Candy Slain

by Chelsea Thomas

  I stopped when I saw Germany. He was standing out in the field between the farmhouse in the barn. Looking up at the snow. Smiling.

  I approached suddenly feeling more at ease. “Germany. What are you doing?”

  Germany yelled back. “I can’t hear you.”

  I jogged toward him. Slowed to a walk when I was a few feet away. “What are you doing out here?”

  Germany through his arms back and looked up to the sky. “I’m enjoying the snow. We didn’t have snow where I was studying the lions in Africa.”

  I shoved my hands in my pockets. “Right. But you’ve seen snow.”

  “Of course. But I try to enjoy each new snowfall with the wonder of a small, naïve child.” Germany took a deep breath. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

  Germany stuck his tongue out to catch a snowflake. I watched him for a moment, my teeth chattering, my body shivering, my hands like blocks of ice.

  Germany reached out and took my hand. “You’re cold,” he said. He pressed my fingers between his left hand and his right hand. “I call this a hand sandwich,” he said, looking into my eyes. I giggled, and Germany squeezed my hand more tightly. “How does it feel to be 10 times more beautiful than the snow?”

  I looked down. “Germany. That’s ridiculous.”

  “I mean it. Each of the freckles on your face is more wonderful and unique than any snowflake.”

  I looked up at Germany. His cheeks were red from the cold. His eyes sparkled in the moonlight. “Thank you, Germany.Your nose is red.”

  “So is yours.”

  “I know,” I said. We kept standing there. Looking at each other. Like we were in a romantic staring contest. “Isn’t it funny,” I said, “how the snow makes a sound when it falls? Nobody ever talks about hearing the snow, but it’s such a soft, comforting sound.”

  Germany moved his hand toward my face, brushing my skin with his warm fingers. “You’ve got a…a snowflake in your eyelash.” He kept his hand resting on my cheek. Tilted my head gently upwards. Leaned toward me…

  “We’re about to kiss, aren’t we?” I said. Ugh. Leave it to me to shove my foot directly in the way of an impending…

  I couldn’t even finish my self-deprecating thought, because before I knew it, Germany was kissing me. His lips, warm like his hands, pressed into mine, and I could smell the saltiness of his skin, I could feel his body, melting into mine… Suddenly, my whole self was warm, like I’d stepped into a furnace. OK, maybe not that warm. But nice.

  Germany pulled away. “Maybe we should exchange gifts right here. Out in the snow.”

  I cringed. I had forgotten about the spatula. “Oh. OK. You go first.”

  Germany shook his head. “Please. Ladies first. I know that’s an old-fashioned sentiment, but I am in some ways quite old-fashioned.” You don’t say…

  I could tell there was no sense arguing with Germany. I gulped. I’d already felt pretty crappy about not remembering to buy something for him. But after that kiss, I felt absolutely like pond scum about it. But what could I do? “OK,” I said. “Here goes.”

  I reached into my coat. Pulled out the spatula. Handed it to Germany.

  He took the spatula like it was a rare work of art. “This is magnificent. I don’t own a spatula. I’ve always dreamt of owning a spatula. Flipping things. Getting underneath things as they cooked in the pan. Wow. I’m now the proud owner of a spatula. That seems to have been…pre-used for maximum character.”

  I laughed, a weird staccato laugh of relief and confusion. “You’re very nice. But… it’s just a spatula. I’m sorry... I got caught up in the investigation. I forgot to get you something real. But I’m going to find something for you and give it to you soon.”

  Germany held up his hands. “Please. I would forget too, if I were hunting a killer. Want to see what I got you?”

  I hesitated. “Maybe we should wait,” I said, “until I have a real gift for you.”

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I can’t wait another second; I really want to give you your gift!” Germany handed me the large box. I laughed and took it, surprised by its weight.

  I relished the process of unwrapping the gift. As a little kid, I’d torn the paper off of gifts, eager to get to whatever was inside. But as an adult, I wanted to savor the moment. The seconds of anticipation, the unsated curiosity… those feelings were a gift unto themselves. Germany’s gift wrap was beautiful, so I gently uncreased it, piece by piece. Then I opened the box.

