Ayesha, the Return of She

by H. Rider Haggard

  CHAPTER XIX

  LEO AND THE LEOPARD

  During the weeks that followed these momentous days often and often Iwondered to myself whether a more truly wretched being had ever livedthan the woman, or the spirit, whom we knew as She, Hes, and Ayesha.Whether in fact also, or in our imagination only, she had arisen fromthe ashes of her hideous age into the full bloom of perpetual life andbeauty inconceivable.

  These things at least were certain: Ayesha had achieved the secret ofan existence so enduring that for all human purposes it might be calledunending. Within certain limitations--such as her utter inability toforesee the future--undoubtedly also, she was endued with powers thatcan only be described as supernatural.

  Her rule over the strange community amongst whom she lived was absolute;indeed, its members regarded her as a goddess, and as such she wasworshipped. After marvellous adventures, the man who was her very life,I might almost say her soul, whose being was so mysteriously intertwinedwith hers, whom she loved also with the intensest human passion of whichwoman can be capable, had sought her out in this hidden corner of theworld.

  More, thrice he had proved his unalterable fidelity to her. First,by his rejection of the royal and beautiful, if undisciplined, Atene.Secondly, by clinging to Ayesha when she seemed to be repulsive to everynatural sense. Thirdly, after that homage scene in the Sanctuary--thoughwith her unutterable perfections before his eyes this did not appear tobe so wonderful--by steadfastness in the face of her terrible avowal,true or false, that she had won her gifts and him through somedim, unholy pact with the powers of evil, in the unknown fruitsand consequences of which he must be involved as the price of herpossession.

  Yet Ayesha was miserable. Even in her lightest moods it was clear tome that those skeletons at the feast of which she had spoken were hercontinual companions. Indeed, when we were alone she would acknowledgeit in dark hints and veiled allegories or allusions. Crushed though herrival the Khania Atene might be, also she was still jealous of her.

  Perhaps "afraid" would be a better word, for some instinct seemed towarn Ayesha that soon or late her hour would come to Atene again, andthat then it would be her own turn to drink of the bitter waters ofdespair.

  What troubled her more a thousandfold, however, were her fears for Leo.As may well be understood, to stand in his intimate relationship to thishalf divine and marvellous being, and yet not to be allowed so much asto touch her lips, did not conduce to his physical or mental well-being,especially as he knew that the wall of separation must not be climbedfor at least two years. Little wonder that Leo lost appetite, grew thinand pale, and could not sleep, or that he implored her continually torescind her decree and marry him.

  But on this point Ayesha was immovable. Instigated thereto by Leo, andI may add my own curiosity, when we were alone I questioned her againas to the reasons of this self-denying ordinance. All she would tell me,however, was that between them rose the barrier of Leo's mortality, andthat until his physical being had been impregnated with the mysteriousvirtue of the Vapour of Life, it was not wise that she should take himas a husband.

  I asked her why, seeing that though a long-lived one, she was still awoman, whereon her face assumed a calm but terrifying smile, and sheanswered--"Art so sure, my Holly? Tell me, do your women wear suchjewels as that set upon my brow?" and she pointed to the faint butlambent light which glowed about her forehead.

  More, she began slowly to stroke her abundant hair, then her breast andbody. Wherever her fingers passed the mystic light was born, until inthat darkened room--for the dusk was gathering--she shimmered from headto foot like the water of a phosphorescent sea, a being glorious yetfearful to behold. Then she waved her hand, and, save for the gentleradiance on her brow, became as she had been.

  "Art so sure, my Holly?" Ayesha repeated. "Nay, shrink not; that flamewill not burn thee. Mayhap thou didst but imagine it, as I have notedthou dost imagine many things; for surely no woman could clothe herselfin light and live, nor has so much as the smell of fire passed upon mygarments."

  Then at length my patience was outworn, and I grew angry.

  "I am sure of nothing, Ayesha," I answered, "except that thou wilt makeus mad with all these tricks and changes. Say, art thou a spirit then?"

