by Rob Elliott
A: “That hit the spot!”
Q: How does a cow get to church on Sunday?
A: On its moo-torcycle.
Q: Why did the moose lift weights at the gym?
A: Because it wanted big moose-les (muscles).
Q: Why didn’t the crab spend any of his money?
A: Because he was a penny pincher.
Q: What does a cow like to drink before bed?
A: De-calf-inated coffee (decaffeinated).
*bear
Q: What are you doing if you’re staring at a starfish?
A: Stargazing.
Q: Why was the duck happy after his doctor’s appointment?
A: Because he got a clean bill of health.
Q: Where do bugs go to do their shopping?
A: The flea market.
Q: What kind of dessert do dogs run away from?
A: Pound cake.
Q: How do you know if there is a black bear in your oven?
A: The oven door won’t close!
Q: Why did the cheetah get glasses?
A: Because it was seeing spots.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cod.
Cod who?
Cod you let me in? It’s cold out here!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Shellfish.
Shellfish who?
Don’t be shellfish—let me in!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Rhino.
Rhino who?
Rhino you want to let me in.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Raven.
Raven who?
I’ve been raven about you to all my friends, so won’t you let me in?
Q: What is the richest bird in the world?
A: The golden eagle.
Q: Why was a pig on the airplane?
A: Because its owner wanted to see pigs fly.
Q: Why was the frog in a bad mood?
A: Because he was having a toad-ally bad day.
Q: What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A: Stuck!
Q: Why were the elephants kicked off the beach?
A: Because they kept throwing their trunks in the water.
Q: Where do old ants go?
A: The ant-ique store.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a toad?
A: A bullfrog.
Q: What do you get when you cross a water buffalo and a chicken?
A: Soggy buffalo wings.
Q: How do chickens stay in shape?
A: They eggs-ercise.
Q: How do skunks watch the news?
A: On their smell-evision.
Q: Why did the rabbit work at the hotel?
A: Because he made a good bellhop.
Josh: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Anna: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: What do dinosaurs put in their cars?
A: Fossil fuel.
Q: How did the pig write a letter?
A: With its pig pen.
Q: What happened to the snake when it got upset?
A: It got hiss-terical.
Q: What did the rattlesnakes do after they had a fight?
A: They hissed and made up.
Q: What does a monkey drink with its breakfast?
A: Ape juice.
Q: What happened to the platypus when it fell in the hole?
A: It became a splatypus.
Q: How do crocodiles make their dinner?
A: In a croc pot.
Q: Where do ants go when it’s hot outside?
A: Ant-arctica.
Q: Why do pigs make great comedians?
A: Because they like to ham it up.
Q: What is a pig’s favorite play?
A: Hamlet.
Q: Where do pigs put their dirty laundry?
A: In the hamper.
Q: Why was the pig having trouble walking?
A: Because he pulled his hamstring.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a mosquito?
A: A bloodhound.
Q: What do you get when you combine a cat and a dog?
A: Catnip.
Q: What does a squirrel like to eat for breakfast?
A: Dough-nuts!
Q: What is a monkey’s favorite book?
A: Apes of Wrath.
Q: How do skunks get in touch with each other?
A: They use their smell phones.
Q: How do crabs call each other?
A: They use their shell phones.
Q: What do you call a ladybug that won’t clean up its room?
A: A litterbug.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Otter.
Otter who?
You otter open this door and let me in!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Dragon.
Dragon who?
Quit dragon this out and open the door!
Q: What happened to the rich snake who had everything?
A: He decided to scale back.
Q: How do you stop a 10-pound parrot from talking too much?
A: Buy a 20-pound cat.
Q: Why did the cat study its spelling words fifty times?
A: Because practice makes purr-fect.
Q: What do you get when you cross a brontosaurus and a lemon?
A: A dino-sour.
Q: What’s green, has warts, and lives alone?
A: Hermit the frog.
Q: Why was the bird wearing a wig?
A: Because it was a bald eagle.
Q: What did the baby shark do when it got lost in the ocean?
A: It whaled (wailed).
Q: What kind of house does a pig live in?
A: A hog cabin.
Q: How do frogs send a telegraph?
A: They use Morse toad (code).
Q: How did the frog get over the tall wall?
A: With a tad-pole.