  Inside was a large golden cup about eight inches in diameter. I pulled the cup out. It was really more of a goblet than a cup, or a trophy. Decorated with fine stones and emeralds. One side of the cup depicted a beautiful Christmas scene of Santa feeding his reindeer.

  It was odd but striking…and unique. Just like Germany, I guess.

  “Wow,” I said. “Thank you.”

  “It’s a Christmas chalice,” said Germany. “I’ve been told that it’s very rare. Special. I know how much you love the holidays, and I thought it might appeal to your designer’s eye. Do you like it?”

  I nodded. “Of course. I love it. But where did you get it?”

  Germany smiled. “Funny story, that is.” Germany waved his hand across the night sky to paint the picture. “I was sitting in the local bar a few weeks ago, drinking my problems away—”

  “Hold on. What problems were you drinking?” I asked.

  “I had no idea what to get you for Christmas.” Obviously.

  Germany continued, telling me that he’d purchased the chalice from Cookie Starr on the night after Orville died.

  Which meant Cookie was selling off valuables…the night after her husband was murdered.

  41

  The Way the Cookie Crumbles

  “I think the Cookie Starr killed Orville.” I burst into the farmhouse, out of breath.

  Miss May hurried over to me. “Slow down. What are you talking about? Did Germany solve the case for us as your Christmas present?”

  “No,” I said. “No, he bought this,” I held up the chalice, “from Cookie the night after Orville died.”

  “I don’t know,” Teeny said. “I like the name Cookie. You really think somebody named Cookie could be a killer?”

  Miss May’s eyes were trained on the chalice. “Let me see that?” I handed Miss May the giant Christmas chalice. “Wow, it’s heavy.”

  “Looks expensive,” Teeny said.

  Miss May and Teeny exchanged a quizzical look. Miss May turned back to me. “I suppose it’s odd that Cookie was selling things so soon after Orville’s death. But maybe she needed the money for his funeral. Maybe the mayor refused to pay up for Orville’s Santa duties posthumously. We saw he wasn’t living large in Philadelphia… maybe the couple was struggling for money.”

  “But Philadelphia was just an old address,” I said. “They lived in that big, old house outside of town and, and…” I took a deep breath. “I think it goes way deeper than just paying for funeral expenses.” I grabbed my car keys from a hook by the door. “Come on.”

  “Where are we going?” Miss May asked as she and Teeny followed me outside.

  “We’re going to talk to Liz.”

  I exploded into the office of the Pine Grove Gazette with Miss May close behind me. Liz stood up behind her desk and removed her glasses.

  “Chelsea. You can’t storm in here like that. This is a sacred place of serious journalism.”

  “I’m sorry. But I need you to tell me about those Christmas crimes you mentioned.”

  Liz peered around me, over at Miss May.

  Miss May shrugged. “I don’t know what she’s on about, but she means business.”

  Liz clicked around on her computer. “There have been so many Christmas crimes this year. Disturbing. Most recently a blue-ribbon gingerbread house got fully eaten in the cover of night. All the criminal left behind was the black licorice.”

  “No one likes black licorice,” said Teeny.

  Liz shrugged. “I don’t mind it if
I’m in the right mood. It can be satisfying. Like very dark chocolate.”

  I stepped forward. “Black licorice is gross, but now’s not the time! Tell me about other crimes. What else has happened?”

  Liz continued to click around. “Let’s see... Santa’s Village vandalized in Florida. Santa’s reindeer stolen from a farm in Wisconsin. North Pole Museum in Delaware was robbed. A silk Santa suit was destroyed in Alabama.”

  I pointed at the computer. “Go back. Tell me what happened in Delaware.”

  Liz double-clicked a headline. Scanned an article. “It looks like some big Santa Claus mug was stolen from a museum. Everything else was left untouched.”

  “Mug like a big, gold chalice?” I asked. “Covered in precious stones?”

  Liz scratched her ear. “How did you know?”

  I gulped. “I think I know who stole it.”

  Miss May gasped. “Orville.”

  Liz looked between me and Miss May. “Orville is dead.”

  I nodded. “Exactly. He stole that chalice. Then someone killed him to get their hands on it.”

  Miss May nodded. “And we know who it was.”

  “Who?” Liz asked.

