by K A Sands
Bad, bad friend.
Mistake, after mistake, after mistake.
I had to wonder if perhaps Ayden was a mistake too. The man was a game-changer, I’d thought it more than once, knew it to be the truest thing. What I didn’t know was if I was ready for him. I was in no position currently, I had secrets, some that would likely kill us dead in the water if I dared utter them aloud. For once in my life I could see no clear direction with which to go. I had to continue to tread the depths, until my shores became defined and I could swim toward them.
I could sleep easier tonight though, there was that at least.
“We’ll go through to the study.” Lucca lifted from his stool and walked to Laura, who’d been leaning against counter. “When they coming?”
I didn’t hear the answer, it was none of my business anyway. I gulped down the rest of the coffee, then tailed Ryder when he motioned me from the room.
* * *
“I know who you are, Shaun.”
Of course he did. Now that we were in the privacy of his study, the gloves were off, no more pleasantries or skirting around the subject. His steely tone meant business. Embarrassment flowed through me, Ryder and Lucca had clearly discussed me, and I was sure this conversation was going nowhere good. I was ready for it, had told myself it was time to face the music, fix the mistakes of my past. Lucca seemed like a good person and Stella had clearly had a screw loose trying to fuck him over. I still wasn’t exactly sure what the deal was, but I’d already decided I wasn’t hiding anything from him.
I found I liked this man even though the circumstances in which we were meeting were shitty. He seemed genuine, and I wondered briefly if it was because I saw a father figure in him. Ryder had a boyish way about him, but Lucca carried himself differently; higher, more seriously. He was a man a boy would be proud to have as a father.
“Who exactly am I?” I hedged. I wanted his cards on the table before mine. I tried to adopt an easy attitude but the sweat dripping down my back caught the lie.
Lucca cleared his throat again before reaching into what I presumed were the drawers of his desk. I couldn’t quite see from my position on the sofa along the opposite side of the room. Pulling out a file, he walked the length of the study and sat in an easy chair directly in front of me.
“I know about Stella. Everything.” He’d cut straight to the chase, for which I was grateful. “Not the specifics, those were not something I required at that time. But I requested this file from my PI, Tony, yesterday.” I grimaced, decently ashamed, guessing what was in the blue folder settled on his folded knee. Showing no outward emotion, he continued. “I got a tip off she wanted my head on a spike, so to speak. Naturally I’m gonna investigate it. I have my son to consider. Incidentally it was Charlie who imparted the information. Threw you under a bus if you like.”
I bowed my head. I’d fucked this man’s wife, ex-wife, whatever, seven ways to Sunday and here he was, sitting conversing with me, not bashing my head against a wall, which I thoroughly deserved.
“I have a file on every single person my ex-wife fucked around with while we were married. And she fucked you a lot, Shaun.”
It wasn’t lost on me that Stella had indeed fucked me. Stella had screwed me over big time, same as she had her husband, except she had no loyalty to some dirty little scumbag she wanted a paid favour from. She’d jeopardised my freedom the second she’d put the first envelope in my hand. I didn’t know her history with Lucca but my little tryst with her seemed pale in comparison.
Loosening his tie, Lucca thumbed the flap of the folder. “I know you’re a connected man, Shaun. But so am I. Very connected. I just don’t advertise it. My father was a Razer boy. You know who they were?”
My eyes shot to his and I recognised the truth in them. I knew who the Razer boys were, Charlie was an original, had always spouted off about the old days. Yeah, he called us his Razer boys, but it held far less weight than those days of old.
“My father was more than a Razer boy, he was a friend of Charlie’s at one point. This isn’t a pissing contest, I just want you to know who you’re dealing with here, who I am. If I say we can help you, have faith we will. Charlie doesn’t scare me, never has. But I want this other shit out of the way before we move forward. Understood?”
My head went in a hundred different ways, tangents that made no sense trying to connect these two with someone, anyone. Every tenuous link I reached for came up empty. I didn’t know him or his connections and that didn’t seem like a good thing. Not at all. I was sitting there blind.
