by Rob Elliott
Jack: I don’t know, Joe. I guess nine?
Joe: No, there were none! They were all a bunch of copycats.
Q: How come hyenas are so healthy?
A: Because laughter is the best medicine.
Q: Why don’t dalmatians like to take baths?
A: They don’t like to be spotless.
Q: What do you get when sheep do karate?
A: Lamb chops.
Q: What happened to the mouse when it fell in the bathtub?
A: It came out squeaky clean.
Q: Why did the cowboy ask his cattle so many questions?
A: He wanted to grill them.
Q: What is a duck’s favorite snack?
A: Cheese and quackers.
Q: What do you call a cow that’s afraid of everything?
A: A cow-ard.
Q: Why did the rooster go to the doctor?
A: It had the cock-a-doodle-flu.
Q: How do birds get ready to work out?
A: They do their worm-ups.
Q: What kind of insects are bad at football?
A: Fumblebees.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer (no idea).
Q: Why is it so easy for an elephant to get a job?
A: Because they’ll work for peanuts.
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a frog?
A: A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every day.
Q: What does a frog say when he washes windows?
A: “Rubbit, rubbit, rubbit.”
Q: What do you get when a lion escapes from the zoo?
A: A cat-astrophe.
Q: What is the best kind of cat to have around?
A: A dandy-lion.
Q: What did the tiger say to her cubs when they wanted to go out and play?
A: “Be careful—it’s a jungle out there!”
Q: Why did the monkey almost get fired?
A: It took him awhile to get in the swing of things.
Q: Why are snails one of the strongest creatures in the world?
A: They can carry their house on their back.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bear with a forest?
A: You get fur trees.
Q: Where do trout keep their money?
A: In a river bank.
Q: What did the worm say to her daughter when she came home late?
A: “Where on earth have you been?”
Q: What did the boy say when he threw a slug across the room?
A: “Man, how slime flies!”
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: It’s an elephant, so who’s going to stop him?
Q: What is a frog’s favorite flower?
A: A croak-us (crocus).
Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in the back seat of the car?
A: Put him in the front seat of the car.
Q: What do you get when you cross a monkey and a peach?
A: You get an ape-ricot.
Q: How do you greet a frog?
A: “Wart’s up?”
Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with an umbrella?
A: You get a rain-deer (reindeer).
Q: Who brings kittens for Christmas?
A: Santa Claws.
Q: What did Santa give Rudolph for his upset stomach?
A: Elk-A-Seltzer
Q: Why can’t an elephant’s trunk be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and a tree branch?
A: A fish stick.
Q: What kind of bird is always depressed?
A: A bluebird.
Q: How high can a bumblebee count?
A: To a buzz-illion.
Q: Why are oysters so strong?
A: Because of their mussels (muscles).
Q: What do you get when you throw a pony in the ocean?
A: A seahorse!
Q: What is the most colorful kind of snake in the world?
A: A rain-boa constrictor (rainbow).
Q: What does a cow keep in its wallet?
A: Moo-la.
Q: What kind of fish comes out at night?
A: A starfish.
Q: What did the dog say to its owner?
A: “I woof you.”
Q: Why couldn’t the dog visit the psychiatrist?
A: Because it wasn’t allowed on the couch.
Q: What kind of cats like to play in the water?
A: Sea lions.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Moo.
Moo, who?
Make up your mind—are you a cow or an owl?
Q: How does a dog say goodbye?
A: “Bone-Voyage!”
Q: What do llamas like to drink?
A: Strawberry llama-nade (lemonade).
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: Fsh!
Q: What do you get when you throw a pig into the bushes?
A: A hedgehog.
Q: What did the duck say to the clerk at the store?
A: “Just put it on my bill!”
Q: What did the frogs say to each other on their wedding day?
A: “I’ll love you until the day I croak!”
Q: Why was the golden retriever so stressed out?
A: Because he has so doggone much to do.
Q: Why was the horse in so much pain?
A: Because he was a charlie horse.
Q: What is red and weights 14,000 pounds?
A: An elephant holding its breath.
Q: What do cats like to eat for a snack?
A: Mice krispy bars.
Q: How did the bunny rabbit feel when he ran out of carrots?
A: It made him unhoppy!