Q: What is a cow’s favorite vegetable?
A: Cow-iflower.
Q: Why did the pigs write a lot of letters?
A: Because they were pen pals.
Q: What does a cat wear at night?
A: Its paw-jamas.
Q: What did the night crawler’s parents say after their child got home after curfew?
A: “Where on earth have you been?”
Q: Where did the fish go each morning?
A: To their school.
Q: What does a racehorse like to eat for lunch?
A: Fast food.
Q: What do you give a mouse on its birthday?
A: Cheese-cake.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Iguana.
Iguana who?
Iguana come in, so please open up!
Emma: If Noah got milk from the cows, eggs from the chickens, and wool from the sheep on the ark, what did he get from the ducks?
Leah: I don’t know, Emma, what?
Emma: Quackers!
Q: Which animal on the ark had the highest IQ?
A: The giraffe!
Q: What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot Cross Bunnies.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Owl.
Owl who?
I’m tired of knocking, so owl see you later.
Q: What do cobras put on their bathroom floor?
A: Rep-tiles.
Q: What’s a cow’s favorite painting?
A: The Moo-na Lisa.
Q: What is a bee’s favorite toy?
A: A fris-bee!
Q: What is a dolphin’s favorite game show?
A: Whale of Fortune.
Q: What does a goat use when it’s camping?
A: A sheeping bag.
Q: What kind of dog is good at chemistry?
A: A Lab-rador retriever
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Q: What is a lightning bug’s favorite game?
A: Hide and glow seek.
Q: Why did the cat go to the beauty salon?
A: It needed a pet-icure.
Q: How did the leopard lose its spots?
A: It took a bath and came out spotless.
Q: What did the firefly say before the big race?
A: “Ready, set, glow!”
Q: What did the firefly have for lunch?
A: A light meal.
Q: What did the wolf say when it met its new neighbors?
A: “Howl are you doing?”
Q: Why don’t goats mind their own business?
A: Because they’re always butting in.
Q: What did the mother possum say to her son?
A: “Quit hanging around all day and do something!”
Q: Why did the cat vanish into thin air?
A: Because it drank evaporated milk.
Q: Where do cows go to dance?
A: The meatball.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Seal.
Seal who?
My lips are sealed until you open the door!
Q: What lives in a hole, has horns, and runs really fast?
A: An ant-elope.
Q: What kind of tree has the most bark?
A: The dogwood tree.
Q: Why didn’t the bug feel like doing anything?
A: Because it was a slug.
Q: What’s a bird’s favorite movie?
A: Batman and Robin.
Q: What happened to the worm when it didn’t clean its room?
A: It was grounded.
Q: Why did the cat have trouble using its computer?
A: Because it kept eating the mouse.
Q: Why did the mosquito wake up in the middle of the night?
A: It was having a bite-mare.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Goat.
Goat who?
You’re getting my goat—just let me in!
Q: What is a wolf’s favorite treat?
A: Pigs in a blanket.
Q: What is a wolf’s favorite book?
A: Little Howl on the Prairie.
Q: What did the bird wear to the ball?
A: A duck-sedo (tuxedo).
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: To eat the chickens on the other side.
Q: When can an elephant sit under an umbrella and not get wet?
A: When it’s not raining.
Q: What is the sleepiest dinosaur?
A: The Bronto-snore-ous.
Q: What do you get when a rhinoceros goes running through your garden?
A: Squash.
Q: Why did the dog quit playing football?
A: The game got too ruff (rough).
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a cow?
A: A ham-burger.
Q: What do you do if a cow won’t give milk?
A: You mooove on to the udder one.
Q: Why did the horse wake up in the middle of the night?
A: It was having a night-mare.
Q: What do you get when a pig does karate?
A: Pork chops!
Q: Where do cats shop for their toys?
A: From a toy cat-alog.
Q: How are A’s just like flowers?
A: Bees follow them.
Q: Where do fish like to sleep?
A: On their water beds.
Q: What kind of birds like to stick together?
A: Vel-crows.
Q: What do you get when you cross a salmon and an elephant?
A: Swim trunks.
Q: What is a frog’s favorite snack?
A: French flies.
Q: What is big, gray, and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
Q: Why do fish make good lawyers?
A. Because they like de-bait.
Q: What do you get when a barn full of cows won’t give milk?