  "We are all spirits," she said reflectively, "and I, perhaps, more thansome. Who can be certain?"

  "Not I," I answered. "Yet I implore, woman or spirit, tell me one thing.Tell me the truth. In the beginning what wast thou to Leo, and what washe to thee?"

  She looked at me very solemnly and answered--"Does my memory deceiveme, Holly, or is it written in the first book of the Law of the Hebrews,which once I used to study, that the sons of Heaven came down to thedaughters of men, and found that they were fair?"

  "It is so written," I answered.

  "Then, Holly, might it not have chanced that once a daughter of Heavencame down to a man of Earth and loved him well? Might it not chance thatfor her great sin, she, this high, fallen star, who had befouled herimmortal state for him, was doomed to suffer till at length his love,made divine by pain and faithful even to a memory, was permitted toredeem her?"

  Now at length I saw light and sprang up eagerly, but in a cold voice sheadded:

  "Nay, Holly, cease to question me, for there are things of which I canbut speak to thee in figures and in parables, not to mock and bewilderthee, but because I must. Interpret them as thou wilt. Still, Atenethought me no mortal, since she told us that man and spirit may notmate; and there are matters in which I let her judgment weigh with me,as without doubt now, as in other lives, she and that old Shaman, heruncle, have wisdom, aye, and foresight. So bid my lord press me no moreto wed him, for it gives me pain to say him nay--ah! thou knowest nothow much.

  "Moreover, I will declare myself to thee, old friend; whatever elseI be, at least I am too womanly to listen to the pleadings of my bestbeloved and not myself be moved. See, I have set a curb upon desireand drawn it until my heart bleeds; but if he pursues me with continualwords and looks of burning love, who knoweth but that I shall kindle inhis flame and throw the reins of reason to the winds?

  "Oh, then together we might race adown our passions' steep; togetherdare the torrent that rages at its foot, and there perchance be whelmedor torn asunder. Nay, nay, another space of journeying, but a littlespace, and we reach the bridge my wisdom found, and cross it safely, andbeyond for ever ride on at ease through the happy meadows of our love."

  Then she was silent, nor would she speak more upon the matter. Also--andthis was the worst of it--even now I was not sure that she told me thetruth, or, at any rate, all of it, for to Ayesha's mind truth seemedmany coloured as are the rays of light thrown from the different facesof a cut jewel. We never could be certain which shade of it she waspleased to present, who, whether by preference or of necessity, asshe herself had said, spoke of such secrets in figures of speech andparables.

  It is a fact that to this hour I do not know whether Ayesha is spiritor woman, or, as I suspect, a blend of both. I do not know the limits ofher powers, or if that elaborate story of the beginning of her love forLeo was true--which personally I doubt--or but a fable, invented by hermind, and through it, as she had hinted, pictured on the flame for herown hidden purposes.

  I do not know whether when first we saw her on the Mountain she wasreally old and hideous, or did but put on that shape in our eyes inorder to test her lover. I do not know whether, as the priest Oros borewitness--which he may well have been bidden to do--her spirit passedinto the body of the dead priestess of Hes, or whether when sheseemed to perish there so miserably, her body and her soul were waftedstraightway from the Caves of Kor to this Central Asian peak.

  I do not know why, as she was so powerful, she did not come to seek us,instead of leaving us to seek her through so many weary years, though Isuggest that some superior force forbade her to do more than companionus unseen, watching our every act, reading our every thought, until atlength we reached the predestined place and hour. Also, as will appe
ar,there were other things of which this is not the time to speak, wherebyI am still more tortured and perplexed.