Q: What does a hen do when she goes grocery shopping?
A: She makes a list and chicks it twice!
Q: What did the fish say when it won the prize?
A: That’s fin-tastic (fantastic)!
Q: Why did the grizzly tell the same story over and over?
A: Because he said it bears repeating!
Q: What will a moose do if he calls when you’re not home?
A: He’ll leave a detailed moose-age.
Q: What do you get when you put glasses on a pony?
A: A see-horse.
Q: Where do bunnies like to eat?
A: IHOP!
Q: How do you know when a rhino is ready to charge?
A: It gets out its credit card.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Raymond.
Raymond who?
Raymond me to take the dog for a walk!
Q: What do you call a racoon that crosses the road with his eyes shut?
A: Roadkill!
Q: Where should a 600-pound lion go?
A: On a diet!
Q: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
A: Hold its nose!
Q: What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk?
A: Winnie the Pew.
Q: What kind of sea creature is always depressed?
A: A blue whale.
Q: What did the beaver say to the tree?
A: “It’s been nice getting to gnaw you! ”
Q: What did the roach wear to the party?
A: A cock-broach.
Q: Why was the dog hungry all the time?
A: Because it was a chow.
Q: What kind of animal wears shoes while it’s sleeping?
A: A horse!
Q: Why did the gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the chicken’s shoe!
Q: How does a mother hen know when her chicks are ready to hatch?
A: She uses an egg timer.
Q: What happens when you get a thousand bunnies to line up and jump backward?
A: You have a receding hare line!
Q: Where is the best place to park your dog?
A: The barking lot.
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Q: What do you get when a cat climbs down your chimney with a bag of presents?
A: Santa Paws.
Q: Why can’t you hear a dinosaur talk?
A: Because dinosaurs are extinct!
Q: Why don’t lobsters share their toys?
A: Because they’re shellfish (selfish)!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Either.
Either who?
It’s the Either Bunny!
Q: What is a chicken’s favorite composer?
A: Bach, Bach, Bach!
Q: What is a fly’s favorite composer?
A: Shoo-bert (Schubert).
Q: What do you get when you cross a bat and a cell phone?
A: A bat-mobile.
Q: Did you know that a kangaroo can jump higher than your house?
A: Of course! Your house can’t jump!
Q: What time does a duck get up?
A: At the quack of dawn.
Q: What is black, white, and wet all over?
A: A zebra that was pushed into a swimming pool!
Q: What’s black, white, and laughing?
A: The zebra that pushed the other zebra into the swimming pool!
Q: Why don’t bunnies tell scary stories?
A: Because it makes the hare stand up on the back of their necks.
Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff.
Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A: A ba-BOOM!
Q: What do you call a pig that took a plane?
A: Swine flew (flu).
Q: What was the elephant doing on the freeway?
A: I don’t know—about 10 miles per hour?
Jack: Do you like that cow over there?
Jill: No, I like the udder one!
Q: What do cats use to do their homework?
A: A meow-culator.
Q: Why did the hornet have to fly back home?
A: Because he forgot his yellow jacket.
Q: Why did the bee visit the barber?
A: Because he wanted a buzz cut.
Bill: Would you like some honey?
Bob: May-bee!
Q: How did the bee get ready for school?
A: She used her honey comb!
Q: What do you get when you cross a vulture and a bumblebee?
A: A buzz-ard.
Q: What is a horse’s favorite kind of fruit?
A: Straw-berries.
Q: What is a horse’s favorite kind of nut?
A: Hay-zelnuts.
Q: What is a mouse’s favorite game?
A: Hide and squeak.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because it’s too far to walk, and their feet won’t reach the pedals on a bicycle!
Cow #1: Did you hear about that crazy disease going around called mad cow disease?
Cow #2: I sure did—good thing I’m a penguin!
A policeman saw a lady with a hippopotamus walking down the street. He said, “Ma’am, you need to take that hippo to the zoo.” The next day the lady was again walking down the street with the hippopotamus. The policeman said, “Ma’am, I told you to take that hippo to the zoo.” The lady replied, “I did take him to the zoo, and today I’m taking him to the movies!”
Q: What is the best way to communicate with a squirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
Q: Why can’t cats drink milk in outer space?
A: Because the milk is in flying saucers!