  Teeny stepped forward and threw her hands up. “Yeah. Who? Nobody tells me anything.”

  Miss May swallowed. “We’ll let you know as soon as the criminal is behind bars.”

  Liz slammed her laptop closed. “That’s preposterous. I provided critical information. You tell me right now. I insist as a journalist.”

  Miss May gave Liz a mollifying hug. “I’m sorry, Liz. We’ll provide you a play-by-play of the investigation as soon as it’s wrapped. Right now, we need to leave.” Miss May exited the office. Teeny and I looked after her.

  “Wait. Where we going? Teeny asked.

  Miss May held the door open. “Come on. You’ll see.”

  42

  Big Dan the Man

  We arrived at Big Dan’s just as he locked up for the night. Miss May jumped out of the VW bus with a panicked expression on her face.

  “Big Dan. Where are you going?”

  Big Dan shrugged. “It’s 7 o’clock on Christmas Eve. I’m headed home. I may not have very many people in my life but there’s a Christmas special about a red-nosed reindeer that I don’t want to miss.”

  “Can the shop stay open thirty more minutes?” Miss May pleaded with her eyes.

  “Is it life or death?”

  “I think it might be.”

  Big Dan swayed from side to side, making up his mind.

  Teeny climbed out of the car, clasping her hands. “Please, Big Dan. Help us out?”

  Big Dan took a step back. “Well. Teeny. I guess I could stay open.”

  Teeny smiled. She batted her eyelashes. “Thanks, Big Dan. You’re the greatest mechanic in Pine Grove.”

  “I’m the only mechanic in Pine Grove. Still. That means a lot coming from you.”

  “Because I’m such a harsh critic?” Teeny smiled.

  Big Dan nodded. “Exactly.”

  Miss May stepped forward. “Sorry. Don’t want to break up this love fest.”

  Big Dan and Teeny erupted in objections. For some reason, they both felt the need to deny their obvious chemistry. Which, frankly, only made them cuter.

  “Sure. It’s not a love fest,” said Miss May. “Whatever you’re doing,can you put it on hold? Big Dan, we need your help.”

  Big Dan nodded. “Sure. Whatever you say. You got some sort of repairs you need?”

  Miss May pressed her hands together in gratitude. “Thank you. I’m wondering... Do you still have Orville Starr’s car?”

  “Yup. I delayed the repairs just in case you all needed the car as evidence.”

  “Perfect. Will you call the number Orville left? Get his wife, Cookie, down here to pick it up.”

  Big Dan picked up the phone. “You think Orville was killed by his own wife?”

  Miss May let out a deep breath. “I think it’s possible. And if that’s true... She’s very dangerous.”

  Teeny shook her head. “So despicable. To murder your own husband. I would never murder my husband. If I had a husband. Which I don’t because I’m single.”

  Big Dan turned down the side of his mouth. “Good to know.” He dialed the number on Orville Starr’s receipt. It rang. It rang again.

  Sure enough, Cookie Starr picked up on the third ring. Miss May stepped forward. She whispered. “Ask her if she can pick up the car tonight.”

  Big Dan adopted what I assumed was his persuasive tone. “I know it’s cold and windy but... I’m going on vacation tomorrow. For a month. So if you don’t pick up your car tonight you won’t be able to drive anywhere until the end of January. OK. See you soon.”

  Big Dan hung up.

  Teeny smiled. “Wow, Dan. That was very convincing. What a great lie. You should hear the bogus lies Chelsea comes up with. Totally unbelievable.”

  “I don’t mess up my lies that bad,” I said.

  Teeny crossed her arms and looked at me. “You gave Germany Turtle a spatula for Christmas.” I hung my head. She had a point.

  Fifteen minutes later, a taxi stopped in front of the shop and Cookie Starr stepped out. She was wearing a long, black coat. She was also wearing sunglasses and had a red scarf wrapped around her like Jackie O. The taxi driver popped the trunk and Cookie pulled out an enormous suitcase.

  Miss May, Teeny, Big Dan, and I watched from Big Dan’s office. “Looks like she’s planning a vacation,” Teeny said. “A vacation to jail.”

  “Good one, Teeny,” said Big Dan.

