

  Kathryn closed the door behind her and when she was done, she carefully set the test on the counter. She walked out of the bathroom and directly into the kitchen, setting the timer on the stove for five minutes before rejoining Lacey in the living room.

  “I guess we just wait now,” Kathryn said quietly and the two girls stared at each other with nervous eyes.

  “Is it even possible?” Lacey asked her a second later. “I mean…Ben’s been gone almost two months now.”

  Kathryn searched through her memories and knew it was possible and nodded to her friend.

  “I guess it could be possible. We were together about a week before he died and then the night he died, when he proposed, but we used protection. We always used protection,” she said staring off, thinking of that last time together as she twisted the ring she still wore on her finger.

  Kathryn had always planned on waiting until she was married, but with Ben, it had been impossible. She loved him so deeply and wanted to be as close to him as humanly possible. They had fought the urges, but always found themselves in compromising positions. When he touched her, it was as if she lost all control of herself, sending tingles throughout her body and a burning inside her she had never known. He kissed and caressed her in all the right places and they both knew they couldn’t fight it forever. Finally a year into their relationship, during their senior year, on a perfect night while her parents were out of town, they finally gave in. She remembered being scared and exhilarated at the same time. Ben had looked into her eyes and asked, “Are you sure?” before she smiled and nodded. When it was all over, he collapsed onto her chest. She wrapped her arms around him, his heavy breathing sounding like a hurricane in her ear. “I love you Kathryn. I love you so much,” he was saying over and over to her as he clung to her as if he’d never let go. She didn’t say anything though. She just smiled and gently stroked his back. It had been amazing and she had wanted to stay like that forever.

  Things had changed since then as they became more familiar with each other, but the night he’d proposed had been as perfect as their first time together. They’d gone back to her apartment and picked up where they’d left off before they’d gone to dinner. The closeness it brought to them was her favorite part. It was as if the whole world melted away and they were the only two people on the planet. She felt safe and protected in his arms, and as she now sat waiting for the little stick to reveal its answer, she could almost feel his arms around her again.

  Lacey had remained silent as Kathryn was lost in thought, but suddenly both girls’ heads jerked up as the oven timer started to beep. Lacey jumped up and walked quickly into the kitchen to turn it off. Kathryn stood up nervously and began her walk to the bathroom.

  The test was still sitting innocently on the counter, not realizing it may have the information that could change her life forever. She gently picked it up, slowly raising it into her sights and then in black and white, in plain English, she had her answer. PREGNANT.

  She felt her knees begin to buckle and she sat down on the edge of the bathtub before she could lose her balance. Lacey appeared in the doorway a moment later, looking at her friend for answers. Kathryn simply nodded, gesturing towards the test, and Lacey’s hand flew to her mouth in shock.

  “Let’s try another one,” she said urgently beginning to turn away to get another test.

  “No,” Kathryn said quietly. “This one is right. I don’t need to take another test.”

  Lacey came and sat down next to her.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know,” she said in a low voice, but as she said it, her hand reached up to her stomach, gently resting her open palm on her abdomen and smiled, knowing that a piece of Ben, a piece of them, was growing inside of her.

  Chapter 9

  Kathryn stared around the sterile room, fixated on the medical diagrams portraying fetal development and ovulation cycles. She’d been in this room before for her yearly well woman checkups, but this visit was different. She had called her gynecologist shortly after reading the results of the pregnancy test the day before and luckily they were able to get her in for an appointment the following morning. Lacey had offered to come with her, but Kathryn wanted to do this alone. The only person she wanted with her was Ben, and since he couldn’t be there, she didn’t want anyone there.

  Dr. Ware, who had been her doctor since she first started going for checkups, walked into the room, closing the door gently behind her. She was an older woman, with white hair and kind eyes.

  “Hello Kathryn. It’s nice to see you,” Dr. Ware said in her usual calm voice.

  “Hi,” Kathryn said nervously, not knowing what the doctor would say to her or what she was thinking.

