Wicked and the Beast

by Lotta Smith

  Glaring at us, Detective Seagal let out a deep sigh. “Didn’t I tell you not to bring in outsiders? In case you haven’t noticed, you’re currently being threatened by a serial burglar, and having strangers who could be criminals over at your place increases the risk of the theft even more. After all, we don’t know the identity of the Mysterious Art Connoisseur, so anyone could be the thief.”

  “I think his head is too big for his own good,” Jackie commented. “He’s so full of himself.”

  “Strangers who could be criminals? Are you implying we could be the burglars?” Arms crossed, Rick tapped the marble floor with his right foot. “Oh, did I mention my wife and I have level four security clearance?”

  Most cops would’ve backed off and offered an apology for their rude behavior. After all, USCAB was a huge job provider for retired cops, law enforcement agents, and military personnel, and people rarely dared to pick a fight with him. But Detective Seagal was different.

  He raised his chin and gave Rick a dirty look. When they stood face-to-face, Rick was slightly taller than the detective. “We’re talking about a potential heist, not national security. I’d appreciate it if you’d leave this matter to the police.”

  Before Rick could respond, Nicole chimed in. “Haven’t you heard about them? They’ve solved a smorgasbord of high-profile cases, the most notable being the cold case on a live TV show. And—”

  Nicole seemed to have a lot more to say but Seagal butted in. “The Mysterious Art Connoisseur can appear at any time, and I need to keep the storage room clear of risks.”

  “But I need them to take a look at Beast,” Nicole said matter-of-factly. “They’re a very important part of my security team.”

  “Pardon me?” Seagal narrowed his eyes. “That’s not necessary.”

  Hands on her hips, Nicole gave him a sideways glance. “For your information, Beast happens to be mine. I’m an adult, and I can make the choices by myself.”

  A vein bulged on the detective’s neck, but he nodded curtly. “If you say so. But I’ll come with you.” Giving Rick another dirty look, he turned away from us. Good thing he didn’t seem to notice that I existed in the first place. With Jackie voicing her opinions about him, such as “I think he got that tie from the clearance rack at the Gap,” and “I’m sure he spends his spare time picking his nose,” I had to bite my lower lip to keep myself from snorting with laughter.

  “Is he new in town or something?” I whispered to Nicole as the detective turned on his heels and led the way. “He’s different from any of the other NYPD detectives I’ve ever met.”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t ask.” She shrugged.

  “Most cops are just like that unless they want something from us upon retirement,” Rick told us in a low voice. “Maybe he’s uninterested in a postretirement career.”

  We walked the long corridor into an attached wing of the main building. At the end was a door with a keypad.

  Detective Seagal stopped and looked back at us. Nicole stepped forward and, covering the keypad with her hand, punched in the code to unlock the door. Following a beep, the lock clicked open. Inside, there was another locked door, which she unlocked using the key she was wearing on a long necklace.

  Behind the door was a small square room that ran about six yards by six yards. The only furniture in the room was a small display table.

  “If I recall correctly, you had more art pieces here the last time I visited.” Rick cocked his head.

  “Yes, I did,” Nicole explained, “but I had them moved into other storage rooms in the main building. I’m stashing them separately just in case the Mysterious Art Connoisseur actually shows up. I’m not generous enough to offer an all-you-can-steal buffet for the notorious art thief.”

  “I see,” Rick muttered.

  “But isn’t it dangerous to have other pricey art pieces in another room?” I interjected. “The thief might go after the whole storage room full of treasure.”

  A corner of Nicole’s coral lips quirked up into a lopsided grin. “It’s a gamble, I know. Still, the Mysterious Art Connoisseur is known to steal only the most valuable piece at the target household. Am I correct, Detective Seagal?”

  “Exactly.” He nodded, his lips pursing.

  Nicole chuckled contentedly and indicated the display. “Voilà, meet Beast, the most beautiful, sophisticated mask I acquired in Hong Kong.”