“We do know some of the same people. But this right here,” he pointed his finger between us, “concerns only me and you, nobody else. Do you hear what I’m saying? Do I make myself clear?”
He did, absolutely did, and I tipped my head in recognition of his words. What he was saying was fair enough and to be honest - water under the bridge and all that, suited me fine. He didn’t want the antics of his ex-wife discussed with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Something we had in common.
“What’s going on with you and my son?”
I stared. Then stared some more, having no clue what he was asking in his careful way. I had no idea who he was on about, would put money on I’d never even met him. There was no way I ran in the same circles as this man’s son. “What do you mean?”
When he said Ayden’s name I flinched and made to get up from the sofa to leave. It was too much. Coloured drained from my face and I stumbled to my feet, swaying, the room coming in and out of focus.
What the fuck?
This was bad, so very, very bad. Even when you took Stella out of the equation - this was worse. I looked at Ryder, then back to Lucca, waiting for the punchline, the twinkle in the eye that said they were yanking my fucking chain.
It didn’t come.
I couldn’t even consider moving out of the room like I wanted to, my legs gave out and I sank back into the couch. Dread drowned me inside out, waves crashed over me and a fierce thud ran through my head.
Struggling to put two and two together, I finally concluded this must be Ayden’s father and he was staring me down like he wanted to crucify me. Nothing had ever felt worse. The man I’d fallen half in love with was more connected to my situation than I’d realised. There was a choice coming, I could feel it hurtling at me a hundred miles an hour. The outcome was going to hurt for years to come because I couldn’t put him before Sophie and I knew everything would stop with Ayden when it came to Lucca. If his help was contingent on staying out of Ayden’s life, I’d take it without thinking twice and tuck the man into my memory, bring him out when the nights got so cold I couldn’t stop shaking. And those nights would come, oh, how they would. He’d understand, I knew without a doubt.
Me...well, I’d crawl back into the hole from whence I came, and the taste I’d had of Ayden would light my darkest dreams for an eternity.
Life wasn’t fair. I’d learnt that early on. Sometimes you had to make sacrifices and I knew, just knew with everything I was, Ayden would be the biggest sacrifice I’d ever make. The misery that swept through me was crippling, emptiness rode the wake of the tide as I realised Ayden would only ever be a memory from here on out. A memory I’d never get over, a memory punching my heart.
I struggled to catch my breath at the unfairness of it all, to fight off the hurt which encroached.
“Shaun,” Lucca’s muffled voice barely registered. “My son is Sophie’s best friend.” As if to make sure I had absolutely no doubt who he was talking about, his voice came clearer. I sucked in a breath, built up my walls and decided to deal with the hurt another time when I could give it the full attention it deserved. I could break down in private, not here.
“Nothing,” I said flatly.
“That’s not what you told Ryder.”
“Yeah, well...this kind of changes things, don’t you think?” I snapped, angry at the situation, not necessarily the man.
Pulling out the photographs I knew were in the folder, he
handed me one and I cringed when I looked at the black and white debauchery. Yeah, no way Ayden could look past this. I felt sick to my stomach. Sick I would never get the chance to explore those flutters that rode my chest, the peacefulness that came with Ayden’s touch.
And I only had my greedy fucking self to blame.
It occurred to me I needed to be completely honest and show my hand, stop lying to myself. I raked my fingers through my hair, thinking, worrying my tongue stud. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to tell Lucca, but I knew it was the right thing to do and I was so sick of doing it all wrong time after time.
“We’ve spent some time together.”
Lucca grinned at me, taking me by surprise. “So I heard. I think I get the picture.”
For possibly the first time in my life, I sat in front of someone and blushed like a school boy caught with his hand down his pants. Heat crawled up my neck and I fidgeted in my seat, mortified. What were these people doing to me? Clearing my throat, sounding like choking, I tried to say the words I thought he wanted to hear from me, I found them so firmly lodged in my head instead of my mouth. He wasn’t going to judge me, made that clear, I couldn’t get my head around what the problem was. I suddenly felt nervous, an alien feeling to me around anyone other than Ayden.