  Teeny and Big Dan shared a cute look, but it didn’t last long. Because Cookie Starr entered the office and she was holding a gun.

  “I figured I’d see the three fake detectives here.” Cookie removed the safety from the gun. “Give me the chalice. Now.”

  I stammered. “Chalice, what? Detectives, who? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just here hanging out with my friends. Miss May and I are, uh, matchmaking Big Dan and Teeny.”

  “We’re just friends,” said Teeny.

  “Right,” said Big Dan. “Although we are both single and we get along well. And maybe we would enjoy getting a cup of coffee sometime.”

  “Coffee sometime could be nice,” said Teeny. “But, as of right now, we are friends.”

  Big Dan nodded. “Exactly.”

  “Shut up!” Cookie thrust the gun out further in front of her. “I’m no fool. You think I would just come down here on Christmas Eve without being prepared? You think I believed that preposterous lie about Big Dan going away for the entire month of January? This man hates travel. I can see it just looking at him.”

  “I get motion sickness,” Big Dan said. “And claustrophobia. I don’t much like crowds either. But I still enjoy travel from time to time.”

  “Well not anymore,” said Cookie. “You’re not gonna be traveling much after I’m through with you.”

  I gulped. “That sounds…like a threat. Are you going to kill us like you killed your husband?”

  “That idiot wasn’t my husband. He was my partner.”

  “Life partner?” Teeny asked. “Was it a transgender thing?”

  Cookie cackled. “He was my partner-in-crime. He found out about the chalice in Delaware. Realized it was worth a small fortune. We infiltrated the place as Santa and Mrs. Claus. The plan was, we were going to sell the chalice on the black market. Then that idiot got cold feet. Didn’t want to sell it for the price we’d agreed upon. So I did what I had to do.”

  “You killed Orville for the chalice…” I trailed off as I pieced the mystery together. “Then who was Lincoln? How was he involved?”

  “I bet he was the elf at the Delaware Museum,” said Miss May. “He was witness to their crime. He tracked them down to Pine Grove and demanded a part of the payday.”

  “Not bad,” Cookie said. “Lincoln and Orville had run in the same circles for a long time, and Lincoln was always a little sneak. That little creep
didn’t do anything to deserve a cut. And I don’t take kindly to extortion.”

  “If you don’t mind me asking… Why’d you sell the chalice to somebody in Pine Grove? Seems a little obvious…”

  “I wasn’t planning to,” Cookie said. “But I was sitting at the bar with your boyfriend and he mentioned looking for a gift… stupid kid paid twice what I wanted for that chalice. Plus, my plan was always to steal it back and sell it again on the black market. I didn’t think it would be this easy. I didn’t think the chalice would walk straight back into my lap and take a seat. But here we all are.”

  “I don’t have the chalice,” I said. “And I don’t have a boyfriend.”

  Cookie laughed. “Nice try. That Germany kid never shuts up. About you or anything else. I know you’re together. I know he gave the cup to you. So fork it over. Or tell me where it is so I can go get it. That’s your only way out of this.” Cookie took a step toward me. She placed her finger on the trigger. “Give it to me. Now.”

  “Step away from the girl,” said Big Dan. “I called the police. They’re going to be here in less than one minute.”

  Cookie scoffed. “I don’t believe you.” Suddenly, sirens sounded in the distance.

  Big Dan smirked. “That’s them now. I called them in my pocket. Usually I do that by accident. Not this time.”

  Miss May nodded. “So did I.”

  “I have nothing to lose,” said Cookie. She pointed the gun right between my eyes. I’d been in some scary situations since moving back to Pine Grove. But for some reason, Cookie was the scariest villain I’d ever faced. Perhaps it was the coldness in her eyes, and how completely fooled I’d been by her earlier warmth and kindness. But I was frozen in my reindeer tracks, incapable of doing anything to defend myself.

  “Forget the chalice,” said Miss May. “Your car is here. Your bags are packed. You have the money. Why don’t you climb into your car and disappear?”

  Big Dan nodded. “Here. Take the keys.” Big Dan tossed Cookie the keys.

  “It’s a good deal, Cookie,” said Teeny. “Way better than what you’d get in court. Now get out of here, you dirty murderer!”