  Gleaming on the display table was a costume mask sculpted out of wood. I was no expert in East Asian sculpture, but even I could see the parts painted in brown were carved with impeccable technique. Apparently, the mask was created from a large piece of wood, but it looked as if it was covered in fluffy fur. As for its reddened face, the parts that had been whitewashed over the years since it was created looked like wrinkles chiseled in the aging process. And its skin looked so real and alive that I suspected I could feel the moisture of its sweat and natural oils from the skin—knowing full well it was a piece of art made by someone from the past.

  When I first heard about the mask, I expected something monstrous, as the name Beast implied, but it looked like a familiar animal.

  “That’s a monkey more than a beast,” Rick commented, crossing his arms.

  “No, this is an ape.” Jackie wagged her index finger like a windshield wiper. “Monkeys are cute little critters, and apes are bigger and fiercer. Mandy?”

  I relayed her words to Rick without quoting her. Not that I was stealing her lines, but with Detective Seagal watching us, I wasn’t comfortable attributing it to Jackie.

  “Beast was based upon a legendary Chinese monster. It looks like a monkey or ape, but don’t forget it’s an imaginary creature.”

  While Nicole spoke, an old lady with silver hair, in a gorgeous dress with the most beautiful, classic silhouette, popped up from out of nowhere.

  “In my opinion, this mask is ugly. Not to mention its eyes look too cheap and too fake,” she commented, pointing at what looked like plastic eyeballs in the sculpture’s eye sockets.

  I gasped in surprise. For a moment, I wasn’t sure if she was a human or a ghost, but no one else except for Jackie reacted to her, and with a careful look, I realized her skin tone was hazy but transparent. I quickly ruled out the possibility that another human had joined us.

  “You’re right. This ape’s eyes look so cheap,” Jackie agreed with the ghost, then offered her a smile. “Hi, my name is Jackie. I’m the guardian angel of my BFF Mandy.” She positioned herself as if wrapping her arm around my shoulder. “We’re here to protect this ape mask named Beast. And you are?”

  “My name is Claudia Elliott. Nice to meet you, Jackie.” The ghost raised her chin and shook hands with Jackie. “I used to live here when I was alive. After I died, I started visiting here now and then since she and her husband moved in. I was an art aficionado back when I was alive, and having their lavish collection in the home is so sweet. I usually check on new residents whenever this house has them, and so far, I like them.”

  “I see. I’ve just met Nicole, and I haven’t had a chance to talk to her with Mandy’s interpretation, but she seems like a fun person,” Jackie said.

  Claudia waved at me. “Hello, Mandy. So, you can see people like us, right?”

  I opened my mouth and then closed it. Under normal circumstances, I’d have waved back at her in greeting and started a conversation, but with a certain grumpy detective tagging along with us, I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to answer her. Unsure about my next move, I looked at Rick pleadingly.

  He was quick to respond. Patting my hand, he cleared his throat. “Detective, I’m sensing a ghost here, and I’d appreciate it if you’d excuse us and wait outside for a few minutes so I can talk to the spirit.”

  Seagal crossed his arms. “Why don’t you start talking now? I don’t make much noise.”

  “Oh… so you don’t feel it, do you?” Rick squinted at the detective as if he felt sympathetic for him.

  “What do you mean?” Seagal’s frown
deepened.

  “Well, there’s a ghost of a drag queen, perhaps in his sixties. No, I mean her. Sorry about that. I tend to get confused about the gender of dead people. No offense?” Rick said to the air apologetically. Then he nodded. “Thank you for being tolerant.”

  “Hello? I’m way younger than sixty!” Jackie threw her hands up in the air defensively.

  Then Rick turned to the detective. “The problem is, the ghost seems to be so fond of you that she can’t stop groping you. Right now, she’s planting kisses all over your face while grabbing your… well, private area.” Rick lowered his gaze and glanced at Seagal’s groin.

  “What?” Seagal covered his mouth in shock as he looked down at his private parts. “You’re making it all up, aren’t you?” His tone was defensive, but his legs were pressed tightly together at the knees, like a little girl told by her mom to close her legs.

  “Never mind.” Rick shook his head. “It’s okay as long as you don’t feel her grabbing your nuts, but you’re distracting her so much. If you please, can we have a minute of privacy so the ghost can answer my questions?”

