After the Sky Fell Down

by Nugen Isbell, Megan

  “Kathryn!” Luke’s voice called from behind her.

  She turned around and saw him walking quickly to catch her. She stopped and waited for him.

  “I’m sorry. I knew that wasn’t a good idea. I tried telling my mom,” he said apologetically and for a moment she forgot about everything going on between them.

  “Don’t apologize Luke. Your mom didn’t do anything wrong. I just shouldn’t be here.”

  “Don’t say that,” he told her.

  “No. I shouldn’t be here. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep holding on to something that’s not here anymore and that’s what I’m doing. Seeing Ben on that screen was just too much. It was like he was alive again and he’s not. How much longer am I going to go through this? I keep putting myself in situations and I’m sucked right back in,” her voice began to rise, but she didn’t cry. She was angry, angry at everything: angry at life, angry that this had happened, angry at Ben for leaving her and angry that she had no control over anything anymore.

  “Kathryn,” he said quietly stepping towards her as if he wanted to embrace her.

  “And you,” she said pointing firmly at him, stopping him in his tracks. “You’re not helping anything.”

  “What?” he asked.

  “You left me Luke. You left us. You just abandoned us because you couldn’t get your way. After everything we’ve been through you just walked away.”

  “I left because I love you and I can’t stand not to be with you, and I’m sorry for that. I want to come back, but I don’t know if you even want me back or if I should even be there anymore. You’re okay now. You don’t need me anymore.”

  “Maybe not, but you didn’t even give me the chance to make that decision. You decided for me and you decided for Sarah,” she said looking at her daughter, who was obviously becoming uncomfortable with the confrontation between Kathryn and Luke.

  “You’re right,” he said quietly.

  “Everything that’s happened between us has just messed everything up and it needs to stop. You…” she said sternly and then hesitated for a moment, thinking. “No, you and I both need to stop using each other to hang onto Ben because I’ve already lost him and now I’ve lost you too.”

  “Kathryn, just calm down and let’s talk about this,” he said insistently.

  “I’m perfectly calm and there’s nothing to talk about. Ben’s gone. Jace is gone and you’re gone. It’s pretty simple. I’ve got to learn how to live my life on my own because I’m the only person I can count on. I’ve got to take care of my daughter and I’ve got to stop relying on other people to do that.”

  “No Kathryn…” he began.

  “I can’t rely on anyone because everyone leaves me. Everyone leaves!” she cried as she clutched Sarah.

  “Kathryn,” Luke said stepping next to her, trying to wrap his arms around her.

  “Don’t Luke,” she cried, wiggling away from his arms and turning towards her car.

  “Kathryn, please don’t go,” he pleaded.

  “I’ve got to.”

  “Please,” he said reaching for her again.

  “I’ve gotta go,” she said again quietly and fumbled with her keys until the door was unlocked. She buckled Sarah into her car seat as Luke continued to protest. Kathryn just ignored him though and got inside. As she drove away, she watched Luke fade in the distance in the rearview mirror and she knew what she had to do.

  Chapter 50

  She waited for Luke at the same clearing by the beach they’d gone to the night they’d gone star gazing. Only this time the stars were hidden by a sea of clouds and the white-capped waves crashed loudly into the shore. A breeze blew off the ocean and she hugged herself tighter, trying to stay warm.

  After Jace had walked in on them, she hadn’t known what to do. She knew she couldn’t just ignore what had happened and the last time she’d spoken to him was as she was yelling at him in the driveway of the Bradley’s house. She had to straighten this out with Luke. They couldn’t keep going on like this. She’d texted him asking him to meet her at the beach. She was surprised he’d agreed and she waited for him nervously, not quite sure what she was going to say.

  Just then, the familiar sound of the big blue truck cut through the noise of the rolling waves and she heard the door shut and footsteps walking through the clearing. She turned to see Luke’s dark silhouette coming into view. His hands were stuffed into the black winter coat he was bundled in and she could see his breath as he approached her.

  “Hi Luke.”