Q: What’s more annoying than a cat meowing outside your bedroom window?
A: Ten cats meowing outside your bedroom window!
Q: What do you do when you come upon two snails fighting?
A: Just let them slug it out . . .
Q: What’s the best way to learn about spiders?
A: On a web-site!
Q: What does a frog drink when it wants to lose weight?
A: Diet Croak.
Q: Why did the firefly get bad grades on his report card?
A: Because he wasn’t very bright!
Q: Why was the caterpillar running for its life?
A: Because it was being chased by a dog-erpillar!
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a snowman?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What is the difference between a fly and an eagle?
A: An eagle can fly, but a fly can’t eagle.
Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse!
A duck went shopping at the grocery story and went to the register to pay. The store clerk asked, “Don’t you have exact change?” The duck answered, “Nope, sorry, I only carry bills!”
Q: What do you call an elephant that never takes a bath?
A: A smell-ephant!
Q: What is a fish’s favorite game show?
A: Name that tuna (tune).
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Bee.
Bee who?
Just bee yourself!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Owl.
Owl who?
Owl tell you another joke if you let me in . . .
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Aardvark.
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a thousand miles just to see you!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
Ouch! Amos-quito bit me!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Bug spray.
Bug spray who?
Bug spray they won’t get squished!
Q: Where do horses live?
A: In neigh-borhoods.
Q: What kind of fish are worth a lot of money?
A: Goldfish.
Q: Where do monkeys make their burgers?
A: On the grill-a (gorilla).
Q: What did one nightcrawler say to the other nightcrawler?
A: “I know this great place down the road where we can eat dirt cheap!”
Q: Why does a herd of deer have plenty of money?
A: Because they have a lot of bucks!
Q: What is a bug’s favorite music?
A: The Beatles.
Q: What is a frogs favorite outdoor game?
A: Croak-quet (croquet)
Q: What kind of animal will never leave you alone?
A: The badger.
Q: Why did the bug get up early every morning?
A: Because it was a praying mantis.
Q: What kind of animal always contradicts itself?
A: A hippo-crite.
Q: Where do you put your dog when he’s not behaving?
A: In the grrrrr-age!
Q: What do you call a cat with eight legs that can swim?
A: An octo-puss.
Q: Why were the robins eating cake?
A: Because it was their bird-thday!
Q: Why did the pythons decide to get married?
A: Because they had a crush on each other.
Q: What do you do if there is a lion in your bed?
A: Go to a hotel for the night!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snail and a porcupine?
A: A slow poke.
Q: What’s green, has six legs, and climbs beanstalks?
A: The Jolly Green Gi-ant.
Q: What’s gray and goes round and round and round?
A: An elephant on a merry-go-round.
Q: Why did the raccoon cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double crosser.
Q: What do you get when you have a bunch of giraffes on the highway?
A: A giraff-ic jam.
Q: What performs at the circus and flies around eating mosquitos?
A: An acro-bat.
Q: Why was the crow on the phone?
A: Because he was making a long-distance phone caw!
Cu
stomer: Do you serve turkeys here?
Waitress: We serve anyone, so go ahead and take a seat.
Q: How do fleas travel from dog to dog?
A: By itch hiking.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Gnat.
Gnat who?
I’m gnat who you think I am!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Moose.
Moose who?
It moose be time to let me in, so open the door!
Q: How do you know which end of a worm is the head?
A: Tickle the middle and see which end laughs.
Q: Why are chickens so bad at baseball?
A: Because they’re always hitting fowl balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross a beetle and a rabbit?
A: Bugs bunny!
Q: What do skunks like to eat when they’re hungry?
A: Peanut butter and smelly sandwiches.
Q: What do you get when you cross a penguin and a jalapeño?
A: A chilly pepper.
Q: Why can’t you trust what a pig says?
A: Because it’s full of bologna.
Q: What’s large, gray, and has eighteen wheels?
A: An elephant in a semi-truck.
Q: What is a polar bear’s favorite breakfast?
A: Ice krispies.
Q: Why did all the animals fall asleep in the barn?
A: Because the pigs were so boar-ing (boring).
Q: Why didn’t the snake know how much it weighed?
A: Because it shed its scales.
Q: What does a leopard say after dinner?
