Brothers in Blue: The Complete Trilogy: Brothers in Blue Boxed Set - Books 1-3

by Jeanne St. James

  But she looked sexy as all get-out, anyway. His chest tightened.

  “You ate?” she asked.

  He nodded, but she was concentrating on her plate. “Yes. At my parents.”

  Without looking up, she picked at what now he recognized as a frozen meal, not leftovers.

  “Sorry.”

  This time her head popped up, a surprised look on her face. “For what?”

  “Not inviting you.”

  She blinked, then frowned. “Why would you feel obligated to invite me?” She waved her fork between the two of them. “This is just sex, right?”

  Right.

  When he didn’t answer, she asked again, pinning him with a stare. “Right, Matt?”

  “Right. Just sex,” he finally answered, not meeting her gaze.

  “You disappeared early this morning. How are you feeling?” She placed her fork on her plate, took a sip of what looked like iced tea, and settled her gaze on him.

  “Fine.” He studied the linoleum. Funny how he’d never paid attention to the pattern before.

  “You think the panic attack was just a fluke?”

  He shrugged. “Don’t know.”

  “Well, aren’t you Chatty Cathy.” She scowled and pushed away from the table, standing up.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled.

  “Will you stop apologizing? Nothing to be sorry about.” She lifted a shoulder in a half shrug. “You don’t feel like talking, then don’t talk.”

  She took her plate to the sink which brought her inches from him. She was close enough that he could feel her body heat and catch her feminine scent. He fought from taking a big whiff. That might come off as being a bit weird.

  Not that he was normal as it was.

  She rinsed off her plate and loaded it into the dishwasher. Once she straightened, she turned to face him.

  “Did you see the baby?” Her face softened instantly at the mention of Hannah.

  “Yes.”

  “How is she?”

  “Noisy.”

  Carly snorted. “Kids usually are.”

  She was right. Children could be very noisy.

  As he pictured Hannah crying in her carrier, he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to fight back the memory as it morphed into running, screaming children. Lots of them. Too many of them. Panicked. Scared. Desperate. None of them asked to be put in that situation, that horror, that suffering.

  There was one he would never forget. Never. That image would always be burned in his brain.

  No babies. No more babies.

  “No babies,” he said as he started to shake.

  “What?”

  “No babies.”

  Her hand suddenly gripped his arm. He tried to open his eyes, to come back to the present. But that baby…

  The infant. One not much older than Hannah face down in the mud. Too still. No life. Alone.

  So very alone.

  And people running. Scattering. Ignoring the lost life. Stepping over a forgotten child in a rush to save themselves.

  It was if no one cared for the innocent.

  “It’s not fair to bring helpless beings into this world. We could do nothing to protect them. Nothing.”

  “I’m sure you did everything you could.”

  “It wasn’t enough. Never enough.”

  Matt released a ragged breath. His hands gripped the counter behind him. When had he uncrossed his arms?

  He opened his eyes, and spots floated across his vision. He couldn’t see Carly. He couldn’t. He tried harder. He knew she was there within reach because he could feel her hand on his arm.

  But he couldn’t see her.

  He could only see the puddle of mud. The dirt, the filth, the dead.

  “I want to go back.”

  Did he say that out loud? His words sounded as if in a tunnel. A long, hollow tunnel.

  13

  “What? You can’t!” Suddenly Carly was now the one in panic mode. Her heart thumped in her chest as she watched Matt’s face harden, his skin pale, his eyes turn distant and cold.

  His Adam’s apple bounced as he swallowed hard. “I need to go back.”

  “No.” She shook her head adamantly. “No, you don’t.”

  “There’s so much to do over there yet. We’re not done. Everything is a complete mess. So much destruction. Death. We must help them.”

  She laid her palm on his chest. She needed to get his attention, get him to heed her words. “Matt, listen to me. It’s not your responsibility. You can’t shoulder the guilt of what happened, or still happens, over there.”