Bravely, stupidly perhaps, I challenged Lucca. “Yeah?”
I waited for it. The punch, the grip of my collar, the threats...
They didn’t come, only a nod of his head and a tentative smile, easing me. Lucca had been intimidating thus far, in a quiet, unassuming way which lulled me into false securities. But when he smiled, his whole persona softened, much like Ayden, and it calmed me further.
Like father, like son.
Some people were born to walk into a room and command it, intentionally or not, and Lucca was one of those people. Ayden would be a man like his father one day too. I was a large, tall guy but had nothing on Lucca - even then it wasn’t his size. It was him. Just him.
I changed direction of the conversation to the big, fat elephant in the room that wasn’t going away and simply couldn’t be ignored. “He can’t know about Stella.”
Lucca sighed, and Ryder grunted off to my side. Rubbing at his temple, I saw the disappointment in him. “He can’t not know, Shaun. I don’t lie to my son, you shouldn’t either. If you don’t tell him yourself, you can bet your arse the secret won’t be buried for long. Guaranteed, when Stella resurfaces, her first port of call will be Ayden. She hurts people, doesn’t care for the fall out. Hurting Ayden would hurt me tremendously and the fact you are seeing my son is more incentive. You pissed her off, what do you think she’s going to do?”
Jesus. I had to tell him, didn’t I? Ayden wouldn’t look at me twice when he found out. “Why are you not upset over this?”
He shrugged. “I may have been some years ago, but not now. Stella stepped on me way before you and she happened. Besides, did you not see the gorgeous lady in the kitchen?” he chuckled. “I can’t be bitter over things that don’t matter. To do so would destroy a beautiful future. You should remember that.”
“Lucca,” I paused, unsure about how to phrase my words eloquently, so I didn’t bother. “Not only did Stella and I fuck a lot - your words - but she asked me to kill you, had a price on your head. Twice. And you’re sitting there telling me you’re okay with that?”
“I am...”
Ayden
I didn’t need to give Sophie a tour of the house, she’d been there plenty, had a pretty bedroom that Laura fussed over every time Sophie turned up. Laura would have something new in the room Sophie would love, this time it was new curtains and a bedspread which my best friend fawned over immediately. Once we’d dumped bags and stuff, Jake placing his at the door inside Sophie’s room, we all wandered back down to the kitchen. Laura had left a note pinned to the fridge saying she’d nipped out to get some food from Warren at the restaurant.
“Could I maybe get some OJ, please?” Sophie asked as she reached for the cabinet that held the glasses. I liked that she felt comfortable enough to help herself. It may have been dad and Laura’s house, but it was still home. The hub of our family. A family Sophie was slowly immersing herself into and being welcomed with open arms.
Pulling the orange juice from the fridge, I poured some into the tumbler she’d set on the counter. I drew her into a hug before she could take a drink. We did this often, it was such a comforting feeling, being the touchy-feely bloke I was, it often said way more than words.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
I tipped her head back with my fingers on her chin and made her look at me. Her eye contact was awful at the best of times, but I always made her connect, so she could see my words and their intent, not just hear them. “It’s gonna be fine.” Jake appeared at the side of us and I repeated the words. “It’s gonna be fine.”
His big arms wrapped around the pair of us, enclosing us in a three-way hug, a strange move for him. He was the opposite - not touchy-feely. He laid his head on my shoulder, looking at Sophie.
“You okay?” he asked her.
“Yeah, just tired I guess.” She smiled genuinely as she gazed at Jake. “I’m going to head up and put on some pj’s, climb into bed and watch crap tv.” Pulling out of the embrace, she grabbed her tumbler of juice and made her way from the kitchen.
Jake didn’t move away like I expected, instead he moved in closer and wound his other arm around my waist, leaning against me. His body was tense, but I still felt the hot breath on my neck as he cuddled in. I flinched at the intensity of it.
“Relax, Ayden. I’m not going to jump you, man.”