  In short, I know nothing, except that my existence has been intertangledwith one of the great mysteries of the world; that the glorious beingcalled Ayesha won the secret of life from whatever power holds it in itskeeping; that she alleged--although of this, remember, we have no actualproof--such life was to be attained by bathing in a certain emanation,vapour or essence; that she was possessed by a passion not easy tounderstand, but terrific in its force and immortal in its nature,concentrated upon one other being and one alone. That through thispassion also some angry fate smote her again, again, and yet again,making of her countless days a burden, and leading the power and thewisdom which knew all but could foreknow nothing, into abysses ofanguish, suspense, and disappointment such as--Heaven be thanked!--wecommon men and women are not called upon to plumb.

  For the rest, should human eyes ever fall upon it, each reader mustform his own opinion of this history, its true interpretation andsignificance. These and the exact parts played by Atene and myself inits development I hope to solve shortly, though not here.

  Well, as I have said, the upshot of it all was that Ayesha was devouredwith anxiety about Leo. Except in this matter of marriage, his everywish was satisfied, and indeed forestalled. Thus he was never againasked to share in any of the ceremonies of the Sanctuary, though,indeed, stripped of its rites and spiritual symbols, the religion ofthe College of Hes proved pure and harmless enough. It was but a dilutedversion of the Osiris and Isis worship of old Egypt, from which ithad been inherited, mixed with the Central Asian belief in thetransmigration or reincarnation of souls and the possibility of drawingnear to the ultimate Godhead by holiness of thought and life.

  In fact, the head priestess and Oracle was only worshipped as arepresentative of the Divinity, while the temporal aims of the Collegein practice were confined to good works, although it is true that theystill sighed for their lost authority over the country of Kaloon. Thusthey had hospitals, and during the long and severe winters, whenthe Tribes of the Mountain slopes were often driven to the verge ofstarvation, gave liberally to the destitute from their stores of food.

  Leo liked to be with Ayesha continually, so we spent each evening in hercompany, and much of the day also, until she found that this inactivitytold upon him who for years had been accustomed to endure every rigourof climate in the open air. After this came home to her--although shewas always haunted by terror lest any accident should befall him--Ayeshainsisted upon his going out to kill the wild sheep and the ibex, whichlived in numbers on the mountain ridges, placing him in the charge ofthe chiefs and huntsmen of the Tribes, with whom thus he became wellacquainted. In this exercise, however, I accompanied him but rarely, as,if used too much, my arm still gave me pain.

  Once indeed such an accident did happen. I was seated in the gardenwith Ayesha and watching her. Her head rested on her hand, and she waslooking with her wide eyes, across which the swift thoughts passedlike clouds over a windy sky, or dreams through the mind of asleeper--looking out vacantly towards the mountain snows. Seen thus herloveliness was inexpressible, amazing; merely to gaze upon it was anintoxication. Contemplating it, I understood indeed that, like to thatof the fabled Helen, this gift of hers alone--and it was but one ofmany--must have caused infinite sorrows, had she ever been permitted todisplay it to the world. It would have driven humanity to madness: themen with longings and the women with jealousy and hate.

  And yet in what did her surpassing beauty lie? Ayesha's face and formwere perfect, it is true; but so are those of some other women. Not inthese then did it live alone, but rather, I think, especially while whatI may call her human moods were on her, in the soft mystery that dweltupon her features and gathered and changed in her splendid eyes. Somesuch mystery may be seen, however faintly, on the faces of certain ofthe masterpieces of the Greek sculptors, but Ayesha it clothed likean ever-present atmosphere, suggesting a glory that was not of earth,making her divine.

  As I gazed at her and wondered thus, of a sudden she became terriblyagitated, and, pointing to a shoulder of the Mountain miles and milesaway, said--"Look!"

  I looked, but saw nothing except a sheet of distant snow.

  "Blind fool, canst thou not see that my lord is in danger of his life?"she cried. "Nay, I forgot, thou hast no vision. Take it now from me andlook again;" and laying her hand, from which a strange, numbing currentseemed to flow, upon my head, she muttered some swift words.