  “Hey,” he responded quietly and then they walked silently side by side through the thicket until they were on the beach. Kathryn sat down a few feet from where the tide was coming in. Luke sat beside her and they were quiet with just the sound of their breath and the waves to break up the silence.

  “I was surprised you wanted to talk,” Luke finally said. “You seemed pretty pissed off at me the other night.”

  “I’m just so confused.”

  “Confused? I thought you and Jace had it all figured out,” Luke said with a hint of sarcasm.

  “He broke up with me,” she said flatly.

  She looked over to him, expecting to see a victorious smile, but his lips remained in a firm line.

  “I’m sorry,” he said softly and she was shocked at the words.

  “Yeah, me too, but he needed to find out. I just wish it hadn’t been the way he did. I wish I could’ve told him.”

  “And what would you have told him?” he asked.

  She sighed and thought for a moment. How would she ever have explained to Jace what had happened between her and Luke when she herself didn’t really understand it?

  “I don’t know,” she replied. “I guess that I was confused and scared.”

  “But not that you were in love me?” he asked in his low, rugged voice and she was silent for a while.

  “I don’t know,” she finally said softly and it grew quiet again.

  She looked over and he just nodded as the moonlight cast an eerie shadow across his sad face.

  “So what are you trying to tell me then? Why’d you drag me out here?”

  “We need to talk…about everything that’s happened lately.”

  “There’s not much to say. You’ve made yourself perfectly clear. You’ve made your choice,” he said, a cold edge to his voice, his words tugging at her heart.

  “I just want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me and for what you’ve done for Sarah since Ben died. You truly have been the most amazing friend anyone could ever ask for or deserve and I love you.”

  “But you’re not in love with me?” he asked, defeat heavy in his voice. She knew the fight was gone from him now and he wouldn’t argue or try to convince her the way he had been, which she was grateful for because he was hard to resist. She thought maybe he’d accepted it, that they’d both accepted it.

  “Luke, it’s complicated. I…I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know if the feelings I have are because of you or because your Ben’s brother and you remind me of him sometimes. I just don’t know,” she sighed shaking her head, not wanting the conversation to go this direction. “But there are feelings there,” he stated.

  She sighed but didn’t say anything.

  “I just want you to know my feelings are genuine Kathryn. I feel the way I do because I’m in love with you, not because you were my brother’s girlfriend or because being with you reminds me of how things were when he was alive, but I’m not going to beg you to love me anymore. I’m not that pathetic.I’ve shown you how I feel about you. I’ve done everything I can for you. I told you how I feel, but if you can’t even consider you feel the same way, I respect that and I’ll leave you alone.”

  “I don’t want you to leave me alone,” she said reaching for his hand, but he pulled back the instant their skin touched.

  “Don’t,” he said briskly. “Things can’t go back the way they were. I thought they could, but they can’t. I’ll always be there fo
r Sarah because I love her. Even if she were my own daughter I don’t think I could love her more, but you and me, well…” he said cautiously. “Things just can’t ever be the same.”

  She knew he was right. She didn’t want him to be right, but he was. Nothing could be the same, not after everything they’d shared.

  “I’m sorry Luke. It kills me to hurt you and I know you don’t believe me, but it hurts me too because I want everything back how it was. You’re my best friend and I can’t just let you go. I’ve lost too much and I can’t lose you too.”

  “You’re going to be fine. You’ve got everything you need.”

  She felt her eyes grow warm knowing she was hurting him so much and as she wiped them dry, he stood up.

  “Where are you going?” she asked looking up at him, not wanting him to go.

  “I think we’ve said everything we need to say. I’ve got to get some studying done and I’m sure you’ve got places to go,” he said with a bitter edge to his voice as if everything that had happened between them was just a memory.

  “Luke, please,” she begged. “Please don’t leave things this way. You can’t leave me again.”

  “I don’t want to. That’s the last thing I want to do, but I just…I just…” he stuttered, running a hand through his hair and then shook his head, not finishing his sentence.

  He turned around and Kathryn watched him fade into the darkness as she blinked and the tears spilled down her face as she buried her head in her hands and sobbed quietly.