  “So many children died. So many lives lost.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “We’re not fighting for our freedom. It’s greed. Plain and simple.”

  “And that’s never going to change.” Sad, but true.

  However, Matt wasn’t listening. He remained clearly stuck in his head. “I left people behind. I left my unit.”

  “You had no choice.”

  “I could go back,” he whispered.

  “They won’t let you reenlist.” Especially when it had been a permanent disability discharge. From what she understood it was necessary due to his mental health issues. Though now was not to time to remind him of that.

  “I could go back on my own.”

  Carly’s breath caught. Her heart squeezed and a sudden helplessness flooded over her. Once again she asked herself how could she fix someone so broken?

  And reminded herself once again that she couldn’t.

  Being a doctor, it was the hardest thing to understand. She couldn’t get into his head. She alone didn’t have the power to make him better.

  She could only love him, support him, and care for him, hoping one day he would—could—respond. To realize the people and family surrounding him loved him. Honored him. Cared for his well-being. They didn’t judge him for the things he had to do out of desperation to survive.

  He needed to understand he could still make a difference. Only here at home instead.

  Then it hit her. She just admitted to herself that she loved him. Could that even be possible? She’d only known him for a couple weeks, and the man was a complete, utter mess.

  She studied him. He was a beautiful mess, but a mess, nonetheless.

  This was not what she needed on her plate.

  Her goal was to save money, buy a place, adopt a baby, and have a successful practice.

  Not deal with…him.

  As well as his problems.

  So when had the “just sex” become more?

  He kept talking and she had no idea what he muttered as she watched his lips move. Most likely still rattling on about heading back overseas to that hell hole.

  And here she was, freaking out over some feelings she might have for him. If they were even real.

  The last thing she needed was to tell him. He would totally come apart. Not to mention, probably disappear again. She had to keep her so-called feeling to herself. Keep it casual. Then, when she landed on her feet financially, simply withdraw herself from his life.

  Quickly, quietly, painlessly.

  A harsh laugh burst from her lips. Who was she kidding?

  Matt’s moving lips stilled to a crooked slash and he stared at her without blinking. Shit. He probably thought she callously laughed at something he said.

  Carly watched a muscle tic in his jaw. Suddenly the tic disappeared, he blinked, and his expression relaxed.

  She still had her palm on his chest, and his heart beat steadily under her hand. Thump, thump, thump.

  He wanted to go back.

  She realized it wasn’t for selfish reasons, but selfless intentions. He actually cared more about others than he did himself. He would sacrifice the last thread of his sanity to try to help the defenseless, the innocent, the vulnerable. Despite his PTSD, he was a better human being than anyone she’d ever met. Even herself. She wondered if he even realized it.

  Yes, he had tendencies of violence. Yes, he coul
d be moody and an asshole. However, he’d lay down his life for someone, if need be. Deep inside that black piece of coal a diamond shined.

  He frowned at her. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “Like what?” she asked, her lips curving into a smile.

  “I don’t know, but it’s weird.”

  “Are you saying I’m weird? Because you may have to look in the mirror.”

  His lips twitched and the corners of his light blue eyes wrinkled. “I’d rather look at you.”

  She shook her head at his attempt to change the subject and stepped back from him, putting the table between them. Time to get real. And he probably won’t like it. Or even take it well.

  “You need to drop the idea of heading back over there. If not for yourself, think about your mother. It would kill her.”

  His small, fleeting smile quickly turned into a frown. He blinked. Once. Twice. “No, it wouldn’t.”

  “Yes, Matt. I don’t think you realize how hard it was for her. It was bad enough when her first two sons went into the military. She was proud, and she expected them to follow in your father’s footsteps. But you don’t think she sighed in relief when they only did one tour? Then her baby goes. And only comes home to attend the police academy, just long enough to earn a spot on the force, then one day he disappears. She comes to find out you reenlisted again. And then you don’t come back for years. You’re sent to the dredges of the Earth. And you choose—you choose, Matt— to stay there instead of coming home to your family. As a mother, how do you think that makes her feel?”