  Instantly my eyes were opened, and, not upon the distant Mountain, butin the air before me as it were, I saw Leo rolling over and over atgrips with a great snow-leopard, whilst the chief and huntsmen with himran round and round, seeking an opportunity to pierce the savage brutewith their spears and yet leave him unharmed.

  Ayesha, rigid with terror, swayed to and fro at my side, till presentlythe end came, for I could see Leo drive his long knife into the bowelsof the leopard, which at once grew limp, separated from him, and aftera struggle or two in the bloodstained snow, lay still. Then he rose,laughing and pointing to his rent garments, whilst one of the huntsmencame forward and began to bandage some wounds in his hands and thighwith strips of linen torn from his under-robe.

  The vision vanished suddenly as it had come, and I felt Ayesha leaningheavily upon my shoulder like any other frightened woman, and heard hergasp--"That danger also has passed by, but how many are there to follow?Oh! tormented heart, how long canst thou endure!"

  Then her wrath flamed up against the chief and his huntsmen, andshe summoned messengers and sent them out at speed with a litter andointments, bidding them to bear back the lord Leo and to bring hiscompanions to her very presence.

  "Thou seest what days are mine, my Holly, aye, and have been these manyyears," she said; "but those hounds shall pay me for this agony."

  Nor would she suffer me to reason with her.

  Four hours later Leo returned, limping after the litter in which,instead of himself, for whom it was sent, lay a mountain sheep and theskin of the snow-leopard that he had placed there to save the huntsmenthe labour of carrying them. Ayesha was waiting for him in the hall ofher dwelling, and gliding to him--I cannot say she walked--overwhelmedhim with mingled solicitude and reproaches. He listened awhile, thenasked--"How dost thou know anything of this matter? The leopard skin hasnot yet been brought to thee."

  "I know because I saw," she answered. "The worst hurt was above thyknee; hast thou dressed it with the salve I sent?"

  "Not I," he said. "But thou hast not left this Sanctuary; how didst thousee? By thy magic?"

  "If thou wilt, at least I saw, and Holly also saw thee rolling in thesnow with that fierce brute, while those curs ran round like scaredchildren."

  "I am weary of this magic," interrupted Leo crossly. "Cannot a man beleft alone for an hour even with a leopard of the mountain? As for thosebrave men----"

  At this moment Oros entered and whispered something, bowing low.

  "As for those 'brave men,' I will deal with them," said Ayesha withbitter emphasis, and covering herself--for she never appeared unveiledto the people of the Mountain--she swept from the place.

  "Where has she gone, Horace?" asked Leo. "To one of her services in theSanctuary?"

  "I don't know," I answered; "but if so, I think it will be that chief'sburial service."

  "Will it?" he exclaimed, and instantly limped after her.

  A minute or two later I thought it wise to follow. In the Sanctuary acurious scene was in progress. Ayesha was seated in front of the statue.Before her, very much frightened, knelt a brawny, red-haired chieftainand five of his followers, who still carried their hunting spears, whilewith folded arms and an exceedingly grim look upon his face, Leo, who,as I learned afterwards, had already interfered and been silenced, stoodupon one side listening to what passed. At a little distance behind werea dozen or more of the temple guards, men armed with swords and pickedfor their strength and stature.

  Ayesha, in her sweet
est voice, was questioning the men as to how theleopard, of which the skin lay before her, had come to attack Leo. Thechief answered that they had tracked the brute to its lair between tworocks; that one of them had gone in and wounded it, whereon it sprangupon him and struck him down; that then the lord Leo had engaged itwhile the man escaped, and was also struck down, after which, rollingwith it on the ground, he stabbed and slew the animal. That was all.

  "No, not all," said Ayesha; "for you forget, cowards that you are,that, keeping yourselves in safety, you left my lord to the fury of thisbeast. Good. Drive them out on to the Mountain, there to perish also atthe fangs of beasts, and make it known that he who gives them food orshelter dies."

  Offering no prayer for pity or excuse, the chief and his followers rose,bowed, and turned to go.