  Chapter 51

  Kathryn stared curiously at the envelope in her hand. She had been surprised to see it sitting in the mailbox, addressed in shaky black ink and a return address label with the name Valma Bradley on it. She sat on the couch and carefully opened it, making sure not to rip anything. The letter was written on simple pink stationary and her eyes found the same aged handwriting scrawled across the paper that had been on the front of the envelope and she began reading:

  Dear Kathryn,

  I realized after seeing you the other night I should have written this letter long ago. We all suffered a great loss when Ben died, but your loss is different than all of ours. Ben is my family, my grandson and when he died I’ve never felt such loss and pain. Watching my grandchild leave this earth was nothing I could have ever prepared myself for and seeing the agony my son and Sharon endured as they buried their child was a pain I would never wish on my worst enemy. He’ll always be the little boy I held in my arms and read bedtime stories to. He’ll always be the little boy who had me wrapped around his finger. He’ll always be the little boy whose smile melted my heart. He’ll always be a part of me, my flesh and blood, and nothing will ever change that. But to you, Ben was the man you loved, the man you planned to marry and share a life with, the father of our beautiful Sarah. He was taken from all of us too soon. But, you’ve suffered in a way that most people don’t understand, but I do. You’re not alone in this.

  None of us will ever understand why Ben passed away, but I do know it was all part of God’s plan, even if we don’t understand it. There is a reason for everything, and although we may never know those reasons, rest assured nothing happens by chance. Ben’s time on earth was done. He’d accomplished all that he needed to and God needed Ben more with him than we needed him with us.

  I could see the struggle in your eyes when we were all together reflecting on Ben’s life. You have had to struggle with the guilt of letting go and moving on. Do you hang onto him, loving his memory or do you move on and risk betraying his memory? I want you to know that it is okay to move on and find happiness. It is what you deserve and it is what Ben would want. Our family understands and we respect your decisions. We want you to be happy and find peace in your heart. I know you will always love Ben and I know he will always love you, but it’s time to let go and find peace. We will always love you and be grateful to you for the love you showed to Ben during his short time on earth and we will forever treasure the little girl you and Ben share. Ben died loved and content and I am certain he treasures the time he had with you and holds onto it wherever he is.

  I hope this letter finds you well and helps you to know we understand you need to move on. It’s what you deserve.

  Love always,

  Grandma Val

  Kathryn sat staring down at the letter, unsure what to make of it. She knew she didn’t need the Bradley’s approval, but knowing she had it lifted a burden from her heart she didn’t even know had existed.

  ****

  Kathryn hadn’t been to Dom and Val’s house in ages, but it looked exactly as she remembered. The small white ranch-style house was decorated for Christmas, with icicle lights covering the gutters and a small nativity scene on the brown lawn. A holly wreath hung from the door and she hoped they were home as she knocked. As she waited, she didn’t realize she was holding her breath until the door opened and she finally exhaled when she was greeted by the slight frame of Val.

  “I got your letter,” she said holding up the envelope without waiting for the old woman to say anything.

  “Come inside,” Val said with a smile.

  Kathryn walked into the small house. It smelled like a mixture of peppermint and coffee. A small Christmas tree stood in front of the living room window and two stockings hung from the mantle on the fireplace and Kathryn smiled at the thought of two grandparents hanging their stockings as if they were still children.

  Val led Kathryn into the kitchen and they sat down in the small corner breakfast nook.

  “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “No, thank you,” Kathryn replied and Val sat down across from her. They stared at each other for a moment and Kathryn didn’t quite know what to say.

  “How are you?” Val finally said breaking the silence.

  “I’m okay. Thank you for this,” she said nodding toward the letter.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t write it sooner. After I saw you at Scott and Sharon’s, I knew it was long overdue,” Val said with regret in her voice.

  “What you said…it means a lot.”

  “I hope you know I meant every word. I know how much you are struggling with what to do with your life. You love Ben. You will always love him, but you want to move forward with your life too and you feel that if you do that, you’ll be forgetting him…that you’ll be betraying him.”