  “Fine!” Detective Seagal snapped. “Have it your way. If the mask disappears while I’m out, it’ll be easy to identify the thief,” he spat, then stormed out of the room.

  Nicole opened her mouth, apparently wanting to say something, but Rick raised a hand. “You can stay, Nicole. Mandy too. Every ghost whisperer needs his assistant, and the owner of the house.”

  “Sure. Of course.” Nicole nodded.

  As the footsteps receded and the door slammed shut, the lock clicking in place, Rick flashed a happy grin. “Now, Mandy, you can introduce us to the ghost. Don’t worry, the detective won’t say anything to the reporter. His head is too big to admit that he was intimidated by a groping drag queen.”

  “All right.” I nodded at the woman. “Hello, Claudia. As Jackie has kindly introduced me, my name is Mandy.”

  CHAPTER 5

  “Hello, Mandy,” Claudia cooed. “I’m glad you weren’t ignoring me. Hello, Rick. I’m impressed with you for getting rid of that rude man. Thank you so much.”

  “You’re very welcome,” Rick chuckled after I relayed her words. “That guy was annoying.”

  “Oh, you were using the drag queen storyline to ditch that detective! I’m so glad you weren’t serious about my age,” Jackie chimed in. “Mandy, you’ve got to relay my words to Rick.”

  I did as she requested, then introduced Nicole to Claudia. “This is Nicole. But you already know her, right? We’re all working together to prevent Beast from being stolen.”

  “Are you sure?” Claudia tilted her head. “What kind of a moron wants to steal such ugly garbage?”

  “What did she say?” Nicole looked at me expectantly. “Does she like Beast?”

  “Well….” I figured I should improve the ghost’s comments, but before I’d managed to come up with a decent reply, Claudia commanded, “You don’t want to lie,” so I admitted, “She’s not a huge fan of Beast.”

  “Oh, that’s too bad.” Nicole frowned. “But art isn’t for everyone, and I’m sure Beast isn’t one of those pieces where everyone can see its value at a glance. Look at its furrowed eyebrows. Whenever I see this part of the mask, I feel the wicked power of its beasty existence.”

  “Oh, really? Whenever I see its furrowed eyebrows, I can’t help but wonder if he’s having a diarrhea attack and dying to rush to the bathroom.” Claudia chuckled.

  Before Nicole questioned me more about the ghost’s opinion on the mask, I changed the subject. “Claudia, a notorious thief called the Mysterious Art Connoisseur is after this mask. Have you seen anyone who might be the thief? For example, someone looking longingly at the mask, or openly saying something like ‘Oh, I wish I had a treasure like this,’ and so on?”

  “I haven’t seen anyone like that.” The ghost shook her head. “Sometimes art dealers hoping to buy some pieces from Nicole and her husband visit here, but all they do is make deals and transactions, no stealing.”

  “So far, she hasn’t seen any potential thieves,” I said.

  “Okay.” Rick nodded and asked me where the ghost was. I indicated her general area, and he turned in the direction and asked, “Claudia, let me ask you a basic question. You’re familiar with Beast, right?”

  “Yes, I am.” She nodded. “But don’t get me wrong. I’m not an old loser with no social life. I pop up here occasionally when I want to kill some time and have a little chuckle over the sick monkey mask. Hmm… considering I come here every day, I might like that ugly mask.” She frowned, muttering, “Oh my goodness. How embarrassing.”

  “I can imagine that.” Jackie patted Claudia’s hand gently. “Sometimes it’s the ugliness and not the beauty that captures our eye. And by the time you’re used to looking at the ugly object, you find it cute.”

  Omitting the part about her dissing our client’s treasure, I relayed the groaning ghost’s words to Rick and Nicole.

  “Hmm, considering how often she comes to look at Beast, it seems she’s in love with it.” Nicole flashed a triumphant smile.

  “Okay.” Rick snapped his fingers. “So, the thief hasn’t replaced the mask with a forgery yet.”

  “No.” Claudia shook her head. “I’m sure no one’s capable of making a replica of this ugly monstrosity, mostly because that will destroy the forger’s eyes. You know, it takes a lot of observation to make a copy of something, and in this case, the original looks like a super-malevolent acquaintance of the Golem who hexed the ring in The Lord of the Rings. Then again, I didn’t know your thief was known to switch the original with forgery.”

