Control (Shift)

by Kim Curran

  She stopped kissing me and tugged at the neck of my T-shirt. I wrenched it off and threw it on the floor, before diving in to kiss her again. With one hand entangled in her cropped hair, I slid my other hand down her back, feeling the slight bump of her bra strap underneath her T-shirt, until I felt the damp heat of her skin at the base of her spine. I drew her closer and she made a small moaning noise deep into my mouth. She bent her leg, so it was now wrapped around my thigh and rolled over on top of me.

  It couldn’t happen.

  “Wait. Stop.” I pulled away from her kiss.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. God, absolutely nothing.”

  “So shut up.” She bent down, kissing me deeply. My whole body was shaking. I wrapped my hands around her waist, and felt the pulse in her stomach. I gently lifted her up and back onto the mattress beside me.

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry, I can’t,” I said. Hating myself. Wanting to punch the stupid bit of my brain that was making me say what I knew I was about to say.

  “Did I do something wrong?” Aubrey sat up, pressing her back into the wall behind her and pulling the quilt up to her chin.

  “No. Of course not.”

  “You don’t want to?” She blinked and looked a little bit scared and yet angry at the same time.

  I took her face in my hands. “No, of course I want to. Argh! You have absolutely no idea just how much I want to.”

  “Then what?” she said, quiet as a whisper.

  “I need to know you want to.”

  She pulled away from my hands and shook her head. “What bit of me half naked in your bed are you not getting? I want to, OK?”

  “But what if you regret it? Not tonight but tomorrow. Or next week. You’ll Shift.” She let out an exasperated sigh, but I pressed on. “You will. You know it and I know it. You might change your decision to be with me tonight.”

  “So what if I do?” I could tell I’d made her angry.

  “I’ll remember, Aubrey. Only I will remember. Can you imagine what that will do to my head? Knowing that you regretted being with me. Knowing you changed your decision. It would be like… I forced you or something.” I covered my face with my hands.

  “Scott,” she leaned forward on her knees and pulled my hands down. “Scott, listen to me. It’s going to be OK. I’m not going to change my mind.”

  “Can you promise me that? Can you promise me that you don’t make every single decision in your life knowing that if it doesn’t work out you’ll just Shift?”

  “Scott, why are you being like this?”

  “Because I want to know you’re one hundred percent certain?”

  “Who can be one hundred percent certain of anything?” She threw up her arms in frustration.

  “I can,” I said, looking deep into her green-flecked eyes. I wanted to fall into them. “Every day, I get up and I have to reassemble my life. Sometimes, it’s just tiny things, like some guy I knew was a Regulator the day before is gone, having Shifted along the way. And I miss them. Actually miss them. Even though I know I’ve never actually met them. Other times, I close my eyes and when I open them again I don’t recognise where I am. In the blink of an eye the whole world can have changed. And only for me. It’s like building your house on sand. I never feel safe. But there’s one thing I am absolutely certain about. One thing solid that I can build the rest of my life around. You.” I tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “If we’re going to do this, I need to be sure you’re sure. Absolutely sure. And that I won’t wake up tomorrow and it will all be gone. Because, I just… I just couldn’t cope with that.”

  She bit her lip and sat back on her heels. I could hear a tree branch tapping on the window outside. It sounded like fingers drumming impatiently. Although I was happy to wait all night. She looked down and tugged at the hem of her black T-shirt. I had my answer.

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into a hug, before leaning my chin on the top of her head, feeling her warm breath on my bare skin.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for.” It was almost a relief. Almost.

  I could wait. I would wait. Because I knew I was lucky just being with her. Luck. That reminded me.

  “I have a present for you,” I said, letting her go. I leaned over onto the floor and dragged my tangled trousers towards me. I dug around in the pocket and pulled out the thing I’d been carrying around for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.

  “It’s a bit lame,” I said, sitting back on the bed, looking down at my closed fist.

  “I don’t care,” she said, trying to pry my fingers open. I let her.