  "Stay a moment, comrades," said Leo, "and, chief, give me your arm;my scratch grows stiff; I cannot walk fast. We will finish this hunttogether."

  "What doest thou? Art mad?" asked Ayesha.

  "I know not whether I am mad," he answered, "but I know that thouart wicked and unjust. Look now, than these hunters none braver everbreathed. That man"--and he pointed to the one whom the leopard hadstruck down--"took my place and went in before me because I ordered thatwe should attack the creature, and thus was felled. As thou seest all,thou mightest have seen this also. Then it sprang on me, and the rest ofthese, my friends, ran round waiting a chance to strike, which at firstthey could not do unless they would have killed me with it, since Iand the brute rolled over and over in the snow. As it was, one of themseized it with his bare hands: look at the teeth marks on his arm. So ifthey are to perish on the Mountain, I, who am the man to blame, perishwith them."

  Now, while the hunters looked at him with fervent gratitude in theireyes, Ayesha thought a little, then said cleverly enough--"In truth,my lord Leo, had I known all the tale, well mightest thou have namedme wicked and unjust; but I knew only what I saw, and out of their ownmouths did I condemn them. My servants, my lord here has pleaded foryou, and you are forgiven; more, he who rushed in upon the leopard andhe who seized it with his hands shall be rewarded and advanced. Go; butI warn you if you suffer my lord to come into more danger, you shall notescape so easily again."

  So they bowed and went, still blessing Leo with their eyes, sincedeath by exposure on the Mountain snows was the most terrible form ofpunishment known to these people, and one only inflicted by the directorder of Hes upon murderers or other great criminals.

  When we had left the Sanctuary and were alone again in the hall, thestorm that I had seen gathering upon Leo's face broke in earnest. Ayesharenewed her inquiries about his wounds, and wished to call Oros, thephysician, to dress them, and as he refused this, offered to do soherself. He begged that she would leave his wounds alone, and then, hisgreat beard bristling with wrath, asked her solmenly if he was a childin arms, a query so absurd that I could not help laughing.

  Then he scolded her--yes, he scolded Ayesha! Wishing to know what shemeant (1) by spying upon him with her magic, an evil gift that he hadalways disliked and mistrusted; (2) by condemning brave and excellentmen, his good friends, to a death of fiendish cruelty upon suchevidence, or rather out of temper, on no evidence at all; and (3) bygiving him into charge of them, as though he were a little boy, andtelling them that they would have to answer for it if he were hurt: hewho, in his time, had killed every sort of big game known and passedthrough some perils and encounters?

  Thus he beat her with his words, and, wonderful to say, Ayesha, thisbeing more than woman, submitted to the chastisement meekly. Yet had anyother man dared to address her with roughness even, I doubt not that hisspeech and his life would have come to a swift and simultaneous end,for I knew that now, as of old, she could slay by the mere effort ofher will. But she did not slay; she did not even threaten, only, as anyother loving woman might have done, she began to cry. Yes, great tearsgathered in those lovely eyes of hers and, rolling one by one down herface, fell--for her head was bent humbly forward--like heavy raindropson the marble floor.

  At the sight of this touching evidence of her human, loving heart allLeo's anger melted. Now it was he who grew penitent and prayedher pardon humbly. She gave him her hand in token of forgiveness,saying--"Let others speak to me as they will" (sorry should I have beento try it!) "but from thee, Leo, I cannot bear harsh words. Oh, thou artcruel, cruel. In what have I offended? Can I help it if my spirit keepsits watch upon thee, as indeed, though thou knewest it not, it has doneever since we parted yonder in the Place of Life? Can I help it if, likesome mother who sees her little child at play upon a mountain's edge, mysoul is torn with agony when I know thee in dangers that I am powerlessto prevent or share? What are the lives of a few half-wild huntsmen thatI should let them weigh for a single breath against thy safety, seeingthat if I slew these, others would be more careful of thee? Whereas if Islay them not, they or their fellows may even lead thee into perils thatwould bring about--thy _death_," and she gasped with horror at the word.