  “Nicole says she didn’t know the thief switches his target with a replica, but she’s sure the one we’re looking at right now is the original,” I said, omitting the part with the ghost dissing the monkey mask. “Has Mysterious Art Connoisseur ever used forgery to steal his target?”

  “No, the thief isn’t known as a forger.” Rick shook his head. “Then again, there’s a first time for everything. So I thought it was worth clarifying.”

  “Rest assured, the one we’re looking at right now is real,” Nicole emphasized, a little defiantly. “Regardless of the thief’s MO, Beast is truly one of a kind. Creating a forgery is absolutely impossible. Look at its lovely facial expressions.”

  “Lovely?” I parroted like a total moron.

  Nicole went on. “The name of the sculptor is unknown, but it’s presumed to have been created in the early eleventh century. Thanks to its age, it’s almost impossible to make a fake. Even if anyone dared to forge one, I’m positive that I could point it out as a poorly made copy.”

  “I see. Pros like you can’t be deceived.” Rick nodded.

  “How much is it worth?” Jackie tilted her head.

  “Jackie is asking for the price of Beast,” I relayed.

  “It’s approximately half a million,” Nicole said nonchalantly.

  “Half a million!” Jackie put her palms on both sides of her face a la Scream by Edvard Munch.

  “Wow,” I gasped.

  Without commenting about the mask’s value, Rick looked at the display table. “I don’t like the way it’s stored here. It’s unguarded on the open table, and the mask can fall easily. I believe it’s better to call USCAB and have some more protective measures installed, such as a bulletproof case with a motion detector.”

  As he reached for his phone in his jacket pocket, Nicole grabbed his arm. “Rest assured, Rick. I know it’ll be safer with a case, but whenever I thought about that, I felt sort of suffocated. I suspect Beast likes to stay in an open space where it can breathe. Anyway, I’ve installed soft material on the floor to prevent damage to the mask in case of a fall.”

  “All right. Let me check out the area.” Rick walked toward the small sliding door at the bottom of a wall. Opening it, he muttered, “Hmm, it’s a ventilator.”

  “Right,” Nicole said. “The ventilator brings in fresh air from the garden. The sliding d
oor isn’t lockable, but no one can steal Beast via the ventilator because it’s not large enough for any adults to use as an entrance into the room. Also, Beast is bigger than the spaces between each crossbar.”

  “She’s right.” Jackie floated over and checked it out. “Beast won’t be able to pass through these spaces.”

  Rick was on his knees at the ventilator, studying its structure. “Okay, even if an intruder is peeking from the ventilation window, Beast is invisible at this height. This won’t be a problem.” He stood up and talked to midair. “Claudia, will you be staying here for a while?”

  She tilted her head. “Do you want me to do a stakeout or something?”

  “She’s wondering if you want her to do a stakeout,” I said, indicating where the ghost was floating.

  “Yes, if possible.” Rick looked at the tip of my fingers.

  “Sounds fun. I’d like to do that, but….” She quirked her lips.

  “But?” I interjected, prompting Rick to raise an eyebrow.

  “I have an appointment at the beauty parlor,” Claudia told me with a serious face. “And I’m not talking about just any beauty parlor. It’s the premier salon run by Vidal Sassoon himself, and it takes forever to book a slot. Anyway, I have to leave pretty soon.”

  “Oh… really?” My lips turned into an O.

  “No kidding?” Jackie exclaimed.

  “What did she say?” Rick touched my shoulder.

  “She’d love to do a stakeout, but she has a reservation to have her hair styled by the late Vidal Sassoon himself and has to leave soon.”

  “An appointment with the late Vidal Sassoon? How cool is that?” Nicole’s eyes widened, prompting Rick to clear his throat. “Don’t look at me like that. If the thief attempts to sneak in, we’ll know as soon as anyone enters the perimeter. Both the front and back gates are securely wired with a USCAB system. Of course, the fences are wired as well, so practically no one can come in without my noticing.”

  “I hope so.” Rick crossed his arms.