  A single copper penny lay in my palm. I’d drilled a hole into the coin and strung it on a black ribbon. “It saved my life,” I said, placing it into her hand. “I thought that maybe it might be good luck. Stupid, I know…”

  She silenced me with a kiss. “I love it, Scott. I love… it.”

  She turned around so I could tie the ribbon around her neck. The coin hung just below the hollow at the base of her throat.

  “I’m glad we came here,” she said looking back at me.

  “Even though you didn’t find your dad?”

  She nodded, her hair tickling my nose. “Do you think I’ll ever find him?”

  We lay back down and I slipped my hand under her neck, letting my fingers brush against her collarbone. “I don’t know,” I said. “But I know he’s looking out for you.”

  It was a simple lie. It skirted over the reality that he was completely and utterly insane. But it made her happy. And for that moment, that’s all I cared about.

  She rested her head on my chest, twirling her fingers in the little I had going for chest hair.

  “One day, I will be sure,” she said, arching her neck to look up at me.

  “Yeah? But maybe by then I’ll have changed my mind.”

  She gasped in outrage and I laughed. “You git,” she said, pulling the pillow out from under my head and hitting me with it. I pulled the pillow away and wrestled her back onto the bed, pinning her beneath me. I kissed her, slowly, savouring every second of it.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  “Morning,” Aubrey said. She was propped up on one elbow, the light breaking through the yellow curtains throwing her into shadow. “Sleep well?”

  “Yeah, not bad,” I said, yawning and realising that I had slept well. Really well. Probably for the first night in months. Contentment radiated from somewhere deep inside me. I felt as if I was lying in a warm bath, only I was actually on a small and rather lumpy bed.

  “You?” I asked.

  “OK. Only, you snore.”

  “I do not.”

  “You do. Like a little piglet. It’s kinda cute.”

  I pulled the quilt over my head in shame. “Shut up!” I mumbled from under the covers.

  “Come on, Pylon. Get a move on.” I felt the bed bounce as she stood up. “The sooner we get this evaluation with the oh-so-angelic Anderson over, the sooner we can get back and…”

  I pulled the quilt down a little and peeked over the top of it. “And?”

  “Quit ARES and get on with the rest of our lives.” Aubrey clambered back onto the bed and kissed me on the tip of my nose. “Isn’t that the plan?”

  I scooped the quilt over her head and pulled her back into bed. We lay under the covers, breathing in each other’s stale morning breath and I didn’t care. It was a perfect moment.

  I didn’t know what my life was going to be like without ARES. I guessed I’d have to go back to school and Mum and Dad could shout at me that they’d been right all along. Or maybe I’d just get a different job. Not that I was qualified to do anything accept catch unregistered Shifters. I’d been so obsessed about my past, I’d not given much thought to my future. But one thing I was sure of, it would be with Aubrey.

  “Once you’ve helped me work out who attacked the President,” I said. Aubrey rolled her eyes. “But you p
romised.”

  “OK. After that.” She smiled and kissed me. And it felt like the first time we’d kissed all over again. “Come on,” she said, pulling herself away. “We can’t stay in bed all day.”

  “Oh!” I groaned. “Why not?”

  “Because we have a job to do.” She tugged the covers off me, leaving me with no protection from the chilly room. “Get your trousers on.”

  She pulled her own clothes on, tied up her big boots, and clomped out of the room. I scrambled into my own clothes and followed her.

  The whole house was silent as Aubrey and I walked hand in hand to the kitchen.

  “Stop grinning!”

  “I can’t,” I said.

  “Well try. You look like a mad man.”

  I pulled her arm behind my back, drawing her into me. “Mad about you.”

  “You are so cheesy, Scott,” she said, but kissed me anyway.

  We made our way through the house and to the kitchen where Frankie was already sitting, flicking through the morning papers.

  “Good morning,” she said cheerily, as we joined her. “How was your evening? I hope the children all behaved themselves.”

  “It was… fun,” I said, smiling at Aubrey.