I wasn’t worried about that, hell no, I was more concerned about Sophie’s reaction to what would look like a very intimate embrace, should she come back in. Jake bent his head backwards. “Thank you. For being my friend, for being you.”
“What’s wrong with you?” I joked.
“Nothing. Life’s about to get hectic. I just wanted a moment to let you know I love you, in case I forget to tell you when life catches up. You’re my brother, always.”
“Love you too, Jake.” I squeezed around him tighter, appreciating the words and feeling the exact same. “I’m with you, okay. Don’t shut me out, when things get tough. I’m here.”
“I won’t, I promise.” He let go and took a step back, the moment lost. “I should have told you about us, but I wanted both. I thought if I told you, you’d deck me then throw me out. That our friendship would be over.”
“For being super smart, Jake, you’re fucking dumb at times.”
“Don’t I know it?” he grumbled. “I don’t think I can do this without you.”
“Hey,” I clapped him on the shoulder, “you don’t have to. I’m here, right here, not going anywhere.”
“We’re trying. Sophie and me. Not just me, she’s wanting to try too. I don’t love her, and I doubt she loves me, but we don’t hate one another. It’s a start, right? We promised to try, that’s all we can do.”
It was, and I was happy to hear it. They were having a kid together and they needed to sort their shit out, at least enough to be able to get along with one another. “You need to speak to my dad, tell him.”
Jake looked down at his feet. “I know. I just don’t want to see the disappointed look on his face when I tell him I fucked up.”
“It will be at the situation, not at you.”
“Maybe...” he stopped, not saying anything further about it. “I’m gonna go see if I can entice Sophie to share the tv. Though if I know her, she’ll be watching daytime telly which is all kinds of shit.”
“She loves trashy tv.” I laughed. “I’m going to hunt down my dad, let him know we’re here. Ryder’s truck’s outside so they’re either in their ‘man cave,’” I air quoted, “or the study.”
“Thick as thieves.”
“Thick as thieves,” I repeated as Jake left the kitchen in pursuit of Sophie.
I headed off down the hallway to the den, th
inking my dad and Ryder would be catching up on whatever football match was going on. They both liked watching this new kid, Dean, who was taking the sport by storm. He hadn’t played Premier League yet, but it was rumoured next season he was going to be with the big boys. They were both daft, fans in the making, and at their age too.
Poking my head around the doorframe I knew without looking they weren’t in there, the room was bathed in quiet, no jeering at the tv. Study it was then. We had a gym in the house but on a Sunday, it was a far reach they’d be in there. Thinking about it, I’d never seen either my dad or Ryder use it, and I cringed at how they kept in such decent shape for their age.
Going back along the hall to the far end of the house, I knew I’d hit bingo when I heard muffled voices beyond the door, they must have been doing books or something. As I drew closer and stood outside the door, hand lifted to knock, I drew up short with fist mid-air, straining to hear. I wasn’t an eavesdropper, never having had any need to spy on my dad, he never kept things from me. But as I stood there and listened, I grew increasingly agitated. My dad was in there, but he wasn’t talking with my uncle. For one crazy little moment, I thought the other person was Shaun.
I shook my head, surely hearing wrong. I was imagining things because I’d spent last night with him, was yearning to see him again, that was all. Why would he be in my dad’s house? They didn’t know one another. I let my hand fall back to my side and pressed my ear to the door.
“Not only did Stella and I fuck a lot - your words - but she asked me to kill you, had a price on your head. Twice. And you’re sitting there telling me you’re okay with that?”
I gasped and sprang backwards at the revelation I’d heard. Someone tried to kill my dad, no, wait. My mother had tried to kill him. That’s what I heard? My mum wanted to kill my dad? A cold sweat poured over me and I jumped about a fucking mile in the air when Laura tapped me on the shoulder.
“What are you doing there?”
Not having heard her sneaking up behind me, I’d almost turned and thumped her for frightening me. Laura cocked her head to the side and looked at the study door, waiting for an answer. I was too flustered to care whether I’d been caught snooping or not.