A: Udder chaos.
Q: What do you call it when one cow is spying on another cow?
A: A steak out.
Tim: My dog keeps chasing people on a bike!
Tom: Why don’t you put him on a leash?
Tim: No, I think I’ll just take his bike away.
Q: What’s a cow’s favorite game?
A: Moo-sical chairs.
Q: What kind of keys never unlock anything?
A: Monkeys, turkeys, and donkeys.
Jill: How do elephants smell?
Jane: Not very good!
Q: What has two heads, four eyes, six legs, and a tail?
A: A cowboy on a horse.
Q: Where do bears keep their clothes?
A: In a claw-set (closet).
Q: What kind of bugs wear sneakers?
A: Shoo flies (shoe flies).
Q: What game do leopards always lose?
A: Hide and seek—they always get spotted.
Q: Why are snails shy at parties?
A: They don’t want to come out of their shell.
Q: Why did the bull owe so much money?
A: Because it always charged.
Q: What is a chicken’s favorite game?
A: Duck, duck, goose.
Q: Did you hear about the dog that didn’t have any teeth?
A: Its bark was worse than its bite.
Q: What do dogs have that no other animals have?
A: Puppies.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Fur.
Fur who?
I’m waiting fur you to open the door!
Q: What has a horn but does not honk?
A: A rhinoceros.
Q: Why do dragons sleep all day?
A: Because they like to hunt knights.
Q: What kind of bone is hard for a dog to eat?
A: A trombone.
Q: How did the gorilla fix its bike?
A: With a monkey wrench.
Q: What is a woodpecker’s favorite kind of joke?
A: A knock-knock joke.
Q: What do you call a story about a giraffe?
A: A tall tale.
Q: What did the vet give to the sick parakeet?
A: A special tweetment.
Anna: Can a seagull eat fifty fish in an hour?
Leah: No, but a peli-can!
Q: What kind of bee is good for your health?
A: Vitamin B.
Q: What do you get when you put a pig in a blender?
A: Bacon bits.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with suitcases.
Q: What kind of dogs can tell time?
A: Watchdogs.
Q: What do you get when you combine a bear and a pig?
A: A teddy boar.
Q: How did the bird open the can of birdseed?
A: With a crowbar.
Two cockroaches are eating together in a garbage can. One cockroach says to the other, “Did you hear about the new restaurant that opened up down the road? It has the cleanest kitchen I’ve ever seen. The place sparkles and shines. There isn’t a crumb anywhere to be found!” The other cockroach looked up and said, “Please stop! I’m eating here!”
Q: What do woodpeckers eat for breakfast?
A: Oak-meal.
Q: How do dolphins make hard decisions?
A: By flippering a coin.
Q: Why was the lion always tired?
A: It would only take catnaps.
Q: What is the smartest bird in the world?
A: Owl-bert Einstein.
Q: What kind of animal never gets old?
A: A gnu (new).
Q: How do turkeys travel across the ocean?
A: In a gravy boat.
Q: What did the wolf do when he heard the joke?
A: He howled.
Q: What did the spider say to the fly?
A: “Why don’t you stick around for a while?”
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Q: How do you grow a blackbird?
A: Plant some birdseed.
Q: Why did the turkey have a stomachache?
A: He gobbled up his food too fast.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Bat.
Bat who?
I bat you’re going to let me in soon!
Q: What did the mouse say when he lost his piece of cheese?
A: “Rats!”
Q: What is a cat’s favorite dessert?
A: Mice cream.
Q: Where do skunks like to sit in church?
A: In the front pew.
Josh: Should I go see the prairie dogs in Texas?
Anna: Sure, Josh, gopher it!
Q: What do you get when you cross a deer and a pirate?
A: A buck-aneer.
Q: Why was the elephant mad at the bellman?
A: He dropped its trunk.
Q: What happened when the giraffes had a race?
A: They were neck and neck the whole time.
Q: Why didn’t the llama get any dessert?
A: He wouldn’t eat his llama beans (lima beans).
Q: What does a cat do when he wants popcorn in the middle of the movie?
A: He pushes the paws button.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Elephant.
Elephant who?
You forgot to feed the elephant?!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Badger.
Badger who?
I’ll stop badgering you if you let me in!