  “How do you know all that?” he asked in a stunned whisper, his face a frozen mask.

  “That day you dropped me off at your parents… The day you stubbornly insisted I had a concussion, your mother talked and talked about her boys. She loves you more than you know. All of you. However, it was you she couldn’t stop talking about the most. Once she started, she couldn’t stop. I held your mother as she cried. Jesus, I felt her pain. It clawed at my heart. She thinks she failed you somehow. She feels like a failure, Matt.”

  Matt covered his face with his hands and turned away. “Stop.”

  “She doesn’t understand to this day why you stayed over there instead of coming home. She blames herself.”

  “Carly, stop. Stop.” His voice sounded muffled behind his hands but there was no doubt her words tore him apart.

  Even though the truth hurt, he still needed to know.

  “All she wanted…all she wants is the best for you. She wants nothing more than for you to be happy.” Damn it, she felt shitty for pushing, but if it kept him from doing something stupid, then so be it.

  “I said stop!” he screamed, dropping his hands. His face became flushed, furious. Edged with despair, maybe.

  Carly was glad the table sat between them. She didn’t think he’d ever intentionally hurt her. Accidentally? She couldn’t be so sure.

  He stepped forward and she stumbled back as he slammed his hands on the table. Hard enough that the heavy table actually jumped. “Why are you doing this to me?” His question sounded low, pained.

  Her heart squeezed in her chest. “I’m not doing it to you. I’m doing it for you.”

  “Fuck you, Carly. Fuck you, goddamn it,” he spat out in complete rage. He grabbed the edge of the table and flipped it before storming out through the sunroom.

  A second later she heard the backdoor slam and the windows rattle.

  She didn’t follow him. She didn’t watch to see where he went. After regarding the table on its side, she lifted her hands out in front of her. They were trembling.

  Should she call Max? Maybe give him a heads-up? But she worried about jeopardizing his job. The thin blue line seemed to be just that right now…thin.

  Carly up-righted the table and pushed the chairs back in order before heading upstairs to her room. Her heart felt heavy and her head throbbed.

  She sat on the edge of the bed, still slightly shaking, worried she pushed him too far. She only wanted him to see reason. For him to realize that he needed to be with his family, that they loved him. He would never get healthy without the support of his family and friends.

  Once he cooled off, she’d apologize for doing it so harshly. Though she wasn’t so sure that tough love would work in his case. Since they were supposed to be “just sex,” it wasn’t like she risked their relationship.

  They could just move on if he didn’t forgive her. No big deal, right?

  Right.

  Carly laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She listened to her own breathing as it drew in and out of her lungs, her nerves slowly settling. Her headache started to recede.

  She needed a hot shower. Hell, more like a hot bath. Take some time to soak, clear her mind.

  She jumped as her door flung open, slamming against the wall. Matt stood in the doorway, breathing hard.

  Carly sat up, not sure whether to be scared or relieved he came back to her. Maybe scared seemed more appropriate after reading the dark expression on his face.

  He stalked to the bed, tearing off his shirt and throwing it. He kicked off his boots toward the corner of the room, yanking off his socks. Within seconds, he had his cargo pants and boxer briefs pooled at his feet.

  She remained frozen on the bed, wondering if he had come to fuck her or punish her.

  With a palm to each of her shoulders, he shoved her onto her back and climbed over her. He remained on his hands and knees, caging her in between his limbs.

  “When I came home tonight, my first intention was to fuck you. And, damn it, I’m going to fuck you.”

  A thrill ran up Carly’s spine. She shivered, her nipples hardening into points. She tried to answer him, to say something, but nothing escaped her open mouth except a gasp as he grabbed her wrists and pinned her arms above her head.