  “So, I have the results of your test from the sample you gave the nurse when you first came in,” she said, pulling up a small stool on wheels until she was sitting only a couple of feet from Kathryn, who sat with her hands folded in her lap and her legs dangling off the exam table. She waited, holding her breath, until Dr. Ware began speaking again. “You are pregnant.”

  Kathryn nodded, having already known the answer. Her eyes began to fill with tears though as she heard what she’d already known solidified.

  “I take it this wasn’t a planned pregnancy.”

  “No. No, it wasn’t.”

  “You have options Kathryn. Have you told the father?”

  Kathryn shook her head and the tears began to fall, although she remained quiet.

  “Are you still involved with the father?”

  “The father’s dead,” she sniffled and the room became instantly silent.

  Kathryn could tell this revelation had shocked the doctor, who leaned back slightly and her eyes widened as the words registered. Their eyes met and Kathryn could tell the woman did not know what to say.

  “My fiancé died two months ago from a brain aneurysm.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Dr. Ware said kindly.

  The room fell silent again and she reached over to the counter and handed Kathryn a box of tissues. She grabbed two gratefully and began dabbing her eyes.

  “Do you have any idea how far along you might be?” the doctor asked.

  “I’m not sure.”

  “When was your last period?”

  “I really don’t know. We were together about a week before he died though and then again the night he…passed away, which was November fifteenth.”

  “Let’s have a look then,” Dr. Ware said.

  She gave Kathryn a gown to change into, which she did quickly. The doctor reentered the room with a young nurse a few minutes later and told her to lie back on the table. Kathryn turned her head to the monitor on the machine which showed specks of black and white. She couldn’t tell what she was looking at it. The doctor’s eyes stared intently at the monitor and then stopped a few moments later.

  “This is your baby,” she said pointing to the screen.

  Kathryn stared at it, but couldn’t tell what the doctor was looking at.

  “It’s right here,” she said circling around an image that couldn’t have been bigger than a peanut.

  And then she saw it. She saw their baby. It was growing inside of her.

  “It looks as if you’re about ten weeks along and things are prog
ressing nicely. If I made a guess right now, I’d say you’re due in mid-August,” the doctor told her. “Would you like to hear the heartbeat?”

  Kathryn nodded. Dr. Ware pushed a button and a strong whoosh-whoosh-whoosh sound came flooding through the machine. Kathryn clasped her hand to her mouth and began to cry. These were different than the tears she’d been crying for the past two months though; these were tears of joys.

  “Is that really the heartbeat?” she asked breathlessly.

  “Yes. It’s nice and strong.”

  “It’s amazing,” Kathryn said wiping her tears.

  Dr. Ware left the monitor on for a little while longer and Kathryn closed her eyes, soaking up the sound as long as she could. The heartbeat echoed in her ears, telling her that Ben was still alive. He was still alive in his child. She felt a warmth come over her and she imagined it was Ben standing beside her, witnessing this miracle with her.

  After Dr. Ware removed the paddle, she and the nurse left and Kathryn put her clothes back on. The doctor returned a few minutes later and sat back down on the stool.

  “How are you doing with all of this?” she asked Kathryn.

  “I really don’t know what to think.”

  “It’s a lot to take in, but you seem happy.”

  “I think I am,” Kathryn admitted. “I thought I’d lost him forever, but now we’re going to have a baby and that baby’s half of him.”

  “What was his name? Your fiancé.”

  “Ben,” Kathryn answered with a smile. “He asked me to marry him the night…the night he died.”

  She saw Dr. Ware close her eyes momentarily as she listened to Kathryn’s story, not quite knowing what to say.

  “You’ve got some big decisions ahead of you,” she finally began. “You might even consider seeing a counselor through all of this because it’s very important you keep yourself as healthy and balanced as possible during pregnancy. I’m going to write you a prescription for some prenatal vitamins and here’s the name of a wonderful counselor in case you’re interested,” Dr. Ware said scribbling onto a piece of paper and handing it to Kathryn before going over all the dos and don’ts of pregnancy with her. “I want to see you back in a month. Take care of yourself until then,” Dr. Ware said once they were finished talking.