  "Listen, beloved," said Leo. "The life of the humblest of those men isof as much value to him as mine is to me, and thou hast no more right tokill him than thou hast to kill me. It is evil that because thou carestfor me thou shouldst suffer thy love to draw thee into cruelty andcrime. If thou art afraid for me, then clothe me with that immortalityof thine, which, although I dread it somewhat, holding it a thingunholy, and, on this earth, not permitted by my Faith, I should stillrejoice to inherit for thy dear sake, knowing that then we could nevermore be parted. Or, if as thou sayest, this as yet thou canst not do,then let us be wed and take what fortune gives us. All men must die;but at least before I die I shall have been happy with thee for awhile--yes, if only for a single hour."

  "Would that I dared," Ayesha answered with a little piteous motion ofher hand. "Oh! urge me no more, Leo, lest that at last I should take therisk and lead thee down a dreadful road. Leo, hast thou never heard ofthe love which slays, or of the poison that may lurk in a cup of joy tooperfect?"

  Then, as though she feared herself, Ayesha turned from him and fled.

  Thus this matter ended. In itself it was not a great one, for Leo'shurts were mere scratches, and the hunters, instead of being killed,were promoted to be members of his body-guard. Yet it told us manythings. For instance, that whenever she chose to do so, Ayesha hadthe power of perceiving all Leo's movements from afar, and even ofcommunicating her strength of mental vision to others, although to helphim in any predicament she appeared to have no power, which, of course,accounted for the hideous and ever-present might of her anxiety.

  Think what it would be to any one of us were we mysteriously acquaintedwith every open danger, every risk of sickness, every secret perilthrough which our best-beloved must pass. To see the rock trembling toits fall and they loitering beneath it; to see them drink of water andknow it full of foulest poison; to see them embark upon a ship and beaware that it was doomed to sink, but not to be able to warn them or toprevent them. Surely no mortal brain could endure such constant terrors,since hour by hour the arrows of death flit unseen and unheard past thebreasts of each of us, till at length one finds its home there.

  What then must Ayesha have suffered, watching with her spirit's eyes allthe hair-breadth escapes of our journeyings? When, for instance, in thebeginning she saw Leo at my house in Cumberland about to kill himselfin his madness and despair, and by some mighty effort of her superhumanwill, wrung from whatever Power it was that held her in its fearfulthraldom, the strength to hurl her soul across the world and thereby inhis sleep reveal to him the secret of the hiding-place where he wouldfind her.

  Or to take one more example out of many--when she saw him hanging bythat slender thread of yak's hide from the face of the waterfall of iceand herself remained unable to save him, or even to look forward fora single moment and learn whether or no he was about to meet a hideousdeath, in which event she must live on alone until in some dim age hewas born again.

  Nor can her sorrows have ended with these mo
re material fears, sinceothers as piercing must have haunted her. Imagine, for instance, theagonies of her jealous heart when she knew her lover to be exposed tothe temptations incident to his solitary existence, and more especiallyto those of her ancient rival Atene, who, by Ayesha's own account, hadonce been his wife. Imagine also her fears lest time and human changeshould do their natural work on him, so that by degrees the memory ofher wisdom and her strength, and the image of her loveliness faded fromhis thought, and with them his desire for her company; thus leaving herwho had endured so long, forgotten and alone at last.

  Truly, the Power that limited our perceptions did so in purest mercy,for were it otherwise with us, our race would go mad and perish ravingin its terrors.

  Thus it would seem that Ayesha, great tormented soul, thinking to winlife and love eternal and most glorious, was in truth but another blindPandora. From her stolen casket of beauty and super-human power hadleapt into her bosom, there to dwell unceasingly, a hundred torturingdemons, of whose wings mere mortal kind do but feel the far-off, icyshadowing.

  Yes; and that the parallel might be complete, Hope alone still lingeredin that rifled chest.