  “That’s exactly how I feel.”

  “Now, let’s talk about Jace,” Val said and by her tone, Kathryn knew she wasn’t being accusatory. “Does this new young man make you happy?”

  “Yes, he did, but it’s complicated,” she said hesitantly and Val looked at her curiously. “Jace broke up with me because of everything and…Luke and I…things have been…we’ve grown so close.”

  Val nodded as if she knew what Kathryn was trying to say.

  “I’ve noticed how close you and Luke are.”

  “You must think I’m horrible,” she said shaking her head and staring at the tabletop.

  “I don’t. Not at all. Luke’s a wonderful boy and he adores you and Sarah.”

  “He does.”

  “And how do you feel about him?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. He’s Ben’s brother. I can’t have feelings for him,” she said nervously.

  “Why not?” Val asked bluntly.

  “Because he’s Ben’s brother,” she repeated.

  “But he’s not Ben,” Val said, her mouth forming into a serious line.

  “I know,” Kathryn whispered.

  “Do you only have feelings for him because he’s Ben’s brother or is it because of who he’s proven himself to be?”

  “I don’t know. I really don’t know.I’m so confused. Between him and Jace, I don’t know what to do.”

  “Only you can decide that,” Val said placing her hand over Kathryn’s and they were quiet for a few moments. “But whatever conclusion you come to, just remember you should be happy. The past is the past. You can’t change anything. All you can do is try and b
e happy.”

  “I can’t be happy because I can’t move past Ben. I can’t let him go,” she admitted.

  “I understand how hard it is…to let go,” Val said quietly and when Kathryn looked up at her wrinkled eyes, they looked heavy as they stared down at the tabletop, as if she truly did understand.

  “How? How do you know?” Kathryn asked quietly and then Val seemed to hesitate.

  “Because I’ve been in your shoes,” she softly said as she looked up and they locked eyes.

  “What?” Kathryn exclaimed quietly, unable to hide the surprise in her voice as Val stood up and walked over to the secretary desk in the entryway. Kathryn could hear her rifling through papers and a few moments later, she sat down and handed her an old photograph. Kathryn looked down at the black and white picture of a young woman with curly blonde hair and a young man in a navy uniform. She glanced from the picture to Val and determined the girl in the picture was her, but she was confused as she realized the boy in the picture was not Dom.

  “Dom was not my first husband,” Val began slowly and Kathryn sat straight up, intrigued by the story she knew she was about to hear. “I was married before. His name was Joseph Kenney. Joe was my older brother’s friend and I’d known him since I was a little girl, but when I was sixteen, he stopped looking at me like a little sister and we fell in love and we were married a couple of years later when I was eighteen and he was twenty-one. We were married in October of 1941, just two months before the United States entered World War II. When he heard about the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the U.S. declared war, Joe immediately enlisted in the Navy. After hearing about all the sailors that had been killed and how the Pacific fleet had been devastated, he wanted to help rebuild it. He quit his job at the mill and left for basic training a month later in Newport, where he volunteered for submarine duty. I told him he was crazy, but he said since New England was the birthplace of submarines, then as a New Englander he wanted to serve on them,” she said, her voice growing deeper and more stern as if she were impersonating Joe. “Six weeks later he was on his way to New London as part of the crew of the USS Grunion. It was a brand new submarine and our whole family was able to attend the commissioning ceremony in Connecticut. I can still see him standing topside in his dress uniform. I was so proud of him and he looked so handsome in his uniform,” Val said pausing for a moment and when Kathryn looked up, she saw Val was smiling and her mind had been transported back to 1942 when she was still young and still married to Joe. “After the commissioning, he was able to come home for a week. The week passed too quickly and then he was back in New London and in May, he left for the Pacific. I didn’t hear a word from him until the end of June when he was finally able to call me from Hawaii where they’d ported. Even though that conversation took place over sixty years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday…because it was the last time I ever spoke to Joe,” she said, her voice trailing off until she was silent.