  “How was your ball?” Aubrey said, nudging me to behave.

  “Oh, productive but tedious. Lots of heads of state falling over themselves to be seen to do the right thing. Although actually making sure they live up to their promises is quite another thing. But I guess it’s all worth it in the end. Coffee? It’s from a project I fund in Ethiopia.” She raised a pot of steaming black liquid from the stove and waved it at us. I could smell the smoky richness from across the room.

  “Yes, please,” I said.

  “Oh, a package came for you early this morning.” She gestured with the coffee pot to a large white polystyrene box on the table. It was covered in ARES stickers. “I didn’t want to wake you.” She handed me a mug of coffee, smiling. “I thought you could do with the rest.”

  Aubrey peeled off the stickers and lifted the lid on the box. Inside was a black computer screen and a tangle of wires. It looked a little like the simulators and the sight of the sensors sent a shiver down my spine. “It’s the eval kit,” Aubrey said.

  “Oh, that’s good.” Frankie handed a mug to Aubrey.

  “Yes, so we can do the evaluation and be on our way,” Aubrey said placing the mug next to the box without even sipping at it.

  “Why the rush?” Frankie said. “I would have thought it was good to be out of that building for a while. And away from Sir Richard. Does he still have that stupid moustache?”

  Aubrey smiled despite herself. “He still waxes it every day.”

  “The man’s an idiot. I remember he put me on detention for a week for sneaking out of dorms. When he was the one who’d shown us how to sneak out. Hypocrite. But then, as soon as a man gets a whiff of responsibility it’s what it seems to do to them all.”

  Aubrey joined Frankie in sighing over the follies of men. I just stared into my mug.

  “Why don’t you do it, Scott?” Frankie said suddenly, her ice eyes boring into me.

  “Huh?” I said looking up.

  “The evaluation? Why don’t you do it?” She smiled, and I felt my cheeks go warm.

  “Sure!” I said, wanting to impress her.

  “But you’ve never done one before,” Aubrey said, uncertain.

  “It can’t be that hard. I mean, you do it.”

  Aubrey blinked and it took me a moment to realise why she looked so shocked. I replayed what I’d said and shook my head. “No, that came out wrong. I mean I’ve seen you do it.” I covered my face with my hand.

  Frankie laughed. “Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure Aubrey knew you were only joking. I’m sure she knows you’re perfectly capable. Take a seat.” She pulled up a wooden chair and sat at the table. I glanced over at Aubrey to see if I was still in trouble. She skidded the box and her tablet across the table in my direction and narrowed her eyes at me. It was touch and go.

  I took my seat as instructed, while Aubrey remained standing, and launched the application.

  “Um, if you could place the electrodes on your temples,” I said, trying to remember how the process worked. Normally one of the doctors at ARES carried out the procedure, although Aubrey had done the evaluation on number three.

  Frankie did as instructed, lifting her honey hair out of the way. “And hold that silver thing.” I plugged the wires into the tablet and launched the evaluation programme.

  “So, Scott,” Frankie said, curling her hand around the metallic cylinder. “You have my full attention. What do you want to ask me?”

  What did I want to ask her? Not the stupid list of questions ARES had prepared for us, to reveal if a person had psychopathic tendencies, that was for sure. I really wanted to ask her something more important. More personal.

  “How do you do it? This place. The children.” I ignored Aubrey’s little cough.

  “It’s easy when you know you’re doing the right thing.” The monitor bleeped into life. A steady, even line that meant she was telling the truth.

  “But it must require a lot of strength. And to do it all on your own, without a husband or a boyfriend. A beautiful woman like you, it can’t be hard to find someone?” I sensed Aubrey moving out of the corner of my eye, only I didn’t take my eyes off Frankie’s face.

  “Oh, you are sweet. But after my husband died, I decided to put my all into Pandora and the children. Theirs is the only love I need.”

  “Scott,” Aubrey said. “Are you going to do the evaluation or not?”