  “I know how much you like being in control, Doc. But not tonight. Not now. You’re at my mercy. You want to play fucking head games with me? Then you have to pay to play.”

  He transferred both of her wrists into one hand and then yanked her hair back with the other. What remained of her bun came undone within his fingers as he forcefully arched her neck using her hair as a grip.

  Her lips parted and her breathing became shallow and quick. There was nothing soft about this man. His body, his demeanor, his cock. He was definitely not there to play games.

  “The only time I find peace is when I’m buried deep inside you, when I’m sleeping in your arms. This is what you do to me. This is the hold you have on me. This is your power over me. So fuck you and your little guilt trip downstairs. Fuck you. You can’t break me. I’m already fucking broken!”

  The sound he released made her shiver as it reminded her of a wounded animal. The urgent need to comfort him overcame her. But that’s not what he wanted. Not now.

  He wanted hard, heart-pounding, mind-blowing release. Carly had no doubt about that as he tore at her clothes with one hand, actually shredding the T-shirt she wore into ragged pieces. Luckily, she had removed her bra when she changed after work, otherwise he would have destroyed it too. He yanked her leggings midway down her thighs. He would have to release her wrists to completely remove them. And she wasn’t sure he would.

  But he did. He moved down her body, stripping the black, skin-tight pants off of her legs, leaving her completely naked on the bed.

  She didn’t cover herself and had no desire to escape him. Instead, she welcomed him completely, spreading her legs, extending her hand.

  He ignored her and shook his head as he moved back over her. He brought his head level with hers and they locked gazes. His breath came rapidly, his eyes looked a bit wild, his jaw tight.

  “I’m not one to play games with, Carly.”

  “I’m not playing games.”

  “Don’t try to fuck with my head,” he warned, holding himself barely above her.

  “I’m not. I’m trying to get you see reality.”

  He shook his head again, slo
wly this time. “This is just sex. Nothing more. I don’t want you to try to fix me.”

  “I’m not.”

  A curse exploded from him. “Bullshit.”

  Carly closed her eyes for a moment, trying to break the intensity of his stare.

  “I’m not your patient. I’m not your project.”

  She nodded, not trusting herself to say anything else.

  “Don’t make me tell you that again.”

  She met his gaze once more.

  “Do you understand that?” he asked.

  “Yes,” she answered with a shaky breath.

  Suddenly, his whole demeanor changed. He asked for something. Wanted something from her.

  But what?

  Then she realized what it was. Matt didn’t want to be in control. Not here. Not now. Only his anger had demanded it. But deep down inside it wasn’t his true desire.

  “Get off me,” she ordered, taking the control from him and putting it into her own hands.

  A shuddered breath escaped him, and his lids lowered, hooding his eyes.

  “Now,” she snapped.

  His hard body seemed to turn fluid as he fell to her side.

  “On your back,” she commanded. Goosebumps broke out over her as he did what he was told. She climbed to her knees and moved between the tight space between his thighs. “Spread your legs farther.”

  He did so and she fisted the root of his cock. She squeezed it hard, causing the crown to darken.

  “You think you’re going to come home and fuck me? You have that backwards. This cock is mine when I want it. Do you hear me?”

  He said nothing, but his lips parted. His chest rose and fell with each rapid breath.

  Grabbing his sac with her other hand, she squeezed almost as hard. “These too. Mine.” With a jerk to both, she caused his hips to rise off the mattress and for him to grunt. “All mine.”

  She lowered herself until her lips were barely above the swollen head, and whispered, “I will do with it what I want.”

  Once she took him into her mouth, his body relaxed and melted into the bed. She worked the tip of her tongue around the head, tasting the salty precum. Stroking his length, she sucked the knob, then again took him deep. At least as much as she could take of his length, which wasn’t all of him. As she sucked him, licked him, scraped her teeth over the crown, his body flinched and moved with each stroke and caress.