  “Huh? Oh, OK.” I looked down at the list of questions I was supposed to ask. The first one seemed rather stupid, but I asked it anyway. “Do you ever feel that your accomplishments go unnoticed?”

  “I wouldn’t say I have that many accomplishments.” Again, the readout of her brain activity and pulse remained steady.

  I made a cross next to the question with my finger and asked the next one. “Do you ever feel that you are better than other people? Oh, that’s just silly. You are better than other people. We won’t bother with that.” I marked that with an X. And the question after it, which asked if the subject ever found themselves feeling isolated from their peers.

  “Scott, I think I should take over,” Aubrey said, walking over and trying to pull the tablet out of my hand.

  “I think Scott is doing just perfectly, Aubrey,” Frankie said. And Aubrey backed up, one step at a time. I grinned at her and went back to the questions.

  “I think we can skip most of these. Superiority, no. Disgust in your fellow humans, no. Oh, this is a good one. Do you ever experience fits of rage?”

  “Well, I can get angry. When I see the injustice in the world. But I wouldn’t describe it as a fit of rage.” The steady beeping of the machine sounded like birdsong.

  I marked the final cross on the screen. There was something else I’d wanted to ask Frankie. Something that hadn’t been on the list of questions. But I couldn’t remember. It probably didn’t matter.

  “Well, I think that’s everything, don’t you?” Frankie said.

  “Yep,” I agreed. I quickly typed up a summary, about what an incredible person and upstanding citizen she was, hit the file button and watched as it was mailed back to HQ.

  “Hang on, you’ve not asked all of the questions you’re supposed to,” Aubrey said, yanking the tablet away from me before I had a chance to stop her this time.

  “I think Scott did brilliantly,” Frankie said, peeling the sensors away from her skin, her eyes shining.

  I beamed.

  “Besides, you don’t really think I’m a psychopath do you, Aubrey?”

  Aubrey let the tablet drop back onto the table. “I guess not.”

  “Good. I’m afraid I have an important call to make, but stay as long as you like. Go for a walk in the woods. Relax a little.” All of this was said directly to me and it sounded like the best idea ever.

/>   “We should be getting back,” Aubrey said.

  “Come on Aubrey, chill out. You’re so uptight.”

  “I’m… I’m what?” Aubrey stepped in close and whispered. “What’s got into you, Scott?”

  “You know what would loosen you up?” I waggled my eyebrow at her. Then slapped my hand to my forehead to stop it. What was I doing?

  Aubrey straightened up, her face suddenly still and cold. “When you’ve stopped acting like an idiot, I’ll be in the van.” She spun around and stormed up the stairs.

  I tried to stand to follow her, my stomach churning with guilt, but I found I couldn’t move.

  “Don’t worry about her,” Frankie said. “You know what teenage girls are like. All hormones. More coffee?”

  My hands were already shaking from the strength of the last one, but I nodded my head for more.

  “Ella is the same now she’s going through entropy. It’s such a strain, knowing that the thing that makes you special is fading.”

  “Ella is young to be going through entropy.”

  “She seems quite taken with you,” Frankie said, ignoring my question.

  “Who does?”

  “Ella. It’s nice for her to have people of her own age around. You should stay a little longer. Take her for a walk. She’d like that. You’d like that too, wouldn’t you?”

  “I, um…” I said. Something didn’t feel right. I looked down at my hands shaking from too much caffeine. “Aubrey’s right. We should head back.”

  “Forget about Aubrey,” Frankie snapped and I looked at her once more. “Forget about her for an hour or so. She’s not your boss. And after all, you’re the more powerful Shifter; that much is clear. I can see you’ve been through a lot, Scott. More than Aubrey can understand, am I right?”

  I nodded slightly.

  “It’s OK. I understand. That’s what this place is all about, Scott. It’s a safe haven for kids like you. Kids who’ve seen too much. There’s a home for you here, if you want it. You just say the word.” She patted my hand.

  “That sounds good.”